Some Maturity Here *smile*

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Apr 8, 2008.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I feel good tonight. It's good to watch Nichole as she matures. She has quite a way to go, but she is getting there and it gives me huge hopes for her future.

    Nichole and I "girl talked" for more than 2 hrs tonight. I can't believe it. This was just us girls talking about all sorts of issues. Talking and listening going on. Just like when easy child and I do it.

    Frankly, it was awesome.

    We discussed alot of stuff. Child support, she and boyfriend have been notified state is going to be taking care of it, so boyfriend will be paying. boyfriend's reaction. Me wanting Nichole to try her hand at independence before she and boyfriend decide to live together and the why's of it. With some family stories Nichole hadn't been privy to due to lack of maturity as examples as to why it would be a good idea to gain more self confidence and independence before the whole move in thing. We discussed a bit on their relationship. Seems boyfriend thinks I hate him. *chuckle* And he's terrified of me since the time I really blew up at him. I know it probably comes across that way here as I'm usually ticked at him when I post, but actually he's an ok kid. It's their volitile relatonship that drives me nuts. boyfriend has alot of maturing to do, in many ways Nichole has pulled way ahead of him in that area. I did tell her that I worry about how they relate to each other and why. She listened. Really listened.

    We also went over the whole deal with boyfriend's Mom. I guess she's been "moody" (to put it nicely) and some ugly things have happened. Nichole would get so mad at me cuz I'd tell her it was her house whenever she'd whine to me. lol So we went over Respect, and how if she and his Mom remain at war the odds of their relationship making it aren't very high as boyfriend really does love his mother and always will. boyfriend's Mom is a drama queen to the max and has some issues that took me about 5 mins to spot. I think it's being made worse by menopause and the fact boyfriend, Nichole, and the baby spend the majority of their time under foot. And I told Nichole so, how I would/did feel when they did that here, ect. And his parent's marriage is in trouble which is adding additional stress. Of course she's not gonna be Miss Sweetness and Light all of the time.

    I won't bore you with all of it. But it was really nice to talk to her like 2 grown ups instead of as Mom to daughter, if you know what I mean. Many things I said were very blunt and honest. In the past I shudder at what her reaction would have been. It most certainly wouldn't have been to listen and consider what I had to say or my point of view.

    Now the amazing part of it is that Nichole has been unmedicated for several months. I didn't know about it until it was a done deal. (I wasn't thrilled) Nichole is as stable, if not more so, off the medications as she was on the medications. The only time I'm seeing mood shifts is in relationship to food, and eating the right food pulls her out of it. The Borderline (BPD) issues are still there, much improved with practice on her part, but there are no medications to really treat that anyway. So for now I'm left wondering about the bipolar diagnosis being accurate, and if it wasn't the blood sugar Borderline (BPD) combo we were taking as bipolar. I do think we were dealing with serious depression for quite awhile but I'm wondering if it wasn't "circumstantial" due to something that I believe (and she denied, but I found the letter to boyfriend telling him about it) took place at that same time frame. I suppose time will tell. I don't think Nichole would bulk if I thought she needed medications again.

    Like I said, she has quite a ways to go with the maturity thing. But she seems to be doing well with it. Although there are still issues, some normal for age, some she's still catching up with peers, some Borderline (BPD) related, I am still seeing steady progress which is encouraging.

    But it was so cool. It wasn't really so long ago I could not imagine myself having such grown up "girl talk" with Nichole.:D
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so happy for you. I know how special those girl talks can be and how rare for you to be able to be honest with your daughter.

    Hope you get to have another one soon.
  3. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Daisy,
    this reminds me of how things got better for me and difficult child 1. I do think maturity has a lot to do with it. Also, difficult child 1 went off her medications and seemed better too. She hasn't been on them for about 2 years now. I do think she suffered from depression as a teen and I was sure she had Borderline (BPD) but now I really don't think so at all. Since I don't live with her or see her now I don't know how "normal" she actually is but she does well enough to function as a normal person and just seems in general pretty happy with her self and her life. We are able to talk adult to adult now too, something I always hoped for but never believed would happen. I am happy for you and Nichole!
  4. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member


    I so know where you are coming from. Your story sounds like mine with Sweet Betsy. She was the first one to admit that maturity was the main factor in getting her life together. That and the fact that once I stepped completely out of the way, she HAD to take responsibility for her actions and drama.

    It is wonderful when we once again connect with our difficult child's. When they start to LISTEN and not oppose us at every turn. Everyone's lives become so much happier.

    Good luck with Nichole as she continues to grow. I can feel your MOMMY HEART beaming from here.

    Many Blessings,

    Mrs. McNear
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    It's nice to hear that there is hope that you can acutally, someday, maybe (knock on wood) have a mature conversation with a difficult child.

    It's nice when they see you as a friend and not the allmighty tyranical rex.

  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's terrific to be able to talk to your adult or almost adult child. It's a completely different conversation. Good for you. enjoy!!!

    2 things sort of jump out at me. I may be way off base but it was what I heard while reading. N may be stable as all get out but you have to wait until there is a trigger. If the trigger doesn't throw her into a spiral then you could start to consider a different evaluation. My difficult child was very stable for 5 months. Then school let out, I had to go out of town and it went to he** in a handbasket. It took months to get him properly functioning. Just an example....
    The other question is "do you think she is trying to get pregnant again" She may have stopped the medications to go this route. It is her safety net if the pressure of working or school or independence becomes too great. She is guaranteed to be cared for by those who love her.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, she is definately no easy child yet. lol OMG Today evidently she did not do well following her diet. Came home from boyfriend's in a bear's mood. I had made toasted cheese and tomato soup for supper. Evidently it wasn't good enough for her, although Aubrey loved the toasted cheese and got chips and applesause instead of the soup.

    She got furious at me for not taking her to Mc Donald's when she asked. I ignored her. Which only makes it worse, especially when it's her blood sugar but she could've made herself many different things to eat if she'd wanted. I refuse to coddle her with blood sugar issues as an adult. She has to learn to do it on her own and she knows what she should be doing.

    Fran, you made some valid points. It is possible about the triggers. We'll have to see how it plays out. This is the first time she's been off medications since being preg with Aubrey. As for the possiblity of maybe trying to get pregnant..... Who knows? I don't think she is, but I wouldn't be utterly shocked if it happened either. I know they aren't using protection....again. ugh But she knows she won't be welcome here if she gets pregnant again. I've made that very clear. And I wouldn't hesitate to follow thru with it either. Nichole pregnant is still very vivid in my mind. :faint:
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sigh, they are always a worry aren't they?
    Good luck with staying stable. I hope it works out for her. I wish I could decrease the medications difficult child is on but I don't see it happening anytime soon.
    First, we need function and self control then we worry about medications.

    I don't get why teens don't use some method of birth control. Simple logic says unprotected sex creates babies. Not rocket science. I'll keep my fingers crossed that she uses common sense or boyfriend does.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad you can have talks with her like that. The possiblility of a pregnancy would worry me, but of course there is not much you can do about it. Does she react badly to the birth control pill or shot? I would probably push that if she can take the shot. My Jess won't be able to use those, so this is a worry for her future.

    Sorry she was a bear. You are totally right not to baby her blood sugar issues. Even at age 8 we make thank you take responsibilty for his food allergies and issues. We monitor, but we also make him say he can't have things. And that he needs protein or whatever.

    Hugs, it is a process. She is coming along though, and fairly nicely. Now you just have to wonder what animal she will bring home next.

  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    She didn't do well with the shot, which is why she stopped it. She forgets the pill so often that it might as well be a fertility drug. She tried the nuva ring but didn't care for it. Also did the IUD but it FELL OUT! I kid you not on the IUD. I've never heard of such a thing, but it did. Seems her cervix does not completely close and the opening is enough to let it slip out.

    She says they're using comdoms. I'd like to believe her, but I don't. That's what she told me when she got preg with Aubrey. With the pos preg test she confessed that boyfriend hates condoms.

    As for her diet, Nichole has been dealing with the blood sugar issue all of her life. She knows how she should eat. She is just lazy and gives in to temptation. Working at Mc Donald's is making this hard, just as I predicted it would. But she has to learn.
  11. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Lisa, I may be off base but if she has to learn to handle eating correctly and working then shouldn't she be responsible for birth control? I know there is no way to force her but she can't be the only one in the world that bc is a challenge or daunting to her. She just doesn't seem to care one way or the other. (similar to hygiene issues in my difficult child) I can't imagine not taking the pill if it saves me time to get a better life. You would think the consequence was big enough. At her age, I was thinking 22 yrs of responsibility and adulthood is enough reason for me to take the 1 minute to take a pill.

    At least you know she understands the work and finances involved with raising a baby.