Someone finally agrees with me!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by kitty lover, Nov 19, 2009.

  1. kitty lover

    kitty lover Guest

    This will be a little lengthy, but here goes. I posted almost two months ago regarding my daughter and received some very encouraging responses. We had just found out that she was pregnant and I wanted to update you on her situation. I don’t get to post very often since I don’t have a computer at home but I visit very regularly.
    Almost 2 weeks after finding out that she was pregnant she miscarried. She was very sad and I was sad as well. I know she had been excited about it even though a baby was the last thing she needed.
    I mentioned in my post that she was having a lot of legal issues and was currently on probation because of a lot of bad choices, such as not showing up for court for minor offenses. She has always chosen to just ignore responsibility in hopes that it would go away. The legal issues have been going on for over a year. After being caught with weed, a few other minor offenses that were in violation of her probation and spending a few more days in jail, her probation officer decided (due to her mental health history) to turn her case over to our county mental health court instead of violating her. This all happened right before she found out she was pregnant. The purpose of turning her over to the mental health court system was to help her get an extension on taking care of the charges against her and to help her qualify for certain services. After the miscarriage she missed another court appearance and landed in jail again (just an absolute revolving door for her!) And no, she does not like jail! She just doesn’t want to accept responsibility. Her new probation officer (who I believe has been a God send for her and for me) decided to place her in a group home situation (court ordered) where she was going to have to find a job, attend meetings and enter counseling. It was either that or six months in jail. (This is where I’m really beginning to feel good because it was taken out of my hands.) I had already decided she was going to have to leave my house at the end of October but now it wasn’t even my choice.
    To wind things up here, no she wasn’t really compliant with the house rules of the group home. She failed 3 drug tests and each time her levels went up! Don’t know where she got it but that doesn’t matter. Because of this she is now back in jail. Here comes the interesting part.
    Her PO called me on Monday afternoon after the results were in from the drug test and she told me “you know, I don’t think Gloria fits the Bipolar diagnosis. All I see from her is Borderline”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing because this is what I have been saying for 2 years and no one has listened! She fits every single one of the criteria! Anyone I mentioned this to just said don’t be so quick to diagnose this. Okay, who am I to say anything? I’m just Mom and what do I know. I’ve only lived with her for 10 years.
    The great news is that she will spend 10 days in jail and then she will be going to an inpatient facility here in the area for 90 days and will be receiving DPT therapy (some intense behavioral therapy). She has never had anything like this before at all. No counselor has even really tried to work with her on her past issues, although I will say that daughter is extremely frustrating to work with. But, she had an abusive past and she will never change if she doesn’t deal with it.
    I’m just excited that finally someone is on the same page as me and is willing to make an attempt at this therapy for her. The PO did tell me that if this doesn’t work for her, nothing else really will. Just praying that it will be the answer and that she can begin the healing process. I hope I can begin to heal as well. It has been a very long and hard 10 years.
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Sounds good all around and it always feels great to be vindicated and heard.
    All the literature says DBT therapy provides the best hope for a good result when a patient is diagnosis'd with- Borderline (BPD).
    My gut tells me that the client really needs to want to get better for a good result (as well).
    Sounds like you knew all along what was likely the scenario.
    Better that her jail time is limited and that her therapy time is extended....and that sounds to be the case.
    When this therapy is finished, you might inquire about low cost therapy and help her pay for this as after care. This would help her and in a certain kind of way, help you.
    Hopefully, she realizes how fortunate she is and will put in effort to be a healthier young woman.
    Since your daughter is 21, I do hope that you can let the knowledge that she is receiving the appropriate counseling bring you some comfort and relief so that you can fully embrace all that life has to offer. You've been a good mother and now it's up to her...
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I'm glad to see you back. My sympathies for the loss of your grandchild. I'm sure that was a very difficult time for you all.

    I think that few things can be as much of a revelation as a parent to have survived living with our children, suffering right along side them and finally having someone else look at you after ALLOWING TOUGH LOVE to occur and literally ruin everyone than for someone in a position of real authority to say "You know what? You're right. I agree with you. How awful this has been for you both."

    I don't need sympathy, I need - encouragement.
    I don't need a hand out, I need - a hand up.
    I don't need your empathy, I need a break. Because YOU have NO idea what it's like to live with a kid like this. The people HERE do. But outside of us? Nope - you couldn't possible know what a day in our life is like. If one more person outside of here casually tells me to hang in there? LOL - I may invite them for a sleep over and bolt the doors from the inside with keyed locks. (We're equipped) :tongue:

    As a parent who understands and is waiting for a day like yours? I'm very happy for you both. Especially for your daughter. May this be the break she needs to have some quality of life, and so that you actually get a little breathing room. WE get it.....we really do. Hugs. Keep us updated.

  4. kitty lover

    kitty lover Guest

    Nomad, you are right about the limited jail time and going ahead with the treatment. She will definitely need to continue on an outpatient basis once she has completed the 90 day inpatient stay. Just hoping that insurance will pay for it or that we can find a very low cost continuation. I believe at this point she is going to be more of a willing participant since she is realizing that she doesn't really have too many other options.

    Star, thank you so much for your words and you hit the nail on the head! I know without a doubt that I can find understanding here that I can find no where else. It's so unbelievable the pain and frustration that we have to go through for our kids!

    Just know that I am sending hugs to both of you because I know you have some very tough situations going on. I'm just so angry at the whole mental health system I could scream!

    I think part of my own therapy is going to be to either make some repairs around my apartment or move. Too many bad memories. It's hard to think about any good memories when the holes in the wall and the broken bedroom doors are staring you in the face.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    DBT is great, BUT you need to be willing to work hard. It won't work if the patient is not committed.

    I wish all of you good luck and sorry about your grandchild.
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Thank you for this. You're so right I feel like I should print your words and frame them.

    KL-- I am so sorry for your loss. I hope things will now begin to turn around for your daughter.