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So, how do you detach? What did YOU do?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 633741" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>HLM, easy child is 'perfect child' for the non difficult child's we raise.</p><p></p><p>Sweet mama, I related to every word in your post. It was long because it was your story and I appreciate that you took the time to share it all. It touched my heart because so many of the feelings you have/had are so similar to mine.</p><p></p><p>Detaching is a process for all of us. It is not linear and it is all over the map. We love these kids, there are many emotions to untangle in the journey we are taking. It is very hard. My advice is always to seek out professional help, a therapist or a therapist run support group geared for this kind of thing. I placed myself in an almost 2 year long Codependency program within a huge HMO run Substance Abuse program, run by therapists well versed in recovery. It changed my life. I went to a weekly support group and had private therapy as well. I also attended CoDa 12 step groups, other groups, NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) groups and I read everything I could get my hands on. I expressed myself on this forum and received stellar support from others who were in similar situations. Over time it all changed.</p><p></p><p>To attempt to answer your questions........here goes...........I don't think we "put them out" in the beginning, I think we have that as our intention if they cannot adhere to the boundaries and requirements we must have in order to live our own lives and feel good about ourselves. Which may be the first step for many of us, to figure out what it is we want, what we can live with, what we can't live with, what is non negotiable, what is ok and what is not ok. We have to get VERY VERY clear on what it is we require, what our boundaries are, what we are willing to do and what we are not because we have to cover all the loopholes so that our difficult child's cannot manipulate themselves back through the boundaries. That takes some time and usually some real support.</p><p></p><p>Once you get the boundaries intact, you've been absolutely clear with your difficult child about what is expected and what you will not tolerate, I think it's then we begin the boundary of "by this date, if this isn't accomplished, you will have 30 days to leave." Then you stick to that date. You may need to get a court order, in some states, even if the person is your child, you need to go through the legal system and get an eviction going.</p><p></p><p>It ends up being all about YOUR boundaries. They cannot be crossed. Period. If they are there are consequences. The police are called. Real life has consequences. This is real life.</p><p></p><p>If he abuses calling you or texting you, then yes, you limit it. It is all about his behavior, the consequences are equal to his behavior. He is respectful, ok, he is not, hang up or end the text and don't pick up for a while.................consequence.</p><p></p><p>Take the phone away? Well, for some of us, it's worth it to keep the phone so they can call. However, if he abuses it, keeps losing it, has no regard for it, or hassles you with it, then get rid of it. That is your call about how much you want to be in touch to know he is okay. We all differ on the phone thing. Remember, there is no right or wrong, only what YOU can live with.</p><p></p><p>A therapist told me once that the way you can begin to see if you are enabling versus loving kindness is that with loving kindness you feel good, with enabling you don't, there is usually resentment and anger or frustration. I found that to be helpful as I learned how to disengage from my difficult child's behaviors and choices.</p><p></p><p>I haven't called the police on my daughter, she managed to get into jail without my interference.</p><p></p><p>Once you start changing and setting boundaries, usually our difficult child's begin a terrorist program of acting out, manipulation, high drama, threats, whatever has worked in the past will now be blown into the stratosphere to get you to go back to what you were doing before. This is a tough part for us because of course, they know every single button of ours to push to get a reaction. You will likely need support through it, it's challenging. Do not cave, hang in there through it, it will eventually subside when they realize you have indeed changed and their attempts are futile.</p><p></p><p>Yes, they do sometimes resign themselves to your decision, eventually I think many of them do, but not all. My daughter actually responded quite well to each boundary I set. I was surprised, but as I changed and responded differently, so did she. Some of the difficult child's stay angry for a very long time though, go no contact to punish us and do whatever they can to remind you that their messed up lives are entirely YOUR</p><p>fault............if you read through some of our stories, you will see that theme often.</p><p></p><p>My belief is that there is an end to parenting..........if we go beyond that point, it becomes unhealthy for us and for our kids. When we have troubled kids, the end of parenting is a harder line to figure out, we continue because we believe they need us and they can't do it without us, but truthfully, most of our kids can make it without us, there are a few who require more care, but most of them need to face the reality of their choices and behavior and face those consequences in order to learn how to grow up. It may not be the way we would want them to grow up and face reality, but often, their choices will lead them to their own life lessons that we have nothing to do with. My belief is that my daughter has her own destiny path and I had to get out of the way and allow her to have it. Is it what I would want for her? NO. But it is not my life, it is her life.</p><p></p><p>As the others have stated, call the police for any suicide threats.</p><p></p><p>It a good idea to limit your time with your son. Make that clear. Engaging with him will bring on the crazy making. Refrain from responding. Practice that. Practice using one liners instead of getting emotionally involved. "I know you can figure it out." Practice silence, use few words. It's the engagement with the wild crazies that will make you nuts. Our difficult child's live in a different universe where their words are like sharp objects designed to cut out of us what they require............keep away from that as best you can. After awhile you get used to it. You have your boundaries intact. It takes time. It takes support. It takes your commitment to change.</p><p></p><p>It follows the stages of grief, like your connection with your boyfriend......... denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. It's not acceptance of their actions, it's acceptance of what is. We can't control it. We are powerless. We didn't create it and we can't fix it. At some point we begin to let go, and then we keep letting go, and as we let go, we start to get our lives back, we start to feel alive again, we feel joy and we start to find peace. It's all up to you. You have all the power, you just gave it to him, now you're ready to take it back.</p><p></p><p>You're obviously a very strong, courageous, smart woman whose gotten through life on your own, raising your kids and working. I admire you for that. Many of us are strong and capable and it takes us awhile to recognize that we can't work our will here, we can't barrel through making things happen with our power and strength, we can't control this. For us strong, capable women, letting go is a real challenge. We're forced to surrender to what is, to accept what we can't change and to find our own peace and serenity in spite of what our kids are up to. Quite the tall order.</p><p></p><p>However, we CAN learn to respond differently, we can learn to let go and detach and we can learn to put the focus on our own lives and begin to thrive instead of just surviving. I didn't think that was possible a mere 3 years ago and now I know it is, I am okay. My life has changed in amazing and wonderful ways as a result of my new found ability to LET GO. Because as you begin to let go of trying to change another, you let go of a lot more that you can't control and life actually becomes easier and better on many different levels.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. Stay the course. Follow your deeper yearnings for your own life now. It's time to stop parenting and it's time to focus on YOU. Figure out what you want. What makes YOU happy and what nourishes YOU. As you make those changes, the path with your son will get clearer. Be very kind to yourself. Very, very, very kind. You deserve that. We all do. You've accomplished a lot in your young life and now it's time to allow yourself to experience the rewards of your hard work and dedication. Learn to play. Laugh more. Do things just for the fun of it. </p><p></p><p>Stay close to the board as you walk this path...........there is a lot of guidance and love here..............we'll circle the wagons around you, you're not alone............we're all here............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 633741, member: 13542"] HLM, easy child is 'perfect child' for the non difficult child's we raise. Sweet mama, I related to every word in your post. It was long because it was your story and I appreciate that you took the time to share it all. It touched my heart because so many of the feelings you have/had are so similar to mine. Detaching is a process for all of us. It is not linear and it is all over the map. We love these kids, there are many emotions to untangle in the journey we are taking. It is very hard. My advice is always to seek out professional help, a therapist or a therapist run support group geared for this kind of thing. I placed myself in an almost 2 year long Codependency program within a huge HMO run Substance Abuse program, run by therapists well versed in recovery. It changed my life. I went to a weekly support group and had private therapy as well. I also attended CoDa 12 step groups, other groups, NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) groups and I read everything I could get my hands on. I expressed myself on this forum and received stellar support from others who were in similar situations. Over time it all changed. To attempt to answer your questions........here goes...........I don't think we "put them out" in the beginning, I think we have that as our intention if they cannot adhere to the boundaries and requirements we must have in order to live our own lives and feel good about ourselves. Which may be the first step for many of us, to figure out what it is we want, what we can live with, what we can't live with, what is non negotiable, what is ok and what is not ok. We have to get VERY VERY clear on what it is we require, what our boundaries are, what we are willing to do and what we are not because we have to cover all the loopholes so that our difficult child's cannot manipulate themselves back through the boundaries. That takes some time and usually some real support. Once you get the boundaries intact, you've been absolutely clear with your difficult child about what is expected and what you will not tolerate, I think it's then we begin the boundary of "by this date, if this isn't accomplished, you will have 30 days to leave." Then you stick to that date. You may need to get a court order, in some states, even if the person is your child, you need to go through the legal system and get an eviction going. It ends up being all about YOUR boundaries. They cannot be crossed. Period. If they are there are consequences. The police are called. Real life has consequences. This is real life. If he abuses calling you or texting you, then yes, you limit it. It is all about his behavior, the consequences are equal to his behavior. He is respectful, ok, he is not, hang up or end the text and don't pick up for a while.................consequence. Take the phone away? Well, for some of us, it's worth it to keep the phone so they can call. However, if he abuses it, keeps losing it, has no regard for it, or hassles you with it, then get rid of it. That is your call about how much you want to be in touch to know he is okay. We all differ on the phone thing. Remember, there is no right or wrong, only what YOU can live with. A therapist told me once that the way you can begin to see if you are enabling versus loving kindness is that with loving kindness you feel good, with enabling you don't, there is usually resentment and anger or frustration. I found that to be helpful as I learned how to disengage from my difficult child's behaviors and choices. I haven't called the police on my daughter, she managed to get into jail without my interference. Once you start changing and setting boundaries, usually our difficult child's begin a terrorist program of acting out, manipulation, high drama, threats, whatever has worked in the past will now be blown into the stratosphere to get you to go back to what you were doing before. This is a tough part for us because of course, they know every single button of ours to push to get a reaction. You will likely need support through it, it's challenging. Do not cave, hang in there through it, it will eventually subside when they realize you have indeed changed and their attempts are futile. Yes, they do sometimes resign themselves to your decision, eventually I think many of them do, but not all. My daughter actually responded quite well to each boundary I set. I was surprised, but as I changed and responded differently, so did she. Some of the difficult child's stay angry for a very long time though, go no contact to punish us and do whatever they can to remind you that their messed up lives are entirely YOUR fault............if you read through some of our stories, you will see that theme often. My belief is that there is an end to parenting..........if we go beyond that point, it becomes unhealthy for us and for our kids. When we have troubled kids, the end of parenting is a harder line to figure out, we continue because we believe they need us and they can't do it without us, but truthfully, most of our kids can make it without us, there are a few who require more care, but most of them need to face the reality of their choices and behavior and face those consequences in order to learn how to grow up. It may not be the way we would want them to grow up and face reality, but often, their choices will lead them to their own life lessons that we have nothing to do with. My belief is that my daughter has her own destiny path and I had to get out of the way and allow her to have it. Is it what I would want for her? NO. But it is not my life, it is her life. As the others have stated, call the police for any suicide threats. It a good idea to limit your time with your son. Make that clear. Engaging with him will bring on the crazy making. Refrain from responding. Practice that. Practice using one liners instead of getting emotionally involved. "I know you can figure it out." Practice silence, use few words. It's the engagement with the wild crazies that will make you nuts. Our difficult child's live in a different universe where their words are like sharp objects designed to cut out of us what they require............keep away from that as best you can. After awhile you get used to it. You have your boundaries intact. It takes time. It takes support. It takes your commitment to change. It follows the stages of grief, like your connection with your boyfriend......... denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. It's not acceptance of their actions, it's acceptance of what is. We can't control it. We are powerless. We didn't create it and we can't fix it. At some point we begin to let go, and then we keep letting go, and as we let go, we start to get our lives back, we start to feel alive again, we feel joy and we start to find peace. It's all up to you. You have all the power, you just gave it to him, now you're ready to take it back. You're obviously a very strong, courageous, smart woman whose gotten through life on your own, raising your kids and working. I admire you for that. Many of us are strong and capable and it takes us awhile to recognize that we can't work our will here, we can't barrel through making things happen with our power and strength, we can't control this. For us strong, capable women, letting go is a real challenge. We're forced to surrender to what is, to accept what we can't change and to find our own peace and serenity in spite of what our kids are up to. Quite the tall order. However, we CAN learn to respond differently, we can learn to let go and detach and we can learn to put the focus on our own lives and begin to thrive instead of just surviving. I didn't think that was possible a mere 3 years ago and now I know it is, I am okay. My life has changed in amazing and wonderful ways as a result of my new found ability to LET GO. Because as you begin to let go of trying to change another, you let go of a lot more that you can't control and life actually becomes easier and better on many different levels. Keep posting. Stay the course. Follow your deeper yearnings for your own life now. It's time to stop parenting and it's time to focus on YOU. Figure out what you want. What makes YOU happy and what nourishes YOU. As you make those changes, the path with your son will get clearer. Be very kind to yourself. Very, very, very kind. You deserve that. We all do. You've accomplished a lot in your young life and now it's time to allow yourself to experience the rewards of your hard work and dedication. Learn to play. Laugh more. Do things just for the fun of it. Stay close to the board as you walk this path...........there is a lot of guidance and love here..............we'll circle the wagons around you, you're not alone............we're all here............ [/QUOTE]
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