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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 625411" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I agree with MWM, up. Not only that, but if you can leave this alone and let the kids work it out for themselves, difficult child will begin to grow up. Taking care of someone we love ~ especially if she is pregnant ~ is the best way to do that ~ to grow up, I mean. Poor daughter in law has a baby, is pregnant again, the house is being let go, her husband doesn't have a job and now, neither does she. </p><p></p><p>Let the kids grow from however they cope with all of it, up. </p><p></p><p>This is where difficult child chooses what kind of man he is. If he loves her enough, he will step up.</p><p></p><p>If she loves him enough, she will stay.</p><p></p><p>I have been doing that with difficult child daughter. Whatever the problem is, they really are strong and smart enough to make of their own lives what they will, up. difficult child son stopped talking to me when I told him he was strong enough to do what needed doing. But you know what? I would do it, again. Even if I never talk to him again (and I think that, one day soon, I will), I will know I did what I could to make him stronger, to help him become the man he needs to be, independent of me.</p><p></p><p>One of us (Cookie Monster, I think it was) used to post about "sitting on her lips". That was the imagery she used to stop herself from saying anything at all about her child's living conditions. I have used that imagery, too. When the kids have been messing up for too long, it feels normal for us to get all up in their faces. It's very hard to stop. </p><p></p><p>Recovering Enabler posted to me once that enabling will come with resentment. Whenever you feel anger at helping, that will be enabling. Let the kids work it out on their own. Whatever you have to do to stop thinking about it up, do it.</p><p></p><p>It isn't like the kids don't know everything we are going to say, already. When we stop giving money, the stories become more dire. It gets to be a really nasty circle...but the true cost is the difficult child's self respect.</p><p></p><p>That's what I am coming to believe, anyway. The jury is still out? But my son has not asked for money since January. He isn't talking to me either, as I mentioned. </p><p></p><p>(Eye roll as Cedar blushes and clears her throat.)</p><p></p><p>But I would rather never hear from him again than to knowingly subvert his growth with money and advice and the control that brings me.</p><p></p><p>It's hard to do that, up? But once we begin it, we can see so clearly that leaving the kids to work things out for themselves is the only way they can grow up and become the men (and women) they are meant to be.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 625411, member: 17461"] I agree with MWM, up. Not only that, but if you can leave this alone and let the kids work it out for themselves, difficult child will begin to grow up. Taking care of someone we love ~ especially if she is pregnant ~ is the best way to do that ~ to grow up, I mean. Poor daughter in law has a baby, is pregnant again, the house is being let go, her husband doesn't have a job and now, neither does she. Let the kids grow from however they cope with all of it, up. This is where difficult child chooses what kind of man he is. If he loves her enough, he will step up. If she loves him enough, she will stay. I have been doing that with difficult child daughter. Whatever the problem is, they really are strong and smart enough to make of their own lives what they will, up. difficult child son stopped talking to me when I told him he was strong enough to do what needed doing. But you know what? I would do it, again. Even if I never talk to him again (and I think that, one day soon, I will), I will know I did what I could to make him stronger, to help him become the man he needs to be, independent of me. One of us (Cookie Monster, I think it was) used to post about "sitting on her lips". That was the imagery she used to stop herself from saying anything at all about her child's living conditions. I have used that imagery, too. When the kids have been messing up for too long, it feels normal for us to get all up in their faces. It's very hard to stop. Recovering Enabler posted to me once that enabling will come with resentment. Whenever you feel anger at helping, that will be enabling. Let the kids work it out on their own. Whatever you have to do to stop thinking about it up, do it. It isn't like the kids don't know everything we are going to say, already. When we stop giving money, the stories become more dire. It gets to be a really nasty circle...but the true cost is the difficult child's self respect. That's what I am coming to believe, anyway. The jury is still out? But my son has not asked for money since January. He isn't talking to me either, as I mentioned. (Eye roll as Cedar blushes and clears her throat.) But I would rather never hear from him again than to knowingly subvert his growth with money and advice and the control that brings me. It's hard to do that, up? But once we begin it, we can see so clearly that leaving the kids to work things out for themselves is the only way they can grow up and become the men (and women) they are meant to be. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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