HI, good to hear form you again.
Sorry you've been through such a difficult time with your mother's death and Sir Galahad
morphing into the Black Knight... it's just not fair. And his lousy timing just shows him for what he is - utterly selfish. Because if he had a shred of understanding, he would have at least stuck around for a few more months to help you cope with such a devastating loss.
You've had some good advice on protecting yourself. Follow it. No matter how much you and your ex seem to be able to agree - that is good, if it continues. Bur especially if there is another woman in the picture, DO NOT TRUST that good communication will continue.
An example - early in our marriage, husband & I borrowed money from my father. Even though my dad & I got on very well, there was absolutely no hint that either side would renege on the deal and this was a fairly informal financial arrangement, my father still put the details of our agreement in a letter. "Just to confirm in writing - you and husband are borrowing $X thousand interest free for ten years, to pay it back when you can sooner if possible."
It was expressed semi-formally, we didn't sign anything but it was still sufficient. When my father died and later my mother, it was well over the ten years. We had never been able to pay it back but at any time Dad could have insisted, using his copy of the letter, and we would have refinanced something. Because I know my dad wouldn't have asked us to do this unless he needed it.
My brother was executor and the money was taken out of our share of the estate, the letter again being useful to verify the details. All friendly, all OK.
Without the letter there could have been misunderstandings which, even in the friendliest of families, can always go sour.
And it's the same with an ex. Regardless of what you're happily agreeing on now, do not trust that this will continue.
Another example - my eldest sister was the first in my family to split from her first husband. She had always said to him, "I value fidelity. If I ever find you've been sleeping around, you're out."
Well, we all knew, people told her and she cut them out of her life because she really didn't want to know. Until the day came when he stupidly used the cordless phone from the extension to call one of his girlfriends overseas (my sister paid the phone bills, by the way). He was sitting outside the house, my sister picked up the house phone to make a call and heard him talking sweet nothings into an expensive overseas female ear.
His first reaction was to feel guilty. Then bravado - "Any one of a number of women will take me in." Most of the women in his life, when they heard he was back on the market, dumped him. One took him in (and later married him).
While he was still consumed with guilt (and angry at himself for getting caught, after years of philandering and cheating) he was ready to agree to almost any arrangement. So my sister got the house, but had to pick up all the house payments from that day. Andso on - they agreed on an amicable spilt which was heavily weighted to my sister.
Then his new wife got in on the act - he had conceded too much, she felt, and so the thumbscrews began to be applied. My sister needed to sell some larger furniture items, her ex sent along an interested buyer who offered a pittance. My sister believed what she was told, and sold the items far too cheaply. Ex paid off his friend and re-sold the items at closer to their true value. He also had salted away a lot of money over the years, under different names (illegal now in Australia).
It finally became obvious that the "generous settlement" was anything but. In many little ways (he would promise to buy his daughter a new car, then renege - "ask your mother") he weaselled out of much of his obligations. Even his daughter's wedding - HE gave away the bride, but my sister paid all the bills despite him originally agreeing to pay half.
And my sister allowed this to happen, because
1) He had taught her to be a doormat;
2) She wanted to believe the fiction of "amicable split";
3) It hurt too much to fight him.
I have just returned from a week of visiting my sister and her new husband. difficult child 3 said to me last night, "I like [new uncle]."
We talked about why and discussed the people. I said how new uncle is good to his aunt, he cares about her being happy, he looks after her, he is kind and loving. I said that her first husband had been very different.
difficult child 3 said, "She must really hate him."
I then explained to him that hate is just the other end of love. Yes, she did hate him for a long time but now was beyond caring. She feels sorry for him - he is old, he is frail from years of neglecting his health and lonely because his second wife died a few years ago. (And he had the unmitigated gall to go to my sister within days of his wife's death and ask if she would have him back!!??! And if she hadn't by then met her current husband, she would have taken him back, too. Disaster.)
So whatever you do, put things in place FAST, in writing. It can still be friendly. Do not trust things to continue to be amicable, especially if you are lax about arrangements and especially if he has another woman. Or a mate with a mercenary eye - even a drinking buddy can do a lot of damage.
And also recognise that hatred is the flip side of love. You will know you are over him when you feel indifferent. And THAT takes time.
Marg
