So disappointed...

ksm

Well-Known Member
My 21yo adopted dtr/dgd and her 14month old son, and her boyfriend left in June to stay with her bio mom halfway across the country. At first, I thought it might be the best thing for them. They had basically been homeless for almost two months and we had been taking care of our great grandson. She had said they needed a fresh start away from people in this small community.

We actually thought set the boyfriend would be apprehended at the airport, as he had an outstanding arrest warrant for our state. His father who helped trained police told us there's no way he was getting on a plane with a warrant. So we were expecting he would get taken Subway at the airport. But it didn't happen. That was one of the reasons we thought helping them get there would be a good idea.

They have now been there 5 months and from what I hear occasionally from x dtr-in-law ... it hasn't gone well. Although she has had two offers, the second one she never followed up on and the first one she only worked a few days. He was offered a job which he worked two days for before quitting. Xdil wants to send the boyfriend home but he has lost the ID that he had used to fly there. She thinks it would be a good idea if he was gone and dgd had a couple weeks without him there 24/7. But first he needs to get an official photo ID.

My husband and I are heartbroken. We really don't want them back in this community but we so miss our great grandson. He lived with us for two months while they were couch surfing. After the first month of them being in the other state dgd has pretty well stopped any communication with us. Occasionally I'll get a text that she will call later and then it's been weeks since that text. I am so afraid that our great grandson may end up in the system the same way his mother and sister did when they were young. We are now in our 60s and 70s and while we would try a short-term guardianship we know that adopting a toddler is not the best solution. Plus, I am not sure CPS would even consider us...

After they left here back in June, we found out they were heavily into drugs. There are times he is abusive to her. And probably times that the baby should not have been in their care. They were evicted from their low income housing. And after they moved out I went through their apartment trying to find the baby's belongings and it was disgusting. We hadn't been inside their apartment for over six months and had no clue that it had gotten so bad.

I am still going to Al-Anon meetings and trying to work the program for me. I so wish a child had not been born into this mess. But I'm not sure how to navigate the future when a precious little boy needs stability. I'm not sure what advice would be helpful as I already know the future is out of my control. But my heart hurts. We bonded with him when we had him 24/7 and his face would light up every morning when we would go to get him out of the crib. We were the people who were consistently in his life. He loved being in the stroller and going for walks. I found educational toys that he was exploring. We were there when he took his first steps. He loved playing hide and seek with us, I doubt that he even remembers who we are...

Open for suggestions or advice... ksm
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Ksm

All of this story is heartbreaking. For you and your husband and for the baby. And for your granddaughter/daughter, too even though the writing was on the wall. You feared for your daughter with this scumbag and one of the worst outcomes has come true.

It sure sounds inevitable that the baby will be taken from these inadequate parents, sooner or later, and I hope sooner. My son was born into circumstances like that.

It's so hard for us when our children are themselves limited by their past.

I feel certain the baby has not forgotten you. I would not make assumptions based upon what arrangements would be possible if he is no longer with his parents. However possible I would together with your husband decide what you would want. And speak to your son. Maybe your daughter would be open to an adoption, if that is what you agree would be the right thing for you.

Ksm, I am so very sorry you've been going through this. You have only been guided by great love, hope and responsibility.

Love, Copa
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
I so wish a child had not been born into this mess. But I'm not sure how to navigate the future when a precious little boy needs stability.
This is the most heartbreaking part, especially having bonded with your ggchild. Taking care of yourself and going to 12 step is important, but that doesn't stop the hurt. You recognize your powerlessness at the moment, especially given the geographical distance.

Are you and your husband young enough or willing to raise your gg son if the chance arises? I am 68, and don't get to see me grandchildren, which hurts, but I also know that I would not be willing to take on raising them. Either way, I choose to believe that you will find some way to be in your gg son's life, and he will be the better for it.

My thoughts are with you.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
If great grandson was taken away from parents, his aunt, (age 23) our older DGD would want custody...but I am not sure she would be approved...as she has struggled with anxiety and depression and is not yet financially stable. The BFs father and his new wife might be an option. She has two daughters in grade school.

I know DGD is capable of being a good mom, but not when she is in the relationship with current boyfriend. He is more demanding than a child and has her under his control. It is like she has disappeared... boyfriend has been in and out of her life since age 14.

Ksm
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Acacia and Copa, thank you for your responses. I think husband and I would agree to take care of ggs...if his mom would get treatment and get back on track. That is, if we were given a chance. We are both healthy and active, but I am also a realist...and at our age, things can change. Not sure ,y son would be able to take care of a toddler 24/7. He has had 2 spinal fusions and has chronic pain and on disability. But, I just feel like all the adults that love this little guy...could step up and be his village...his community...his safe spot. That would be my hope, that it would be short term and his mom could step up and be the mom he needs.

I have been praying for all of them, but I have only one prayer I can honestly pray for the boyfriend. "Lord, make xxxxxx a blessing to my daughter and their baby, either with his presence or his absence. Amen."

Ksm
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
KSM

So sorry to hear this. You have done everything in the world to give your granddaughters a good start and given them all the redirection that any parent or grandparent could give.

Sometimes our adult children have to learn things the hard way and this seems to be the route that your granddaughter is taking and there is nothing you can do about it unfortunately.

I do hope that soon she sees the baby daddy for what he is and puts her son first and makes being a good mother to him her first priority. I'm sure if she made this change you would do everything in your power to help her as you always have.

The choice is hers and she can do it.

Prayers and hugs for your strength.
:grouphugg:
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Last night our older granddaughter called and she was upset. She said her mom had called and that her sister and boyfriend had had an altercation. A male friend or neighbor chased him away. The police were called and then she denied any physical altercation. This upset her older sister to tears and I tried to assure her that even if she was there she could not control the situation. I don't know what it will take for this to have a safe ending. He still doesn't have an ID, or a job, or any way to leave that state because you have to have an ID to travel. My ex-daughter-in-law wants him gone.

If they were to return to our state I don't believe there is any relative that would let them both stay. We would only agree to take the grandson. As long as our granddaughter is involved with the boyfriend we can't have her here. We would be prisoners in our own home because we can't trust her not to let boyfriend in. Our town does not have much in the way of services for homeless people. There's only one shelter and you have to check in between 5 and 7pm and not leave till the next morning. They would never agree to do that. Plus without an ID card I don't think he would even be allowed there. Another issue is he has a warrant for failure to appear on DV charges from 5 years ago! I know it's not my problem to solve.

The way they are acting makes me wonder if they're on drugs. They had been in the past before they left here. But her mom says she is not giving them any cash. The thought has crossed my mind that he would pimp her out for drugs. I know it's an intrusive thought, and I hope it's not true, but I wouldn't put it past him. He seems to have complete control over anything she does. Ksm
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Ksm, I am so sorry. What is there to say? I don’t understand his sway over her. I really don’t. Would she be willing to send the baby back?
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Ksm, I am so sorry. What is there to say? I don’t understand his sway over her. I really don’t. Would she be willing to send the baby back?

We have discussed this and we would be willing. I am going to send her mom a text...but she isn't very responsive to communications. But I will reach out. Ksm
 
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