So stressed

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Mar 4, 2016.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    As I posted before my 20 year old son is in rehab. It was that or getting kicked out so thankfully he did go.

    He is doing "okay" in there but really thinks since he has been sober for 13 days and head clear he is ready to go. We told him no way he has to stay there; can't be home right now. He ruined that for everyone by recent past behavior. Last night had to have his dad tell him like it is and he actually backed down and stayed. Son (and husband for that matter) have very strong German personality!

    I had hoped he'd go to Teen Challenge but he refuses. Too long to be in lockdown. He did agree to sober living in Florida so I am looking for a place there. It is so stressful because so much crap pops up when you do a search that it's mind boggling. My son is in rehab and no computers so can't look for anything except rarely when he is with his therapist. My husband is in sales so in a car all day with no computer access. We want him to be home for one day at the most and then my husband can take him to sober living.

    If he then has my insurance card there and he goes to get more benzo's (which is what got him into rehab to begin with and he realizes this choice did this) then what? It's all an unknown.

    It is scary too that it's all on line. What if they get there and the place is nasty? I am trying to calm down but hemorrhaging with worry and stress like moms do.

    Please pray for us that this works out SOMEHOW.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Just curious why YOU are driving this. He isn't ready for sober living. Surely the rehab he is in has a process for finding the next step?
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    RN, Kathy may be able to help you find some places in that area. I'll ask her to read this.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Well Insane they are short staffed at rehab (just our luck) so last night he was looking with therapist but I am trying too. Someone just quit the week he started.

    Yes I know I know but I just DON'T want him in my house. I'm doing it more for me to be honest. He makes me a nervous wreck!!! He has to go to sober living because there is nothing else he can do. It was his idea actually.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You dont have to let him live in your house. Why do you think you have to house him while he is an addict? It is way too soon to even consider thinking of him as sober. If he stresses you out, why not force him to find his own living arrangements?
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We are looking at IOP for now and then sober living after that - both in Florida and we live in Chicago. He doesn't have a job or anywhere to go as most that have been addicted.
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I have never been the rehab or sober living route with my two, and have no idea what is gong on with their lives at this point, hopefully they are trying to find their purpose and meaning.
    I understand the opinions that he should be finding his own arrangements, but with no access to a computer, that would be hard.
    How much longer is he supposed to be in rehab, RN?

    Just my opinion, but I do not see the harm in you helping him find arrangements. Especially since it is his idea? If it works, it works, if not, that is a whole different ballgame. You have to do what you have to do, RN, so you can look in the mirror. At some point, son has got to realize the consequences of his actions. I am glad he is in rehab, when I last saw my two, they just balked at the idea. They don't even think they have a problem (at least will not admit that to me).

    One day at a time, the answers will come. It is too much to try to project what may, or may not happen. I think that is stressful, too. The fact that you know you will not have him living in your home is a big step, RN. My two went in and out through our revolving door before we even realized what was happening and knew how we all were so badly effected. Looking back, I must have been closing my eyes.
    In your sons instance, what is a Mom to do? If the rehab is understaffed and not helping, what is there to do? I am asking, because I really do not know. I just recall reading clarification on what is loving detachment and what it is not, one of which is not coldly cutting our kids off. So, I do think it is not a bad thing to be assisting him with finding sober living, which I do not even know what that looks like....ahem. Okay, I just searched it and Salvation Army has a couple here, cheaper rent and expectations of residents.....would you pay his rent, or expect him to?

    I guess, if it were me, I would help look. I would just be so glad if my kids went to rehab......would not want them home either, because they just regress. Then, I think RN, I would not gauge too much on what may, or may not happen, that is up to our kids and way too stressful to think about.

    Lots of prayers and going day by day.

    I so hope for you and your son, that this all works out. As for the rest, you can cross that bridge when you get to it. In the mean time, take very good care of yourself. You have value and you matter RN. The fact that you are adamant that your son not live with you, is a very good thing. That is good progress in loving detachment. JMO.

  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    See, I even had to look up IOP.
    RN, if he wants these things, you are helping him. I think that is okay. I would do the same for my two.

    Maybe not get my hopes up, and work at stepping back and making a plan if they didn't launch, on what my involvement would be.

    Saying prayers that all of this works for you and son, and that he learns.

    God give you peace of mind and heart.

  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Thank you Leafy. He is supposed to get out around March 21. He said he wants to get on track or else he'll be working at Pizza Hut when he is 30 and he feels he has more potential which I think is good. We also feel that he does.

    Thinking intensive outpatient for two weeks then sober living in the same facility in Delray Beach, FL. It will be up to him to find work there etc. and he says he wants to do that. So it will be up to him. We will pay rent for first month only and then see how it goes. It will be good for him to be independent and responsible for himself and away from mom and dad I think - for the first time in his life. Sink or swim right?

    Just want to let him be someplace warm and beautiful if we can to help heal his soul.:cloudy-little:
  10. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    I wouldn't know where to begin to find one either,however I have a thought. I would contact the ones that look good on the surface and ask them if they have any past "patients" and/or families that would be willing to give a recommendation. We did this when we were looking for aftercare from a therapeutic program for our son. I was surprised that families were willing to talk to us and give us very honest information about their experiences.
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Good idea U&D. Actually I just had lunch with a work friend and she asked me if there are reviews. I looked on Yelp and nothing. LOL. Where does one find reviews on this type of thing? Probably not available!
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member


    I believe there are discharge coordinators. I second (third) the idea that this is not your responsibility. By paying rent for a month, you are giving him a gift. He may use it constructively or not. Be prepared for this.

    I am not an expert in Substance Abuse Treatment. Let me say that.

    There are residential programs that your son can go to, like Delancey Street, Victory Outreach, etc. and live and work there for as long as he would need. These as far as I know are free. They are all over the country. It is not too late to switch gears. He might prefer his own apartment, but has he earned it by demonstrating a commitment to sobriety and sustained work at remaining sober.

    Like with all of us, there is the necessity to realize we pay for apartments, buy houses, etc. for ourselves, to look at ourselves in the mirror. They will, our children will, do what they wish. There is no real correlation between our efforts on their behalf and their own for themselves. That does not mean you should or should not do it.

    Your son's choices in how to respond to his mental illness, have pretty much taken you out of the loop, in terms of control or responsibility.

    Keep posting. It helps. Take care. You are good parents. But your son is in a place where good parents no longer carry the day. He must.

    Last edited: Mar 4, 2016
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't think you will find reviews of these places. They are mostly all run by recovering addicts. The best way is to get word of mouth recommendations from networking with people. Is he in rehab in Chicago? That may make it more difficult to find a place in another state. Our daughter went into intensive IOP right from residential. The rehab set it up for us. Then when she relapsed they also recommended a couple sober living homes. By then I had already networked with a support group and was able to get info on which places were good.
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Ladies;

    Nancy: I found some reviews on so I think we have it narrowed down to two. Haven't heard from any others that I've emailed yet. He is rehabbing in Aurora, IL. Both places have intensive outpatient programs to start out with a lot of support so I think this will be a good experience for him. I'm going to let him pick based on the info we have.

    Copa; he will not be in his own apartment but sharing a bedroom with another and a house of six I believe. Certainly not what is the norm for him but hey it's time to grow up and see what the world is REALLY like.

    No clue how this will turn out but we're going to try it I guess. I pray that it will be an eye opening experience for him.
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I have way too much experiences with this..... So if you are looking at sober livings in Delray let me know which ones they were. My son was in some sober livings in Delray and there is a wide range of places there.

    But really if he has been in rehab in Il why would he got to sober living in FL? He would be better off going to an IOP associated with or known by the rehab he is in, and in a sober living known by them. I am not sure sending him to a sober living in FL is a good idea unless you live in FL?
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    TL we are looking at Lighthouse Recovery or Florida Recovery Group. We have a condo in Fort Meyers and are there often.

    Ultimately we planned to have him go to college in Fort Meyers so that is down the road if he is successfully sober for some time. He wants to go there and it will be a good way for him to learn some independence. Do you have any insight on any places in Delray?
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Honestly I don't know if we're doing the right thing but husband wants him to go to Florida to get away from here and bad influences. My husband really wishes we could live there ourselves. We are just trying to sort this all out.

    I don't have all (or any) of the answers trust me, but he says he wants to be sober and get on track and knows he has not built a good life where we now live. I am hoping and praying it will be a good experience for him and maybe he'll like it and want to stay.
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Please text me info if anyone has any; I don't check this forum on weekends. 815-325-0424 cell

    Thanks so much for any help.
  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    RN, not a single one of us has all the answers. You are doing the best you can in your situation.
    I pray you find a good solution, and that your son works diligently towards realizing his full potential.

  20. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    We are from Boynton Beach which is just one town north of Delray. Son is still Boynton.
    Delray is one of the most popular U.S. 'hubs' of AA, sober & halfway houses & AA meetings. And lots & lots of young addicts..are 'shipped' there by their parents.
    Praying for all of our difficult kids tonight.