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Someone please respond please!!!!!!!!!!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 677590" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Life is not fair, So Tired. </p><p></p><p>Life is neither easy nor fair. You know this. Like we all have, you have battled unfairness all of your life and come away stronger for it. Your daughter has not been singled out. She is a grown woman intentionally telling you terribly painful things to throw you into protective mother mode so you will do what she wants you to do.</p><p></p><p>That is what our Difficult Child children do.</p><p></p><p>No one knows why. So, we are just going to let all those questions about how this might have happened rest quietly for awhile while we learn how to speak to, and parent, our Difficult Child Gift From God children appropriately <em>for them</em>. We are not always going to be here, So Tired. Our children, however troubled and however rottenly unfair their situations, are going to be required to step into adult status and parent themselves one of these days. Better it should be now, while we are still here, than once we are gone. If we don't help our difficult, complaining, forever poverty-struck and in-dangerous-situations children develop themselves into self-respecting adults, we are not fulfilling our responsibilities to them.</p><p></p><p>We need to learn to parent differently.</p><p></p><p>We need to learn about enabling, and about how that terrible, self-defeating circle works.</p><p></p><p>We need to have a look at what we are teaching our children about themselves when we teach them to rely on us instead of themselves.</p><p></p><p>We are teaching them to be victims, So Tired.</p><p></p><p>That this happened now is a blessing in disguise. You are here with us, now. We get it. We have, every one of us, been right where you are. With one anothers' help and support, we were able to learn how to parent our Difficult Child effectively. It will take some time, and it will be hard, but we are all here for you.</p><p></p><p>You are in a safe place.</p><p></p><p>We can help.</p><p></p><p>How will you tell your daughter she cannot move in with you? </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>When we have been trying to save our children for a very long time, we can lose perspective, So Tired. Over time, and with so much help from the parents here, I was able to understand that my protectiveness was not helping my children.</p><p></p><p>As long as the kids were focused on making the story bad enough to throw me into protective mom mode so I would leap in and solve whatever the problem was, they were not learning to rely on, or respect, themselves. It got to be the strangest, most terrible circle. </p><p></p><p>One of the moms here pointed out to me that one of my children was intentionally hurting me ~ was shocking me into that FOG place to throw me into protective mother mode so I would be malleable, and defenseless, and would do what she wanted.</p><p></p><p>And she was correct.</p><p></p><p>I had to back away, So Tired, so the kids could learn to be</p><p>self-respecting adults, and not victims.</p><p></p><p>You do, too.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 677590, member: 17461"] Life is not fair, So Tired. Life is neither easy nor fair. You know this. Like we all have, you have battled unfairness all of your life and come away stronger for it. Your daughter has not been singled out. She is a grown woman intentionally telling you terribly painful things to throw you into protective mother mode so you will do what she wants you to do. That is what our Difficult Child children do. No one knows why. So, we are just going to let all those questions about how this might have happened rest quietly for awhile while we learn how to speak to, and parent, our Difficult Child Gift From God children appropriately [I]for them[/I]. We are not always going to be here, So Tired. Our children, however troubled and however rottenly unfair their situations, are going to be required to step into adult status and parent themselves one of these days. Better it should be now, while we are still here, than once we are gone. If we don't help our difficult, complaining, forever poverty-struck and in-dangerous-situations children develop themselves into self-respecting adults, we are not fulfilling our responsibilities to them. We need to learn to parent differently. We need to learn about enabling, and about how that terrible, self-defeating circle works. We need to have a look at what we are teaching our children about themselves when we teach them to rely on us instead of themselves. We are teaching them to be victims, So Tired. That this happened now is a blessing in disguise. You are here with us, now. We get it. We have, every one of us, been right where you are. With one anothers' help and support, we were able to learn how to parent our Difficult Child effectively. It will take some time, and it will be hard, but we are all here for you. You are in a safe place. We can help. How will you tell your daughter she cannot move in with you? *** When we have been trying to save our children for a very long time, we can lose perspective, So Tired. Over time, and with so much help from the parents here, I was able to understand that my protectiveness was not helping my children. As long as the kids were focused on making the story bad enough to throw me into protective mom mode so I would leap in and solve whatever the problem was, they were not learning to rely on, or respect, themselves. It got to be the strangest, most terrible circle. One of the moms here pointed out to me that one of my children was intentionally hurting me ~ was shocking me into that FOG place to throw me into protective mother mode so I would be malleable, and defenseless, and would do what she wanted. And she was correct. I had to back away, So Tired, so the kids could learn to be self-respecting adults, and not victims. You do, too. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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