Some of you may remember me??

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ME & THE BOYS, Jul 15, 2008.

  1. ME & THE BOYS

    ME & THE BOYS New Member

    Hello past friends and new people,

    I hope everyone is atleast o.k.

    I haven't been here for awhile. I think I recall telling you how sick my mother was with cancer. Well, she died the end of June. God, how I miss her!!

    Spouse (or whatever I should be calling him), left me and the boys (remember, one is special needs), a week or so after.

    He "claims" he isn't able to take the boys to his moms who has tons and tons and tons of available space in her home for sleepovers. This means, he is staying over here some nights.

    I guess this is the beginnings of the end. The end of 25 years.

    I still can't believe all that has happened. So many emotions.

    I am so afraid of the future (with no education, no job, MAJOR stress of the boys, their needs (esp. special needs child).

    I am just wiped out so to speak. I could just run away!
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I do remember you! Good to 'see' you!

    I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your mother. You must be so heartbroken.

    As far as soon to be exhusband - I wouldn't let him sleep there still if you can avoid it. He can take his boys to a hotel for a night if he wants to see them. I hope you have checked with a lawyer already. He left the family home. He cheated. I hope he is covering the bills at least!
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Oh man, this is soooo creepy! I kid you not, I was just wondering this morning how you were doing. It got nutty around here so I wasn't able to shout out to you.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your mother passing. I don't know about your beliefs, but I hope you know she's smiling down on a soft cloud at you!

    Good ridance to husband. When you first started here, I remember the head games he was playing on you. I wanted to head to Canada and knock him on his rear.

    Get a lawyer and make sure that the lawyer is aware of ALL EXPENSES associated with your special needs little guy. Also, any that your spending to help your other son deal with difficult child's issues as well (therapy, etc.).

    Make sure that you document that you currently can't work out of the home because of you son's issues as well. Getting daycare would be near impossible, etc.

    I agree that I wouldn't let him stay at the house. It confuses both the boys and you. Let him sleep in his car if worse comes to worse. A few Canadian nights would do him a world of good. Let him feel as shut out as YOU have for so long.

    Glad you're back! Sorry if I sound mean, but men that do this type of thing drive me nvts!

  4. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry you are having such a tough time right now. Sorry to hear about your mom. I know you must really miss her, especially at a time like this. :(

    25 years is a long time and you are feeling scared of the unkown. You will be okay, you will find strength within yourself you never knew you had. Hang in there, you will see the sun again. :)

    Good luck and God bless.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am newer here. I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the others do not let H stay at your place. Wonder the real reason? Is he having a tiff with his new girl and need a place to stay so uses the boys to get a free bed and breakfast? How far in advance do you know he is coming?

    Do you know for sure if he is actually staying at his parents or is he living with his girlfriend? Do his parents know he has left?

    Anyway, I would tell him that he choose to leave so he needs to leave. It is too confusing for the boys if he keeps coming back with no intentions of staying. They may get their hopes dashed with every visit.

    Make it perfectly clear that the moment he walked out that door, he lost all authority in the house, including "visiting" whenever he wanted. It is no longer his home. He needs to grow up and find a new home.

    I had a friend whose husband walked out on her after 20 years - one daughter was graduating college and the other high school the year he decided to walk. She was also a stay at home mom all those years with no education. He decided not to provide any support whatsoever - not even money for groceries to feed the daughter that was at home. He froze all accounts and came up with some stupid reason why the house was his parent's and not theirs. She had nothing!! What a total nightmare - and of course a few years later, he comes looking for her to take him back. Fortunatly she had learned her lesson and refused to be his new home.

    Why do some guys think they can walk away from being a parent? Too bad they can't get some of the overly protective emotional attachment qualities we get to inherit with our kids.
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello Me,

    (that sounds weird) - I can relate. My exbonehead (I call him bonehead because I sure as heck am not calling him "dear" anything) told me he wanted a seperation about three weeks after my father died unexpectantly after 20 years of marriage and 25 years together.

    So, I can relate. I will tell you that if yours is even 25% as much a bonehead as mine is, you will be better off in the long run. Mine has only taken my difficult child three times for overnight since our seperation in 2004 (and easy child has never been to his place for an overnight).

    I know it is scary right now, but things will get better and you will get stronger.

    Get on the computer and research the divorce laws in your state. Find out what the child support calculations are as well. Then, hire a lawyer. Make sure that, after this many years together, he pays support for your children and some amount of spousal support (usually for a specific amount of time).

    Make sure that if he removes you as the beneficiary of his life insurance, that he makes the children the new beneficiaries (make that part of the divorce settlement). If he has a 401K, you are entitled to 1/2 of that as well. There are a lot of support issues after the length of your marriage. Make sure you have a good attorney, or make sure that you know the law before you sign anything!!

    Did you all do a seperation agreement?

    I'm sorry this is happening to you. But there will be light again in your step - I guarantee it.

    Don't waste your time being bitter, make better use of it by getting what you and children deserve from the deadbeat sperm donor.

  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Me and The Boys,
    I do remember you. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I agree with the others about not letting ex stay at your place. Sending gentle hugs and prayers your way.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Funny, I was just thinking about you too!

    You know, change is scary. But not all change is bad.

    You WILL survive this, and be the better person for it. Your kids will be better men because of it. If they grew up watching their father disrespect their mother, they would have that and nothing else as a role model. That would be a potential set up for them to treat the mothers of your grandchildren the same way.

    This is your chance to show them that you can be strong in the face of adversity. I'm actually glad that he is gone, because you deserve better.

    My heartfelt sympathies at the passing of your mother. Heaven has a new angel, and she is watching over "you and the boys".
  9. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in October to cancer and I know how difficult it can be to lose such an important person in your life.

    And as if dealing with your grief is not enough, you are also faced with marriage issues, sometimes life isn't very fair! I wish the very best for you and your boys. Yes, it is scary but if you can make it through the hard times this could end up being for the best. I agree with Sharon, get a divorce settlement that ensures the kids are taken care of and he remains financial responsibility for his family. You may discover that without the stress husband was creating, things with the boys are more calm, you may discover a talent for a career you never knew you had, maybe you will meet someone new who will treat you the way you deserve. Hang in there and things will start to look up!

    Good Luck
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I remember you, and have wondered about you a number of times. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I am also sorry your ex is such a jerk.

    I totally agree about not letting him stay at the house. If staying there is the only way he will see the kids, it is best to deal with the loss now, before they think it is "normal" for daddy to only be there occasionally. I also think the other woman may be why he won't take the kids there. Wonder if he has children with-her, wants her to know he is not a great dad, or what the deal is, but I bet there is something.

    Ask everyone you know who got the better deal, them or their ex, then ask the name of the sharkiest lawyer. And KEEP A RECORD OF EVERYTHING - journal times he stands the kids up, or whatever he does with-them, amount of notice, every phone call, every expense with the house and the kids. Also move some $$$ out of joint accounts ASAP - much as you can. Check any savings, cds, whatever and liquidate what you can. Keep the $$ in a separate account. In YOUR name only. Otherwise he can liquidate it and leave you and the kids up a creek. Don't get caught up in fair. Be SMART for your KIDS.

    I have a friend with-four kids and when her ex left she was nice. She was fair. He took everything. Including the furniture one day while she was out. Then he served her with an eviction notice as the home was in his name - it was a deal with a buddy to buy it, and so he didn't put her name on the private loan. She just found out her ex made almost $15k on the sale of a house he told her that they lost $$ on. The orig owner sold it to another friend and by evicting her and the 4 kids, her ex got the $15k they had in equity.

    If your ex couldn't be trusted while you were married, he sure as sugar can't be trusted now.

    I hope the boys can adjust to the loss of their dad, and that you can move on in a positive way.

  11. ME & THE BOYS

    ME & THE BOYS New Member

    Hello everyone,

    Thank you so much for your thoughts, wishes...

    Yes, it is very hard without my mom. I still can't believe she is gone. I want to call her, her to call me, go visit her. JUST HEAR AND SEE HER AGAIN.

    The rules are different in Canada. I get half, despite what he did,,,, I may be able to get alittle more money for my son. B.S............ here! Hiring a tiger of a lawyer might only guarantee that "little extra money for my special needs son" and yet, that is iffy and I could pay a ton for him to fight on my behalf.

    It stinks to think he could walk away with half and live with his mommy or whomever and I have to live off the same amount and support three of us. Got to love our laws. I have been to see four lawyers.

    In addition to mourning my moms loss, I go back and fourth with how I feel about my marriage ending. I guess until he/I file for separation, it won't truly feel over. This makes for hard moments. I am in no rush to make things harder for myself "financially", so haven't filed. Moving my special needs child into smaller quarters to live, will only make things more stressful. He is extremely loud, hyper and picks on his brother (who now screams). I can't imagine neighbours banging on my door.

    The arangement we have at current (only made up a week ago), I hope he keeps to. Atleast for the sake of my children. I placed a schedule on the fridge so they can view when daddy is staying over. I think this gives them something to look forward to and causes them less anxiety to see he is actually coming.

    I much appreciate him coming to some degree (I get some relief and time for myself). I have been phycially exhausted for years with my S.N son. He has worn me right out. I wake up tired and go to bed tired.

    I am going to have to look into new interests (job training),,,. I will have to support them.

    I am so scared and sad (for both me and my boys).

    p.s. On an up side, I took all our airmiles and booked us a Carribean Cruise in January.
  12. ME & THE BOYS

    ME & THE BOYS New Member

    So many emotions ...................

    Thank you to everyone who responded. Everyone who offered me emotional support. I am having some horrible days missing my MOTHER. I really was not close to her, until she took ill. She needed me and allowed "US" to get close. She was so much "to herself person, who shared little of her feelings."

    Then there is the breakdown of my long relationship/marriage. The guy still treats me like **** and knows how to push my buttons.

    He comes here to stay every Tues./Thurs. night and every other weekend. I haven't anywhere to go, so stay here. I am very particular about the boy's routine and he simply refuses to do his own thing, which really really makes me mad. He wishes to stay in bed and sleep in on his weekends with the boys. This can't happen, they are young, need to eat, fight like cats and dogs if left alone. He get's to sleep in wherever he is, every other weekend. WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?!!

    He likes to put on the "I am such an involved dad outside with all the lady neighbours." He will stay outdoors all night with the boys if other lady neighbours are out and play with everyones kids. THEY THINK HE IS JUST GREAT and probably think I am the nag, who is always mad/angry. They likely think I am miserable (I am) and he is the easy going lucky person. Believe me, when he comes in the house, it is a totatlly different ball game. He is either yelling at them, or not speaking to them. He doesn't follow the routine I have set up for them and he doesn't do half of what I do when it is his night here......i.e. doesn't unpack backpacks, make lunches, do the homework,,,. Everything get's thrown to the wind. Homework over the summer is so important to my special needs child. I have always to do the hard work.

    How can someone I married turn out to be such a jerk? He seems to "get off" manipulating me and I can't help being frustrated by him.

    The other day, I actually say in my bed and thought back to 25 years ago when we were dating. He was always wishing to please me, do nice things for me, make me feel special. Why, why, knowing I just lost my mom, am grieving a relationship (which he isn't even worth it, but yet I am), and having to deal with a challenging child who fights non stop with his brother not wish to be more kind/helpful.

    I can't help but really loathing him and that is such a horrible thing to say.

    Thank you for listening and God Bless.
  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Yes, he is an insensitive jerk.

    HOWEVER, you must understand that you are not going to change him. He is who he is.

    That being said, you are the one who will have to make the changes. Is it more important for your kids to see their father, or for them to follow a routine? I would say that the majority of kids from broken families have a different set of rules and routines at mom's house as they do at dad's house. If their routine is that necessary, then don't let him come to your home. He is not going to change for your sake. Remember, he dated another woman for months while living with you. He was not about to change that, why should this be any different?

    In the same vain, I don't know why you allow him to be at your home while it is his visitation time with your kids. He does not respect you or your rules. There is not a judge in the world who would make you allow him to stay there. Let him find an alternative. If he can't (or WON'T is more like it) then his kids must not be that important to him. In that case, they are probably better off not seeing him for awhile.

    You do not have control over him. You DO have control over yourself and your actions. Make your actions positive ones.

    Hugs for your grieving.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    welcome back.
    You are going through a very rough time. Your husband sounds like a donkey. (Can I type it here?)
    I love that you booked a cruise.
    Please tell me it's for you and the kids and NOT your husband?
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome back.
    First off, sending very gentle {{{{{HUGS}}}}} your way.

    BBK hit the nail on the head.
    Your H is a jerk. And you can't control him. You can only control what YOU do and how you react to his behaviour.

    I would strongly recommend setting ground rules about visiting. First off, it should NOT be at your house. He needs to have a scheduled time to pick up and drop off the children. It's up to him to make arrangements and follow through with the rules.

    When you were together, he left you miserable while he carried on and had fun. Now that you're separated, he's continuing to treat you the same way. You can't let him.

    As BBK said, if he can't make proper arrangements to be with his kids, then perhaps he doesn't need to be involved in their lives right now.

    Sorry things are so rotten right now.
  16. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    Wait! I am going to get my bags, where do you want to meet??? I can relate to you sweetie. I am so sorry to hear about your Mom.

    <<<hugs>>> welcome home, where we always love you

    i a n a v
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    So sorry to hear about all that's going on with you. I agree with the others that you need to protect yourself and your boys. Find out exactly what your rights are. Sending hugs.
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    HI, good to hear form you again.

    Sorry you've been through such a difficult time with your mother's death and Sir Galahad
    morphing into the Black Knight... it's just not fair. And his lousy timing just shows him for what he is - utterly selfish. Because if he had a shred of understanding, he would have at least stuck around for a few more months to help you cope with such a devastating loss.

    You've had some good advice on protecting yourself. Follow it. No matter how much you and your ex seem to be able to agree - that is good, if it continues. Bur especially if there is another woman in the picture, DO NOT TRUST that good communication will continue.

    An example - early in our marriage, husband & I borrowed money from my father. Even though my dad & I got on very well, there was absolutely no hint that either side would renege on the deal and this was a fairly informal financial arrangement, my father still put the details of our agreement in a letter. "Just to confirm in writing - you and husband are borrowing $X thousand interest free for ten years, to pay it back when you can sooner if possible."
    It was expressed semi-formally, we didn't sign anything but it was still sufficient. When my father died and later my mother, it was well over the ten years. We had never been able to pay it back but at any time Dad could have insisted, using his copy of the letter, and we would have refinanced something. Because I know my dad wouldn't have asked us to do this unless he needed it.
    My brother was executor and the money was taken out of our share of the estate, the letter again being useful to verify the details. All friendly, all OK.

    Without the letter there could have been misunderstandings which, even in the friendliest of families, can always go sour.

    And it's the same with an ex. Regardless of what you're happily agreeing on now, do not trust that this will continue.

    Another example - my eldest sister was the first in my family to split from her first husband. She had always said to him, "I value fidelity. If I ever find you've been sleeping around, you're out."
    Well, we all knew, people told her and she cut them out of her life because she really didn't want to know. Until the day came when he stupidly used the cordless phone from the extension to call one of his girlfriends overseas (my sister paid the phone bills, by the way). He was sitting outside the house, my sister picked up the house phone to make a call and heard him talking sweet nothings into an expensive overseas female ear.

    His first reaction was to feel guilty. Then bravado - "Any one of a number of women will take me in." Most of the women in his life, when they heard he was back on the market, dumped him. One took him in (and later married him).
    While he was still consumed with guilt (and angry at himself for getting caught, after years of philandering and cheating) he was ready to agree to almost any arrangement. So my sister got the house, but had to pick up all the house payments from that day. Andso on - they agreed on an amicable spilt which was heavily weighted to my sister.

    Then his new wife got in on the act - he had conceded too much, she felt, and so the thumbscrews began to be applied. My sister needed to sell some larger furniture items, her ex sent along an interested buyer who offered a pittance. My sister believed what she was told, and sold the items far too cheaply. Ex paid off his friend and re-sold the items at closer to their true value. He also had salted away a lot of money over the years, under different names (illegal now in Australia).

    It finally became obvious that the "generous settlement" was anything but. In many little ways (he would promise to buy his daughter a new car, then renege - "ask your mother") he weaselled out of much of his obligations. Even his daughter's wedding - HE gave away the bride, but my sister paid all the bills despite him originally agreeing to pay half.

    And my sister allowed this to happen, because
    1) He had taught her to be a doormat;
    2) She wanted to believe the fiction of "amicable split";
    3) It hurt too much to fight him.

    I have just returned from a week of visiting my sister and her new husband. difficult child 3 said to me last night, "I like [new uncle]."
    We talked about why and discussed the people. I said how new uncle is good to his aunt, he cares about her being happy, he looks after her, he is kind and loving. I said that her first husband had been very different.
    difficult child 3 said, "She must really hate him."
    I then explained to him that hate is just the other end of love. Yes, she did hate him for a long time but now was beyond caring. She feels sorry for him - he is old, he is frail from years of neglecting his health and lonely because his second wife died a few years ago. (And he had the unmitigated gall to go to my sister within days of his wife's death and ask if she would have him back!!??! And if she hadn't by then met her current husband, she would have taken him back, too. Disaster.)

    So whatever you do, put things in place FAST, in writing. It can still be friendly. Do not trust things to continue to be amicable, especially if you are lax about arrangements and especially if he has another woman. Or a mate with a mercenary eye - even a drinking buddy can do a lot of damage.

    And also recognise that hatred is the flip side of love. You will know you are over him when you feel indifferent. And THAT takes time.

  19. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I am sorry you are going through this whole thing, sorry for your loss of your mom and sorry that h is being such a jerk. I haven't been in your shoes so no advice but alot of (((hugs))). Be kind and gentle with yourself. I do believe you will be much happier a few years down the road.
  20. ME & THE BOYS

    ME & THE BOYS New Member

    Thank you everyone. I truly truly mean it. It means so much that you take the time to offer support and advice to a stranger.

    I am exhausted. I wake exhausted and go thru the day exhausted waiting for bed time to come. I am now excerisiing daily, eattign healthy and have all my bloodwork, metabolisim,,,,,, checked. It all came back good! I take multi vitamins and a b12 vitamin, protein whey drinks,,, AND I AM STILL TIRED. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS! Any other suggestions?

    p.s. Maybe it has somethhing to do with paretning my ADHD son. He burns me out! I can't stand mornings before his medications kick in. I can't get him to sit down, he is sooooo loud, he won't eat, he does everything I ask him not to do, makes his brother scream and cry countless times with his hyperness and teasing. I hate every morning!!!!!!!!! Thoughs?