So, I don't know if this was right or not...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterby, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    ...but, I did it anyway.

    difficult child's father (T) stopped initiating contact with difficult child when she was 3. It was very sudden. He was getting her every other weekend, it was his weekend and he didn't show. And that was it. Between the ages of 3 and 5, difficult child called him 3 times asking him to see her. The last time she saw or talked to him, she was 5.

    In 2001 (I remember because it was the day before 9/11), he called and talked to me about wanting to see difficult child again. He was getting divorced (he got married, which is why he stopped seeing her - even though he had been living with the woman and her 3 kids prior). Anyway, I told him there was no chance that he and I would get back together and I never heard from him again. I left him messages at work and he never returned them.

    Since then, I have talked to him twice - both times at work and both times about insurance stuff. He never asked about difficult child. Although, this last time - a couple of weeks ago - I really laid into him. I had found him on facebook recently and found out he was remarried with another child, and was raising this woman's 15 year old daughter. I sent him a scathing message via fb that basically said, how can you live with yourself having abandoned your child while raising someone else's and you have no idea how much you have damaged her.

    In the last 6 months, difficult child has been thinking about her father a lot more than she used to. And every time, she cries. She always asks me the questions I don't have answers to. "Does he ever think about me?" "Why doesn't he want me?" That kind of thing. Last night, we were talking and the conversation flowed from one thing to the next and something in it reminded her of her dad and she asked if he ever thought about her. I had asked him that same question a couple of weeks ago (she doesn't know about any of that stuff) and he said he did - don't know if I believe him - so I told her that he does. She asked how I know and I told her that it would be impossible for him not to. She became very upset and cried. I was taking her back to E's and she sat in the car crying for about 20 minutes after we got there.

    She asked why he never tries to contact her and I told her that he doesn't have our phone number because it's not listed. She said that if he really wanted to he could find a way - which is true. And I told her that if he did get in touch with her and she asked him the "why" questions, it would be a bunch of CYA. And then I asked her if she could be ok with that, knowing that's how it would be, if she wanted to have a relationship with him. She said she thought so.

    So right, wrong, or otherwise, I sent T an email via fb last night. I included a picture of her. He doesn't even know what she looks like. And I said:

    Today, difficult child cried again about you. She wonders if you even think about her. I've included a picture for you.

    She is very intelligent, open minded, independent, and stubborn. She is also a vegetarian and an amazing writer. She reads and writes at a high college level. I wouldn't be surprised if she is published one day.

    I hope you can be man enough to put yourself aside and give your daughter what she needs from you. Her cell is XXX-XXX-XXXX.

    She doesn't know I'm sending this. She doesn't even know that you're on facebook.

    My guess is that nothing will come of it. I just hope that if something does, it doesn't bring more pain to difficult child. She's had enough. But, I can't watch her suffer anymore without doing something.
  2. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Oh, I had tears reading your post. My heart goes out to both you and difficult child. How painful this must be. I can see how you had to do something. Let us know if anything comes of it. Hugs to you,
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I go back and forth with thoughts like this regarding difficult child and his father. Our situations are different and it might be different for a boy than a girl, but I do think the difficult child's view the fatherhood issue differently as they become teens. I hope this works out for her and she can get some resolution for herself, one way or another. I had to file for CS but hope it might also lead to some resolution for my son regarding his father being absent.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I always wondered if it would have been easier for Miss KT to have had no contact with her father than the crumbs he's given her. I don't know. I think it's lousy either way, for both your difficult child and Miss KT. What's wrong with these men?
  5. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I can't even imagine how she must feel, or the damage he's done to her. I hope something positive comes of your fb contact. How do these men sleep at night?
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    He sounds like little more than a sperm donor. She needs to know the truth - that over the years you have talked to him but his interests have been elsewhere. Not that he doesn't love her, but he's a narcissist and always loves himself more than he is capable of loving anyone else. The lack is in him, not in her. After all, his track record in relationships in general is poor - he doesn't initiate contact, as a rule. Not unless there is the chance of something in it for him.

    Only when she can accept that she is lovable and he has never known her well enough to understand this, will she realise she's pining for something he can never give her, because he just doesn't have it in him.

    He is not worthy of all these tears.

  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs for you and difficult child, Heather. I can't even begin to imagine... This is the kind of man (and I use that word loosely) that gives other, caring dads a bad name (aka "deadbeat").

    I honestly hope she can talk to him - because perhaps she can see that it is NOT her. It's him.

    More hugs...