So embarressed!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by hopefloats, Sep 24, 2007.

  1. hopefloats

    hopefloats New Member

    I live in a very small town with a very small library in the town hall. My difficult child loves to go there and play the learning games on the kids computer. Every time I go, I end up so frustrated. My difficult child is very loud,& disruptive. He yells for me when he gets stuck on the game even after explaining the quiet rules over again when I help him. During this time I'm working with my easy child at the toddlers section or trying to find a book for myself. Everyone is constantly staring or the librarian is getting on to my kids. It's so embarrassing. Today, we go just for a short time. My difficult child starts stomping really loud to the room. We're passing the court room in progress everyone in the court room staring at us passing by. He sat on a book shelf after I asked him not to and it broke (very loud). My easy child is running back and forth laughing really loud. Their all very nice there but they give you those looks like can't you control your kids? I know their so grateful when we leave. Sometimes I just loose heart and get weary, thank God I found this place.
  2. ma2sevn

    ma2sevn New Member

    I adore my kids but I heard a funny thing once. This woman was in line with her own kids who were really acting up checking out at Walmart, and the woman says really loud.."I just hate taking MY SISTERS KIDS anywhere!" that made me laugh.
    If it makes you feel any better, I had to restrain my ODD son in front of the deli counter at Wal mart not long ago and my 12 yr old and 8 yr old told me later they were acting like they didnt even know me they were so embarassed. I am a bigger girl and I am sure I dont look too pretty trying to get him wrangled.... I think I have come to the place where I do care what others think but not nearly as much as I used to. ANd since I have therputic kids and rely on my sense of humor (and sarcasm at times)I think these things in my head while I am in the store or wherever...the store or place has insurance, right? It does say it is open to the PUBLIC, right? Most other mothers are thinking one of two things 1) God please help that poor mom...or 2) thank God those arent my kids! And I really think most people are under educated...they just dont understand . Try to educate the librarian and get her helping you find books to help you and possible books that will interest your kids...that way she will be more tolerant and hopefully helpful when you visit. Nice to meet you too.
  3. hopefloats

    hopefloats New Member

    Very funny! Thanks I needed that!!!!!!! I had my difficult child do some very public tantrums and most of the time I can handle them but sometimes you just want to scream! Maybe if I act just like him next time I won't feel stared at because I'll be too involved letting out steam. Whew that would get some looks, I'm a very short big girl so maybe they'll think I'm a kid. It's rude how the public can treat others sometimes. I just need a backbone! HE!HE!
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I remember back when we visited childless relatives for Christmas one year. We were in a caravan in their driveway, hooked up to their electricity. For the two weeks we were there, we were paying an allowance for the electricity and contributing to the shopping, so there was no risk that we would add to their living expenses unduly.

    The kids - easy child was 5, difficult child 1 was not quite 4, easy child 2/difficult child 2 was just over a year old, and cutting all four molars at once. We had the two older ones sleeping in the bunks, husband & I had the double bed at the other end of the van and we had easy child 2/difficult child 2 in a travelling cot in the corridor of the van. We had learned (as many other parents have before us) to have a masking noise for the kids to sleep to, at least to begin with at nap time and bedtime. So we had a small radio hooked up to the caravan's power. There was also a small night light just inside the caravan door - no more than 20 W. We had a system well in place after we'd been there for the first week or more and the kids would go to bed and sleep soundly. We would go to bed a few hours later and once we were quiet and settled, we would turn off the radio.

    The childless relatives had seen our routine and had also seen how easy the kids were to settle at bedtime. We could leave them in the caravan and go back into the house, knowing that if there was a problem easy child would come and fetch us. (Australian summer, remember).

    So with some trepidation (these were CHILDLESS relatives) we accepted their offer to babysit while we went out to dinner (me, husband and in-laws). This was in the days before mobile phones, but shouldn't be a problem - we made sure the kids were settled and asleep before we left.

    We had a lovely time and came home happy, to find childless relatives looking purse-lipped and grim, barely on speaking terms with us. "I thought you said the kids would sleep soundly and not wake?" they accused us. "They woke within half an hour of you leaving and screamed solidly. easy child's been restless, difficult child 1 has been clinging and won't go back in the caravan and here's easy child 2/difficult child 2..." who was just stopping crying, having seen us. I felt her - no fever, although she had been feverish on and off with the new teeth. I checked - easy child was huddled in bed wide awake and fearful. difficult child 1 was sitting inside the house nodding off in a blanket on the couch. And when we checked in the caravan - the light and radio were both off.
    "Oh yeah, I turned the van power off once they were asleep - no sense wasting electricity," the somewhat miserly man of the house said. (There had been an incident a few days earlier, when he'd come back from JOGGING in 45C heat - that's way over 100F - to feel cold when he got into the air-conditioned house, so he SHUT OFF the air conditioning to save electricity. In 45C heat!)

    He wouldn't accept that HIS STINGINESS had been the cause of the trouble - oh no, it was OUR spoilt children who were simply a nightmare to babysit.

    husband & I were absolutely furious - we had only gone out because these relatives had insisted we have a night off, and to come home and have to deal with the kids who had had just enough sleep to not be able to go back to sleep now, meant we had a rough night. This only vindicated the man of the house, clearly our rough night had been the follow-on to some aberration in our children that had caused trouble for them also. In his mind, it had nothing to do with him turning off the night light and the radio, by turning off the power - easy child had tried to fix things by flicking the switch but when it didn't work, she began to panic. And she had only gotten involved because the other two were already crying, from the sudden cessation of sound too early in their night's sleep. For the sake of maybe 2c worth of electricity (which we had paid for anyway) the babysitting couple had a miserable time - and after they had finished complaining to us, so did we.

    A classic example of false economy.

    Our kids were a handful at times, we now understand why. But they were well-organised and if we stuck to the routine, they were wonderful. We never had any problems with them being babysat at home; and when away from home the only problems we ever had were when the sitter decided THEY knew best and would disturb them, like going in to kiss them goodnight, AFTER they've finally fallen asleep - you don't do that with such light sleepers. Such people (who like to kiss sleeping children goodnight) also like to get some sort of acknowledgement from the sleeping child for their troubles - a move in their sleep, maybe rolling over, hugging teddy tighter - but all you'd get from our kids if you roused them even that much was they would wake up thoroughly, declare that it was now morning, and where is breakfast? And a game?

    We got our revenge - this couple eventually had two children. We've been gleefully enjoying the whole process.

    People who either do not have kids of their own, or who have never had kids like yours (or who have conveniently forgotten) can really create a lot of distress for other parents.

    Mind you, a kid sitting on library shelves - I'd be either keeping him out of the library or only taking him in on a leash, but that's me. And the noise factor - in the children's section, you have to accept this. You can try to teach them to shush, but it takes time for them to learn. You just keep trying. Our kids library has bean bags for the kids.

    And hey, at least he isn't ripping books to pieces!

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Now why didn't I ever think of that one?? :rofl: :rofl:

    So your kids aren't perfect. At least they enjoy going to the library!

    Is there any way a friend or family member could tag along to help out?

    My kids have always loved the library, Travis most of all. Leave it to the kid who can barely see to love reading the most. lol But Travis also has a major problem with volume control, clumsiness, getting excited. Telling him to be quiet and reserved in the library was just beyond him. But he was always polite to the librarians, and did try to be good.

    They got used to him. Plain and simple. We also live in a very small town. Travis still goes to the library on a reg basis. There isn't a single librarian who doesn't know who he is. lol

  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I've always had an extra adult to tag along when I'd take the tweedles to the library. I'd lost wm one too many times to ever go there either one on one with him or kt or take an extra adult.

    Do you have a young teen in your area who would be willing to help out? Just thinking outloud here for you.,

    good luck.
  7. Indianamomof4

    Indianamomof4 New Member

    Oh my gosh, I thought I was the only one... It's horrendous to take my four there. I love to go because I travel to my home campus once a week to MI and it's 2 hrs each way. I get books on CD to pass the time. My SO is ok, but he and I are going our separate ways when our house sells and it's not like I can just get up and leave him with the kids when I need to go to the library. :frown:

    Anyway, I do try and avoid taking them all, if at all possible because my difficult child loves to run and bounce off of walls (literally), so if I can, I wait until someone else has the kids, or ask someone to help out and keep 2 while I take two (my SO mostly).

    If I went there often enough, I would also explain the child's situation so that the people there understand that the child has some issues--it's not just normal "acting out" behavior.
  8. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I know how you feel!!! When my difficult children were small, I couldn't take them anywhere without something happening. The entire process of bringing them anywhere was totally exhausting!!!

    Like Linda, I usually had a babysitter come with me to help out. I was lucky because even though she was young, she was great with my difficult children. Having her at the playground, etc., with me, made the trip much more enjoyable for all.

    I hope today is a better day... :flower: WFEN
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ah! TimerLady beat me to it ... I was going to suggest another adult or a teenage babysitter. That way you can devote total attention to ea child.

    Sheesh, Marg! What a nightmare.
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can so relate!
  11. hopefloats

    hopefloats New Member

    OH! Goodness! I really needed your inputs. It's frustrating because we can't afford babysitters or daycare so I stay home with them. We tried but we almost lost my girl because her immune system couldn't handle it. My family and friends all work full time jobs and off on weekends but our library is only open during the week days. So, I'm on my own and most of the time can handle it but sometimes just need a screaming session. Thanks everyone for making me feel better.
  12. tired Cheryl

    tired Cheryl New Member

    Hi, Hopefloats:

    Sorry for you as I can feel your pain. I hate that I am so sensitive to the stares and mean looks but that is me, private and quiet, well at least I was before difficult child.

    I think my most embarrassing incident to date with difficult child was the time he pulled the fire alarm during Mass. That was last year when we were still attempting to attend chuch together as a family (his behavior was too disruptive for the chuch babysitting). I would was in the front lobby part of the church so that he could make noise and walk around and I turned my head for a spilt second in order to pick up a mess that he was making with the church bulletins to see in horror out of the corner of my eye him pulling the alarm. I had the entire church giving me "that look" and I was humiliated.

    Two weeks ago at the food court at the Children's Hospital, I turned my head to answer my ringing cell phone (like 5 seconds) and I find him across the food court at the condiment station wearing nothing but underwear and socks!!!! So, even at a place that has it's far share of non-perfect children everyone was staring at US!!

    People just do not understand how quick and determined he is. They look at me like I cannot control him and they are right most times I cannot despite trying and appearing like I am not so he does not resist more. I have no problem with my easy child or family/friend's kids. Just difficult child...and he knows it.

    I'm still waiting for the thick skin so I can deal with the stares.
    Hang in there.
  13. ma2sevn

    ma2sevn New Member

    Hey Cheryl,
    I have a son with epilepsy and ODD...have you found any research that suggests the connection between the two? I am sorry you had those experiences but I actually did laugh out loud when I read your post! They are QUICK arent they? I award you the prize for funniest post!!! ANgela
  14. tired Cheryl

    tired Cheryl New Member

    Hi, Angela:

    Wow, awarded the funniest post on a Conduct Disorder Forum! I think we have just sunk to a new low!! ROFL :laugh:

    That is the million dollar question isn't it??? How are the seizures and behavior disorder related?? The neuro explains it like two circles that overlap (neither is causing the other yet they probably share commone pathway.)

    They think the focus for my son's seizures is the frontal lobe and you can get all kinds of impulsive strange behaviors with frontal lobe problems. I'm sure that you know children with epilepsy commonly have behavior problems regardless of their type of seizure or focus.

    We realize that we are on a long trip easy answers or cures. Neurology is just too complex.

    Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss more. I would like to hear about your experiences.

  15. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I have told this story here before but it's a good one to repeat.

    I raised my difficult child to be polite and to ask "can we afford this?" if the answer was no, he would simply put the item back. But time with his major difficult child biofather ruined that.

    He was 31/2 years old and we went into Kmart. Money was tight and I was just getting a few necessities. As a "bargaining chip" if he behaved while I got what I needed he got to look in the toy aisle for 5 minutes. This particular day he grabbed onto a toy and refused to let go, he kept saying Can I get this? When I bent down and whispered NO, we don't have the money today he threw the toy across the aisle and proceeded to make a big mouthy deal over why we can NEVER afford anything.

    What's a Mom to do? I was getting the looks too. So I laid down on the floor in the toy aisle and began to kick and flail my arms like I was having a seizure, yelling "I AM THE WORLDS WORST MOTHER I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD A STUPID TOY WAHHHHH WAHHHHHH". With this...people came to look and I kept flailing. difficult child leaned down and through gritted teeth (wonder where he got that from) he said "YOU are 'barrasing me MOm, get up" to which I flailed and kicked more yelling "I'M SUCH A BAD MOM."

    A woman standing at the end of the aisle began applauding for me as I got up. I bowed and difficult child stood by the cart with a mixed look of I think I'm going to die, and I can't believe she did that at all. I leaned over the cart and whispered...."I'm bigger, I'm older & I've had a lot longer to learn how to throw a tantrum, do not ever embarrass me like this again." No we can't afford it means NO we can't afford it.

    With that...and to this day at age 17....I merely have to look at my son and say the work under my breath Kkkkkkmart.....and he'll knock off the public display of being a jerk. He KNOWS I'll do it. I have no shame left. I used to tell people that my difficult child has pushed me so far past the point of embarrassment I could literally peel a maxi pad, slap it on my forehead and walk around in Walmart on a Saturday afternoon without missing a beat. (I am not kidding)

    EVENTUALLY - you thank God for your outspoken children, forget the embarrassment, bow and tell them the next show will be at 5:00 tickets are limited, and find a way to deal with the looks you get from people who don't have such "talented", extroverted children.

    Hugs for your blushing...
  16. tired Cheryl

    tired Cheryl New Member

    Is there a National (or international Marguerite) difficult child convention?
    It would be nice to be around a group of people with difficult child and not fear humiliation!
  17. hopefloats

    hopefloats New Member

    ROFL!! Lone Ranger. I've thought about doing that but I believe my son would stand there and laugh with the rest of the on-lookers and tell me afterwards that I was silly. But that was GREAT!!!!!!!! I have always been very shy so this is a new thing for me. He played t-ball this summer. It got to where all the people watching would get really quiet when my son came up to bat because they knew he would give them a funny show. He loves the attention. He got up to bat one time and everyone got quiet, I yelled "come on John, you can do it!" It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. My son put his bat down, stepped out of the batters box and yelled at me "I know that Momma, you don't have to tell me!" Everyone busted out laughing and I had to tell my mother-in-law that I just can't be shy after having kids.

    There should be a convention to go to!! Good idea Cheryl. My son has the naked experiences also. For some reason those are way more embarrassing.
  18. ma2sevn

    ma2sevn New Member

    you guys make me feel so good.... When I read these posts I know I am not alone in my in my zany actions trying to stay ahead of these kids.I do get together with some local foster adopt parents and it feels good to be around people that KNOW how you feel and can laugh with you..or cry at times. But I am getting closer to having no shame myself. You guys are great!!!