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So now driving has opened up a new set of difficult child adventures
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 637231" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I'm starting to see that there are parents as well as adult kids who can not move from the status quo and be different people. We can only give advice, and it's solid advice, but, like you can not make your son stop using heroin or the the younger stop, stop drinking or doing whatever else he does, we can not make you stop being not just a doormat, but an enabler who will allow non-sober kids to drive on the streets, endangering others. Yes, that is on you and your husband if you allow these boys/adults to drive your car, knowing they both have substance abuse problems. You and husband can easily cut off the car availability for good. And in my opinion should. You share the blame for anyone hurt in an accident by either one of them because you are not blind to how they are. You know. That is why our daughter stopped having any/all access to our vehicles. We did not want anyone hurt nor an injury or death on our conscience. Nobody was going to die...not in OUR vehicles. Not going to happen. Sure, she screamed and threw a fit, but nobody got hurt in our cars.</p><p></p><p>When we enable, it is for us, not for our adult children. It makes us feel better, like we put a band-aid on the problem, even though it is actually quite risky.</p><p></p><p>While we are a supportive group, we can "talk" till we are blue in the face. I can't think of one reason why you would want to keep your life as it is. It is not helping either of your sons, your son's wife or his children, to see this type of dysfunction and all of them overly dependent on you. But everyone is different.</p><p></p><p>It would not be so bad if your son was 18 and lived at home (as long as he was banned from your car), but he is 27 and a heroin addict and has now lived in your house for a year...this time. And you said you pay for his car, his insurance, his gas, what else? Why on earth does he ever need to change? He has it made? Did you watch either of the Dr. Phil videos I posted? If not, I suggest watching at least one. You may see yourself in it. And these grown children are not even drug addicts!</p><p></p><p>Yes, I am trying to give you one last kick in the butt. Your son will be middle age soon. Yes, he's closing in on thirty. My thirty year old daughter has a SO, a house, a baby, paid her own schooling, and had a good job until her baby was born and SO and she decided she'd be a stay-at-home mom. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the house, is independent.She started out as a teenage drug addict. We decided not to make that a comfortable status for her. There was no hesitation about making her leave once we knew for sure. And she made it. Not saying your son would, but until YOU change YOUR behavior toward both of your young men (I see the 17 year old as another one who is disdainful of societal norms and rules), you will live in chaos and your young men will be helpless once you and your husband are no longer there to care for them. Not to mention your life will be ruined and you will not spend the time with your PCs t hat you may have had you not decided to take on difficult children entire family.</p><p></p><p>There are therapists out there and 12 Step Groups which don't charge. You can take those first steps to helping both yourself and your grown children or you can stay the same. None of us can help you. But I'm sure we all hope you choose to let go of the idea that you are helping your sons by being this doormat. You are actually harming them.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and good luck. I'll see how your story progresses, but, if no change occurs by you and hub, there isn't much else to add. Wishing you all the best!!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Peace!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 637231, member: 1550"] I'm starting to see that there are parents as well as adult kids who can not move from the status quo and be different people. We can only give advice, and it's solid advice, but, like you can not make your son stop using heroin or the the younger stop, stop drinking or doing whatever else he does, we can not make you stop being not just a doormat, but an enabler who will allow non-sober kids to drive on the streets, endangering others. Yes, that is on you and your husband if you allow these boys/adults to drive your car, knowing they both have substance abuse problems. You and husband can easily cut off the car availability for good. And in my opinion should. You share the blame for anyone hurt in an accident by either one of them because you are not blind to how they are. You know. That is why our daughter stopped having any/all access to our vehicles. We did not want anyone hurt nor an injury or death on our conscience. Nobody was going to die...not in OUR vehicles. Not going to happen. Sure, she screamed and threw a fit, but nobody got hurt in our cars. When we enable, it is for us, not for our adult children. It makes us feel better, like we put a band-aid on the problem, even though it is actually quite risky. While we are a supportive group, we can "talk" till we are blue in the face. I can't think of one reason why you would want to keep your life as it is. It is not helping either of your sons, your son's wife or his children, to see this type of dysfunction and all of them overly dependent on you. But everyone is different. It would not be so bad if your son was 18 and lived at home (as long as he was banned from your car), but he is 27 and a heroin addict and has now lived in your house for a year...this time. And you said you pay for his car, his insurance, his gas, what else? Why on earth does he ever need to change? He has it made? Did you watch either of the Dr. Phil videos I posted? If not, I suggest watching at least one. You may see yourself in it. And these grown children are not even drug addicts! Yes, I am trying to give you one last kick in the butt. Your son will be middle age soon. Yes, he's closing in on thirty. My thirty year old daughter has a SO, a house, a baby, paid her own schooling, and had a good job until her baby was born and SO and she decided she'd be a stay-at-home mom. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the house, is independent.She started out as a teenage drug addict. We decided not to make that a comfortable status for her. There was no hesitation about making her leave once we knew for sure. And she made it. Not saying your son would, but until YOU change YOUR behavior toward both of your young men (I see the 17 year old as another one who is disdainful of societal norms and rules), you will live in chaos and your young men will be helpless once you and your husband are no longer there to care for them. Not to mention your life will be ruined and you will not spend the time with your PCs t hat you may have had you not decided to take on difficult children entire family. There are therapists out there and 12 Step Groups which don't charge. You can take those first steps to helping both yourself and your grown children or you can stay the same. None of us can help you. But I'm sure we all hope you choose to let go of the idea that you are helping your sons by being this doormat. You are actually harming them. Hugs and good luck. I'll see how your story progresses, but, if no change occurs by you and hub, there isn't much else to add. Wishing you all the best!!! :) Peace! [/QUOTE]
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