Somehow I knew it wouldn't last...

[greenrene]

EDIT: I was wrong about him bringing her home - husband is taking her back to sister in law's. Everything else still applies though. UGH, I'm just a ball of nerves today after last night's BS...

husband is on his way to pick up difficult child and bring her home. He never got on board with her living with sister in law, so that's that I suppose.

We finally got to hash out a few things last night, and holy cow... Apparently what I said had no effect because he's still going to get her. It got ugly. He blames me for how bad it's gotten with difficult child and thinks he's got all his **** together. Yeah right. I told him being a father was more than making sure all the bills are paid.

Also, I don't know if he's figured out who I am on this board, or if he's been reading my texts on my phone, or something else, but he was throwing something I said both here and in txting with my sister in law in my face last night, taking it TOTALLY out of context and blowing it WAY out of proportion. sister in law swears that she didn't have anything to do with it, and I believe her. I don't know what's up, so now I'm paranoid.

More later, I don't have much time right now.

 

[JJJ]

DO you want to stay married? If not, it may be time to call an attorney.

 

[buddy]

This sounds terrible ....so so sorry. You have some big decisions to make. We will be here for you no matter what you decide.

What does sister in law have to say? Can she clarify the issues for him. You knew you'd be the scape goat, just makes me so sad for you that husband is doing it to you too.

 

[greenrene]

Yes, I want to stay married. We do love each other, but he has a VERY skewed sense of reality. His mother, father, and sister (and I and my brother in law) all believe that difficult child needs to be out of our home, at least for a while. He said he's about ready to tell everyone to go %$#& themselves and move back to KY. THAT'S how delusional his thinking is. He also mentioned getting an apartment with difficult child. HA! Right, that would work.

Our convo last night scared me though - I didn't realize how much he blames me for all this. Since difficult child hit her teens, things have spiraled to the unbearable stage. I've been living in survival mode for a very long time, and I know that some of you guys understand how that goes - everything gets overwhelming. My house has been a total mess, BUT - my kids and husband have always had clean clothes and good food. While we were gone for Christmas break, we paid friends to totally clean our house. I have, for the most part, been able to keep up with it. There are some areas that need some more work, but my floors are spotless, the kitchen is clean, I'm on an upward momentum with my housekeeping. I was hoping that having difficult child gone would help that even more by reducing my stress level, but it's not going to happen.

Last night he said that I can't handle difficult child, I can't handle the house... his parents are supposedly saying that he should leave me (somehow I don't believe that)... But HE has HIS **** together because all of our bills are paid. He then proceeded to point to all the places in the house that still need work (the kitchen table has a lot of stuff on it, the hearth, etc.), completely ignoring all that I HAVE done, ignoring the fact that I've managed to get and keep all his clothes clean AND put away (despite his habit of leaving them lying around wherever he took them off) since we've been home from Christmas, ignoring the fact that all the floors are picked up and vacuumed, etc.

Ironic that his "I've got my **** together" assertion was after waking up from a beer-induced nap.

Also last night, he kept saying that, when it comes to me and difficult child, that he feels like he's got 2 kids that he needs to referee. I try not to engage difficult child in arguments, but I also won't stand there and let her be defiant and rude. Most of what I do is trying to just get her to SHUT UP. He kept saying "2 kids, 2 kids, 2 kids" over and over while I was trying to explain myself, and I finally slammed my hand on the couch and said "FINE, I HEARD YOU! NOW WHAT IS THE SOLUTION??????? YOU KEEP POINTING FINGERS AND BLAMING BUT AREN'T OFFERING ANY **** ANSWERS!!!!!!" It was totally ridiculous.

He's not normally like that. I guess the resentment has been building up over time. He's normally very laid back, easygoing, and kind. None of us knows what on earth to do with difficult child, but everyone's quick to lay blame. I contend that her issues are likely genetic, and it wouldn't matter if Mother Teresa had been raising her, she'd still be difficult.

Anyway.

He's picked up difficult child from sister in law's house, and right now they're out fishing. I told him that he really needs to talk to her about what our expectations are for her coming back home. I refuse to put up with koi from either of them.

 

[DaisyFace]

Greenrene--

(((Hugs)))

This is such a typical "Daddy" reaction - frankly, I was more surprised that he seemed agreeable to the arrangement in the first place...especially since you are the step-Mom. (My difficult child is my biological child, and my husband would have put up a fuss if I mentioned sending difficult child to live with a family member.)

Other step-parents may have better advice than I in this situation - but i'm thinking that you really have no choice at this point but to leave every single aspect of parenting difficult child to your husband. That may or may not mean you have to leave the home...

 

[recoveringenabler]

You're in a frustrating position between two people, one who is a wounded defiant teen and the other who is in effect in denial. I'm sure he is torn too, between his wife and his daughter, however, he can't leave her care up to you and then make you wrong about it. Would he consider counseling? You've got some serious issues here which may need professional help to unravel so it doesn't spiral out of control and/or simply return to what it was before with you taking all the responsibility while he blithely gets the luxury of blaming you. I'm sorry, you really are in a terrible position. I hope you can find some support for yourself, it doesn't sound like you'll be getting it from your husband. His expectations of you are quite unreasonable and yet he feels justified in blaming you, yikes, no matter how you look at it, you're the bad guy. Triangulation is common in families which can't function in a healthy way, unfortunately one person gets the brunt of all the negatives, YOU. You're becoming or perhaps you've been, the victim here, of your difficult child and now your husband. I hope you can get some relief from all of this. (((HUGS))))

 

[greenrene]

Well. Turns out I was wrong. I thought husband had gone over there to pick her up and bring her home, but he's taking her back to sister in law's to give it a try for a little while longer. He met up with brother in law for coffee early this morning and had a looooooong talk, and he said he'll tell me about it later when he came home. I just don't want it turned into another ****-slinging conversation - I can't take that anymore.

He's so hard to read - up until last night, he'd been acting normally. Then BAM - talk of blame and moving out and all kinds of upsetting BS. I have a hard time functioning when my relationship with him isn't ok.

I hate this.

 

[greenrene]

I guess the excrement hitting the fan was inevitable at some point. I'm so terrified though - I really had no idea how much he blames me for all this. But if he really thought things were so bad and I was so awful and whatever, then WHY THE HELL hasn't he stepped in more and DONE SOMETHING? It's only now that things are blowing up in his face that he's bringing all this blame BS up. Yeah, I know I'm not perfect. I readily admit it. But for him to sit there and tell me that it's all my fault, that he has all his **** together so obviously the problem is me, it's infuriating! EVERYONE knows how disengaged of a father he's been - his sister, mother, and my best friend ALL say that it's so unfair that he's left the brunt of the parenting to me. I don't mind so much with my boys, but with difficult child...

Bottom line though is, I'm terrified. I had no idea his anger went that deep. I knew he was in denial, but not this bad. Apart from the difficult child issues, I have a very nice life. I don't want to lose that.

 

[TerryJ2]

Well, better that it's out in the open where you can deal with it. It is very hard, and he has been an ostrich, but the fact that he actually had a talk with-brother in law, and that difficult child is back at sister in law's indicates that something must have clicked.

I'm so sorry that he blames you for everything. I would definitely opt for counseling.

 

[greenrene]

This has all been brewing for a while, I can see it now. He is very unhappy but refuses to look inward, prefering instead to lash out and blame everyone else.

I don't want to lose my family. I love him, but unless he is willing to look at himself, I don't know what's going to happen.

 

[Bunny]

It's much easier to blame others rather than look to yourself and see what you can do to change to make the situation better. This is, I think, what your husband is doing. It's easier to blame you than question whether or not he made mistakes as a father. And it's easier to sit there and say "two kids...two kids...two kids" than offer any answers or suggstions to make the situation better. I am glad to hear that he took difficult child back to his sister's house. What made him make that choice?

What he does not see is that if he does choose to get a separate apartment for him and difficult child, then she wins. She threw a tantrum long enough and loud enough to get exactly what she wanted - you out of her life and her father all to herself. I hope he makes the decision to present her with a united front and try to work together for her own best interests.

by the way, how are things going over at sister in law's house?

 

[HaoZi]

Well... that might be part of why he's drinking heavy - to not look so hard.

 

[JJJ]

Can you find a good couples counselor? Someone to help guide your conversation towards solutions?

 

[DammitJanet]

Seems this is the time for men to lose their ever loving minds about difficult child's! While mine isnt a child difficult child, he is a definite difficult child. And I am definitely being the one blamed for everything wrong in life right now. Exactly how I caused all this is beyond my comprehension because I didnt meet the man until he was fully grown so I had nothing to do with his upbringing.

Tony definitely has some sick form of codependent issues going on with his brother where he cannot set boundaries much like a parent cannot set boundaries with a child who is using their parents and the parents are just enabling that child to continue to be a perpetual toddler. I dont have a clue how to break him out of his ostrich syndrome either. That is such a good term for it. Because he has no clue how to fix it, he screams and blames everyone else around him. He wasnt anywhere near this bad with our own kids. I think because he knew both Cory and Jamie would land on their feet and he is afraid Buck wont. I have pointed out that Tony isnt capable of being a caretaker for his brother because he wasnt a good caretaker for me, my mother or his grandmother. He was okay as far as making sure things were provided for but as far as doing the actual work, no, that isnt his strong suit. I had to do the physical work and not only can I not do that anymore, I will not do it for his brother. I wasnt his grandmothers biggest fan and she didnt like me all that much but I did make sure she was well taken care of. He admits that is true. I was there when none of his siblings were.

Problem is he simply cannot transfer any of that over to his brother. He is terrified that he is going to do something to either make his brother mad or something that I really cant figure out. I am of the mind that since it doesnt appear to me that his brother can take care of himself adequately that someone else needs to step in and take the reigns for him. Or if he refuses to allow that then he needs to hit bottom and we cant save him from that bottom. It isnt our responsibility to save him from that bottom and by doing so we only do him harm. At 54 he should well be able to take care of himself.

I cannot get all of these points across to him because he blows up somewhere during my talking to him. He never lets me get all my ideas out before he starts screaming at me and calling me names. Maybe I should write him a letter so he can read it when he isnt around me and has a chance to digest it before confronting me.