SO has me upset and I don't know how to respond

[Californiablonde]

It's finals week for my students at work, and they are getting out half day every day this week. Once my students leave for the day, my work is pretty much over. Still, the administration is having me stay on till my regular time at 4:00. So basically I have four hours to kill. I have been spending my time on weight watchers and getting new recipes, and frequently checking my facebook page.

I found something interesting on facebook yesterday. A comment my boyfriend made on one of his female "friends" pics showed up on my newsfeed. I was curious and clicked on it. I was directed to some hot young blonde's page with a smoking hot body. She is from Rio De Janeiro (sp?) She has a huge list of followers like him, who are lusting after her for her looks. The offensive comment my boyfriend posted was, "Wow, where do I find a woman like you? If I had you I would never have to leave the house. I would have everything I always wanted."

Of course this chick would never give my boyfriend the time of day, not to mention she's half way around the world. I am still offended. Most of you know I am struggling with my weight since two years ago when my psychiatrist prescribed Remeron. I gained 46 pounds. I am now considered obese by medical standards, at 165 pounds. I am currently trying to lose the weight. Every time I pick up a tortilla chip or a cookie (which isn't often but I am allowed a few sweets on weight watchers) I get chastised by my boyfriend. He always has some smart remark about me not sticking to my diet.

He is a HUGE hypocrite. I currently have 40 pounds to lose. He has at least 60 pounds Occupational Therapist (OT) lose, and that's me being nice. In all honesty he probably needs to lose a good 75 pounds. I am currently doing something about my weight problem. He isn't. When he asks me "What happened to your diet?" every time I eat something he thinks I shouldn't, I respond with, "What happened to YOURS?" He responds by saying he doesn't need to be on one, which isn't true. difficult children words? "Mom he is way more fatter than you. How dare he say anything about your weight?"

She is right. He's a hyprocrite. This comment he made to this other woman on facebook is really bothering me. Of course he never counted on me seeing it come through my newsfeed, but I did and now I don't know if I should say something or leave it alone. By the way, two years ago I had a body much like this woman on the internet. God blessed me with big boobs, a round bottom, and a tiny waist. I used to look like her. I know my boyfriend is disappointed I don't look like that anymore. Still, he has no room to talk. My online bipolar support group is furious with him and thinks I should dump him. I don't want to go that far, but what do I do? Ignore it? Bring it up? And if I do, what should I say?

 

[SuZir]

He isn't emotionally supportive to you.
If I remember correctly, he doesn't give you much in sense of the romance or intimacy.
He isn't providing for you.
He isn't father of your children.
He isn't even such a good step parent to them.
He causes you troubles with living situation.
He is putting you down and bad to your self confidence.
He doesn't have much prospects.

Sorry to tell you this girl, but he simply isn't much of the catch.

If you are madly and deeply in love with him, I can see putting up with him. But if you are with him because you have got used to him or you are afraid of being alone or not having a boyfriend, you should seriously think twice if this charmer is worth your time and effort.

(And yeah, that kind of comments he did in Fb from him are offensive to you, all women in general and simply pitiful and gross. And him commenting of your diet is controlling and mean, which of course is even a bigger problem than him being a jerk online.)

 

[BusynMember]

What Suzir said.
You don't need him.
You are better than that.
Pack his bags.

 

[Californiablonde]

I am not afraid of being alone at all. I rather enjoy it. I was alone for six years till he came along. When my kids would see their dad on weekends I looked forward to my alone time. But seriously I have grown attached to him and I do love him. Madly and deeply in love? I wouldn't call it that. But I have grown to love him. Here I thought he was starting to make improvements. He has never gotten me a Christmas gift, birthday card, Valentine's card/gift, nada, until two weeks ago. I posted on facebook a lovely sterling silver cat necklace I've always wanted, and he ordered it for me and gave it to me as a surprise gift. I was shocked. Before this I got nothing from him. I thought it was a sweet gesture on his part. It's like he does something nice, but then does something to counteract it. My kids also adore him, especially easy child since he has no other positive role model in his life (his dad is in his life here and there but only because he doesn't want to pay extra support.) I know easy child would miss him. I don't know what to do. I am incredibly hurt.

 

[DDD]

I feel guilty telling the truth....but from the day you let him move in and live "free" at your house I've been hoping to read that he gave of himself to you, your son or your daughter. So far you haven't shared any contribution he has made emotionally or economically to your family. I think he is taking advantage of you because you are kind, anxiety prone, and vulernable. There. I said what I've been thinking for over a year. If we were "real life" friends...that is what I would say face to face. You deserve better! Hugs DDD

 

[recoveringenabler]

You do deserve better CB. He is not a kind, giving, caring guy, he sounds like a critical, overbearing, stingy, callous and as DDD said, kind of a freeloader kind of guy.

Sometimes we can get involved with someone and as time goes by, it simply gets comfortable, we get used to the person and their odd traits...........that doesn't mean it is a healthy and loving relationship. Perhaps a good exercise for you would be to put a line down a piece of paper with pros and cons and begin writing what is good about him and what isn't. Sometimes it helps for us to see it in black and white.

It isn't okay for those around us to put us down, to criticize us, to ignore our birthday and Christmas, to be messaging other women...........I can't think of any redeeming qualities he has that you've mentioned except that your kids like him.

I completely agree that you deserve someone who is kind and loving, supportive, giving, is financially solvent, treats you with respect and honors you.............unfortunately, as in everything else in life, we get what we settle for. Don't settle CB, aim higher then this guy.

 

[helpangel]

Men are like bus's there will be another one along in 10 minutes

or in other words

don't miss out on Mr. Right wasting your time with Mr. Right now

Nancy

PS my darling X use to stick his head in the shower and moo at me when I was 8 mo. pregnant... guess it helps explain why he's an X

 

[DammitJanet]

Sorry CB, He may really not have meant too much because he obviously knew this person would never read what he wrote, much less act on it.

I have done something similar. I have a mad crush on Derek Hough from Dancing With The Stars. He is roughly the same age as my boys so he is a very guilty pleasure...lol. Last year when DWTS was on I posted on his twitter page "All I want for Xmas is you in a big red bow and I could die the next day a very happy woman!" Tony is gaga for Angelina Jolee and JLo. We have always joked that we promise to not cheat with anyone not on our dream list. I seriously doubt any major stars are gonna come knocking on our door,,,lol

 

[Californiablonde]

I don't want to make him sound like a total heel. He does have his redeeming qualities. He pays my gas and electric bills. Sometimes he takes easy child to work with him on Saturdays and pays him money for helping him out. He plays video games with him, and watches difficult child's favorite shows with her. He does take me out to dinner for my birthday, but no card or gift. It's not like he totally blows me off for it. He gives the kids birthday money. Funny that he is critical about my weight when he has more weight to lose than me, and when we first met I was not physically attracted to him at all whatsoever. Even if he lost weight, he is not physically my type. His sense of humor and personality won me over. It took a year of us just being friends to make me finally accept going out on a date with him. I guess I keep hoping he will go back to being the sensitive, funny guy he was when we first met. Why do they always have to change over time?

 

[Childofmine]

My ex used to get real involved in what I ate. He would say: "do you really need to eat that? Are you eating that? (when I was obviously about to put a bite of it into my mouth? Etc." All with a frown on his face, squinting at the offending food item and then at me. I would blow up (from time to time) and say, you are not my father and please, make no comments about my food. Then, he stopped saying anything but the looks, body language, squinting were still going on.

Of course, me, being the mature person that I was, I would just eat more. So there. I'll show him. I'll eat two pieces of cake. Real bright, but that was my mindset.

Truth be told, I was so very hurt and felt rejected by that behavior. I am not overweight, but I would always like to lose 10 pounds.

It was part of the judgmental persona that operated at full tilt. I believe the person he judged most harshly was himself but I was a close second.

Today, I have better boundaries and I work hard to respect others' boundaries. Unfortunately, I can't do a thing about what anybody decides to do, including what they eat, how much they exercise, whether they should go to the doctor or not, and up to and including the drugs they take or don't take.

My SO and I have really good boundaries and demonstrate respect for each other. We give each other some space to be who we are. I work hard not to get into his business and he does the same. Actually, this has brought us much closer and we don't have many disagreements, even though we have a lot of differences in ourselves. This is the first time I have ever had healthy boundaries in an significant relationship and it is a gift and a joy and something worth protecting.

Boundary work is something you can both do, if you both are willing. It will improve your relationship immensely, if you want to stay together.

If you don't, it's hard to stay with someone who won't respect the fact that you are two adult separate human beings.

Hugs and warmth go to you today.

 

[BackintheSaddle]

I agree with everyone who's advising that it's time to let go of him...it sounds like a pretty toxic relationship in my humble opinion...nobody deserves that kind of treatment...what do you actually get out of it? you said this below-- how is this man a good role model? in what ways is he demonstrating what a 'good man' should be like? he's lazy, fat, critical, cruel to their mom, not giving or compassionate...it seems like you might be feeling defensive for him given all these responses, but ask yourself how this relationship is REALLY benefitting you and your kids? (playing video games, really?-- what about bike rides or walks, playing basketball)... I know it gets repeated alot on messages on this website but this really would be a good time to reread 'codependent no more'....

My kids also adore him, especially easy child since he has no other positive role model in his life (his dad is in his life here and there but only because he doesn't want to pay extra support.)
Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...dont-know-how-to-respond.56347/#ixzz2ruLAlwGY

 

[BusynMember]

I don't want to make him sound like a total heel. He does have his redeeming qualities. He pays my gas and electric bills. Sometimes he takes easy child to work with him on Saturdays and pays him money for helping him out. He plays video games with him, and watches difficult child's favorite shows with her. He does take me out to dinner for my birthday, but no card or gift. It's not like he totally blows me off for it. He gives the kids birthday money. Funny that he is critical about my weight when he has more weight to lose than me, and when we first met I was not physically attracted to him at all whatsoever. Even if he lost weight, he is not physically my type. His sense of humor and personality won me over. It took a year of us just being friends to make me finally accept going out on a date with him. I guess I keep hoping he will go back to being the sensitive, funny guy he was when we first met. Why do they always have to change over time?

Because when you first meet, it is the honeymoon period. This is the real him. I think he believes a woman should have to be shapely and slim while a man can turn into a slob. It's a double standard that some sexist men have.

 

[susiestar]

You are worth more than this. Your KIDS are worth more than this. He may be a great friend, but he clearly is NOT the man you fell in like with, and while you say you love him, you do not say you are IN LOVE WITH HIM. There is a HUGE difference between the two. Until you truly believe, deep down, that you are worth more than this, you will settle for this.

What men are attracted to at first may be the body. It is NOT what they stay for, or what keeps a relationship going. You do NOT have to be a skinny little thing with big boobs and a cute ass for men to truly care for you and desire you. Trust me, I know more skinny women with great figures who don't have a man but want one than heavier, more ordinary looking women who are in committed, loving relationships that last for years. Of course some women of every body type are in each group, but if what the man really wants is that skinny but curvy body, he has little regard for the real woman inside EVERY woman's body.

A man should do more than pay part of the utility bills, spend some time with your kids, and take you out to eat on your birthday or whenever. He should show that he cares for you every single day.

My folks have been married since the mid sixties. To each other, first and only marriage for each of them. Boy have their bodies changed through the years, but their love has nothing to do with that and they have so much more between them.

My father would ask my mom if she was really going to eat that maybe twice. The first time she would say no, then chew it and spit it into a cup. That she would fill with coffee and serve to him. Or maybe a glass of water so he could see it and know it was not acceptable to say that to her. The second time, my mother would take every unhealthy food item out of the house. Even the candy he keeps in his desk drawer. which she does NOT get into, ever. No junk would be in the house because his remark CLEARLY shows he is concerned about healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle. (She would likely have a hard time keeping a straight face as she said this since my dad has maintained since I was a child that he is allergic to vegetables. He HATES healthy food with a passion.) He would have to endure this for WEEKS before she relented. This is the man who had a day of mourning when the Hostess BAkery Outlet closed here. He is retired so he cannot just keep the junk food at work anymore, either.

The problem isn't your weight, it is his controlling behavior. He clearly thinks he has you where he wants you, paying most of his bills and doing anything you can to please him. If he truly wanted to SUPPORT your weight loss, he would be supportive and tell you that you look great and he is proud of your hard work.

That isn't happening, is it?

The comment to the hot babe? In some ways it is 'guy talk', but it isn't okay IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. That is the key. My parents have an agreement much like Janet and Tony. If certain people come knocking at the door, then terms will have to be discussed. Otherwise? Appreciate the art from at least arm's length.

If you an SO are going to stay together, you need to discuss this and set some terms. what is okay in your relationship, what isnt? I agree with DDD completely, but I also think you need to learn how to set boundaries. In addition to codependent no more, read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. PLEASE. It will change your life in amazing and wonderful ways.