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So why do we (or in this case I) miss abusive people? I don't get it.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 627135" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>For me MWM, with so many wounded people in my family, so much mental illness, I have had to make choices to keep myself away in many cases because I have no defenses for the skewered thinking and unnecessary cruelties. But they are my siblings, I recall our childhoods together and I miss that. I wish it were different, but my wishes don't make it reality.</p><p></p><p>With other people whom I'm not related to, I think there are parts of people I really care about, but in some cases there were other parts which were harmful to me so I had to gauge which side was weightier, the harmful side or the beneficial one. We all have personality traits that are less then stellar, however......some connections are just not healthy for me. It doesn't mean I don't miss those folks, because I do. I just had to make a choice for my own well being. It's one of those paradoxes that we have to learn to live within, life just isn't black and white, we mostly live in the grey area. In the grey area, relationships are often vehicles for our growth, where we learn how to love ourselves and love another and that forces choices like the one you're engaged in now.</p><p></p><p>I also believe we stay in some relationships to learn lessons. Perhaps sometimes to learn that we need to say no, or we need to set boundaries or we need to remove ourselves completely. I once read that when you are on a spiritual path, you keep on changing and growing and because of that you must continually "weed your spiritual garden." Some relationships are casualties of our own growth, and it becomes apparent that we need to bless that connection and move away. I've made that choice often over many years. </p><p></p><p>It's not easy to remove ourselves from dysfunctional relationships. When we love someone all of those boundaries get messy and unclear. If your commitment is to have a peaceful life and your sister continually disrupts that, for me, it would force me to address that</p><p></p><p>Everything you have told us about her points to someone who has very little regard for your well being and in fact she has acted in cruel ways. You don't deserve that, that seems unacceptable. And since she doesn't sound like someone who can listen and hear you, she has made it almost impossible for you to work through this and come to some solution that works for you as well as her. She has you backed into a corner with her controlling issues and offers no options for resolutions. You're in a catch 22. </p><p></p><p>Recently I went through ending 2 very old relationships I had for decades. My short take on it is that I had grown to a point where some of the ways in which we were connected were not good for me, in fact it was hurtful. I hadn't been able to see it before but once I popped out of my inability to see it, it became obvious and then I was in a position of choice. Do I stay and try to suck it up? Do I communicate what I see and try to work it out? If I can't change it, what do I do? I couldn't change it and the behavior was mostly out of the awareness of the parties involved which meant it would continue, and continue hurting me. I felt I had to exit. It was very, very hard. I love these people. I made a very difficult choice. Once I became aware of certain truths, I couldn't <u>not </u>know them, once I knew them, I had to make a choice. </p><p></p><p>Hard as those choices can be, I look at it like that person is a teacher for me. They taught me to love myself enough to not allow bad behavior, to not allow disrespect, to remove myself from toxic connections and place myself in ones where I am loved in the way I deserve and desire to be loved. I read once that our greatest teachers are often our greatest adversaries. That makes sense to me. </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry MWM, you appear to be in a place where you can't make this into what you would like it to be. That puts you in a challenging place. Sending you lots of good thoughts and hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 627135, member: 13542"] For me MWM, with so many wounded people in my family, so much mental illness, I have had to make choices to keep myself away in many cases because I have no defenses for the skewered thinking and unnecessary cruelties. But they are my siblings, I recall our childhoods together and I miss that. I wish it were different, but my wishes don't make it reality. With other people whom I'm not related to, I think there are parts of people I really care about, but in some cases there were other parts which were harmful to me so I had to gauge which side was weightier, the harmful side or the beneficial one. We all have personality traits that are less then stellar, however......some connections are just not healthy for me. It doesn't mean I don't miss those folks, because I do. I just had to make a choice for my own well being. It's one of those paradoxes that we have to learn to live within, life just isn't black and white, we mostly live in the grey area. In the grey area, relationships are often vehicles for our growth, where we learn how to love ourselves and love another and that forces choices like the one you're engaged in now. I also believe we stay in some relationships to learn lessons. Perhaps sometimes to learn that we need to say no, or we need to set boundaries or we need to remove ourselves completely. I once read that when you are on a spiritual path, you keep on changing and growing and because of that you must continually "weed your spiritual garden." Some relationships are casualties of our own growth, and it becomes apparent that we need to bless that connection and move away. I've made that choice often over many years. It's not easy to remove ourselves from dysfunctional relationships. When we love someone all of those boundaries get messy and unclear. If your commitment is to have a peaceful life and your sister continually disrupts that, for me, it would force me to address that Everything you have told us about her points to someone who has very little regard for your well being and in fact she has acted in cruel ways. You don't deserve that, that seems unacceptable. And since she doesn't sound like someone who can listen and hear you, she has made it almost impossible for you to work through this and come to some solution that works for you as well as her. She has you backed into a corner with her controlling issues and offers no options for resolutions. You're in a catch 22. Recently I went through ending 2 very old relationships I had for decades. My short take on it is that I had grown to a point where some of the ways in which we were connected were not good for me, in fact it was hurtful. I hadn't been able to see it before but once I popped out of my inability to see it, it became obvious and then I was in a position of choice. Do I stay and try to suck it up? Do I communicate what I see and try to work it out? If I can't change it, what do I do? I couldn't change it and the behavior was mostly out of the awareness of the parties involved which meant it would continue, and continue hurting me. I felt I had to exit. It was very, very hard. I love these people. I made a very difficult choice. Once I became aware of certain truths, I couldn't [U]not [/U]know them, once I knew them, I had to make a choice. Hard as those choices can be, I look at it like that person is a teacher for me. They taught me to love myself enough to not allow bad behavior, to not allow disrespect, to remove myself from toxic connections and place myself in ones where I am loved in the way I deserve and desire to be loved. I read once that our greatest teachers are often our greatest adversaries. That makes sense to me. I'm sorry MWM, you appear to be in a place where you can't make this into what you would like it to be. That puts you in a challenging place. Sending you lots of good thoughts and hugs. [/QUOTE]
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So why do we (or in this case I) miss abusive people? I don't get it.
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