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<blockquote data-quote="CDN_DAD_in_tough" data-source="post: 704710" data-attributes="member: 21175"><p>Hi go slow. I'm Canadian as well and am in the middle of a fairly hellish situation myself. I can't offer much advice, but I find hearing the stories from people who have been through - or are going through - similar tough circumstances can be comforting. At least know that you aren't alone.</p><p></p><p>My son is 15. Yesterday, I called the police for the fourth time because after taking his phone from him he started pushing me around to try to get it back. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had him removed and he's currently being held in the youth Crisis Stabilization Unit. My wife and I separated about a year ago and we're in the process of divorcing. We continued living together (for financial reasons) until about 5 months ago when I moved out. I'm currently living in my parents home. My son's behavior plays a role in the break-up. From a fairly young age, he was a difficult kid to manage. Outside the home and with other parents/adults, he was well-behaved and seemingly pretty good-natured. In the home with my wife and I he was horrible. Over the past year of dealing with things and reading and going to counseling for myself I've come to the conclusion the he most likely is at the least ODD. Unfortunately, early on we just assumed it was a stage he was going through that he would hopefully out grow soon. However, his difficult nature gradually led to us having a really dysfunctional home life that likely did even more damage to him. Now, we are dealing with much worse behavior and much more difficulty in trying to repair the damage our neglect has brought about.</p><p></p><p>From a young age, like 7 or 8, he was just a mind-bendingly stubborn kid who seemed completely unable to respond to our authority. There was pretty much not a single thing through any given day that you could request of him - from blowing his nose to getting out of bed in the morning to going to bed at night - that didn't result in a battle. Any family outing (I have a younger son as well by the way - 11) would be assured of being stressful and not at all fun because he would inevitably do things to cause problems. Gradually, over a period of years, the way we (mostly I actually) ended up dealing with the situation was to micro-manage life around the home so that our paths and his crossed as rarely as possible. He pretty much lived in the (finished - there's a bedroom and a rec room area) basement and the rest of us lived upstairs. It wasn't really a conscious strategy - it was just the way things seemed to work the best to create the least amount of warfare. Sadly, it was not a very healthy home life for any of us, especially my son. </p><p></p><p>Over the past couple of years, he's gradually become more and more militant in his efforts to be away from us. He's always been a "sleep-over" kid - from a young age - who never really suffered from home-sickness and loved staying at friends places. Over the past couple years though his efforts to stay with friends became constant. Two summers ago he was spending 3 or 4 nights a week at various friends homes. He's also become more and more angry and uncontrollable at home. He's decided he hates us and doesn't have to do anything we say. He's verbally abusive (the language and names he calls us are just outrageous). He's not at all afraid to get physical. He has started going to parties every weekend. He's doing drugs (just dope dad it's practically legal!) and drinking. He's also taken to punching holes in one of the walls in his space. He's never been a great student - just managed to barely squeak through grade 9. Grade ten has been an outright disaster. He's missed 80% of his classes or more. When we do get him to school he sits at his desk with his headphones in and pretty much doesn't engage at all. His teachers allow this because he's there so rarely they don't want to scare him away. Last year, it was a constant struggle getting him moving and as it was my job most days (my wife's work schedule meant she left the house early in the day) I was late for work nearly every morning - and always stressed and angry when I did get there. </p><p></p><p>Initially when I moved out 5 months ago, he would spend a night with me here or there and we would go out for a meal or a movie once a week or so. I wasn't going to force him to stay with me because I felt he's old enough to decide for himself and I was ok with that. I mean I knew how trying to force him to do anything would go anyway. However, his continued issues at home with my wife started to really bleed out into the wide world so to speak and when he realized that I was finally opening up to my family and friends about the situation that had been going on so long in the home and about the specific nature of our issues with him he expressed resentment that I had "talked about him" and "told people things" and so forth and decided to cut myself and my family (and his only family actually as my wife is is essentially estranged from hers and has been for many many years) completely off. He's refused to attend any of my family functions for the past 3 months or so. He's lived with and mostly been the sole responsibility of my wife...and sadly she's lost the will to fight to try and control him. Basically he's been doing whatever he wants for several months and she's been living in an extremely high-stress environment because he is AGGRESSIVELY unpleasant to live with. </p><p></p><p>...more to come soon.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CDN_DAD_in_tough, post: 704710, member: 21175"] Hi go slow. I'm Canadian as well and am in the middle of a fairly hellish situation myself. I can't offer much advice, but I find hearing the stories from people who have been through - or are going through - similar tough circumstances can be comforting. At least know that you aren't alone. My son is 15. Yesterday, I called the police for the fourth time because after taking his phone from him he started pushing me around to try to get it back. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had him removed and he's currently being held in the youth Crisis Stabilization Unit. My wife and I separated about a year ago and we're in the process of divorcing. We continued living together (for financial reasons) until about 5 months ago when I moved out. I'm currently living in my parents home. My son's behavior plays a role in the break-up. From a fairly young age, he was a difficult kid to manage. Outside the home and with other parents/adults, he was well-behaved and seemingly pretty good-natured. In the home with my wife and I he was horrible. Over the past year of dealing with things and reading and going to counseling for myself I've come to the conclusion the he most likely is at the least ODD. Unfortunately, early on we just assumed it was a stage he was going through that he would hopefully out grow soon. However, his difficult nature gradually led to us having a really dysfunctional home life that likely did even more damage to him. Now, we are dealing with much worse behavior and much more difficulty in trying to repair the damage our neglect has brought about. From a young age, like 7 or 8, he was just a mind-bendingly stubborn kid who seemed completely unable to respond to our authority. There was pretty much not a single thing through any given day that you could request of him - from blowing his nose to getting out of bed in the morning to going to bed at night - that didn't result in a battle. Any family outing (I have a younger son as well by the way - 11) would be assured of being stressful and not at all fun because he would inevitably do things to cause problems. Gradually, over a period of years, the way we (mostly I actually) ended up dealing with the situation was to micro-manage life around the home so that our paths and his crossed as rarely as possible. He pretty much lived in the (finished - there's a bedroom and a rec room area) basement and the rest of us lived upstairs. It wasn't really a conscious strategy - it was just the way things seemed to work the best to create the least amount of warfare. Sadly, it was not a very healthy home life for any of us, especially my son. Over the past couple of years, he's gradually become more and more militant in his efforts to be away from us. He's always been a "sleep-over" kid - from a young age - who never really suffered from home-sickness and loved staying at friends places. Over the past couple years though his efforts to stay with friends became constant. Two summers ago he was spending 3 or 4 nights a week at various friends homes. He's also become more and more angry and uncontrollable at home. He's decided he hates us and doesn't have to do anything we say. He's verbally abusive (the language and names he calls us are just outrageous). He's not at all afraid to get physical. He has started going to parties every weekend. He's doing drugs (just dope dad it's practically legal!) and drinking. He's also taken to punching holes in one of the walls in his space. He's never been a great student - just managed to barely squeak through grade 9. Grade ten has been an outright disaster. He's missed 80% of his classes or more. When we do get him to school he sits at his desk with his headphones in and pretty much doesn't engage at all. His teachers allow this because he's there so rarely they don't want to scare him away. Last year, it was a constant struggle getting him moving and as it was my job most days (my wife's work schedule meant she left the house early in the day) I was late for work nearly every morning - and always stressed and angry when I did get there. Initially when I moved out 5 months ago, he would spend a night with me here or there and we would go out for a meal or a movie once a week or so. I wasn't going to force him to stay with me because I felt he's old enough to decide for himself and I was ok with that. I mean I knew how trying to force him to do anything would go anyway. However, his continued issues at home with my wife started to really bleed out into the wide world so to speak and when he realized that I was finally opening up to my family and friends about the situation that had been going on so long in the home and about the specific nature of our issues with him he expressed resentment that I had "talked about him" and "told people things" and so forth and decided to cut myself and my family (and his only family actually as my wife is is essentially estranged from hers and has been for many many years) completely off. He's refused to attend any of my family functions for the past 3 months or so. He's lived with and mostly been the sole responsibility of my wife...and sadly she's lost the will to fight to try and control him. Basically he's been doing whatever he wants for several months and she's been living in an extremely high-stress environment because he is AGGRESSIVELY unpleasant to live with. ...more to come soon. [/QUOTE]
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