I didn't want to do another "Heather's depressed" post, but....Heather's depressed. Seriously depressed. And I need support. I am seeing a therapist, and my doctor put me on another AD today. That makes 3 AD medications: Lexapro 20 mg, Lamictal 100mg, and now Welbutrin 150mg XL (to possibly go up to 300mg - going to see how I react first cause I have reacted poorly to it in the past). I chose Welbutrin, though, because I also need something to help with the fatigue. So...I guess I'll start from the top. This will probably end up long. Sorry in advance. We know I have disabling health issues. The fatigue is generally the most incapacitating, although right now it's the pain. Well, and the fatigue but I can't sleep on the steroids. So, I have that going on. I posted about the fiasco at the ER last week. I filed a grievance. It was taken seriously. However, the other ER doctor I saw the next day wanted to put me on a Medrol (steroid) taper. I told him that Medrol was on my allergy list and showed him my bright red "ALLERGY" bracelet. At this point, I had been at a level 10 pain since Wed morning and I had been up for 33 hours. Couldn't sleep because of the pain. He said he wasn't comfortable doing a prednisone taper, which is why he wanted to do Medrol and I cut him off at that point and said very...ummm...firmly that, "Well, I'm not comfortable doing Medrol because it causes me to *dissociate*. So, his answer was to do 4 days at 60mgs of prednisone and then just stop. I told him I couldn't just stop - that I have to taper. He told me he does it all the time, it's not a problem, and I told him, so have I and it is a problem for me. He still wouldn't write a prescription for anything other than 4 days at 60mg and told me if I couldn't get into my doctor (who at that time had no openings until Tuesday and this was last Thursday) that I would have to come back and get a script for 50mg. I was in a lot of pain, I was exhausted, I had been crying all day and I was not very pleasant and let him know how that was a colossal waste of resources and why our health care costs are so high. I'm sure I was labeled a difficult patient and I really don't care. I still got nothing for pain, as it takes steroids a few days to work, and was at a level 10 until Saturday. I have vicodin 5/500 and it wasn't touching the pain. At all. I wonder how many doctors would tolerate that level of pain with nothing to help for that long, going over 36 hours at a time without sleeping because of the pain. Then they give me the discharge instructions and the nurse is reading them off to me, telling me if I have temperature change in my arm or hand, numbness or tingling to come back. I told her I have those now. I threw away the papers in the exam room. Friday morning, the pain decided to wrap around my neck into my right shoulder. I drove to my neuropsychologist appointment which just made it worse. I was in the waiting room and the neuropsychologist came out, took one look at me, and before I had a chance to say anything asked me, "Heather, my dear, why did you come today?" Cue more tears. My mom had to pick me up and drive me home, bring back my son to pick up my car, etc, ad nauseum. I am such a huge burden - physically, emotionally, and financially - on my family. I fell out of the shower again. I have to have help with the simplest tasks (opening a pack of crackers). If easy child and DF didn't cook, I would only be eating sandwiches or crackers. I can't think. My doctor today told me that the Welbutrin will also help with memory and ADD problems and I said to her, "You know when you have a dream, and you have a vague sense of what it was about, but can only catch bits and pieces of it? That's how my memory is - of yesterday, the day before, sometimes even an hour ago." She wanted to make sure I was continuing the neuropsychologist testing. Sigh.... So, difficult child started spiraling mid-January. It got bad. She ended up in psychiatric hospital and I wasn't emotional at all. Everyone else was, but I wasn't. Til now. I got the SSDI denial letter. I called an attorney who tells me that 1) my age is going to be an obstacle because I'm so young, and 2) Ohio is one of the worst states in the country as far as how long it takes to get to the Administrative Hearing. There was an article in the paper a couple weeks ago - 24-30 months average. I currently live on $374 a month. Plus foodstamps. Wednesday, I started working with therapist on past trauma so all that was opened up. This is why I don't talk about it. If you don't talk about it, it's not a problem. Once you open that box, it just leaves you a mess. Some things should just be left alone. It's just too much. I spent all day Thursday and Friday crying - sobbing. Saturday and Sunday just numb and not giving a damn about anything. Numb this morning, crying at the doctor's office, and numb again now. Too numb. Very detached. I think I have some depersonalization going on. Don't care. Both the neuropsychologist and my GP asked me if I had plans to hurt myself and my response is, "difficult child is only 15." It would be different otherwise. My prescription list my doctor printed out today that has all of my prescriptions on it shows 28 active prescriptions. About half of them are PRN's and some of those I don't take anymore because they either didn't help or aren't covered by my insurance and too expensive for me. Today she added Welbutrin, the rest of the steroid taper (I had some left over 10mg steroids so I started the taper on my own), and now Topomax. While she's telling me that CFS and Fibro don't have inflammation, but it's my tenosynovitis and my tendonitis and bursitis that are flaring and those are inflammatory conditions. And I can feel when they are amping up. We still aren't doing anything to keep that at bay instead of waiting until it gets out of control. The nurse asked me why I didn't use my cane today. *smirk* Cause of the tendonitis in my shoulders. I need my arms to drive; I don't need my left leg to drive. Had to trade off. I'm just not cut out for this. I try to be a strong person, but I fought so freaking hard to overcome depression and I did only to have all of this. Some people can do this and remain resilient and hopeful. Me? I don't care if I live or die.