So tired of the meanness!
- Thread starter graceupongrace
- Start date
hi
i'm so sorry to hear you are going through this but you did handle that really well. not engaging is half the battle i think. it's so hard not to engage at times, you almost want to bite your lip off yet it keeps the situation from escalating.
id' tell him also when he is calm to repair whatever destruction he has done to the home, whatever minimal.
is this new with you not engaging and trying these different approaches?? how long have you been doing this?
i'm so sorry to hear you are going through this but you did handle that really well. not engaging is half the battle i think. it's so hard not to engage at times, you almost want to bite your lip off yet it keeps the situation from escalating.
id' tell him also when he is calm to repair whatever destruction he has done to the home, whatever minimal.
is this new with you not engaging and trying these different approaches?? how long have you been doing this?
Running_for_the_shelter
New Member
I have variations on a theme when my cubs (both the difficult child and the 10-going-on-15 easy child) start being very rude and/or demanding. The theme is this: "I am the source of all good things. You play my game, you get stuff you want. You're rude and nasty to me, you don't get anything. Until you reach the age of majority, you don't actually own anything and I can take any or all of it away if you treat me badly. So think about it and make a good choice next time." Yeah, it sounds pretty harsh and I suppose some people would use those same words to make someone else feel trapped and helpless. But heck, I'm not going to be made to feel trapped and helpless by people I'm feeding and clothing! "When you're 18, you're free to leave and not deal with me anymore" is also a personal favorite.
When difficult child was younger, he would rage and demand that I do this thing or another. "You have to!" seemed to be a personal favorite phrase of HIS! I'd say, "No, I don't. You know why? Because I'm the boss. I'm the source of all good things etc." Then, I'd make him admit that I was, in fact, the boss. I remember one time he was throwing a fit when we were all supposed to be going to a store and I said I wasn't taking him into a store acting this way. He went into the "You have to!" speech and I did MY little speech. I sent husband and easy child into the store and sat there in the car with difficult child until he finally said I was the boss before I would take him in. It seemed to take forever and I honestly thought that the other two would finish shopping before we ever got in there.
I realize that my cubs are still young compared to yours and I'll probably have to modify the speech a little as they grow. [Although, I have to tell you, watching my 6 year old easy child explain personal property rights and the age of majority to her younger brother was most gratifying.] However, I myself was a difficult child and can tell you that I was as rude as I could get away with. Years later, I thought my parents had done me a great disservice by putting up with so much of my BS. They were probably two steps away from throttling me, but it took me another 20 years to figure that one out.
So, from a former difficult child and now mother of another, I can only say: You will get as much rudeness as you will accept. Your reward for putting up with garbage is .... more garbage! Many difficult child's really can control themselves much better than they do, but why do it if they don't have to? I still remember the thrill of getting away with a rude comment to the people who were feeding me and caring for me. I don't particularly feel like letting my cubs have that feeling.
Then again, I'm not a particularly nice person, so maybe you don't want to try any of this!
When difficult child was younger, he would rage and demand that I do this thing or another. "You have to!" seemed to be a personal favorite phrase of HIS! I'd say, "No, I don't. You know why? Because I'm the boss. I'm the source of all good things etc." Then, I'd make him admit that I was, in fact, the boss. I remember one time he was throwing a fit when we were all supposed to be going to a store and I said I wasn't taking him into a store acting this way. He went into the "You have to!" speech and I did MY little speech. I sent husband and easy child into the store and sat there in the car with difficult child until he finally said I was the boss before I would take him in. It seemed to take forever and I honestly thought that the other two would finish shopping before we ever got in there.
I realize that my cubs are still young compared to yours and I'll probably have to modify the speech a little as they grow. [Although, I have to tell you, watching my 6 year old easy child explain personal property rights and the age of majority to her younger brother was most gratifying.] However, I myself was a difficult child and can tell you that I was as rude as I could get away with. Years later, I thought my parents had done me a great disservice by putting up with so much of my BS. They were probably two steps away from throttling me, but it took me another 20 years to figure that one out.
So, from a former difficult child and now mother of another, I can only say: You will get as much rudeness as you will accept. Your reward for putting up with garbage is .... more garbage! Many difficult child's really can control themselves much better than they do, but why do it if they don't have to? I still remember the thrill of getting away with a rude comment to the people who were feeding me and caring for me. I don't particularly feel like letting my cubs have that feeling.
Then again, I'm not a particularly nice person, so maybe you don't want to try any of this!
