So difficult child tells me...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Nov 23, 2011.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I cost him his childhood. Why? because all the other boys in Department of Juvenile Justice have already had experiences with drugs, sex, and doing whatever they want. "Momma, I've only been high 2 to 3 times and been drunk once and never had any sex with anyone". I reminded difficult child that he's been incarcerated since he turned 14yo. He said still, look at what all they have done and he has missed out on and it's all because I raised him to be a geek who wore glasses, was in cub scouts, studied, took swim lessons and played baseball. I said, "difficult child, are you telling me that if I had let you get drunk, get stoned, and get laid before you were 14yo that I would have been a good mother and you wouldn't be in here?" No answer. Then he says he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know how to do anything normally and missed his childhood and doesn't know any other way to live now. I reminded him that he wanted to do what typical 17yo do and then some when he was 13yo. His eyes lit up and he said "oh heck yeah".

    I said well, we'll see what you let your kids do when they are 5 or 8 or 10 or 13 yo.

    Then he called 3 hours later and apologized and said he didn't mean any of it was my fault.

    Sigh. In the mind of a difficult child....

    Will this kid ever own up and really get it?
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am glad he eventually "saw the light". As far as I'm concerned, you must have done everything right for him to be one of the only ones there that HASN'T done all of those things. There might be hope yet!! LOL Yes, only a difficult child COULD think that way. WOW!
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    lol. typical difficult child thinking to some extent. Cory still is adamant that he had sex at 12 or 13 and I know he didnt. I know he wanted to but we caught him before he could get to the little girl. This is the girl that he ran up the phone bill with. For all his crazy ways, he is one who says that "his" kids wont give him the same problems he gave me because he will just beat the living daylights out of them. I laugh at him and ask him how that worked out for me.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I know you know why they say that about their kids- because they know how they were!

    i tried to tell difficult child not to worry about the sex- he'd figure it out. He said but it's a good thing when a girl waits, maybe 50/50 for a boy- I told him she'd be all the happier.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    :sigh: just wow...
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I'm glad he called you back. He sounds scared about coming out and at the same time the only peers he has to relate to and look up to are seriously difficult child. sorry for that. I hope you have a really nice turkey day. Please try to take a little time to just enjoy (hard to do I suppose each time you have a holidy without him...????) My thoughts are with you... luv, Dee
  7. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I think that's a typical difficult child thing to say. "It's all YOUR fault!" I know that my difficult child says things like that, although we're not up to the sex, drugs and rock and roll stage yet. I hope we never get there!

    Personally, I think that the fact that he has not done all of those things means that you are a good mom. I understand why a 17 year old can't see that (I know that I could not see it when I was 17), but like you said, someday he will get it and will look back and know that you did the best that you could.
  8. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    My younger son is 20, never done drugs, has had some alcohol (because he cooks for a living his boss is trying to develop his pallet), didn't have his first date until he was 18 (and she asked HIM out). I didn't put these "limitations" on him, it's just how he is.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    My son gets in a mode where he lies to himself and somewhere inside, he knows that he's the one who wanted to join scouts and went aas far as he could as a cub/webelos, then decided on his own to quit, and he LOVED swimming. I did push a little for him to get involved in baseball but after he tried it a year and didn't like being on a team, he quit and I dropped the issue.

    I'd love to be a fly on the wall the day he finally opens up to a therapist and says the things to them that 'justify' his reasoning for being mad at me, like why he thinks it's my fault that he lost his childhood. Any time he has started opening up to a therapist, he's come back and said 'all the therapist told me was that I have some skewed thinking'. LOL!

    skeeter- I know there are still some kids growing up withoutt doing everything there is to do before 14 or even 16-18. They typically don't end up in Department of Juvenile Justice though so all my sone has heard from boys around him the past few years is the stuff THEY were doing, and I have no doubt most of them have done a lot more. My son really has trouble fitting in with them and he doesn't fit in with those ITRW who haven't done all this anymore because he's been incarcerated so long. I don't think I'm going to make any issue if they want him to go to alternative school when he gets released now. It might be the only way for him to find a comfortable 'middle ground'.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Alt school might be really good for him challenges are not unusual there depending on the focus of the school of course. Do you get any say in those types of things? Or don't you know yet since PO is acting all cya and tough.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I haven't heard from PO- he was supposed to conference call me in on difficult child's MH meeting but didn't. My meeting with attny in Dec will focus more on my rights.
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think that you just had a normal teen-mom moment :)
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't know- I guess I never dreamed that the teen years really put the kids' thinking that far out there, even though plenty of parents of difficult children and PCs tried to warn me.

    difficult child just called and said they didn't have that MH meeting on Tues so that explains why I wasn't conferenced called in. Just another incident where PO drops the ball on communication....

    The boys got a good brunch, then a TD lunch, then were allowed to watch football on tv. That's not too bad.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This sounds like super typical teenage boy thinking. At least he didn't scream it at you.
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Actually, it sounds like an ok time for the boys and him at Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I think I might have wanted to join them at moments today, teehee
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    thank you, Susie. He's still in Department of Juvenile Justice- if he so much as touched me roughly or screamed at me, or me at him, there would be a MAJOR issue. We are allowed to cry, hug, and show normale, appropriate affection and emotions.
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    The more things change the more they stay the same, lol. As a Catholic easy child aged thirteen my best friend and I decided we should get jobs and share an apartment "just for the summer". We were so excited and talked about every "grownup" detail. Both of us were shocked when our parents just said "No". I swear we didn't understand why "they didn't want us to grow up" "didn't even let us explain how we would handle the responsibilities" etc. etc. We really believed it was a win/win idea.

    difficult child teens just have different ideas than easy child's...but teens are teens are teens. Obviously your difficult child has not been interacting with kids who are active in community service, making lists of potential careers and college applications. I think it's good he shared with you. He really is facing challenges. DDD
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ya know K....even some of those locked up teens are prone to exaggeration. It isnt good for their cred to say...uhh...ya know, I never touched a girl, dont smoke no dope, mama told me I had to be in by 8, had to watch only g rated movies. LOL.

    Oh no, they were tha man, they ran with their homies, all the "shorty's" wanted them.