So exactly how do you let go?

[Srcsweet2]

have read all the stickys on this site and others but there is no specific suggestions. My AS has been blowing up my phone all weekend either leaving me messages that he needs a new phone to messages now that I am not there for him when he needs to talk. I just text him back and said there was nothing I could do for him ...my only advice is he seek help. He has never been in a real rehab or even program at this point ..he will be 25 in December

I had been doing good with no contact at all but then I messed up I didn't read any boards and then my mother, who has let him live with her, instead of in his car as I suggested and was emailing me over the chaos he is already causing her on day 2.

He continues to say he is clean yet I don't believe him he is up all night still and up early. I have read that could be a sign he is clean but I also know it was a sign he is using. I live states away so all I have to go by is his voice and my gut and I suspect he is not clean. However I realize I can't put my life on hold anymore and need to let go.

How is my question? Do I just ignore him? Do I tell him I need a break? Do I tell him I am letting go? Do I talk to him but say very little? I just wish I knew what to do or not to do...what to say or not to say ...it's all very draining

 

[DaisyFace]

Hello and welcome!

The reason is there no specific instructions on detachment (do A then B then C) is because detachment is an ongoing process. Some days you will feel strong and empowered and detachment will seem easy - then the next thing you know, you will be drowning in guilt and self-doubt.

You have found a wonderful support group here - weekends are a little slow....but we will offer help in whatever way we can.

(((Hugs)))

 

[DaisyFace]

Here is a link to a thread from our archives:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/question-for-the-brainstorming-list.5461/

There are some great suggestions for what to say when your child calls asking for things...

 

[Kathy813]

Hello and welcome. It would help us get to know you if would create a signature like the one you see at the bottom of my post.

Detaching is a process and it should be done with love. That, of course, is much easier said than done. Since your difficult child is states away, I would be tempted to tell him that you need a break from him and block his calls and texts for a while. You can always call your mother to see how he is doing.

As far as him telling you that he is sober, then what is causing the chaos at your mom's house? A sober difficult child would probably not be causing chaos. We CD moms have found that our gut feelings are usually right.

Please keep reading our stories and posting. We don't have all of the answers but we do have insight and experience to share.

~Kathy

 

[Srcsweet2]

Thanks I have updated my signature and now I will check out that link as to do's and don't s I need the strength this weekend ....I really can't take much more

 

[DDD]

Welcome. It is hard. It is not the same for all of us. on the other hand, we have each other to lean on and most of us are reasonably intelligent and totally loving/caring toward our difficult child's. Glad you joined us. Hugs DDD

 

[toughlovin]

It is very hard and it is a process. I think the thing to remember is that letting go does not mean you have to stop loving them because that is impossible. For me it means setting limits, not taking abusive behavior, and only doing the things that feel right to me AND finding ways to take care of myself, move on with my life, and not be totally obsessed with what he is doing. All of that is at times easier said than done and it is easier some times than other times.

It is easier for me to let go when I am angry, much harder when I am scared or sad. Yesterday I was scared and upset and obsessed. Today I am doing better and not so obsessed.

Everyone is different and what is right for one might not be for another and a lot can depend on your relationship. For example I always take and respond to text messages and phone calls... but my difficult child does not call me incessantly, in fact he often does not call me at all which I find difficult. When he had a phone I would text him now and then to let him know I was around and loved him. Now I am sending him some messages through FB which I know he is getting and sometimes he responds to them. However if he gets verbally abusive to me on the phone I say goodbye and hang up. No reason to take that. I am getting better at seeing through his manipulation as well.

So it is a process.... there is no one way or wrong way. My goal is to keep letting my son know we love him, but to not enable him to continue on his self destructive path... and so he is homeless and he is all the way across the country right now.

TL

 

[Tiredof33]

It is a very difficult thing to do - but if he is calling you constantly I would tell him I am busy! Stay busy, find a hobby, exercise, meditate, read self help books, post on this forum, and learn to detatch from him as much as you can. At almost 25 he is not a child and they are so manipulative.

I can honestly say that all of the worrying I did only stressed me out more. It is his life, he is an adult, although like mine, he is not acting like it. You can not make him get help. Your mother is the one that let him move in so I would be too busy to listen to her very much!

You posted he is facing felony charges and he is already on probation, from experience (sadly) if it is drug related he maybe court ordered to rehab. Mine was twice. I wish I could say that he was clean and sober have that, but it would be a lie. I do believe with all my heart all therapy helps SOME. It will also give you and your mother a break.

I was at the point of wishing very much I had never had this child. He had cost so much in money, time, and stress. But, I can now look at him as a person that has taught me unconditional love. Mine start drugs and was out of control at an early age. Gifted, hated school, always in trouble, stealing from me (including giving my car keys to his friends to steal my car). My sanity started when I was transferred about 30 miles away and I left him behind.

Mine likes to post on FB that he suicidal. It's all out of our control. Not being there for him every moment when he calls out to you is not turning your back on him. He needs to learn to take care of himself, just as mine does. And you must take care of yourself.

I like this book written by a family therapist that couldn't save hers either. It's free and is a great place to start.
http://www.support4change.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=131&Itemid=177/7/23.html

(((huggs and blessings for us all)))

 

[Srcsweet2]

Thanks tired ...mine blows up my phone constantly either for money, phones or to lay guilt on me because I moved. Tonight he was calling and texting because he and his girlfriend have gotten back together and he wanted to rent a hotel room so he wanted my credit card! This afternoon he was calling non stop because he wants me to order him a new phone! I calmly text him that perhaps he should work and pay for it himself that I didn't have the money. I ignored all the calls I did text back. He too threatens suicide not as often as he used to though since I did call the cops but when they talked to him they felt he was not a threat to himself. So he doesn't do that too often anymore especially now since he is out on bail. I am trying very hard to stop being co-dependant and enableing ...its hard but I am trying

 

[Signorina]

Hi Sweet! You have lots of good advice all ready. I just found this saved on my phone- and I wanted to share it before I forgot. I find it empowering and it helps me to stay strong.


Parents "Ten Commandments" for Breaking the Enabling Cycle

1. You shall take care of your own spiritual, mental, physical, emotional and financial health.
2. You shall remember to express love and attention to your spouse and other family members and friends in addition to your troubled adult child.
3. You shall not accept excuses.
4. You shall understand that a clear definition of right and wrong is imperative for a disciplined society. There is no room for gray. Don't make excuses for what you believe.
5. You shall make fact-based judgments without excuse, and feel okay doing so.
6. You shall uphold standards of behavior that protect your morals, values and integrity.
7. You shall give your adult child unconditional love and support without meddling and without money.
8. You shall listen to music and read books that will focus your mind on your Higher Power.
9. You shall celebrate life and love as often as possible, even in times of trouble.
10. You shall consistently practice the six steps to SANITY:

S = Stop enabling, stop blaming yourself, and stop the flow of money
A = Assemble a support group
N = Nip excuses in the bud
I = Implement boundaries
T = Trust your instincts
Y = Yield everything to God.

Adapted from Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child Study Guide. Copyright © 2008 by Allison Bottke.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Sig,
I really needed to review those commandments - thanks for posting it.

CJ