So angry with the school

[DeAnna]

Okay, so first of all thank you for all the responses to my other thread. I was feeling really defeated but am better today at least.

New concern. I got an email from my son's teacher today stating that since he has shown some bad choices, if either my husband or myself are not able to accompany his class to a trip to a local pumpkin patch he will not be allowed to go and will spend that time in the office.

Anyone else find that odd? Or possible infuriating? What can I do, I'm not sure if either of us will be able to go with the class.

 

[Shari]

grandma, grandpa, uncle, hired sitter????

I had to do this with my Wee. It stinks.

 

[TiredSoul]

It doesn't seem right that they can do this. Can't they provide an aide or other adult chaperon for him? I would be extremely infuriated if it were my child. I haven't read your other thread so not sure what the issues are.

ETA:
Actually I guess I did read your other post - I even posted but didn't see any answers to the questions asked. Here it is in case you missed it:

Has he ever had any issues like this in Kindergarten or preschool/daycare? Is this something totally out of the blue? Have you ever suspected him having problems - like ADHD, or anything else? I would guess there is something that triggered his behavior at school and you need to find out what that was. If he is acting out or having a hard time at school regularly then like someone else said -maybe he is being bullied. He could also for whatever reason not have bonded with his teacher, or he could have a learning disability in one area that is causing his frustration. I remember when I used to get calls from the school when my difficult child was in Kindergarten. They would always tell me what he did, but not what preceded his behavior. "Oh you mean he choked so-and-so because that child just punched him and called him stupid" - Know what I mean?? Somehow you need to find out what is going on. What does your son say?

 

[KTMom91]

I've had to do this before as well. Interestingly enough, Miss KT was WORSE when I was there, so it only happened once. Ha ha to the school.

What were the "bad choices" he made? Just curious to know if they were serious enough to warrant missing the trip.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Actually, it's not unusual for a student to be denied a field trip or special school presentation (like a play or something) as a disciplinary measure.

My question would be what kind of bad choices are we talking about? Is this for discipline or safety? Are they assuming he is going to misbehave, or are they assuming he's going to run off or something? Since you don't have a signature profile at the bottom of your post, I apologize for not remembering your son's age or the issues he deals with.

Can either you are your husband take the time off work to accompany his class as a chaperone?

Sharon

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I just went back and reread your initial post. I see this is your oldest and you have two little ones at home. That pretty much takes you out of the mix to go unless you have a friend who is willing to watch the little ones for you.

I've thought about this a little more and believe that you should ask the question I asked you of the teacher. Is this a disciplinary measure for past behavior or a safety measure of anticipated behavior?

As a parent, I would want to be assured that any "take aways" because of behavior were known ahead of time. Additionally, if your child has had consequences for his behavior, both at home or at school, additional consequences are not called for. It would seem to me that I would do everything in my power to get myself or my husband on that trip. If he's feeling a little down because of recent incidents at school, missing this trip will be devastating for him. He will think the teacher thinks he's a bad boy, and that's the last thing you want right now. Trust me, I've been there with mine when he was about your son's age.

However you end up handling this, do your best to not let him get wind of any of it. Having mommy or daddy along on the pumpkin patch trip is a real treat for a little one, not a punishment (and either you or your husband can get a good gander at the rest of the class!).

Sharon

 

[TiredSoul]

Actually, it's not unusual for a student to be denied a field trip or special school presentation (like a play or something) as a disciplinary measure.

I can understand this - but what if it is just because they 'think' he will do something wrong? I don't think that is ok.

 

[DeAnna]

He has had issues last year as well as this year. The issues have been very overwhelming for my husband and myself as he has always been a very good little boy. He is very independant, completely getting himself ready in the mornings for school.

When we spoke to him about what happened, he told us that there was another little boy there that is in a different class and he told our son to choke the 3rd little boy. He said that the other 2 little boys were playing a game and he asked to play with them.

We talked to him about not listening to what other kids tell him to do and that if he thinks that it is something naughty that he should tell a supervisor.

My son was put into in-school suspension yesterday at school and then at home, we had him go to bed after supper. I just feel like if he is having trouble in social settings then shouldn't he be exposed as much as possible to give him the experience and tools to work on it? I have worked with teenagers with all types on mental health issues from extreme to mild. But the one thing we always did was expose them to the unfamiliar to help them become familiar. Now I'm not saying that we have kept him in a dark closet, but if that is where he needs help......

 

[Wiped Out]

Very rarely can our schools hold someone out of a field trip-it's considered to be part of their curriculum. I haven't read your other post but am wondering if he has an iep. In my thinking they should provide an aide for him. I k now if I was ever required to go on a field trip it would not be a good thing as (like Mary) my difficult child is worse when I'm there.

 

[DeAnna]

We have had "team" meetings. They seem more about telling us what he has done wrong instead of what he is doing right. We leave the meetings feeling discouraged. The meetings don't seem to get a lot accomplished, I feel like they tell us the problems they are having with him and then lay it in our laps and want us to fix it. My husband said the last time that he didn't know what they wanted us to do because at home we are not having these issues. I am trying to get an IEP for him. My ex-husband is not working with us. My son is under his insurance, however, he has been unwilling to give me the insurance info or accompany us on a doctor visit to see if there is a diagnosis. The school said that without a diagnosis they will not start an IEP.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

The school said that without a diagnosis they will not start an IEP.

The school does not need an outside diagnosis to begin the IEP process. You request, via certified letter, that you want your son to have full testing for an IEP. That will include academic (IQ versus performance plus others to check for lds), social (family history, development history, questionnaire for you and for your son to complete), classroom observations by the school counselor, plus more. They are feeding you a line. Go over the to the Special Education archives on this site and you will find a sample letter to request testing. Send it certified today!

Sharon

 

[Andy]

difficult child had field trips in 5th grade (our year from He##) that I know the other parents would have loved to ask that he not go. I know by talking to the other parents that they were very concerned about difficult child's behavior that year and felt better if I was with. Neither husband or I could not go on the 5th/6th grade overnighter or to a ball game 4 hours away. We had a very small group (5 - 8 kids) with two adults and the teacher felt comfortable with difficult child going even with his horrid behaviors that year. So, he got to go and there were no problems at either that the teacher could not redirect when she noticed them starting.

One parent was super concerned about the year end party. It was not a school sponsored event, just a tradition that parents provide an after school good-bye party for that classroom. She was so relieved (and I was also) when difficult child decided he would rather stay at school and help me set up for his sister's graduation open house the next day. I had asked if the church/school cleaning crew could help me set up and as a thank you provided a pizza party for them. difficult child was in charge of the pizza party - he set up that room, ordered the pizza, and greeted the pizza deliverer when he came.

I think the schools should be providing more help to the teachers on field trips. I don't like the approach the school had to you, "You either come or you son doesn't go." It would have been much better to come to you bring it to you as a concern describing why they need extra help and why they think it should come from you.

Looking back on my situation with difficult child, I think the school was trying to help me and difficult child see that I am not tied to difficult child. That he can do things without me (seperation anxiety was a large part of the beginning of his issues). It sent difficult child and me a strong message that the school can and will take care of him. It went a long way in helping difficult child conquer his anxiety. It also showed him that the school is an authority, that they don't have to come running to his mom to keep him in line.

The going back and forth between parents and school as to who is responsible for the student and when baffles me - it should be a team effort - the village is responsible and if difficult children don't see the united front of parents and schools to make their education the best it can be, they will pick up on it. They will feel like no one outside the family cares.