So now we know what he's doing--what next?

[threeCs]

So here's a question:

we needed to revisit the idea of spyware on difficult child's computer. I installed it Monday and last night got the email listing all the porn sites he visited while he was home alone for 55 minutes yesterday afternoon. So here's the question: Once you have information, how do you confront your difficult child without giving up your source? husband is SO forthright and honest, she has a hard time not telling difficult child the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I don't think it's wise to tip our hand.

By the way, we've been down the porn obssession road before when he was 10 and was still using the one house computer. Now he has his own laptop.

Any thoughts?

 

[KC but no sunshine band]

Is it really necessary to tell your difficult child how you know? Or can you talk to him about the situation without bringing that piece of information into it? Good luck.

Kathy

 

[meowbunny]

Since he's not using the laptop properly, I'd take it with me (and the keyboard and mouse to the main computer) when leaving him home alone. I'd also limit its use to where it can be seen by an adult. Sorry, I don't think a 13.5 YO needs a laptop and certainly shouldn't have private access to one. It just leads to too much trouble. Their maturity level, impulse control and general judgment just preclude them having something like a laptop. To me, it is the equivalent of a loaded gun -- too much could go wrong.

As to telling him why, I'd simply state that you've discovered that he is once again visiting porn sites. You could show him the history on his laptop showing a visit or two or simply state that there are ways parents can find out these things and leave it at that. If does find out about the spyware, so what? He hasn't earned the right to have any privacy on his computer. If he had, he wouldn't be using porn sites.

 

[KC but no sunshine band]

Since he's not using the laptop properly, I'd take it with me (and the keyboard and mouse to the main computer) when leaving him home alone. I'd also limit its use to where it can be seen by an adult. Sorry, I don't think a 13.5 YO needs a laptop and certainly shouldn't have private access to one. It just leads to too much trouble. Their maturity level, impulse control and general judgment just preclude them having something like a laptop. To me, it is the equivalent of a loaded gun -- too much could go wrong.


:bravo:

Here! Here! I agree.

 

[Sheila]

He's more at the age now where curiosity would likely override his better judgment even under the best of neurological circumstances.

Our difficult child hasn't ever had this type of obsession, but lots of kids will push limits. In order to help prevent inappropriate use of the computer, difficult child doesn't have a computer in his room.

Our home computer is situated in the living room where husband or I can easily glance at the screen. It's not a good accent piece, but it's where it needs to be. If I ever find difficult child abusing the priviledge, he'll loose it -- even if that ultimately means I have to carry it around in my vehicle 100% of the time.

 

[witzend]

I'm with the school of a 13 year old not needing their own computer. If he needs a laptop for some reason, he can use it when you are home in a room where you are for limited purposes, and you can take it with you or lock it up in a secure place (ie: wall safe, floor safe) when you are gone.

 

[Fran]

three C's, I don't think the curiosity of sexuality is unusual for a 13 yr old boy or girl. The problem becomes him receiving inappropriate images of what an intimate relationship really looks like.

I guess I would approach the issue as him understanding that those sites are not realistic and it will give him an unhealthy picture of sexuality. Maybe have a conversation that is age appropriate for him to learn what he wants to know. Keep the door open to conversation regarding sex. A mentor may help him address some of his questions.

The bottom line is that the statistics for porn are astounding. No sanctioning it in your home is a reasonable request for a parent to a child. When he has his own place and he thinks this is appropriate there will be nothing you can do but you don't want him having easy access to it in your home.

Make this into an something other than "I caught you and there are consequences".
I just don't see a world where 13yr olds are in control of their hormones or their curiosity. How to teach appropriateness and reality is really the point.

 

[threeCs]

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, he does need computer and internet access for the the majority of his school work, including some geometry computer application program they now use to teach the stuff and the ability to get assignments off of teachers class webpages, etc.

But it is helpful to remember that privacy is not a right and we do get to monitor use and there are consequences for abuse of privledges.

We are so worried about where all of this is going to end. It feels like if it's not one thing, it's another...

 

[meowbunny]

Do remember that it's one thing after another whether our problem children or a "normal" one. It's one of those things that just goes with parenting.

Looking at porn is not unusual at his age. I remember looking at Playboy and reading Penthouse Forum. I'm sure I would have looked at much worse had I had access. Unfortunately, kids today have access.

I agree that the problem isn't so much the porn as the wrong images of love and sex. Definitely time for another talk.

I still stand that he shouldn't have unsupervised access to his laptop. Curiosity is going to outweigh any verbal restrictions you put on him.

Also, you might want to consider having him re-evaluated. Puberty brings about many changes to the body's chemistry. What was there 3 years ago might be gone today. What couldn't be seen 3 years might be highly visible to a professional today.

 

[susiestar]

I agree that it may be time to have him reevaluated. This is just necessary because children grow and change. Remember how often they need shoes? Sometimes it seems like they need a new size every month? Their brains and bodies are developing ALL OVER like that. A new evaluation is like measuring feet for shoes,in my opinion, though the new evaluation is considerably more of a PITA.

As for the homework on the laptop, he may need internet access and a computer, but I am more than willing to guess that not all of the other kids have laptops. He can use a computer in a centrally located area where you can offer help and support to his studies. One way to offer this help and support is to redirect him if he is caught on porn sites!!!

Are you sure that he cannot do some of this at school on their computers? I know my son wants us to believe that his "own" computer is as necessary as air, and that "ALL the other kids have one" but he used these same arguments for a gameboy and even for a dinosaur he could take apart when he was younger.

Porn is not that unusual for a teen to seek out. It is not healthy, and you need to step in, but it is not unusual for curiosity to rule with the hormones. Heck, my now 40yo bro stole some porn from a neighbor when he was about 13, And in my locker room in 7th grade (age 12) a girl had a playboy. Porn is just yucky and you need to assert the house rules. But hte curiosity also needs to be addressed in an age appropriate way.

Why do you care if he knows how you found hte porn? He is 13, it is your job to spy on him.

The laptop needs to be locked up when he is not being supervised on it. I wholeheartedly agree with this. and, if it continues to be a problem, you can talk to the teachers to ahve them provide hard copy of hte info online that he is supposed to access. This can be done, though it make take some discussion.

Have a good night!

Susie

 

[jamrobmic]

The porn they can get to on the internet is far worse than anything they can see in print. This was a huge problem with our son, one we never resolved. By that, I mean we could never trust him not to go to porn sites, no matter how many times we punished him for it. The thing that worked best for us was software that restricted where he could go. We used Cybersitter, but there are others out there. It had different settings that allowed us to choose what content we would allow or restrict-it even allowed us to block internet access completely, or only allow it for a set amount of time. My son was able to work around every other thing we tried (including taking the mouse-he got a mouse from someone else). He did eventually work around Cybersitter as well (by using the credit card number I originally used to purchase the software to get the password from their website), but it worked longer and better than anything else we tried.