So when will the numbness wear off?

[Robinboots]

Having a hard time, I mean REALLY hard, getting into the holiday spirit. Seems like we're finally near the end of the road; DS17 is just a year away from "adulthood", back from foster care, on medications...but still on probation. He did fail every.single.class at community college this fall, and has run a few bank accounts into negative numbers. Still have to deal with those things I suppose.

I felt this coming the first of December. TG was okay, but then...pphhhtttt. So I planned a party, it was this past Monday. Got busy with that, shopping, baking, decorating. The party was great, had about 25 people here, good food, good wine! Now...pphhhttttt.

I guess maybe I held it together for so long and now I can't? Or don't want to? Oh, I'm still doing what HAS to be done, but my heart's not in it...I don't care, or don't "feel" like doing much at all.

So what's up with this?

 

[tiredmommy]

It may be that you have tried too hard for too long and can't keep it going. Or you may be a little depressed. Or, perhaps, you've put such high expectations on the holidays to bring you happiness that you are feeling very unfilled.

{{{Hugs}}}

It may be time to change how you think about the holidays. Many of us feel let down and hollowed out after holidays and other special occasions because they highlight our frustrations and insecurities. Few of us have kodak or hallmark moments to carry us through the rough times. But, truth be told, most people have problems a lot of the time just like we do. But at least we have each other.

So what is the answer? For me, I create whatever memories I can but try to keep things simple at the same time. I think of the universal reasons behind each holiday or occasion. It helps me to keep some perspective.

Reaching out to help others can help me feel connected and like I'm part of something bigger than myself and my problems. It gives me a chance to see the big picture.

And I try to do things just for me, small things usually. Like painting my toenails a funky color. Or stealing a few minutes to read a magazine. Or I wear pj's all day if I'm not going out just because I can. Because it's okay for me to treat myself kindly. It helps recharge me.

I'm sure others will be along to offer support and advice but it may be pretty quiet tonight.

 

[Robinboots]

I think it's the first. And the second, which stems from the first! No expectations really, a little disappointed that my daughter won't be here but she had money issues due to car issues. But my SD and her husband and the Gbaby will be here tomorrow!

I just hope I can garner some interest in something after tomorrow....

 

[Star*]

Dear Bootsie,

Ahhhh I can hear the soft echoing music singing "Greater Expectations" in the background of your mind. WHAT MUST BE WRONG WITH ME? I'm not in the holiday spirit? I'm not wanting to trim the tree, deck the halls, wrap a gift, sing a carol, fah la la a la. I am broken. I AM THE Charlie Brown Christmas tree without the Linus blanket. I am the manger scene without a donkey. (tell you about that later) I am the woman who has had the red licked off her candy cane......(gasp) I AM.....(insert dramatic music - dat dahhh dahhhhhhh) THE GRINCH.

Nah - You're just the tired, the weary, the huddled woman. You know the one that wants to just stay hovered over the eggnog punch bowl with the bottle of Captain Morgan - sans the eggnog, go to her bedroom, un-draw open the shutters, un-draw the sash, crawl into her kerchief & cap..and settle down for a long, long, long, long, long Winters nap....like about three or four months...(Captain Morgan optional) and just forget about things like kids, bills, housework, putting gas in the car, shopping for groceries, cooking, baking, mundane work, the commute, feeding the animals, trying to keep the smiley face to the world when you feel like this and would like to drop kick frosty the snow man across the lawn and swear if you hear the Twelve Days of Christmas one more time you're going to need a barf bag. Why? Good question.

Stress has a lot to do with it. There are so many kinds that most of us have no idea we live WITH day to day and swallow that if we ever get the chance to live without we are amazed that we did what we did - I mean AMAZED to the point of thinking .."WOW was I awesome or what?" Then you think to yourself...."Wow was I awesome or stupi-t?" ??? Then guilt sets in, and should-a, would-a, could-a creeps up on us....and WHAM full blown depression and the next thing you know we're back to ANOTHER feeling of complete failure. Should is a word we could all do without. Eliminating it from your vocabulary will literally set you free from a lot of things - especially guilt. If you could have done it better - when you made decisions to do what you did - you would have done it that way.

As far as Christmas - It seems for a lot of people it becomes almost like an olympic event. Swear. It's like you have to get a Gold, Silver or Bronze in all the Holiday Events. Baking - Yup. WHO makes the best cookies, who makes them with their children. Who makes them look like Martha Stewarts magazine cover - so perfect with the little silver balls and fondant icing (seriously can you eat that crud without a trip to the dentist?) and then there's the perky person who gets the GOLD for baking for tons of others....and delivering them in the colorful tins to all the people she knows at the bank, grocery, pharmacy. UGH. I'm doing good to take Walmart cookies out of a box, slap them on a tray from Kmart and cover them with decorative plastic wrap IF I can find any this time of year and NOT let them slide off my front seat or forget to NOT set them down on the coffee table while I start my car...and the DOGS eat them. THAT is what I get a gold medal for - (announcing this years Gold medal winner in NO DOG ATE HER COOKIES CAUSE SHE REMEMBERED NOT TO LEAVE THE PLATTER ON THE COFFEE TABLE) 000hhhh yes it happened. oh and I got the evil look from my DF (dear fiance) because the baby puppy....OH is she cute...well with all that sugar? she never slept. Noppppppe. Just ran around all night long like her hiney was a motor and I poured jet fuel into it. vvrrrroom...vrrrrrrrrrrrreooooooooooommmm......Nnnneeeeeeeeorrrrrrrrrooom....Watch me....I can go reaaaaaaaaly fast......Talk about ADHD....Dang.

Then there is finding the PERFECT gift event. And with a difficult child it's magnified like a billion times because you WANT to get them a gift....but then? Well (scratches head, exhales and rolls eyes) YOU KNOW they are going to sabotage the day, the week ahead and you have a nice present in the closet, the layaway or under the bed ----wrapped...and of course they BLOW up, and ruin it and you want to GIVE them the nice gift you got because YOU have a lovely heart and it is the season of giving and you managed to give him something out of your hard earned money - then he breaks stuff, ruins stuff, and you know sure as God is in that manger - if you give him that Wii - he's going to break it in a temper tantrum, take it apart, trade it in a month...and you think "WHY BOTHER?" .....so defeated you take the Bronze in present giving....while everyone else sits in the mall and talks over you about THE PERFECT GIFT. Well not this year honey - I got the perfect gift. I put him on a train and said "HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY." and I'm having a peaceful week alone. He wanted to have the gold.....he got it. I wanted to have him here....he wanted to be with his Daddy. Fine.....Dad's a jerk.....GO FOR IT. I'm not wrong either -We gave him his computer system and before he left for the train? We found the computer unhooked and laying on it's side under a pile of clothes 1o minutes after he got it. Coincidence? Gold to bronze? I think not.

Then there is tree trimming event. yeah I love this. It starts out to BE a family event and what it ends up to be is like the 4th leg of the 440 relay - you're truly all alone. Also when you put the tree AWAY? You are all alone......except you're running the entire MILE....ALONE.....How much fun is anticipating THAT? (Not much) and how long does all that HAPPY HAPPY Christmas sit in the hall waiting to go to the attic? So no stress there huh?

And lets not forget the Christmas DINNER.....Who shops, buys, unloads the car, puts it away, cooks, plans, serves, cleans? (tapping finger waiting for an answer here Bootsy) Could it be........(mmmmm YOU?)

How about 364 days a year....It's you. You....YOU.......YOU.....dealing with life, every day stress, AND for kicks almost every month BUT August (great Month - MY birthday ----write that down....) there is some HOLIDAY to mess stuff up....that SAYS.....YOU MUST....and it starts our stress all over again. Nope...NADA.

I have enough stress every single day of my every day life....you add in a difficult child, his bulllllllllllll.....ohhhhhhh.....kneeeeee....and then bills, gas prices, a boss that does this. (okay that's what I hear) and all the other junk that woment have to ENDURE - that time of the month, saggy body parts, frizzy hair, zits at OVER 40 - i MEAN come on, A SON who brings another puppy home, the stress of kids alone, then hand me one that's mentally ill for crying out loud, a flat tire, a jerky neighbor, a new cell phone that butt dials, prices of cereal, dog food on the floor in bare feet, dog piddle with new socks (nice), and then just for fun....toss in a Holiday where I feel like I'm never going to be good enough to get even a stainless steel medal let alone a bronze one?

And you want to know when the numbness will wear off????

Sista'.......pass the Captain Morgan this way.....(motions with silly flailing arm movements) WHO would WANT the numbness to wear off??? I think somedays that and being a witch is the only thing that keeps me going.

Ah but seriously? Try.....being a little less concerned with it all....and honestly lower the expectations you have and just do what you can do. It's not failing, it's not even lowering.....it's attaining a goal that is within reach for now. Small successes are what give us the ability to move forward and (to quote the Rudolph show) Put one foot in front of the other....and soon you'll be walking out the door.

It's okay if you don't have any Christmas Spirit. I have enough for 10 of us....and when you are ready? I'll throw some at you...or sprinkle it....or wish it for you madly.....YOU HAVE FRIENDS that care now. (And are just so dang understanding) .......(hands gold medal for friendship) ----see there? Ya got one already!

MERRY CHRISTMAS< FESTIVUS, CHANUKAH, BOOTSY DAY!
(that last one? I made up just for you) ----say it like Forrest Gump.

Hugs & Love & BOATLOADS of Spirit being wished for you.
---Just don't know why the rum is ALWAYS gone. (said like Captain Jack Sparrow)

Star....

 

[Robinboots]

Wow! Did I need that or what???? You are aMAzing, and I'm going to print this and read it every.single.day!!

I'll write more later, but Santa's due any minute and I have to get to bed - *I* am not planning on getting coal in my stocking!

[[hugs back]]

 

[timer lady]

After difficult child arriving home from foster care I'd want to celebrate as well. But I'd have to guess this past year has been he!! on wheels & that you haven't digested all that needs to be.

I'd bet you haven't been very self caring - likely no time. Throw in a very materialistic, "Martha Stewart" expectation holiday & I go ballistic.

Make your day a simple one. Enjoy the weekend with a good book or watching movies. It's about family - not all the gifts, parties, cookies, cocktails, family expectations, etc. It's about family, just as we are - warts & all.

Throw out your traditional today & make a pot of chili with a loaf of bread & do the holiday fixings on New Year's Day.

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[Marguerite]

Ya know how my husband is really into steam rtains? Little ones, scale models (almost) that run on mini coal fires in their bellies, driving round the train track drawing loads of people astride carriages behind?

Well, he had a thought. How bad did he have to be, for Santa to give him coal?

There are many ways to look at the same problem.

Hang in there. Christmas is one of the worst times of the yer for people who have any form of depression. Especially if it's also winter, but even here in Australia, the land of summer Christmas, we have a lot of people who suffer from depression at Christmas time.

And Star - if I ever get to meet you in person, we're going to sit and have a mutual mentally-stimulating writing workshop. I think we'd have a load of fun working on our writing together. We have someone in our writing group (occasionally - when she's not backpacking around the world) who is a lot like you. She turns our meetings completely upside down and we love her for it. The previous president calls her "the beast" lovingly. Current president is a stick-in-the-mud who is going to have trouble controlling "the beast" - I'm going to enjoy watching, it will be loads of fun!

Marg

 

[Robinboots]

FINALLY, yesterday was done, everyone left, and I took a nap. Did not want to do a THING in the evening, so I didn't. So there, lol!

Spent the day cleaning up around the house; DS went to work, both jobs, with just a 30-minute break in-between. But I'm also dealing with a major fibro attack, so not feeling the love...again.

Sigh. Def. some depression kicking in...I really just want to sleep or lie in bed for a few days. Just a few, ya know? And husband, bless his heart, said he'd do whatever I needed done - but I don't even feel like figuring that out! Like tonight, he jumped up when I went downstairs for laundry, and carried an armful upstairs...but couldn't manage to put it in the linen closet??? ARRRGH!

 

[Star*]

Rome was not built in a day.....

The linen closet does not have to be stocked in a day either.

Grab the Rum and meet me on the back porch! -----

...the rum COULD be drank in a day.

 

[Robinboots]

Hmmm. I do like rum...and wine. Well, not together! Or maybe together....

It wasn't really the stocking, it was more like - you could carry it upstairs, but just left it on the bed, couldn't walk 10 more feet and open a door?? He made it up, mostly, the next day - brought me some Starbucks peppermint hot chocolate, which is to.die.for! And pretty much I did nothing all day...again.

However, I have a bit of inspiration this morning...so far...and have made a list. We'll see how far I get!

Big project is to work up a plan for DS, since he will, indeed be 18 in a year. Then share it with him. Fun, fun.

 

[Star*]

I've never had Peppermint rum wine hot chocolate - but I like how you think.

Wickit! - Sounds like rocket fuel to me.

(actually it sounds like a recipe for cleaning the floor - whenever you're able to get up off of it - while you're down there you'll probably see all kinds of things that you wouldn't normally see standing up that you'd want a little cleaner)

Glad your today is a bit better and I like the list idea. Even if it says - get to the door, walk outside, get to the mailbox and you cross off 3 things? It's a sense of accomplishment that propels us forward!! Good job! (do you want a cookie or a medal?) lol

 

[Robinboots]

Cookie, please! With rum, preferably....

Mayhap I spoke too soon. I mean, really, does it get any better than THIS??

This afternoon, after telling GFG17 - there, I used the proper acronym, took me long enough, huh? - "no" he couldn't go hang with his former foster parents and "no" they would not continue to pay for his phone, I was accused of:

Being delusional, heartless, a horrible mother, playing favorites, being mean, being lazy, not considering education important, not caring, needing medications, needing a psychiatric evaluation, lying to everyone, and trying to turn people against each other.

Dang, I must be busy, busy, busy!

I responded a bit, at first, completely calm and cool. When I started to lose it, I told him to go to his room. Of course, he refused, several times. Then I moved on to ignoring him and continuing to work. Naturally, he then insulted my work - I'm a writer - and referred to it as "cr*p full of lies" or something like that. Thankfully, my DD23 called and when I answered and began talking to her, he either ran out of steam or got bored. The end.

Now, what to do??

He continues to lie about school - said he never got his grades, when I know darn good and well he flunked all 4 classes. Said the financial aid letter from a couple days ago was just to tell him his Pell Grant would be in in a few days - and I know it said he wasn't getting squat because of his grades. Lied today about his bank accounts too - said they were all in good standing, and that he only had them at two banks. Right - one at Bank 1 has $1.57, that much is true; the others at Bank 2 are overdrawn by $500 or so; and his school debit card is overdrawn by about $200. I didn't even mention that one. AND he neglected to tell me about an online account - I have no idea of the details, just that he told PayPal he had one at that bank. Probably doesn't really. Who knows?

husband wants to take the car - I seriously doubt if he has the payment anyway, which is due Friday. I just don't want more trouble, that is, trouble with him here. Thankfully, if he does take off, at 17 we don't have to report him as missing or a runaway. Yeehaw, thank God for small favors! I actually gave him that option earlier, vs. going to his room.

Just shoot me....

 

[Robinboots]

I should add that he also said he HAS been taking his medications and COULD HAVE washed them down the sink.

On other occasions, he's said things like "some kids ordered tasers" and it turned out to be him; or "some kids did such-and-such" or "I thought about such-and-such" and it turned to be him or he did.

Said his still being a jerk "proves" that the medications don't work. *I* think that the medications need to be increased - he's on .5 Risperdal and he's 6 foot tall and weighs about 210. While we saw immediate improvement, it's waning after 12 days (supposedly) on them.

Thoughts?

 

[Marguerite]

Being delusional, heartless, a horrible mother, playing favorites, being mean, being lazy, not considering education important, not caring, needing medications, needing a psychiatric evaluation, lying to everyone, and trying to turn people against each other.

People like that take the easiest option when they accuse - they generally accuse others of the things they're guilty of themselves. So listen when he says mean things to you and use it as a roadmap to what he has really been up to.

As for him claiming certain things when you know different - it's time then to call him on it.
Funny that the school never gave you your grades - I was told that you failed. Now why would they tell me and not you?"

Marg

 

[Robinboots]

See, I'm torn between calling him on it, which adds fuel to the fire, and just letting it go. Part of me is curious as to how far he'll take it - I mean, when classes are due to start, will he say that he's going? Or will it come to a head before that?

He works every evening this week, unfortunately my husband does too - from 6 am to 3 pm, then GFG17 leaves right when husband gets home. So I'm stuck here, with him. And DS12.

My SM showed up for dinner tonight, so at least we had a nice one and were spared further drama.

I do have a letter prepared too, for his former foster parents....

 

[Marguerite]

YOu ed to let him off the hook sooner rather than later. It helps for him to continue to think that you have eyes in the back of your head, that you know all. Also, the longer the lie continues, the worse he will be feeling and the more stupid decisions he is likely to make. It WILL escalate.

Good luck with this one.

Marg

 

[Robinboots]

Oh, he doesn't need my help making stupid decisions. And he'll escalate no matter what - I'm tired of second-guessing what will or what won't set him off. It doesn't seem to matter to him....

 

[Star*]

Hey Bootsey, (passes rum balls)

The most incredible things I find about being delusional, ridiculous, out of touch with reality, idiotic, dumb, and a plethora of other fanatical insults are the truth behind those statements. When the reality of the accusations sat-in? It became apparent to me exactly what a genius my son really was. His insight was keen beyond his years. I shall explain.

Every sentence starts with Mom (for posterity sake)

Dear Son -
"Mom you are....
Delusional...Why son, yes I am. To think that you can be a kind person for longer than the moment you are in or for attaining something of personal gain. For believing that you would actually see the benefit of taking your prescribed medications which could actually assist your chemically imbalanced body find balance, and allow you to perform as a rational human being and productive member of society without rages, lofty goals of becoming a six-figure income earner without as much as a GED, and potential career criminal when your #1 attributes are lying, stealing, and rudeness.

Ridiculous...Why son, yes I am. For continuing my daily hopes, and dreams that you will change despite the overwhelming odds and people who have either lived similar situations telling me it will never happen, change will never come until...I allow you to fall on your face and rip my heart out of my chest, or possibly watch you die.

Out of Touch With Reality...Well you live with someone who rants, and rages with no particular sequence, up moods, down moods, laughter, anger, stealing, snooping, threats one minute; begging for money the next. Telling me you need help, only for me to exhaust every single resource on the planet to do exactly that - then? Refuse all the help I worked tirelessly to obtain and throw it all back in my face. Who would be sane after living in a one man nut-hut?

Idiotic...Yup. Ask ANY of my friends who can objectively step back and look at how I am surviving your abuse. There is only one word. This is it. If you son, were asked to live with a friend who treated YOU like you treat me? This would be the word I would use as well.

Dumb...No not really. I'm a Mom. Simply put, I'll go anywhere, try anything, suffer through, survive, hang on, and love you because that's what we're told Mother's do. Then we come to the CD Board, and get educated and find out - it's okay to try, suffer, survive, hang on and love - but that love also means detaching and allowing you to make your own mistakes, and allowing myself the peace and quiet I deserve. That you don't get to hold me hostage in my own home that I've worked MY lifetime to make my own rules and have things MY way. Someday you'll have YOUR own home and you can make YOUR rules. To know that it's OKAY to toss you out on your bare behind with nothing more than your bad attitude and the clothes on your back - not your stereo, your Ipod, your fancy clothes, your DVD player, your video games, your bed, you comfort items and tell you - WHOT YOU DON"T LIKE IT? Tough. To be okay with that decision and begin to read Suz's detachment 101 in the CD archives and print them out and read them a lot, a lot, a lot. I've earned that. You have earned nothing, not my respect, not to live under my roof, not to have a single meal with me, not to borrow money, not to scream at me, threaten me. Just who do you think you are? If you were a stranger and you raised your hand to me do you think I'd walk away? If you were a person in the Walmart parking lot and you screamed at me like you do in my hall and broke my things or stole my possessions out of my purse would I just look the other way? Not likely - so WHY do I make exceptions for you? Because you're my son, or because I just don't want the hassle? Maybe you have a point about being dumb; however I'm still your Mother and even God says you should honor me. I've done the best I knew how, not my worst. Should have counted for something.

So now I'm going to show you something very smart. You're free to go, do and make your own decisions. You are on your own. I wish you well.

Love,
Your delusional, ridiculous, out-of-touch, idiotic, dumb Mom.

p.s. Please don't humble yourself by coming to me and saying something like you're sorry, or can't we wipe the slate clean. I don't want you to. I want you to experience life, other people, other places and really get a taste of what you think you've been missing out from the tyrany under my roof.

 

[Robinboots]

Perfect. Just perfect!

Today we had a good day. He did everything he was asked, was mostly helpful to DS12, and ran errands with us, being pleasant and helpful and didn't even freak when I said "no". Then we sat down and had a long talk about work, budgeting, cell phones, etc.

Of course, he's still lying, still insisting that his grades and classes are just fine and dandy, that he owes no money and his bank accounts are in order.

One day at a time, one day at a time....

I am, however, out of the "good" wine...and the rum balls....