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So why do we (or in this case I) miss abusive people? I don't get it.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 627150" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Thanks to all three of you. Very very helpful to me. I have to take my power back in this relationship. I actually feel, from having experienced both, that it is more cruel to come back, state good intentions, then repeat a cycle of abuse and emotional cut off (which is why nothing can be resolved. As soon as I try, there's a long painful cut off in which she will not even read a letter I write or a text)....I think it is kinder to just cut somebody off for good. Believe it or not, you can heal from that. You can not heal while still engaged. </p><p></p><p>Paws, great analogy. Every time she comes back, like the abusive husband does, I have hope that this time it will be different and this time she will not do the emotional cut off. And every time it's good for a while. And then every time she does it again. Like the battered wife who loves the husband anyway, I keep telling myself "It will be different this time."</p><p></p><p>RE, everything you said resonated. I too come from a world of mental illness, mostly personality disorders, which I have learned so much about because I didn't want to turn into the others. I saw it at a very young age. I saw it to the extent that during my pregnancy, in a psychiatric hospital for depression, I swore I'd never give birth again and worried that my child would suffer from the DNA disease in my DNA collection. He does. But as hard as he is to handle at times, it is harder to deal with my sister. My son doesn't do emotional cutoffs and is capable of forgetting something that made him angry by the next day. He acts like it didn't happen, which is easier for me to handle than my sister's forever grudges. </p><p></p><p>LucyJ, I sooooooooooooooooo relate to you and your mom. My mom cut me off (a family trait) because my grandma, who was another trouble maker, said she was going to leave my biological son money and not her too adopted grandchildren and she wanted ME to be sure he got the money. I told her Iwould divide the money three ways between him, Scott and Julie. Or I told her to get somebody else to do it. She picked my mother who was resentful of having to pay taxes on this money. Oh, well. I told my grandmother while she was alive that I was not going to participate in that form of favoritism and hurt my other kids. It wasn't even a lot of money...,$5000. I just wasn't going to play that game.</p><p></p><p>In the end my mother got sick of paying a small tax on the money, gave it to me, and I split it three ways. She was so livid that I didn't "Do what your grandmother wanted" that she never called me again. She never spoke to me again unless I called her and then she was cold and b****chy. I kept trying because I believe in karma and that you try to make up in this life so you don't have to do it in the next. She got loving cards frome me. I even took the blame for what was wrong in our relationship just to hope for a resolution. She died and had disinherited me. I look back and think that I should have let her do the cut off and, in accordance with my beliefs, waited until the next life to make amends because I believe people "see" more once they have crossed over. It never happened that she ever saw my point of view. Like my sister, she would say, "I'm not going to talk about it. I'll hang up."</p><p></p><p>I wasted times of my life I can't get back.</p><p></p><p>My sister's only difference is that she claims to want to have a relationship with me, but it never works out. There is nothing I can do if she won't talk about it with an open mind or ever believe she has maybe taken a wrong stand. She is like my mother in many ways. One thing that really hurts, although I have put it in the past, is that she never once, nor did my brother, ever stop my mother from her mean cut off and say, "Pam is pretty nice. I don't agree with how you are treating her." Both claim it was none of their business. Well, that's true. But I would have done that (shrug). I mean, if she was hating on my sister or brother she would not have been able to do that in my hearing. The few times I tried to talk about that she evades by saying, "We have different memories of what happened. I won't talk about it."</p><p></p><p>And that's the bottom line. In my family you don't talk about it. You can't. They will not listen. They will disregard and toss heartfelt letters in the trash. They will delete texts and not read them. Until they want to come back, IF they want to come back, you are a nobody and you can't do the normal stuff people do to try to fix relationships because you get an emotional cutoff. You can't make it better if you won't discuss it.</p><p></p><p>Here is an article on emotional cutting off. I didn't know it had a name. And thanks to all of you for the help. Any others can chime in. I can use all the input I can get. After reading about emotional cutting off, I realize that this is how my DNA connections deal with one another. Every single one of them, except me. And I had no choice when I was cut off. I wasn't an angel, but I always wanted to try to solve things....</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.isaacbutterworth.com/emotional-cutoff-in-bowen-theory/" target="_blank">http://www.isaacbutterworth.com/emotional-cutoff-in-bowen-theory/</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 627150, member: 1550"] Thanks to all three of you. Very very helpful to me. I have to take my power back in this relationship. I actually feel, from having experienced both, that it is more cruel to come back, state good intentions, then repeat a cycle of abuse and emotional cut off (which is why nothing can be resolved. As soon as I try, there's a long painful cut off in which she will not even read a letter I write or a text)....I think it is kinder to just cut somebody off for good. Believe it or not, you can heal from that. You can not heal while still engaged. Paws, great analogy. Every time she comes back, like the abusive husband does, I have hope that this time it will be different and this time she will not do the emotional cut off. And every time it's good for a while. And then every time she does it again. Like the battered wife who loves the husband anyway, I keep telling myself "It will be different this time." RE, everything you said resonated. I too come from a world of mental illness, mostly personality disorders, which I have learned so much about because I didn't want to turn into the others. I saw it at a very young age. I saw it to the extent that during my pregnancy, in a psychiatric hospital for depression, I swore I'd never give birth again and worried that my child would suffer from the DNA disease in my DNA collection. He does. But as hard as he is to handle at times, it is harder to deal with my sister. My son doesn't do emotional cutoffs and is capable of forgetting something that made him angry by the next day. He acts like it didn't happen, which is easier for me to handle than my sister's forever grudges. LucyJ, I sooooooooooooooooo relate to you and your mom. My mom cut me off (a family trait) because my grandma, who was another trouble maker, said she was going to leave my biological son money and not her too adopted grandchildren and she wanted ME to be sure he got the money. I told her Iwould divide the money three ways between him, Scott and Julie. Or I told her to get somebody else to do it. She picked my mother who was resentful of having to pay taxes on this money. Oh, well. I told my grandmother while she was alive that I was not going to participate in that form of favoritism and hurt my other kids. It wasn't even a lot of money...,$5000. I just wasn't going to play that game. In the end my mother got sick of paying a small tax on the money, gave it to me, and I split it three ways. She was so livid that I didn't "Do what your grandmother wanted" that she never called me again. She never spoke to me again unless I called her and then she was cold and b****chy. I kept trying because I believe in karma and that you try to make up in this life so you don't have to do it in the next. She got loving cards frome me. I even took the blame for what was wrong in our relationship just to hope for a resolution. She died and had disinherited me. I look back and think that I should have let her do the cut off and, in accordance with my beliefs, waited until the next life to make amends because I believe people "see" more once they have crossed over. It never happened that she ever saw my point of view. Like my sister, she would say, "I'm not going to talk about it. I'll hang up." I wasted times of my life I can't get back. My sister's only difference is that she claims to want to have a relationship with me, but it never works out. There is nothing I can do if she won't talk about it with an open mind or ever believe she has maybe taken a wrong stand. She is like my mother in many ways. One thing that really hurts, although I have put it in the past, is that she never once, nor did my brother, ever stop my mother from her mean cut off and say, "Pam is pretty nice. I don't agree with how you are treating her." Both claim it was none of their business. Well, that's true. But I would have done that (shrug). I mean, if she was hating on my sister or brother she would not have been able to do that in my hearing. The few times I tried to talk about that she evades by saying, "We have different memories of what happened. I won't talk about it." And that's the bottom line. In my family you don't talk about it. You can't. They will not listen. They will disregard and toss heartfelt letters in the trash. They will delete texts and not read them. Until they want to come back, IF they want to come back, you are a nobody and you can't do the normal stuff people do to try to fix relationships because you get an emotional cutoff. You can't make it better if you won't discuss it. Here is an article on emotional cutting off. I didn't know it had a name. And thanks to all of you for the help. Any others can chime in. I can use all the input I can get. After reading about emotional cutting off, I realize that this is how my DNA connections deal with one another. Every single one of them, except me. And I had no choice when I was cut off. I wasn't an angel, but I always wanted to try to solve things.... [url]http://www.isaacbutterworth.com/emotional-cutoff-in-bowen-theory/[/url] [/QUOTE]
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So why do we (or in this case I) miss abusive people? I don't get it.
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