So worried about him now -am I a bad mom?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mog, Apr 30, 2012.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    yesterday I asked difficult child to go to church with us and told him that after we would go for a ride up to the river where I used to take them when he was a kid and he didn't want to get to go. We went to church then decided to come home have lunch then ran errands. I made bbq chicken on the gril with baked potatoe and salad. difficult child ended up going to church with my nephew and I was happy about that. Then when they came home we ate and watched a movie. difficult child went back to his room and I i yelled for him to come help clean up and he starting yelling at me that I am lazy and why do he, his dad and my nephew have to do all the work. I yelled back telling him that is bull****. I clean house alone on Saturday while he slept and I was the one the worked to earn the money for the food and the one that cooked it all so how am I the lazy one. He got in my face and tossed a chair, knocked over the computer monitor. I yelled at help to GET OUT and he said make me, your know that no body can make me! husband called the police and difficult child was giving them an earfull of bull**** but at the end the police officer asked him if he lives here and he said he does not calll this his residence. The cop asked me if I wanted him to leave and I said YES (to husband's surprise) so they escorted him off the property and took down the hill. I gave the officer 20 dollars for difficult child and made sure he took a jacket and cell phone with charger. The victim in me feels good that I PROVED TO HIM THAT IT IS MY HOUSE NOT HIS AND I DON'T HAVE TO LET HIM STAY HERE but worried about the repercussions if he tries to come back when we are not home.

    But the mommy in me is worried sick about where he is, How will he have money to eat, who he is with -where will he sleep. How is he going to get to court next week? ugh did I make a mistake making him leave
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You did the right thing. Just because he's your son doesn't mean you have to take his abuse. If he can't act civil while in the home, he simply doesn't need to be there. The rest is HIS problem to worry about. Maybe learning to worry about that will help him do some hard core growing up.

    If it had been me........he'd have left with nothing after behaving that way. But still, you did good, be proud of yourself. Yeah, you're going to worry, but try to distract yourself doing other things, especially something you enjoy. These are HIS worries, not yours.
  3. Mog - I really understand your worry. My 16 year old difficult child has been gone for a month now. I know where he is and he is safe and being fed at his girlfriend's house but it's still hard. He didn't get to take his phone and I know he is broke - he tells me every time I talk to him.

    You're not a bad mom. We have had so many similar arguments in our home. I hope he gets the message and realizes that you have the right to set the rules in your home and have your home run the way YOU choose for it to be run, not him.

    Big hugs to you! I hope he is a quick learner.
  4. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Way to go, Mog. You did the right thing. He needed to hear those words from you. You are a wonderful mom and are helping your difficult child. Hugs to you.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I understand your worry. I really do. It's what you're used to. But your son is disrespectful and does not contribute to your household. Stop worrying about him. When he's cold or hungry, you'll hear from him. In the meantime someone else is putting up with him. That won't last long. When no one is propping him up, he'll have to figure it out for himself. Let him learn to stand on his own.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mog...that was great! good for you. Now do not let yourself worry about him. he will find himself somewhere to stay, these kids always do. He will not end up under a bridge in a cardboard box. You cannot continue letting him abuse you this way. This is the time he has to stay out now that he has put himself out. Do not let him back in. Not even for one night.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sweetie, he is a 19yo MAN. You cannot force him to take medications, go to school, work, see a doctor or go to court. If he is on bail under your name, go and revoke it. If you don't and he misses court, call the bail bondsman and tell them you want to help them get him and do that. Tehn call difficult child and tell him you have $$ for him and to meet you somewhere.

    DO NOT LET HIM IN YOUR HOME AGAIN. I know how 'mean' that sounds. But sweetie, you are an abused mother. Your child is abusing you.

    WHY is it that when our children are abusive, we feel that WE messed up and it is OUR fault? I know dang well, and you do too, that you taught him not to act that way and that we don't treat family that way. You would NOT let a plumber or friend or workman or ANYONE else back into your home who acted that way. How on earth will difficult child EVER learn to change this behavior if you don't show him that it is totally unacceptable and has very real consequences.

    When difficult child comes into the home, how do you feel? Does your heart beat faster, do you get nervous, tense, wait for the anger to start? Do you feel you are walking on eggshells? Is this the way you are supposed to feel around your child? How do you WANT to feel when difficult child is around you? Safe, loved, calm, happy? I know you don't feel that way - I have been there. How will difficult child EVER learn to not treat a loved one worse than he would treat a dog if you continue to allow him to treat you this way? Is this how you want his wife and children to feel around him? Or would you rather that they know he won't ever hurt them or abuse them? As moms, we feel it is our job to teach our children how to behave, how to be good husbands and fathers so that they will have great families. If you let difficult child stay in your home again, if you let him treat you like this, how will he treat his wife and children? How will he treat a boss or coworkers when they want him to work? What charges will he face then?

    I know you worry about him, that you love him and that it hurts to have him removed by the cops and to tell him he cannot be in your home. How much will it hurt to see or to know that he is treating your grandbaby this way when the baby wants a bottle or is crying because it wants a cuddle but he is 'busy' or tired? WOuld you rather hurt now while he is young and able to learn to behave differently, or would you rather hurt later thinking that you could have taken a stand now and maybe, just maybe kept that baby safe and feelng loved by giving your son the boot to the keister he needs to learn that he simply cannot treat people he loves this way? Right now you have his attention. Sure he is mad, but he knows deep down that he is the one in the wrong, even if he won't admit it to himself.

    Do you have a therapist? Please, if you don't, find one who can understand the situation. Print out this post and take it to the therapist and ask if you should have allowed the manchild to abuse you or if you should keep your boundary? by the way, if the therapist says to allow the abuse, RUN because she is an idiot. tonight, why not call a DV hotline and ask if this is DV. I know when people kept telling me that gfgbro was abusing me and my kids by saying similar things to me, and damaging my property and person, but no one but husband, my kids and I ever saw it, that talking to a stranger on the phone was a real wakeup call. The lady I spoke to asked me to name one person that it would be okay to have treat my daughter that way when she was the age I was at the time. That one question rocked my world, along with having heard my 2 babies crying in their sleep for their uncle to not hurt them or me, hearing them promise not to leave a shirt at my parents or leave any crumbs on the floor or counter. those things the same night were what I needed after everyone here got me to really SEE how my brother was abusing US. For years I said it was 'just me' and it was 'okay' because it would hurt my parents too much to cut him out of my life. I saw that night that my role as daughter was priority 4 after my role as mom, wife and person (not necessarily in that order though parent had to be #1 for me then), and it was a distant #4.

    I know some of how guilty you feel, and how hard that was. But this is a life lesson that difficult child NEEDS. If you cannot think of your safety in your home as your top priority, then maybe thinking of this as his need for this lesson having to be a higher priority than your pain might be a way to think of this to keep your resolve.

    What to do if difficult child comes by when you are not home? Call the cops. He does not live there, he was removed by the cops, he has no right to be there. If he destroys anything, then he needs more of a lesson. WHich means pressing charges.

    Court is NOT your responsibility. If he needs help remembering the date, he can call you, husband or the court to find out when it is. If he skips it, then HE will pay that penalty. YOU did NOT commit the crime that he is accused of, did you? He IS an adult, legally, isn't he? Being the parent of a 19yo is hard, but it is also a very differnt job in many ways than it was when he was younger than 18. Now you must do all you can to make him independent. I know he has problems, but they are NOt excuses for not taking care of HIS court date and HIS place to live and HIS behavior. Now your job is to step back and make sure that he gets the natural consequences for abusing you and yoru property, and that if he falls/fails, then he is the one who feels the pain of that CHOICE.

    I really want you to think of this as ALLOWiNG him to be a man. At this point if you indulge this behavior by allowing him to go with-o consequences, you are keeping him dependent on you and keeping him from becoming a man. That totally is NOT the goal of being the parent of an adult, even a young adult. Our job as parents, much as it can hoover, is to make sure they feel the pain of their bad decisions, and to make sure they see our pride and joy in their good decisions. Not being allowed to live at home after you attack your mother is the best possible gift you can give him.


    Yeah, I heard that. :wink:

    It really IS a gift. You allowed him to leave the property and not come home. You GAVE him the gift of a fairly gentle real world consequence. If difficult child had done this in another person's home or in a business or really anywhere else but mom's house, he would NOt have gotten escorted out with his phone, charger and cash. He would have gotten a place to stay, one with nice bars and LOTS of people to talk to. Jail. For assault, at least verbal, for property damage for pushing the monitor, and possibly another assault for throwing the chair even if it didn't hit anyone - attempted assault f ti didn't, plus another property damage for tossing the chair. That sure would have looked BAD in court for whatever he is already going for.

    this gives him a chance to learn that this behavior is NOT tolerated, and it gives him a chance to figure out how to support himself. That is a gift. It truly is. Independence is something that we all need, and this is a way for him to prove to himself that he can be. He also had the gift of not being beat up by the person who's home he was abusive in, who's property he damaged. I know people who would have shot, stabbed or bludgeoned him for throwing a chair and pushing a monitor over. He probably does too.So by being given a chance to CHOOSE to learn how to behave properly with-o criminal charges or returning his violence, you gave him a GIFT. The gift of adult consequences for behaving badly as an adult.

    in my opinion this makes you an AWESOME mom not a bad one. I know that difficult child won't agree, but be honest? How many times is difficult child rational and right about his behavior and choices? About anything that he doesn't want to do? He is a manchild and isn't yet an adult. the more you pamper and baby him and allow this behavior, the longer it will be before he becomes an adult. Give him the gift of allowing him to be an adult.

    PLEASE make sure you see a therapist about this. One trained in DV who can see clearly and will let you know that you totally did the right thing.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Susie is so absolutely dead on. I realize putting a grown child out is scary as all get out but when doing it you are setting him free do find his own skills. In years past, most kids were leaving home at 18 to either work, join the military or head off to college. It was unheard of for adult kids to just lay around their parents homes and mooch off them unless there was something really wrong with them...something much more wrong than what we are dealing with.

    When anyone becomes accustomed to treating the people that they are living with in that manner it is time for them to leave. It isnt doing them any good. You arent teaching him anything at that point. If he treats his boss in this way he will be fired without a doubt. If he treats his new landlord this way, he will be evicted in short order. Heaven help him if he treats a girlfriend likes this because he will be arrested for domestic violence.

    Your only hope right now is that he sees the light now. Yes you can do small things for him like give him small sacks of bread, pb, maybe some SPAM meat, I love viena sausages so those would be good, a cartoon of those individual fruits. Maybe just enough to last him a few days. Do not give him money. Include in the bag the names of shelters and food banks. Tell him he can go down and apply for food stamps and medicaid. But dont give him help too often because he will come to rely on you for help, it should only be given when he is actually trying.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest


    I so understand your feelings and worries. I have been there. We had to kick our son out of the house when he was 18 and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. What I finally realized and still believe is that letting a kid continue to live with me who has no regards for any rules and treats us horribly and with disrespect is teaching him all the wrong lessons for life. You can't get along in society if you break all the rules and treat others with such disrespect. So allowing him to live at home doing all those things was not doing him any favors.....

    In fact my son has had to learn the hard way that that is true.... but they are his lessons. I have had to let my son be homeless and it is an awful feeling as a mom, but I realized that the only way he is going to improve his life is if he figures this out now while he is still fairly young and has a chance.

    Hang in there you are doing the right thing.

  10. Hope2

    Hope2 bluemoon

    Wow..susiestar..I love the words ..Allowing him to become a man..I think that says it all......I think we all worry..whether they are in our homes or out...I think that puts some perspective on this situation also....hand in there Mog..and thanks susiestar...
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I have no experience in this area but think you did amazing. I agree with all the others said, but can so understand your worry and hurting heart for him. So big hugs to you. You for sure did the right thing.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    mog -

    If you had a crystal ball.....and that scenario played out again? And three days went by in the crystal ball in the blink of an eye while you stood there and worried - BUT instead of NOT knowing that he was out alone in the world, cold, hungry, with no way to court, and shivering somehwere, or plotting his revenge against your house the first time you pulled away to go to work - BUT sitting in a friends house, on their couch talking to that guys Mom shaking his head sided to side and saying "OMG I can't believe I just did what I did - I don't know what 's wrong with me - I.....We.....My MOM.....It was a great day, I went to Church, My Mom cooked out, we were all getting along and then I just flipped and the next thing I know - My MOM called the cops, I can't believe she actually.called.the.cops. (insert your sons laughter here) and his friends laughter - Man I couldn't belive it when they pulled up - My Mom was like ALL Rambo - THROW HIM OUT. - It must have killed her to do that........and then she gets the cop to give me $20.00 bucks and (shows the friends Mom the $20. - I just yelled at her and she's making sure I got money and a coat. I'm such a jerk. I bet she's mad as HADES at me...right now. GAW I am such a dimwitm NOW I have to find a way to court - What are YOU doing next Wednesday - I sure can't ask my Mom now. My Dad would kill me."

    See - They (our sons) do not ALWAYS sit and think and talk about us like we think - BECAUSE a VERY similar thing happend once with Dude......and I would have bet you my right foot - that he was sitting at his friends house cursing me out - and swearing about me - and instead he was having a conversation about how surprised he was, and how awesome of a Mom I was....(yeah go figure) and ow sad he was that he kept messing up - and how lucky he was to HAVE me for a Mom.

    So do not always assume that when you do THE WAY RIGHT THING - that they're sitting somewhere plotting cold revenge with malice in their hearts. Sometimes they're having conversations with friends about what total, utter and colossal dimwits they are and HOW they are going to fix the junk they just messed up - and get themselves to their needed appointments. ON THEIR OWN because their Five dollar mouths ran over their two dollar kiesters.....and couldn't make change for a cab ride.

    Sometimes we take on the weight of the world - and boy sister IS OUR SCALE OFF. - Time to zero out yours. He was wrong - you were right - and if any worry or apology is necessary? It needs to come from your son.

    Since you don't have a crystal ball? You're just going to have to trust that what you are doing - IS the right thing - because you can't always count on HIM to do the right things. He's a child trying to grow up. You're a grown up......already. It's up to you to lead.