So tired...

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by MichelleLynnFl, Jul 16, 2017.

  1. Hello all. My daughter is 25 years old and is back home for the last 6 months. The reason? She was in jail for a week due to being drunk in public, disorderly conduct in a public place, and was charged with a felony for licking the officers arm. Felony charge was dropped because it was a ridiculous charge to begin with. At this time she lived alone for a year and what a terrible year it was. Job after job, no food, car broke down and she started walking/riding her bike to jobs...not making ends meet and I helped with what she could not manage. Since coming out of jail, as the terms of her probation, had to seek a counselor. She has been diagnosed with being bipolar and put on the medication lithium. Dramatic change! She got and held a job, we did not fight so much, she was so nice to be around that I really felt things were changing....until she lost her job. For about a month now she takes her medication only as needed, stays in her room most of the day, has applied to numerous jobs but because of recent jail time, a job is hard to find. Many of the fast food places, they don't do background checks, she worked while living alone she burned those bridges being let go/fired. She is set up to begin online college classes in August but if it's the same as before, she starts out strong then does nothing. My husband and I just purchased our first home, our dream come true, and she is making life miserable. My daughter is mostly a nasty person, nasty attitude. Do we blame her bi polar or she just lashing out? She mostly takes all her frustrations out on me and it's why we fight as I won't stand for it. She thinks the rules of our house are too much for a person of her age. No smoking, no friends, no going out, helping around the house, ect. Our conditions as to letting her live with us were no friends, relationships, work on you first. We had been through enough heartache all our lives with her and these friends/relationships. No more as these people got her involved into taking drugs, nasty sex practices, drinking. Because of her severe restrictions at home she decided while having no job that she would get on these meeting apps and found "friends". She does not have phone service and I just recently found out she chats with these people through using Wi-Fi on these apps. I must tell you also that my daughter is gay. My husband passes by her room tonight and heard her saying to whoever this "friend" was, so you want me to f*uck you up the a*s? About a week ago she asked if she could meet these friends....they are good people, I even talked to them...NO! But why? It's not fair. Told her she had to earn our trust and that this recent change in her behavior/attitude was not proving to us the conditions she so eagerly agreed with coming out of jail. Right back to her old ways in only 6 months. Gone is the gratitude of being on the other side of the bars, the shock is over with. That was the final straw! I instantly changed our Wi-Fi router password, shut that whole thing down. Now I had to password protect all my Wi-Fi enabled devices, hid my purse, keys, check book, ect. I don't trust that she will try and sneak my keys or use my credit card at this point. She uses my phone for calling jobs and now I am not going to let her use it as she might find the password. We have no long term shelters here in Florida, nowhere for her to go. My daughter is not the smartest either, has no sense of direction, no common sense, basically does not care what happens to her and wants the world to do it for her. My plan at this time is to talk with her tomorrow, tell her she has to get back on her medication and be a productive member of our house or she is out of here. I sound so brave but in reality feel if she is homeless, on the street, it will be the death of her. If not by her own hand then by a so called " friend" and her doing drugs. She told me jail was a blessing because she was ready to shoot drugs into her arm soon. Supposedly a wake up call that she has forgotten so quickly. How much can I blame her being seriously bi polar for all these actions? Her Dad and I have been married 26 years now and all those years we have done everything we can think of to help her, she refuses. Where to go from here? Please help. Thank you.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome MichelleLynneFl. I'm sorry you are going thru this with your daughter. You may want to put your post in the Parent Emeritus forum as well to receive more support.

    You appear to have a good handle on how to deal with your daughter, many years of it will give us that wisdom. It doesn't mean it feels any better, however, you have some tools. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. If you aren't in some kind of counseling, you might consider it. This is a very difficult path with our adult kids who can't/won't change, it generally requires us to do the heavy lifting of change because they don't. You've learned that you cannot change her, so now it becomes about what boundaries you need to be able to have your own life with peace and joy. Not an easy task, but doable.

    One good resource many of us have utilized is NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online and they have chapters in many cities. I attended their parent course, it is very helpful. They can offer you guidance, information and support. 12 step groups helped me as well. I liked CODA, and met others who had similar stories whom I could relate to. I have an adult daughter who has not been diagnosed, (refuses) but exhibits signs of bi-polar and conduct disorders. It's been a long journey thru for me, I've used all the help I can get which for me was private therapy, a parent support group, CODA, this board, many, many books and a strong willingness to change.

    Many of us here understand the nastiness our kids have towards us, they often bully us and manipulate us to get their way. They often do not respect our boundaries and at some point, for many of us, we have learned that we cannot live with them, it literally begins to ruin our own lives and eat away at our hearts on a daily basis. It is challenging when they are mentally ill, however, unless your daughter is psychotic, she understands right from wrong. It is usually us, the parents, who come to an end point and say, "no more."

    It's unfortunate that there are no shelters in your area. You can cal 211 which is a National resource for services in your particular area. There may be options you haven't considered. Here in CA. NAMI tried to help get my daughter in a group home, but of course, she refused. She is presently homeless. I spent close to 6 years trying to find her the resources, which are available in my area, but she refused all of it. She lived with us on and off and it was a awful, no consideration for rules or boundaries, all promises to work go away and she simply relaxes into where she is and stays until she is thrown out. After many years of trying and enabling, I stopped and learned how to accept what I can't change. I let go. She and I have a very limited connection. It isn't about love for her, she is my only child, I love her became about me loving myself enough to stop the abuse, the manipulations, the lack of concern or respect for me or anyone else.

    We always have choices. I chose life, I chose MY life, I chose peace, which I wanted more than anything else. Peace. I know how difficult it is where you are now, I've been advice would be to find a counselor or therapist, someone who is an expert in dealing with our kids who have mental illness. NAMI may be able to help you. Here in CA. I found a codependency course thru our HMO which went for 1-2 years and literally saved me. I learned how to let go. I learned how to accept what I cannot change. I learned how to care for myself in ways that gave me the strength to change.

    Keep posting, it helps to write it out. Get yourselves support. Make clear boundaries with consequences that you hold to. If you offer boundaries and she breaks them and you allow it, your word will mean nothing. And, expand your options from 'she lives with you or dies on the streets', all that gives you is fear and sorrow.....there are likely other options you can't see....and if your daughter cannot live within the boundaries you give her, she will likely find a way, our kids are pretty resilient and resourceful when they HAVE to be.

    If there is anything I or anyone here says that you find difficult or not applicable, simply throw it out. We are not experts, we are simply parents on the same path sharing what we've learned.

    Hang in there. I'm glad you're here. Be VERY kind to yourself. Put yourself first. Focus on your needs. Hold the line with boundaries.
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  3. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    Welcome Michelle

    I'm glad you found this Forum.Take care of yourselves.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a serious mood disorder. Even before I was medicaited i didnt steal or take drugs. It is not forced on anyone due to any mental illness. Her lack of compliance and drug use is herself. Maybe she also has a personality disorder such as borderline. This is often misdiagnosed as bipolar but they are very differrent. Borderlines tend to be scary risk takers who jump from man to man and often take drugs. They have no long term healthy relationships. They burn every bridge. Not saying she has it, but psychiatry is far from an exact science and regardless of what may be wrong with Daughter, you need to protect yourself. Your home is your sanctuary. Your daughter is a grown women who can comply with her doctor and can keep a job and stop abusing is all on her shoulders. She will never grow up if she can gp to you.

    I am very sorry for your sadness. Do you have a therapist? Have you ever gone to Al Anon or NAMI? in my opinion you need to learn to detach from her drama snd focus on you.
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  5. Thank you recoveringenabler, I appreciate the concern and much love I feel in this post. Today was not a good day. Tried talking with my daughter as planned and the final result is my daughter ran out of the house and is gone. Found out through a little snooping on her computer that for days now she has been researching where to go when homeless, apartments, and the kickers.... Her rights as an adult, adult abuse. She sees a counselor and in these papers I found told the counselor we used to be abusive parents! What a slap in the face, I am deeply hurt. We spanked them on occasion when they were really little but realized it was not the right answer so stopped. We think she is either at a temp shelter or one of these friends house that she met online. She became real resourceful when needed just as you said. Whenever she comes back she is not going to be staying here. I might be forced by law to keep her for a bit as we might have to evict her per Florida law. But, it's the final straw I cannot take it anymore. All the counseling sessions, all the running her to this job or that, getting her out of jail by contacting her lawyer who speeded things up from my calling her, no gratitude for anything...not even a thank you.... I am the person who wears their heart on their sleeve so this truly has my heart broken. Will very much try and reach out to the resources you mentioned. We cannot afford insurance but if these places will help for free or low pay I need to attend. It's going to be very hard for me to let go, if it's her on the streets or not, it has to be done.

  6. Thank you so much Blighty for a very warm welcome.

  7. Hello SomewhereOutThere, thank you so much for confirming what I thought to be true. It made me cry to think it's actually my daughter who has treated me as she has, done the things she has without the effects of bi polar. Your 100% right, we know right from wrong! I am definitely seeking help from the agencies you listed. Help to set my mind at ease...knowing I did all I could, help to let go.

  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh MichelleLynnFl, I am sorry. If you read our stories, you will find so many of us have felt the sword of blame pierce our hearts when our kids put all the blame on us and accuse us of terrible hurts to the core, I know. There are many of us who have been at this for years, taking the brunt of our adult kids unwarranted, undeserved wrath. I understand the depth of your hurt.

    Yes, you might do a bit of research as soon as you can and find out the eviction laws in Florida. Protect yourself, find out the facts.

    Cover all your bases, protect yourselves, your home, your belongings. Make sure she has no access to your bank cards, credit cards, cash. Check your wallets for anything missing. Our kids are resourceful and when they believe they are cornered, stealing is a no brainer for them. Check your checkbooks to make sure no checks are missing. Check your jewelry. I don't mean to alarm you, I've just heard so many stories of theft by our own kids.

    NAMI, as far as I know, doesn't charge, so they may be a good resource. You can also contact Social Services in your area to find out if they have any Therapists who do sliding scale. (I'm not sure but also try calling 211 for counselors for you) But I think NAMI may be able to help you with that.

    This IS heartbreaking. I've shed many, many tears for my daughter. And in the end, there wasn't much I could do. Some tools I have learned to utilize, are:
    *Meditation. If you are new to it, you can go on YouTube and search guided meditations. They have them for sorrow, depression, fear, anxiety, any feeling you have. And general ones too. Deepak Chopra and the Honest Guys are two I like. Practice deep breathing. When we are frightened, we breathe in a shallow fashion, deep breathing helps.
    *12 step groups are free, you might look into one that fits for you. Many are focused on addiction, but CODA helped me.
    *Take a walk when it gets to you. The stats are that within 11 minutes the brain chemistry changes. It helps to exercise, to stay active.
    * Keep posting here. Writing it out is very helpful. Plus you get support.
    *I like acupuncture, it helped me to remain calm and find relaxation. You can call any local acupuncturist and find out if they offer sliding scale, many do.
    *Some find solace in talking to a Pastor or Priest, if you belong to a church or other religious entity, they might provide groups or resources.
    *Read books that offer what you are looking for. I like Echhart Tolle who helped me to stay in the present moment and get out of the past and tripping in to the future. The power of now is good start. Pema Chodrin is a Buddhist Nun whose written wonderful books on living in uncertainty. I found them very helpful.
    Develop a 'tool box' of your own to utilize when you need it.

    You're in a tough spot, but you sound very determined. You can do this.
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  9. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    Hi Michelle
    You looked on her computer and saw things there that you did not expect to see which have hurt you. I would have probably done the same if in your position, but some of that stuff is confidential and she may have made assertions because of the imbalance of her brain at the time or felt compelled to for some reason that you do not know, and later it would be hard for her to take it all back.

    You are seeing that information out of context; you weren't actually there to hear what was said. Please don't let it hurt you more or influence you with regard to your daughter. You can't un-see it, the cat is out the bag, but if it was a court trial, the judge would be asking the jury to disregard it for the purposes of the trial, so to speak.

    She has probably done enough to hurt you to your face without you needing this confidential information to influence you in your future treatment of her. I'm not defending her as such, but I felt concerned that information might have caused more harm then was ever 'intended' by her.