So Much for Getting Help...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Jul 24, 2010.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    husband has backed out.

    He decided that he does not want difficult child hospitalized, and that things really are OK because, after all, she hasn't actually done anything yet...she's just talking about it.

    And there was no talking to him either. He was upset and angry and in true guy fashion, he basically announced that he just doesn't want to hear about it any more. As though if he yells loud enough, the trouble will just magically stop.

    So, we are supposed to go met the doctor for our appointment today, and I am supposed to tell her that we, the family, talked it all out and difficult child has promised to try really hard and everything is fine now.

    I am so beyond upset - I just don't have any emotions left.

    I just feel numb.

    I guess that means everything is "fine" now.
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator


    Do the right thing for your family and difficult child. husband was ready to trigger her for an admission yesterday and now everything is fine? I think he either feels guilty about "sending difficult child away" or she she said something to convince him that she's not a danger. You believe (and know) differently.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Absolutely do the "right" thing and be honest and direct with the doctor. Trying to protect difficult child from hospitalization sends the wrong message to her and keeps you unsafe. I know it is hard to take a stand against your husband but in this case I think you need to tell your truth, and let him tell his. Please let us know how it goes.
  4. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member


    the whole situation is heartbreaking and i'm at a loss for words.

    but ITA, this is the time for you to find it in yourself to stand your ground, regardless of what your husband has to say about it. i'm sorry he's not on board, but she needs immediate help.
    i'm honestly confused over why you werent told to just take her to the nearest point of entry ER. it seems to me this issue has been ongoing, so i'm not sure what the therapist, your husband, or anyone thinks will be changed by more therapy.

    clearly, your difficult child is in need of medical management asap.

    its time.
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    Like many of us with husband's that don't get that making no decision IS making a decision, you're going to have to be the one who gets things done. We're behind you and know you can do this.
  6. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Then if you can't get anywhere with him through the doctor/hospital channels, in true mom fashion you need to let him know you will be protecting your family at all costs, and that he can stay with difficult child, do his yelling, and wait for the trouble to magically stop. Keep looking for domestic violence support and get out of there with easy child.

    Stay safe.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Daisy. Sending strength and understanding hugs. Please do whatever you need to do to keep you and easy child safe.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Well, here's what happened...

    After I posted this morning, I went about my day, but husband knew something was really bothering me (yea, ya think????). So I sat him down and I told him that the reason he wants difficult child to stay out of the hospital is for HIM, not for her. HE is the one who wants her to get a second chance...she does not care about a chance to do better on her own. HE is the one who wants her to comply with medications and other treatment....not difficult child. So keeping difficult child out of the hospital is in the best interest (emotionally speaking) of husband...and not of difficult child.

    He admitted that this was true. He also admits that it is easier to pretend everything is fine than to acknowledge the reality...because the reality is so darn bizarre. BUT--he still wants to "give difficult child a chance"....and I could not persuade him any further...

    So we went to see the doctor, and I told the doctor that I needed to speak with her alone. husband asked to be included and I told him I didn't have anything to say that he didn't already know--but if he stayed, he needed to let me talk and say what I needed to say...

    So I got it all out. difficult child's freaky behaviors. husband being in denial. The level of anger, stress and anxiety that is building in our house. The fact that I cannot live like this any more and the fact that this is NOT OK for any of us, but especially for DS, who should not have to grow up this way.

    At the moment, the doctor feels that difficult child's writings are (as Marg insightly suggested in my other thread) a kind of "outlet" for her aggressions. So right now, she is writing and fantasizing--but not about to actually act on these ideations until something happens.

    but the doctor agreed that difficult child (and the family) would benefit from Residential Treatment Center (RTC), or day treatment center.

    The bad news? All the places that doctor would have recommended as a good fit for difficult child have CLOSED due to budget cuts. So that leaves treatment that is not a good "fit"--but is better than nothing.

    She recommended we try Residential Treatment Center (RTC) A....which already rejected difficult child....and she recommended we try Residential Treatment Center (RTC) B....which ALSO already rejected difficult child. Why did these places reject her? Because Residential Treatment Center (RTC) A is a minimal security "boarding school" type of setting that is really not equipped to handle difficult child's level of needs....and Residential Treatment Center (RTC) B is a "maximum security" type of institution that is for far worse cases than difficult child.

    doctor also advised that we could possibly get difficult child admitted to a psychiatric hospital--but since she can put on such a convincing "angel act" and has not actually acted to harm anyone, it would be unlikely that the psychiatric hospital would hold her for very long....regardless of doctor's recommendation because the psychiatric hospital is for "crisis" situations only, and difficult child's actions are only a "threat", not a "crisis".

    doctor feels that the attempt to admit difficult child to psychiatric hospital (and then only staying for a very short period of time) will not do anything to stabilize difficult child and may well be the "catalyst" that finally pushes her over the edge. IOW--we would get a very short repsite and then bring home a child that is out for revenge.

    So, doctor offered difficult child a "job". difficult child is going to be a "camp counselor" at a week long therapy program that starts in about ten days. doctor is going to try and study difficult child during this program and see if she can determine whether difficult child is, in fact, hallucinating or hearing voices in regards to some of the things she has been saying - or whether difficult child is just saying and writing all this stuff just to freak us out. difficult child does not know she is going to be part of the just told her she would get to be part of this fun camp where she will help out with some of the other kids who have issues.

    And doctor told her that because this was an important job, difficult child needed to be sure that she was bahaving herself at home and keeping her anger under control, because if anything happened, difficult child would not be eligible for this "job".

    And maybe DS should get away for a few days as a respite for him.

    So I am kind of in the same place as before. Yes, we need help - no, there is no help available - so we have to just keep doing what we're doing.

    This stinks. It really, really does...
  9. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Typed while daisy was posting recent message, mde my response sort of pointless. : )

    Glad you are getting help!
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2010
  10. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Hi Daisy,

    I want you to know you are not alone as a mom in having to make the tough decisions. I bet 98% of the moms make the tough decisions. This happened with us regarding when to call 911 when the violence got to be too much. Moms are also the ones who do all the research, reading etc. I think it's great you explained to your husband that he's actually protecting himself. My own husband and I have had a few rounds about how it's his job to protect the entire family, not just what he wants for gfg17.

    Regarding the second Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (max security) -- is that definitely not an option? We had heard a lot of horror stories about where difficult child is now, but then I got the "heads up" from several moms in the trenches who said it's a great place and their kids never got better until they went there. We like it a lot.

    Just a few thoughts.
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    We applied there a few months back...and they rejected us. So I am more than willing to send her - they are not willing to take her.
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Geez...I guess this is better than nothing. I don't agree though that a psychiatric hospital won't take a difficult child when there have only been threats. If they thinnk they are viable, they will take them, but it is true that they won't hold them there long. Getting real help was hard enough a couple of years ago, as you are finding, it's almost impossible now. ((HUGS))
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    DF - HUGS!!!! And lots of them. I know the psychiatric hospital wouldn't keep Onyxx when they thought she was no threat - to HERSELF.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    DF, under the circumstances, this does seem the best option. At least something is being done, some ground rules have been set, plus this therapist (who does seem good, she sounds like a keeper) has set in place an opportunity to really watch difficult child closely. After the week of "work", therapist should know which way to jump with difficult child. Either she is a bigger danger tan everyone (but you) thinks, or you will be able to feel safer.

    I'm betting the former. The thing is, if you are right, then therapist needs to be able to see more so she can back you up and also get through to husband. This should do it.

    This therapist sounds like someone who can think outside the square.

    Also, this way difficult child shouldn't have any reason to be angry and out for revenge, as she would with a short term (and probably futile) hospitalisation.

  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just adding in supportive hugs-I'm so sorry things are so difficult.