So much for a happy new year. This is no way to start.

[toughlovin]

you definitely should be easy on yourself. Do what works for you. Do what makes you feel better. They find ways to survive...but the pull at our heartstrings is hard. So do what gives you the most peace of mind.

 

[Copabanana]

If he wanted to come home

Lil. Unless he is invested in the outcome, coming home will only be a pit stop. All of the stress and strain of having him home without motivation to make it work. I will speak for me here: coming home might be regressive if he does not want to come home. If he feels and defines it as a loss.

My son told me yesterday: The only reason I came back here is because I had nowhere else to go.

I challenged him on it: You have multiple counties that offered to help you get subsidized housing. You could have stayed in the Big City if you were willing to pay $500 a month for rent, which you are capable of doing, if the weed was not your single priority. You could have worked. You are entitled to have a certain amount of earnings each month. You have proven yourself capable of working. Each of these are choices. You chose to come back here.

So he is defining being here with us, as a loss. As forced, by circumstance. He seems to be minimizing the responsibilities to him (as usual) based upon what HE CHOSE. He chooses not to choose. In that way, we have to.

I am sick of it too.

And the inconvenience, forfeiting control over our space; his imposition of his rules (however much improved, he is still doing it--he keeps turning the heat off, and I wonder why I am freezing; leaving the garage doors open (with all of our stuff and M's tools, etc.).

So maybe the gift card is the way to go. He can get a backpack, blankets, etc. there and even cigarettes and food.

This is valid, to me. And I agree with TL. Do what will ease your preoccupation the quickest and most.

 

[Mamacat]

Oh my Lil. So sorry! I remember sending money to my daughter to keep her she was and away from my house. It's just ridiculous sometimes. These are our children. We love them. What the heck are we supposed to do? I feel your agony. Now I'm beginning to see that my daughter getting mad at me and not speaking to me is a blessing. I've had 3 months of no drama. I don't want it anymore. I'll know she's changing when checks start showing up in my mailbox paying me the money she owes for my car I sold her to promises that she's getting a job. Her reason for not working is the abusive relationship she was in. Well, she's still in it. I haven't sent money for 3 months. She's surviving somehow. Sending you hugs and peaceful thoughts.

 

[Lil]

Lil. Unless he is invested in the outcome, coming home will only be a pit stop.

I thought that was what I said. IF he wanted to come home...we were prepared for that, even though we don't really want him home. However, he does NOT want to come home...but will if that's his only choice. He literally said he would rather be almost anywhere in the world than our town, where he has ONLY us and no other reason to ever be here. He hates our hometown...where he literally has lived since 4 months old...but he hates it here.

A few quotes from his texts:
would like to cry myself to sleep every night and be back home with you guys and my cat for company.

I just want to have one good afternoon before I start hating myself for calling it quits and giving up yet another time.

I give up for now and may consider coming back here in a few months when I make some money and have a better plan (yeah...this is the smartest thing he could do...but...see below)

I really don't want to go back, I've spent a fair bit of time here and don't want to leave and have it be for nothing yet.

So he doesn't want to come and really...it's best he doesn't. He would consider it a loss and a failure.

 

[Copabanana]

I thought that was what I said.

You did. I was channeling you Lil.

 

[Mamacat]

I go to a CODA group at a recovery center and the leader lady there once said that sometimes we send money to take care of us. I know that sounds weird, but if sending 50 bucks gives you a relief from all you're going through, it's money well spent. That kinda surprised me, but she saw it as a way of taking care of me. When I sold my daughter my car, I did it because it is hot where she lived and I couldn't stand the thought of my grandbabies walking in the hot summer. But I was told to have no expectations. I'm giving it to her. I was oh no, she's buying it. We'll, she was right. I did give it to her. She's paid $200 in 9 months.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Worse. Because he's already been told it would be different. Drug tests. Random searches. Virtually all of his paychecks turned over to us. No car usage. His purpose here would be to have room and board while earning $ to get back out.

Why would he want to come back? Especially since he has no friends here anymore?



Now THAT's an idea! Granted, there's still nothing to keep him from buying stuff and returning it for cash...but at least we limit the spending of the initial amount to what can be bought at Walmart. He has a smartphone and so email. This isn't a bad thought at all.

Just FYI- they also can sell gift cards on the street for cash.

 

[Tanya M]

After discussion, Jabber and I send son $50 and tell him, "This is for you to be able to buy some food, bus passes, etc. Get to social services. Get to the homeless assistance agencies. You have been there 3 months and not done this. Don't spend your money on nonsense.

It was very generous of you to send him the $50. I agree with you and Jabber telling him not to spend it on nonsense.

On NYE he took his eyes off his backpack for "just a couple minutes" and the pack and all his goods were stolen.

You may never know the truth of whether or not it was stolen. My son has told me so many different times that this or that was stolen. I never knew if I could believe him or not. Each time I would tell my son that you have to be extra diligent to guard what you have since what you have is so little. He would always have some kind of excuse as to "why" he stuff got stolen. What always irked me was that he would never take responsibility for not keeping track of his stuff.
When our difficult children make the choice to live a life where they are surrounded by people who are literally waiting for the opportunity to take advantage of them, it is no surprise that we get phone calls saying "my stuff" was stolen.

He has spent most of his $50 (apparently on weed and tobacco mainly) and gave most away...trying to start the new year off building karma, apparently, and doing nice things for people, like carrying heavy things for people with canes, letting people bum smokes, etc.

This right here would make me not want to send him another penny. I will give him credit for being honest with you and telling you what he spent it on.

Lil, I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I know right where you are with this. It's gut wrenching. As you know you can only do what you can live with. I wish there was a number of times that you give money and or stuff, and get burned that you say "that's it". I said "that's it" so many times and then would give in.
What I do know is the more we give in the more we send them a message that we will continue to give.

My final straw was buying our son a $4000 dollar used SUV as we were concerned about our granddaughter & grandson needing to get to Dr.'s appointments, etc.... The deal was we would knock $1000 off so all our son had to pay was $3000. His payment was to be $100 a month. I never saw a dime. I knew going in that I may never see the money and I was okay with that. My son left my daughter in law and kids taking the car. He conned a man to let him move into an apt. When the man was going to throw him out due to not paying rent, my son gave the landlord the SUV. Yup, that was it for me.

My heart goes out to you Lil, I know how hard this is.

((HUGS))

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Oh Copa...I always know what everyone else should do...my own options, not so much.

I'm not prepared to just do nothing. The fact is, doing nothing in this circumstance will mean cutting him off. Zero contact and blocking him. He won't just take no for an answer and it would simply kill me to basically give up on him at this point. I can't do it.

I don't really want him to come home, but it would be easier if that was what he wanted. If he wanted to come home we knew what to do about it all. We had a plan.

Helping him "re-gear" is not something I've considered.

Buying stuff at walmart.com has it's own problems as I outlined earlier.
Giving him cash is uncomfortable at best.
A walmart gift card? Well, I hear him saying, "Well, what if I want something from Dollar General? It's cheaper there?" To which the answer is, of course, "Too freaking bad."

So maybe the gift card is the way to go. He can get a backpack, blankets, etc. there and even cigarettes and food. But not weed...which is why we don't want to give him cash. He could get liquor...but he's not much of a liquor person.

I just don't know.

When my son got gift cards from the churches, he sold them on the street and got the cash. Just FYI

I'm sorry you are going through this- for us all, it's like a revolving door. Few days or weeks of peace, hoping they are making progress, then we get the call or text. Uggghh. Buying them survival items clothes, socks, sleeping bag, yes, he could return it all for cash. But that is his choice. Every day they make choices.

If it were me, I'd let him stay and work it out. I would order online with Walmart have him pick up things there. He really needs to stay there and solve his life on his own. Coming home rescues him of the choices he made.

If he comes home, I am afraid it will be wash, rinse, recycle. Would it be easier? You said he hates it in your town. What is the plan if you let him come home? How much stress would it be on you and Jabber to enforce the plan. He would be in your home with new set of issues and problems. What if he wants to leave again? I like the idea of signing up for military. I would purchase survival items, let him pick up at Walmart. What he does with them from there out, not your problem. These kids get food, gift cards from many places. Hec, there are even places that will purchase a one way bus ticket home for you(churches, charity organizations, etc).

My son knew the days churches gave out gift cards and he bragged how he sold 100.00 worth in one day and got the cash.

 

[Lil]

Well...we hadn't read any further before deciding to send him the gift cards. We did. His not wanting us to buy the stuff online made sense. Our not wanting to give him cash made sense. This was the best we could think of and so sent the cost of the ticket in walmart cards. Maybe he'll sell them. Maybe he's been lying the whole time. Maybe not. From his texts...I'm pretty sure he was stolen ftom. There's no way to be 100% sure of anything...not with him 1000 miles away.

He has contacted us and said he has gone to Walmart and replaced his gear for the most part. He said he has quite a bit left on the cards. I told him I don't want to hear anything from him that isn't good news for at least two months.

I swear by all that's holy...I'm done, for at least a couple months. His birthday is in April...

We didn't want him back. He didn't want to come. All things considered if it buys us peace? Worthwhile.

 

[Tanya M]

All things considered if it buys us peace? Worthwhile.

There is truth here.

 

[Albatross]

Lil, I just saw this thread and see you made your decision.

Maybe he had his stuff stolen, maybe he's playing you, maybe, maybe, maybe...it doesn't matter one bit if you and Jabber are at peace with your decision.

He's safe, he's warm, he's not on his way back to you and Jabber, so the gift cards are a small price to pay, in my opinion. Hopefully that will do him for awhile. Sorry you are going through this.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Well...we hadn't read any further before deciding to send him the gift cards. We did. His not wanting us to buy the stuff online made sense. Our not wanting to give him cash made sense. This was the best we could think of and so sent the cost of the ticket in walmart cards. Maybe he'll sell them. Maybe he's been lying the whole time. Maybe not. From his texts...I'm pretty sure he was stolen ftom. There's no way to be 100% sure of anything...not with him 1000 miles away.

He has contacted us and said he has gone to Walmart and replaced his gear for the most part. He said he has quite a bit left on the cards. I told him I don't want to hear anything from him that isn't good news for at least two months.

I swear by all that's holy...I'm done, for at least a couple months. His birthday is in April...

We didn't want him back. He didn't want to come. All things considered if it buys us peace? Worthwhile.

Yep, hard to know what really happened. That is what really wears us down. We try to rationalize, think it through if I do x, then he might do z. It will drive you sick with all the possibilities of what will happen with money, gift cards, tickets home. YOU did right. Sent him cards to replace his gear. Proud you told him you don't want to hear any bad news for 2 months. Praying you get some peace and quiet and worry free sleep.

I bought son a ticket home few months ago. 120.00. The bus broke down about 40 miles down the road from where he left. I didn't believe him. So I checked the website, it showed gps, yep bus broke down. I called bus station, yep bus broke down Son told me it was a sign from God because a Pastor was on the bus preaching.

So then he needed cab money to get back to where he left. All we can do is what think is best- after that, it's their ball and they need to roll with it.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Lil, I just saw this thread and see you made your decision.

Maybe he had his stuff stolen, maybe he's playing you, maybe, maybe, maybe...it doesn't matter one bit if you and Jabber are at peace with your decision.

He's safe, he's warm, he's not on his way back to you and Jabber, so the gift cards are a small price to pay, in my opinion. Hopefully that will do him for awhile. Sorry you are going through this.

I so agree. He is safe and warm and small price to pay and he is trying to find his way on this path he has chosen.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil and Jabber, I'm so sorry that this is how your New Year began.

It's so exhausting. Reading this thread took me back to my own story with Difficult Child. All of the endless details I always tried to sort through and figure out and what was best? There never was a good answer.

All you can do is what you can live with. I know that's different for you and then for Jabber, like it was for me, and for Difficult Child's dad (we didn't live in the same house, we were divorced during all of the awful years with Difficult Child) and all you can do is what works for you.

then, let go of the outcome. Whatever happens, you did the best you could do. If he did or didn't get his stuff stolen, if he did or didn't spend the gift cards on what he needed, just let it all go. It doesn't matter, and it takes endless energy that is precious to worry over it all. It is what it is. It is what it is going to be and worrying isn't going to change one single thing.

You acted, you did the best you could do, and you set a boundary with him about what's next. Go back to your life now. There is a whole big New Year in front of us all, and it's going to be whatever we make of it.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

 

[Lil]

If he did or didn't get his stuff stolen, if he did or didn't spend the gift cards on what he needed, just let it all go. It doesn't matter, and it takes endless energy that is precious to worry over it all.

It is exhausting.

I KNOW that our problems with our son are in many ways minor compared with what some of you are going thru or have gone thru. Our son doesn't threaten our lives, call us names, behave violently (against anything living at least), he isn't on heroin or attempting suicide or in prison. But when these things happen - it's such a drain. I truly don't know how you others do it. I spent 10 1/2 hours at the office yesterday and did 1 hours worth of work. I was so distracted and stressed I accomplished nothing. He just...makes me so tired. He goes on and on about how awful things are and says he wants to hurt himself (bang his head into the wall and knock his brains out, that sort of thing), he threatens to commit a crime to get off the street or do something illegal for money. He goes on about how he hates himself and what a terrible person he is and I KNOW IT'S MANIPULATION. Knowing doesn't keep it from working. If that makes me weak then I guess I'm weak where he's concerned.

So ... we threw money at him to make it go away.

Wrong thing to do? Maybe. But I slept like a log last night; better than I have in days.

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Lil & Jabber. I'm so sorry your year started so difficultly. It's just wrong.

And I truly don't want him home.

The crux of it for so many of us. In December (and in truth many times for the last several years), when my son is once again facing eviction, I have anguished. I have filled my days, thoughts and mind with the "what ever will he do thoughts". Trying to sort out rationally an irrational situation is futile. I was surprised one morning when I realized I had choices. It was suddenly a great relief to me to think "so what? if he is evicted I could buy him shelter for whatever period of time I felt necessary" That was relief just to think through. Somehow it was an answer to my worry. Would I have done it? Will I have to do it? Who knows? But just to think if this-then this helped me.

At least it may buy you some time to figure out your next step.

It bought me peace to just know I could do something. You have been so much more than generous with him.

Truthfully, if $100 would get him to QUIT CALLING for two months, it would be a small price to pay.

Many of us would sign on that two year plan!

That this be on your plate is the fundamental unfairness. I am sorry.

Go back to your life now. There is a whole big New Year in front of us all, and it's going to be whatever we make of it.

These both so true. Go on into this year with less fear, whatever happens will happen and you can handle it whichever way gives you peace. PS. I liked your laundry list of what you had given him-it's good to know this, it keeps us honest about the past. But it is the past. Learn from whatever you can and let go of the rest, THERE ARE BRIGHTER DAYS AHEAD. Prayers.

 

[Lil]

Wouldn't it be amazing if our kids could be like other kids? If we could just get pleasant, "How you doin?" phone calls and "Hey, I got a job!" or "I met a new girl/boy and they're taking me to see meet their mom."

I love my son. I would love to hear these things from him. I would love to get a call every week if they were like that. We actually DID have a few nice calls...mostly nice calls...until the last month or so. He sent me pictures of deer that wandered right up to him. He sent me messages that were just kind of pleasant.

But interspaced are the dire warnings of his impending doom. It's really, really tiring.

 

[RN0441]

Fire put out for now! Yay.

Can't wait til spring. Then those of you with kids in cold places can relax a bit perhaps?

Mine's in Florida. We did that for a reason!! At least we know he cannot freeze.

 

[Lil]

Mine's in Florida. We did that for a reason!! At least we know he cannot freeze

LOL...Right after the elections, I told my son he should move to Nevada after the 1st of the year since they legalized pot there too. Lots of homeless people in Vegas.