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So tired...
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 715042" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Your story is a familiar one.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Here's the thing, if she doesn't like your rules then she is free to leave. I do not think your rules are out of line at all considering what you have shared about her.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm glad you did these things. Something I suggest you think about is the fact that you had to do these things. Is this the way you want to live? Having to hide things in your own home, the home you and your husband worked so hard for is not a good way to live. Your home should be a sanctuary, a place of peace, a place of security.</p><p></p><p>The only thing I would add to this is you need to be very specific. I would suggest writing it down like a contract and ask her to sign it. This way if things don't work out she can't come back and say "you didn't tell me that"</p><p></p><p>I used to feel the same way about my son being homeless but I have learned that homeless people actually network together. No, it's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself but my son and many others manage just fine. The main thing to remember here is that being homeless is a choice they make. Your daughter is 25, you should not have to take care of her. In fact, the longer we "help" our difficult adult children the harder it will be for them. The sooner they can figure out how to live on their own, homeless or not, the better. You, me, all the parents here, we will all be gone someday. It's better for our difficult adult children to learn now rather than later. Imagine an 85 year old woman who has a 60 year old difficult child still living at home.</p><p></p><p>While I'm sure there is some truth here, there can also be some manipulation. Our difficult adult children can be very good at telling us "scary" things. They know they can count on our emotions to cause fear and to swoop in and protect them.</p><p></p><p>You do not owe her any kind of explanation for the rules of your home. If she doesn't like them then she can leave. If it were me my response to this text would be <em>"Our house, our rules, take it or leave it, no one is forcing you to stay here" </em>The last thing I would do is engage in a conversation where you are defending your rules. Again, you do not owe her any kind of explanation.</p><p></p><p>I agree with [USER=1550]@SomewhereOutThere[/USER], seek out Al-Anon for some help. There are also resources at NAMI</p><p><a href="https://www.nami.org/" target="_blank">NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness</a></p><p></p><p>Most of all take care of YOU! It can be so exhausting dealing with the chaos and drama of our difficult adult children that we forget to take care of ourselves. Each day, do one special thing just for you. It's not selfish, it's selfcare.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted on how things are going.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you.....................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 715042, member: 18516"] Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Your story is a familiar one. Here's the thing, if she doesn't like your rules then she is free to leave. I do not think your rules are out of line at all considering what you have shared about her. I'm glad you did these things. Something I suggest you think about is the fact that you had to do these things. Is this the way you want to live? Having to hide things in your own home, the home you and your husband worked so hard for is not a good way to live. Your home should be a sanctuary, a place of peace, a place of security. The only thing I would add to this is you need to be very specific. I would suggest writing it down like a contract and ask her to sign it. This way if things don't work out she can't come back and say "you didn't tell me that" I used to feel the same way about my son being homeless but I have learned that homeless people actually network together. No, it's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself but my son and many others manage just fine. The main thing to remember here is that being homeless is a choice they make. Your daughter is 25, you should not have to take care of her. In fact, the longer we "help" our difficult adult children the harder it will be for them. The sooner they can figure out how to live on their own, homeless or not, the better. You, me, all the parents here, we will all be gone someday. It's better for our difficult adult children to learn now rather than later. Imagine an 85 year old woman who has a 60 year old difficult child still living at home. While I'm sure there is some truth here, there can also be some manipulation. Our difficult adult children can be very good at telling us "scary" things. They know they can count on our emotions to cause fear and to swoop in and protect them. You do not owe her any kind of explanation for the rules of your home. If she doesn't like them then she can leave. If it were me my response to this text would be [I]"Our house, our rules, take it or leave it, no one is forcing you to stay here" [/I]The last thing I would do is engage in a conversation where you are defending your rules. Again, you do not owe her any kind of explanation. I agree with [USER=1550]@SomewhereOutThere[/USER], seek out Al-Anon for some help. There are also resources at NAMI [URL="https://www.nami.org/"]NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness[/URL] Most of all take care of YOU! It can be so exhausting dealing with the chaos and drama of our difficult adult children that we forget to take care of ourselves. Each day, do one special thing just for you. It's not selfish, it's selfcare. Keep us posted on how things are going. ((HUGS)) to you..................... [/QUOTE]
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