So I have not told difficult child yet.........

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Steely, Mar 20, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    that I am moving to AZ. I talked to his counselor today in his group home and he thinks Matt will be pretty upset, but this will be a great "growth opp".
    (I love how counselors word things. In reality that meant - you are gonna need to take a valium mom.)

    I am supposed to tell Matt via a phone conference on Tues - with his counselor present. I know I am not responsible for Matt's emotions or his reactions - and yet - I do not want him to end up back in phosph or jail for a violent outburst because he is overwhelmed by this. It is such a catch 22 for me. I can barely deal with my own issues, let alone his. OK, yes, in a way, this is selfish. I just want to move, and not deal with his cr@p!:faint: I do not want to start a new job when I am obsessively worried about difficult child. I just DON'T. Grrrrr.............(OK, yes, I know it is my choice on whether to worry. I get it. But you know what I mean.)

    Certainly there has to be a way in which I can break this news to Matt without him just losing it. He is so co-dependent on me, and I know that is my fault. He freaks out if I don't answer the phone, let alone me moving.

    I will do this, but I am just wondering if you guys have any sage advice on how to handle all of this? I am just feeling so overwhelmed with all of my own personal moving issues - I cannot imagine having to deal with difficult child's drama on top of this.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wish I had some advice for you. Would it be better if you moved and then told him? At least you'd be somewhat settled. Or would he be more upset that you hadn't told him first?

    It's a tough call either way. Sending hugs and strength.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I would make sure I had some medications for ME before I told him anything. That way if he flipped out I could do what I needed to in order to care for myself. because ME flipping out is not useful for any of us.

    then I would let him know that he is loved no matter where I am living, that I am NOT getting rid of his stuff (I would keep ALL of it that you have - my husband ended up with almost NO childhood stuff or even college stuff because his mom remarried and let her new husband sell all of his prize possessions - huge baseball card collection, train sets, etc... ALL sold with-o his knowledge or him having a chance to get them. He was in a dorm and had left home thinking he always had a home there - as they told him. Mom wouldn't let Dad have the stuff to save for him, and wouldn't let him come and get them either. It is STILL a rift between husband and his mom. So keep Matt's stuff as best you can.)

    Let him know he and the stuff he treasures but can't have at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will be safe with you and that your home is still the "family" home where holidays are held, etc...

    Then let him take responsibility for his reaction and emotions. HOpefully he will be proud of you for this new opportunity and glad you can get away from this abusive company.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I ditto Susie.

    Make sure to keep as much of his stuff as possible. It can be thinned out at a later date with him there to decide what goes. Something you may believe he has outgrown or couldn't possibly want anymore may turn out to be something very important to him. Example: Travis has a xmas bear from Elder Bearman's from when he was just a baby. Now this thing has been loved to death by him. And I know I've attempted to toss it out repeatedly. Yet somehow it keeps popping up in his room. lol So I finally gave up and just washed the darned thing as best I could.:tongue:

    He will be upset for sure. But honestly, kids adjust to such things much faster than adults. Might take him longer because he's not with you, but he ought to work thru it ok.

    You're shrugging off the pain of the past and moving toward a new beginning for the both of you. It gives you both the opportunity for those old painful memories associated with the house to fade and eventually heal becasue they won't be "in your face" anymore.

    Glad he'll have support while you tell him.

  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Yep, I agree with the above. Keep his stuff. Reassure him that he has "his room" at your new place waiting for him. And that you two are in this together.

    When I was a kid my Dad was in the military and the last two times we moved (I was in high school) I grieved terribly. Recognize that he will grieve, too, and let him talk about what he will miss at the old place.

    With the first terrible move, Mom and Dad let me go back to my old home for a visit for a week with my best friend. It gave me something to look forward to and once I got back there I realized that I could love BOTH places and have friends in both places. It was a revelation. In this high tech day and age it makes it even easier to maintain friendships than in the 60's when writing letters was really the only way because phone calls across country were way too expensive.

    The main thing is to listen to his feelings and maintain a positive attitude. Don't let any kind of guilty feeling sneak in and usurp your determination to make this next move a terrific one.

  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, I agree guys. I will hold onto all of his stuff for sure. Truthfully he has more crud than I do.......but I will box it all up and put it in storage at the new place.

    I am not sure about telling him he has a new room at the new home - because he needs to get the idea that he cannot come back home and live with mom. It is time for us to both move on. I think that is the concept he will have the hardest time with. He will now clearly see we both have to move on. It will now be in black and white for him - which is usually the only way he sees things anyway - but this will be an eye opener for him.

    I think I will take pics of the new place, and let him know I got him a bike, and take pics of his stuff, and the dogs, etc. - and let him know this will always be a place he can come for holidays to visit - but I need to make it clear that this is my life now, and he has to create his own.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Steely, can you talk to his therapist before you talk to your son? Maybe the two of you can frame this for him in, maybe the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) has a "step down" program which will help him with independent living skills before he leaves the program entirely. When Rob left his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he went to a group home for a year as his step-down. Perhaps there is something like this available for your son?

  8. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    I'm with Suz I would talk to his therapist before hand - you don't want to be telling him you are going to move and plans are you aren't moving in when you get out especially if he has any anxiety about changes - I think baby steps on information might be the way to go..