Somedays in real life friends are hard to be near....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mom2oddson, Sep 16, 2010.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Over the years, the number of friends I have has swindled down to almost none. I do have a co-worker, J, who has been a friend for the 20+ years that we've worked together. She's about it for friends.

    But it is getting really hard to be friends with her. She has 4 boys who are all easy child's. Her biggest complaint is that the oldest can't remember to unplug his flat iron. But her life is always worse than mine. She believes if you parent your kids right, you should have no problems with them.

    Right now, I'm having trouble even liking her. See, in March of 2009, difficult child-A's best friend killed an 84 year old woman. D and difficult child-A were best friends since pre-k. D stayed many, many nights at my house. D has very good parents. But, D is a difficult child. And we all know what it's like to live with a difficult child! You do your very, very best!

    D's parents took him to psychiatrists. They sent him to rehab when he got into meth. The week before the murder, D's Mom called the police because D was getting out of hand and refusing to take his medications. But the police could only send him for a 72 hour hold and D knows the game to play to get out.

    What D did is beyond wrong, I don't excuse him, but, my heart breaks for what D's parents are going through. And my heart breaks for D because I know there is a good kid in there somewhere. (Maybe that is the curse of being a Mom to a difficult child).

    In the news today, it was annouced that D's trial was delayed another month while the defense works on the insanity plea.

    My problem today is listening the J talk about how wrong that is. That there should be no insanity plea, that the parents must of not raised the kid right for him to turn out this way. That the kid should not be allowed to have an insanity plea because anyone who can kill another has to be insane. And, unfortunately, she's not alone.

    I feel like I'm alone right now. I know that if it wasn't for the grace of God, that could and may someday still, be one of MY difficult children going through this. I know his parents are going through heck right now. And then to have people judge them as if it is their fault..... it's sad.

    I really need to go find new Rhino skin. I'm so thin-skinned right now that everything hurts.

    Thanks for listening to me. At least here, I have a chance of finding people with a heart, or a little compassion, or just someone who isn't brutally judgemental without having been in the others shoes.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I know exactly what you mean. Honestly, J has no idea. If parenting is the issue, then why didn't Onyxx straighten up when husband and I got on the same page?


    I am glad you feel like you can come here... OK, so we aren't exactly in real life to you, but I enjoy being able to talk, and rant... And KNOW someone is out there who GETS it.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    How very sad. Sending hugs and my rhino skin...I'm not using it right now.
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I agree. People don't understand.

    I do agree partially with the improper way many courts use the insanity plea. in my humble opinion it shouldn't be "not guilty by reason of insanity" it should be "guilty with reason of insanity". Insane or not, if they did the crime, there needs to be an effect (treatment, punishment, or just confinement for their/everyone's safety). I think there would be a lot less public outcry if it was handled this way.

    If you speak with D's parents, please let them know that I am praying for them and send them comfort and understanding.
  5. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Thanks for the support. In some ways, the people here are my in real life friends. We might not be able to meet up for coffee or some time shopping at the Mall. But you are always here and I can count on you always.

    JJJ, D's parents have cut ties with almost everyone. It's very hard on them. I know that D is responsible for his actions and needs to have consequences. The lady he killed was a neighbor and friend. He and my difficult child had mowed her lawn many times to earn money. What hurts the most is a system that failed him and his parents. I like your "guilty with reason of insanity". That makes more sense.
  6. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I'm so sorry. For you having to struggle to hear this from your friend. For the woman that lost her life and her loved ones. For D and for his family. Its just a tragedy all around.

    I can understand D's parents just closing off the outside world, especially those with ties to their own community. The judgement and so on must be unbearable whilst they are in the midst of a horrific experience already. Have you thought of a thinking of you note? Maybe just sent through the mail with a simple "Thinking of you and your entire family. Wanting you to know you all are in my thoughts and prayers". No pressure or invitations to get in touch. No way they can take away a misconception that you are just hoping to get talking for insider information (as I'm sure they are dealing with all around them). Just a true expression of your warm thoughts for them and acknowledging in a round about way that you know they are loving parents who are facing something awful.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs, I'm sorry things are so rough. It just is so sad that everyone is so quick to jump on the parents.
  8. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    I always feel for the parents. That comes with having a difficult child, I guess.

  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This type of thing is always just a tragedy the whole way around. The victim and their families are completely devastated. The person who committed the crime has just ruined his life which especially sad when it is a young person who was a difficult child and while not completely unable to understand right from wrong, simply too impulsive and immature to handle his own life at that point. Then there are his parents who will never be the same again. They might as well be in jail with him. They are outcasts too. Plus his entire family. The will forever be blamed. It is so sad.
  10. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    It is so sad when people react so negatively. I do understand their anger and needing to find a reason through blame but sometimes terrible things happen that are beyond anyone's control. I had a co-worker whose 12 or 13 year old son killed a toddler in his home during daycare hours. My co-worker was the nicest person you could find and this has totally destroyed his life and everyone in the family. Another co-worker is very close to him and just told me not too long ago that he will still not answer her direct questions on how his son is doing after several years. I told her that I am sure it still hurts very deeply - I have never seen anyone so broken as after he learned what his boy did. He knew he had just lost his son. It took him well over a year from that terrible day to start to relax. The community has been awful to the family - the little girl was part of a family with law enforcement experience so they knew how to push this to the full extent including getting her name and picture out in the public every chance they get even now many years later and then causing a huge financial hardship on the family. I can understand their loss and hurt and need to do this but it does seem they are trying to heal through destroying another's family as much as possible. They also pushed to change laws so that this boy could have been charged as an adult if the law had passed before it happened. D's family really needs support right now. They are being punished for D's actions. They still need to know that not everyone is shunning them.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. I'm sorry that you're one friend just doesn't understand and is narrowminded.Sending hugs and rhino skin.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean. I am so sorry."it should be "guilty with reason of insanity". I agree.So sad, all the way around.
  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I know how hard it is to relate to the "easy child" world at times also.
    You are having to deal with this on top of the murder as well. It always makes me stop and think about how I would feel and how I SHOULD react and treat another. Obviously she has limited space to be open minded towards all involved and the events that led up to this.

    Unfortunately this is how most of our society treats Mentally Ill people.

    My Uncle spent most of his life in prison or a half-way house- no one ever thought to actually help him with Psychiatric care. He had a below average IQ and was Mentally Ill as well as a drug addict. They just kept throwing him back in prison. He eventually died from a dirty needle which led to sepsis, in prison.
    No one had any sympathy for him- he did it to himself. He was just a stupid drug addict was how everyone felt.
    As I got older I started seeing how wrong his death was. How it could have been prevented- how lucky we were that he didn't do something worse than just breaking into homes and robbing people...

    I have very few "perfect" friends anymore either! LOL It sounds like you are and would be a much better friend than she ever could be.