So now the truth comes out ... ex-girlfriend is pregnant!

[TerryJ2]

I'm in shock. Sort of.
difficult child is 18. Ex-girlfriend is 16. Scary stuff.
They're both juniors in HS.I dreaded this ever since he met her.
I even gave him condoms. I constantly interrupted them when they were in our living room, watching TV under a blanket ("hey, it's 90 degrees outside. Get rid of the blanket!" I'd flip on all the lights, yank off the blankets, then vacuum around their feet. Obviously, I didn't vacuum enough.
I was waaaay too late. According to him, they started within 4 months of their relationship. So they'd been intimate for two years with no protection, so why bother now?

Plus, she didn't like the feeling.

She's making up her mind what to do. Unless she's very high risk, she won't abort.

Think "adoption, adoption, adoption" and send vibes our way!

They broke up because difficult child said that no matter what he did, he couldn't make her happy. They fought over the most miniscule things. Her parents are divorced, and her mother spent 2 yrs taking care of her mentally ill mother in their house. (She died a few months ago.) Mom never wasted a day, not forgetting to tell her daughter how she wishes she could go back in time to when she was 20 and having fun, and wished she'd never had a baby.
When I often took the kids somewhere, and asked what time Mom wanted her home, her most common answer was, "I don't care."
husband and I have wanted to strangle her so many times.
Now I want to strangle both of the kids.
No way can difficult child "make" anyone happy who has been emotionally abused like that.

Meanwhile, he's got his sights set on a senior, who happens to be Muslim. From Iraq.
"You're not sleeping with her, are you?"
"NO."
"Good, because that would be so stupid on so many levels."
"And I'm not telling her about D."
"Good."
He doesn't know what he wants to do, in regard to a girlfriend, and knows that D is high-maintenance and they were unhappy. During the month of Dec., we cautiously urged him to continue to break up, because they' were both so miserable.
difficult child has been acting out lately, skipping classes, flunking classes, losing his job at McDonald's, arguing with everyone, drank a bottle of Tequila 1800 in the car with a girl friend--right in our driveway--then let his guy friends smoke in the car, which was our number one rule not to do. He came home from school one day with passenger side mirror ripped off and had no idea how it happened. And he got a speeding ticket. Of course, we took the car away.

He went off of his lithium when we went to Calif for New Year's, and he was very grumpy and sullen. When we got home, it got worse. Mean tone of voice, total disrespect for us and the typical, "I'm 18 now. I can do whatever I want!" We thought for sure he was doing pot or spice, in addition to going off of his lithium and suffering a major depressive episode, and I convinced the psychiatrist to prescribe an antidepressant, as well. difficult child only took one, and refused the rest.

Looking back on it, I can see that there was a big picture that we just were not aware of. He freaked out when he found out (She's 2-3 mo's along) and just gave up. Gave up school, work, trying. Trying anything. "My life as I know it is now over," he told me today, in the car, tears streaming down his face.
The due date is somewhere in September, the same birthday month as ex-girlfriend D. Also, we have a wedding in MN on Sept 5 so I hope we don't have to choose one over the other.
I'll worry about those details after the dr's report in two weeks.

The past 4 days, difficult child has been his old self. His lithium levels are back (at least, from my observations), he attitude is better, he is talking more, he's eating, he stayed after school twice this week to catch up.
He has filled out three job applications. He said that after his initial panic, all of a sudden everything clicked, and he thought, "I have to get a job to help with this baby."

It helped for him to get it out. He had not told anyone else, except for a conversation with-girlfriend's mom yesterday. I texted the mom and told her that I had not told husband yet.
I think we should sit down and tell husband on Saturday afternoon. easy child is in town for two days. Even though I would be blindsiding her with-the info, as well, she's got so much training now, I think she could keep the whole thing form spiraling out of control. She is a fabulous facilitator.
And she's going to be the commencement speaker at graduation! She's rehearsing already.

Right now, I feel like I have a huge, heavy stone hanging inside my chest. It's weighing me down. My hands are trembling and I am very forgetful. (The dental surgery didn't help.) I put things down and forget where they are.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Wow...I do hope he steps up and takes responsibility...
And he knows for sure that she is pregnant and she is not just saying it for attention?

(((hugs)))

 

[pasajes4]

 

[mjhawks]

Wow, this is one of my biggest fears. Only I have the girl. Although I've told DQ, under no circumstances will I be raising her baby, should she become pregnant. I can't really say what I'd do.

Here's hoping the great epiphany strikes you at the most opportune time.

 

[TerryJ2]

I know that the mom had to drive to Richmond the other day to get her daughter's insurance card from the ex-husband, because the daughter was bugging her mom for a doctor's appointment.
I even mentioned to difficult child how *I* bug *HIM* to go to the doctor but girlfriend bugs her mom to go. (A yr or two ago, I got a free opinion on a horrid sty that girlfriend had, when I brought difficult child to his glaucoma exam, and girlfriend tagged along. Her mom refused to take her to the doctor.) "What is wrong with this picture?"
Ahh, in retrospect...

I know that the doctor did an exam (a walk-in express place nearby) and that he said "something" in front of both girlfriend and mom, and that's how the mom found out.
There is an ultrasound in 2 wks. with a different doctor.
And I texted the mom yesterday ... cryptic, just to see if we could talk. I said, "OMG. Just found out. Not telling husband yet."
She texted back two very long notes and asked how difficult child was.
I don't think that daughter is capable of pulling off that kind of a scam.

Plus ... this is really weird ... but girlfriend came over for dinner the other night, and I caught myself staring at her. difficult child showed her this very stupid, silly video that has become a family tradition of sorts, from when the kids were in elementary school. It's from Blacksheep.com and it's got a little ducky named Jamal, and an exploding avocado. The guy is higher than a kite, and pronounces it "Ah-vo-COW-do." I go hysterical every time I hear it. The drawings are so stupid. The kids would laugh so hard, they'd wet their pants. We'd watch it over and over. And we can never eat at a Mexican restaurant without saying, "And the "Ah-vo-COW-do ex-PLOW-ded."
So, I'm looking at the girlfriend's face as she's watching it, and she's got all these subtle facial expressions that I've never noticed before ... the way her nose crinkles and flares, the crease between her brows, her perfect cream and peaches complexion, the light pink flush of her cheeks. She seemed so rosy and pretty and glowing.
I almost said something like, "You look so pretty today. You are glowing."
She would have died.

Just anecdotal, but in retrospect ...

 

[2much2recover]

'm in shock. Sort of.
difficult child is 18. Ex-girlfriend is 16. Scary stuff.

What are the statutes in your state as far as sex with minors and age of consent? This is something I would really want to know when the ex-girlfriend is so unstable.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh brother. I'm so sorry.

 

[pasajes4]

I really hope that the mother cannot press charges in your state. The mom sounds unstable and that cannot be a good thing.

 

[Lil]

Okay, first of all...I am so sorry. What a thing to add to the mix.

Second, are you - or I should say is HE - sure he is the father? I know that sounds kind of mean...but if they were breaking up over the holidays...well, things happen. She would not be the first girl to have a fling because things were bad with the boyfriend. I suggest that when things are further along you, very gently, suggest a DNA test. Probably the best way to approach that with the other parents, who are pretty sure to be insulted, is, "I know you want to protect your daughter and I want to protect my son...so, just to be 100% sure and things don't get nasty in the future if they're fighting or something, let's do a test before he signs any papers."

I've ordered a lot of men to pay child support that come in waiving DNA tests that say they aren't the father. In most states, a man can declare himself the father at the hospital or later with bureau of vital records and that declaration has the same effect as a court order. The only way to set it aside is to go to court and even then, if too much time has passed, the courts won't always relieve them of the duty and I don't think I've ever heard of a woman having to return the money she's received.

Given her age, of course you have to be careful. There's probably charges that could be pressed since he's over 18. But just food for thought.

 

[2much2recover]

Bless you Lil, for having this info to share!

 

[AppleCori]

been there done that

Our difficult child and his girlfriend were both 19, luckily. (Not 100% sure it is his because they were broken up during the conception time but that's another story).

She kept the baby (of course) they moved in together (dad paid the initial rent) lived together about 3 months. During that time he got then lost his job, they broke up, she told him the baby wasn't his, she got pregnant again, had an abortion, difficult child was kicked out of their place (another person was owner of house and she wouldn't allow him back in, don't know what he did). Chaos.

Praying that your kids will choose adoption.

Hoping they won't try to live together.

Got a question, though.

Don't you think your son's new girlfriend deserves to know about this? Not right now, of course, but when and if the ex-girlfriend decides to keep the baby, the new girlfriend should know what she is getting in to.

 

[AppleCori]

Oh, sorry, I see you said that he is not telling the pregnant ex-girlfriend about the new girlfriend, not the other way around.

Sorry, my bad.

 

[BusynMember]

Want to make a bet that even if Terry's Difficult Child decides on adoption, which I have heard from my adopted kids is really not an option for them as THEY were put up for adoption. Nor is abortion, but this isn't son's arena. He has no say.

I am guessing, like most Difficult Child, girlfriend is going to keep the baby and her difficult crazed mother will offer to help and it will be a mess with Son maybe not even in child's life in the end. It may not be so bad if he's not. He's not ready for a kid.

So many things to think about. This is one bullet we dodged, but not for lack of Princess trying. She did not use protection, however she is not very fertile and it took her five years to conceive my precious granddaughter and by then she was stable relationship. But, yeah, I worried constantly about it.We had one scare. Thank God it was just a scare. The boy turned into a full blown felon who has many kids he never sees!!!!

I sure hope that a mirascle lightbulb goes off in this kid's head and she DOES choose adoption. Terry, if you have any relationship with the "mother" (barf) at all, I'd try talking to her about adoption and about your own open adoption. That couled sway her. Maybe she really, in her heart, doesn't feel ready for a baby. Hopefully she quit drinking and using drugs? That can affect the developing baby????

Terry, god help your son if he is doing anything to muslim woman. You know how they feel about premarital sex.

I wish you all the best. You are both strong and you will figure something out and cope and accept and do w hat you need to do to make it through this. You arel strong people and always do get through things.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Ugh. I'm sorry to read this.

 

[AppleCori]

MWM--

You are right that probably the girl will keep the baby and her mother will offer to enable her to do it. And so the cycle continues....

Interesting that you said 'in the end, son may not be in child's life. And that might not be so bad'.

But is that right for the baby?

SO said the same thing about his son and the baby, and it has turned out to be accurate. He doesn't pay child support and only sees the baby when his mom babysits. G G F lives with his mom now, but when he lived elsewhere, he didn't try to see the baby at all.

SO has decided not to get involved with the baby at all.

I have mixed feelings about that, but girlfriend G is his child and not mine, so I have chosen to support him.

girlfriend G was/is not ready for a child either, and he claimed he always used condoms (who knows if that is the truth) but it happened anyway.

Sigh...

 

[SuZir]

I have to agree with those who recommend trying to sell paternity test for them. Not only because it may be possible baby is not his but because it can prevent lots of nasty fights even when baby is his. Probably smartest to try to sell it as something you just do when parents are not married/living together.

I hope she decides for adoption but have to agree with MWM that it doesn't sound too likely.

I'm truly sorry. This is not time or way to become a grandparent.

 

[DoneDad]

Ugg. I'm sorry you're going through this. Our daughter was 23 when she got unexpectedly pregnant, so she was older (but not wiser). It must be even worse with them being so young. It's a special kind of rabbit hole we're living in when something that should be joyous (a grandchild) is just another occasion for worry and anxiety.

 

[Lil]

Ours actually tried to claim one that wasn't his! He came in one night and said his girlfriend was pregnant, it wasn't his, and she had not cheated on him. Yeah...that required explanation.

Turned out she was pregnant when they started dating and didn't realize it. After they'd been together two months, she was about 4 1/2 months pregnant. (Of course, they were already totally in love...after two months. )

He planned to raise the child as his. Tried to enlist in the Marine Corps so he could have all his living expenses paid and he could support the child...thank God they didn't take him, what a horrible reason to enlist! (Not that some form of military wouldn't be good for him, but the Marine's would chew him up and spit him out. He wouldn't make it thru boot!)

He stayed thru the whole pregnancy, was there for the birth, cut the cord.

But he didn't claim the child as his since he was still 17 and I told him that if he signed a paternity affidavit, as his legal guardian I'd have a lawsuit filed the NEXT DAY to take it off! And don't think I didn't have an acquaintance with access to the BVR records check as soon as possible!

In the end, she broke up with him. Last I heard she was married to someone and living in another state. Baby was a cute little munchkin. I'd actually hoped he might grow up a little going thru this and taking on the responsibility.

Not so much.

The advice I gave Terry was the same I gave my brother-in-law last year. Only in their case their son was younger and the mother older. Baby is also a cute little stinker. They all are. Nephew seems to be more mature...but he was never a D.C.

 

[BusynMember]

Usually, from the stories I've read, the young kids who are old enough to make a baby try to take care of the baby at first, but have no idea what to do so go to mama. If the parent is up for it, she tries. Some parents are awful too, but the bar is high for losing custody of a child. Often the young father, being immature and not carrying the child backs off.I've actually seen this in real life as lots of kids are having kids these days. The father ends up being insignificant because he loses interest, won't pay child support, won't get a job, What does a child gain by being given to a father who is as young and messed up as his mother?

Since Mom has the advantage unless Dad is willing to fight for custodial rights because he truly cares, Mom usually takes baby to her family and her family raises the baby. There are no such thing as grandparent rights so no way for boy's mother/dad to even see the baby unless they are given permission by custodial parent(s).

What a mess. God forbid our disturbed lovies make an unselfish decision to let a couple who really WANTS a baby and is ready for one to raise the child. Nope. They want to do it, although somehow they must know they can't. Even if one agress to adoption, they both have to. And then there is the waiting period when they can change their minds. I remember when Jumper was born and we were so afraid her birthmother would not sign her rights away. In Illinois, fortunaetly there is no extended time to change your mind...once you sign it is final. But she was rather mature and practical and did sign. I love her for her sacrifice.

But not many people seem capable of doing what is right for the child. Our kids who bring us here are me-centric and no way are they going to give their baby to somebody else...why? Just because. The baby is THEIR possession. It's very sad.

 

[AppleCori]

Of course, my SO wanted his son, difficult child, to get a paternity test, but he never did. At first, he was still with her, so he was probably scared to bring it up. After they broke up, though, he was still strangely reluctant to get one. His dad offered to pay, but he hemmed and hawed around, even though he was sometimes doubting the paternity. The offer still stands.

difficult child's mom was very against getting a paternity test though.

She was so in love with the notion of being a grandma that she would not hear of any doubts as to paternity.

It's not like she was close to or particularly liked the girlfriend before the pregnancy, either.

She claimed ther was no need for a paternity test because difficult child was this girl's first and only boyfriend...not true by a long shot, and no one had ever even said this was the case (except for G f g mom).

She then claimed girlfriend was a 'good Catholic girl' and got pregnant because she was following the dictates of her Church. Again, not true. girlfriend actually was an atheist who never had gone to Church, Catholic or otherwise. The closest thing to Catholicism, nearest I can tell, is that her last name gets its origins from a overwhelmingly Catholic country. We had talked to difficult child many times about taking girlfriend to get birth control from planned parenthood (located about 2 blocks from her house, but they never managed to get there.) But she never objected on religious grounds, and anyway, they used condoms.

I have a question about birth certificates.

difficult child claims they put him as father on the birth certificate, and the baby does have his last name, but due to a 'clerical error' according to difficult child and girlfriend, the birth certificate has the father information blank. We have always wondered about this. They said they were going to get it fixed, but of course nothing ever happened.



Anyway,
I think that difficult child gets positive attention from his mom because of the baby, and doesn't want to mess it up. Since he doesn't pay any child support, there is no down side for him, I guess.