Someone tell me what to do...world fell apart tonight

[DammitJanet]

As I predicted, Buck called tonight and told Tony that he is being kicked out of his house ASAP and he needs him to come get him. He is also only getting 4 hours a night at work so money is a huge issue. This of course is causing a HUGE fight between Tony and I. I am attempting to stand firm on the issue about not letting Buck come back to the house and not allowing Tony to go up to get him but this is just causing us to scream and make comments that are very hurtful towards each other.

What lovely stuff to go on during your birthday huh?

I know that Tony wants to help his brother and feels some sense of responsibility but I feel that is misplaced. Tony did nothing to cause Buck to become this way. Tony cant give me any real answers about the car and when I ask he just blows up at me. This doesnt invite any sort of sense that he will be able to stick to any plans we make now. He wants me to look for jobs that Buck can do here. Heck if I know what that is!

I dont want him back here because I have no doubt it will mean we are stuck picking up his pieces. When he loses another job, he will turn to us again. When, not if, he gets sick...we will get called upon to be there. He has obviously worn out his welcome with all the other brothers and now Tony gets his turn. Like I am arguing...we have got two of ours out and are attempting to get Billy out, why do we have to take on a mid 50 year old basically homeless man! Oh but that is what family does for each other. Well he isnt my family.

I did get out of Tony what his biggest fear is. Buck was a junkie up to this past summer. This church got him off drugs and Tony is afraid if he feels like he is all alone with no one to help, he will turn back to drugs. My thoughts are well if he would do that then he is just a dry addict and not true to his sobriety.

I keep saying that I dont want to commit to anything until the car is fixed but Tony wont agree and then Tony says we will have to help him with paying for that! Excuse me but where and when did we get the money for that? Tony has some serious health stuff he needs to deal with and he really doesnt have the money to put off to pay for Bucks stuff but I guess he will. Also Buck makes all our bills go up and he doesnt help out because he has no money.

There is also the problem of his medication and health problems. We dont have the free clinics like the do where he is. The clinic he goes to in his county provides all types of health care from normal stuff like general practitioner to specialists. Plus he gets his medications there for less that $10 a month. That is all he pays per month to see all his doctors. We dont have that here. The closest thing we have his a sliding scale general practitioner office that starts out with the lowest payment is $30 and goes up from there. You can get a coupon from the medicaid office to make it $5 cheaper. Big whoop. They dont do any specialists and medications are either done at the $4 or they could do the manufacturers programs if the medications are very expensive but if they are cheap enough to get at the $4 walmart they wont do that and they try to change your medications to things that will fit on the $4 plans. He has several pretty severe health problems.

I know without a doubt he will start in our house and I am deathly afraid that means he will never leave. Tony swears he will get him out within a week or two. Yeah right.

We fought so badly last night. I threatened to leave and just let them have the house. Seems like Tony has more fun with his brother than with me anyway. Hell...maybe I should just think this through better and decide that we should have him clean out the middle bedroom and pay us to stay in it. That would cover his expenses plus keep him out of my hair if he was expected to mostly stay in his room like in a rooming house. I can put a splitter on the basic cable coming out of Keyana's room so he would have tv.

That would also solve the issue of me getting help on getting that room cleared out considering I really dont think he is going to be going anywhere anytime soon. Tony is so sure he can find a job in a split second. I am doubtful. We do think he may be able to get unemployment of some kind because he has been working and they have basically just cut his hours down to nothing and now with him losing his home he has to move.

Oh did I tell you why he has to move? That lovely church that he is a member of and has done so much for him? The one that sold him the POS car and found the nice little house to move into? Well because he got stuck here because the car messed up is throwing him out because he couldnt come up with the rent this month. Nice church. Now granted I dont know if he has had problems paying the rent before or anything but since they are the ones who supposedly worked to get him off dope and convinced him to become a member of their church, I would think they would have a bit more compassion for him especially since they are the ones who sold him this POS car.

 

[DDD]

I truly wish I could tell you what to do...as you asked. This is a very complex situation that has arrived on your doorstep at a terribly stressful time. I believe I have read almost all of your posts this past year and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Honestly I think you're between a rock and a hard place. Were you in good health and with extra funds tucked away I might see how you could "take a stand". Sadly I don't think you have the physical or financial resources to leave your home. The only leverage I can envision is making sure that Tony knows that you will have ZERO tolerance for drug use. Brother or not you will call the police if there is an indication of substance abuse. I'm truly sorry. DDD

 

[Signorina]

{{{hugs}}} No advice - some ideas - but they mirror your own. Follow your head and your heart.

 

[Shari]

Ditto 3d.

First, you have to decide what your options truly are. The house is yours, the land is not...would it really be feasible for you to get it moved off the land? Do you have the ability and resources to go it alone if you can get that part done? You worry about not having internet and tv if you were to have to go stay somewhere else for a time...what would happen if you had to move somewhere else permanently? It appears from this far away corner that Tony may be willing to let his brother sink a 27 year relationship - but are you?

Those are the questions you need to find the answers to, and only you can answer them.

ExBIL has this same sense of responsibility to DEX that causes rifts in his marriage. I worry about how it may play out when their parents are gone...

Hugs. I'm so sorry.

 

[buddy]

sorry Janet. I can't imagine any of it. No way. But i support you in whatever you decide.

 

[hearts and roses]

Well, Janet, I agree that you are between a rock and a hard place. Tony is unwilling to tell his brother no. I'm so sorry.

The first thought I had was how about putting together some info on local shelters, finding people who may barter with brother in law with him providing labor to get his pos car fixed. Or, how about as he applies for unemployment, he also applies for Medicaid. I'm just thinking that if you need to compromise with Tony, it's acceptable and reasonable for you to lay out certain obligations for Buck to meet. He needs to contribute, he needs to respect your need for privacy, he needs to provide for himself and clean up, etc. Just like a boarder, but without very clear boundaries, it's easy for family to take advantage.

I personally would have a one week limit and then he'd either have to get something else set up or go to a shelter. Sounds cold, but at least it shows you're willing to be helpful in some way. Hugs.

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont know if I have anywhere else to go. I will not saddle my grown kids to taking me on. Wont do it. Number one, I would be miserable living with them myself. I am not a very social person for more than about an hour or two. Lets remember I have issues. I am mentally ill! Social anxiety is one of my problems. My home is supposed to be my place I can be safe and now it wont be. That is what Tony cant get through his thick skull. If I dont have a place to be safe I will truly go out of my mind. The only reason I have been able to keep it together as well as I have is because I have had a relatively safe place to come home to. I dont feel like I have to be "on" when I am on normally. If we have people here, I do. I dont know how long I can be on without cracking.

Just typing that out made me realize what the issue is. No one understands why its such a big problem for me to have someone stay over for a few days. Tony is like "well we will just go get you a couple of more nightgowns". Its more than that. Yeah I can make sure I am always covered up but its more that I have to always feel like a hostess instead of coming home to my sanctuary where I can do what I want without worrying about anyone else. I dont want to worry about if someone else thinks its odd that I dont come out of my room all day long except to hit the kitchen. Thats my business. I certainly dont want to go out and sit in the living room and make small talk. I dont do that now. If I am in the kitchen now its to clean and make dinner and then I sit in the living room to watch tv while I do it. This will interfere with that. Or I can just make it so it doesnt and do what I do with Tony and Billy...change the channel to what I want to watch. Thats what I should do. I always feel I have to be nicer to people who dont live with me all the time. That has to change in this instance.

About living somewhere else. I dont think I could get in any sort of handicapped apartment that is income based because the mobile home is in my name. Also if I just transfer it, there is a waiting period before I can be considered unless something happens like fire or hurricane or some such thing like that. I suppose if I actually got kicked off by their family should something happen to Tony and had to sell it for next to nothing that would work too. And who knows how long the waiting list is for housing in my area.

I suggested looking into salvation army or shelters in Greenville SC or something like that but that was shut down. That is such a larger area than we are. There have to be more resources.

 

[DammitJanet]

Jo, that all sounds well and good but we have no shelters. None. And medicaid here is only for people under age 22, disabled, or having children or over 65 I believe.

 

[buddy]

how about where he is now??? any shelters there?

 

[tiredmommy]

Would this compromise work? Buck MUST be gone while Tony is at work, as in he leaves with Tony to hang out near Tony's work site (to look for work) and doesn't come home until Tony does at night?

 

[Nomad]

I can't help but feel you have every right to speak up as you did. What you've said seems valid to me. You should be heard and your opinion respected. Of course, its best if everyone can remain calm, etc.
This is a very difficult and complicated situation.
Would you and your husband be in a position to pay one month's rent for his brother? (and one month ONLY)
Would it be of any "real" help?
At least it would provide another months time to think things through.
I hope you can stay put. The relationship between you and your spouse and your good health should be priorities.
I agree, follow your heart and common sense. I also agree that if the brother moves in, you should establish boundaries and of course, no drug use should be #1.

 

[DammitJanet]

well evidently he has worn out his welcome there. That is where he is surrounded by all his old drug buddies and his other brothers who want absolutely nothing to do with him.

Tony keeps telling me that he has to help him because he is his brother. I point out to him that is Tony should die tomorrow that I wouldnt have a damn soul to help me out. I am an only child and both my parents are dead. I have no siblings to help me out. Tony says oh you have the boys. Well true but the thing is I will never in my life allow them to take me on. Im not putting that on my boys. After taking care of Tony's grandmother and then my mother, no, I wont do that to my kids.

Buck made his choices in life that have led him to this point. Its not like he is some developmentally delayed adult that never had a chance. He did. He isnt the brightest bulb but he isnt stupid. He can be extremely arrogant. He has been married once. God knows how. He used to live here years ago when we first moved here to help take care for Tony's grandmother but he lived with the grandmother but wouldnt take care of her. He just mooched. He used to give my boys sips of beer. I hated him back then. He tells Tony I seem like I am so much nicer now...lmao. If he only knew I havent changed my opinion. He moved back up to the Greenville area not long after we got here and he never even came down for their grandmother's funeral. Nice.

 

[donna723]

Janet, I just don't know what to say but I'm so sorry that you have to contend with all of this! It just isn't fair!

I know you don't have a very good relationship with them, but is there any chance at all that any of Tony's other siblings would intervene? Not to take Buck on themselves but maybe to try to talk some sense in to Tony? If Buck has pulled this same stunt on some of them, maybe hearing what he did to them might get through to Tony?

 

[witzend]

Janet, I'm so sorry. If you truly can not get Tony to budge on this, you need to sit down an discuss basic rules just as you did for your kids. How long is he going to stay? Is there a goal date or a goal achievement for him to leave? What will he do to contribute to the household while he is there? What things are not allowed under any circumstances? And I hate to say it, but if he starts using again or steals, do you both agree upon - or at least do you both know what the other will do? If he's getting high and your action is to call the cops and have him hauled away, does Tony respect that? As intertwined as your two lives are, you are still individual people. If you can't come to an agreement as to what you'll do together, you need to at least respect what the other will do if pushed beyond their limits. Your house, your rules.

Big hugs...

 

[Hound dog]

1. Believe NOTHING, not one word, of what comes out of Buck's mouth. Church may or may not have been involved in the rental of his home and the sale of the car. This man is manipulative as all get out, and he's known for not being truthful.

2. Taking care of family is a wonderful thing, when it DOESN'T distroy your family, emotionally, mentally, physically OR financially in the process. Your IMMEDIATE family needs come FIRST above extended family needs. Like it or not, as an adult, Buck is EXTENDED family, not immediate. You and Tony are not in a position financially to take on the burden that is Buck, and it's already obvious the emotional / mental toll it's taking.

Buck made his own life the way it is, the time has come for him to feel some consequences for his past behavior. If he returns to drugs, then that is his choice. You and Tony (as in TONY) are not responsible for this grown adult. If he's in such a hard way, why is he not contacting the church that helped him so much in the past to help him again? (I strongly suspect he wore out his welcome in that dept long ago as well) There are other churches he can turn to for help if his won't step up.

I can't tell you what to do Janet. Your health issues complicate the situation. If husband pulled this on me, I'd have walked out the door so fast he'd have whiplash. He knew it, never pushed it. I feel the same as you about my home.

Praying hard for you and Tony, my friend.

((((hugs))))

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Janet,
Gosh I'm sorry this Buck character is back on the scene, Jeez.

A couple of thoughts....
One is that "wherever you go there you are". Trust me I know first hand that a "move" will not stop Buck's drug use if that is what he is determined to do.

Secondly, since he is an addict...why not suggest to Tony that you guys help "support" him into a Sober House where he is currently located. I mean, my goodness, if you guys don't have the resources where you live what kind of "help" can you really be long term cause this Buck guy is gonna need "supports" be it a sober house, AA, etc.

There is a group called the "Oxford Houses" they are nationwide. I'm currently looking into their sober houses for when my young difficult child gets out of jail. I think the cost is from 75 to 125 a week. Maybe one of Tony's sibling would pitch in to help get Buck into a sober house where he is currently living. Just some thoughts.

I too understand your house being your safety net. I feel the same way about mine...I am hardly out of a nightgown most of the time Janet. My mother is ALWAYS sarcastically asking, "Are you sick? You must be sick to be in your nightgown all day everyday" roll eyes. Ya mom, maybe if you hadn't raised me on a U-Haul truck moving constantly during my childhood I MIGHT not be such a recluse now!

Anyway, I sure hope you can Keep Buck where he is...Tony is really setting the stage for some long-term resentments in my humble opinion if this Buck comes back to stay with you guys, um.

Thinking of you,
LMS

 

[tiredmommy]

Watch your pharmaceuticals.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

Buck is lying about everything. Period. That is rule number one. IF he moves in he will not move out. Period. If he stays he will use your address as his and then try to make you go to court to evict him.

Sit down and write out your health problems that have to be taken care of. Doctor visits, and the cost. psychiatrist visits and the cost. Therapist and the cost. medications by name and the cost.

Then sit and write out what Tony needs and how much it will cost.

Let him know that if he cannot take care of all of that plus bills then it would be IRRESPONSIBLE and WRONG to agree to take responsibility for Buck and his medical bills. List Bucks health problems and what his medications woudl cost where you live.

Then ask Tony why Van won't step up and take Buck in?

Why won't the next brother?
The sister?
The other brother?

CALL VAN and have him come and see Tony NOW. Tell him that Tony and you may split up over this. Can Tony afford to go get a place to live? What happens if you tell him he can't live in your home if Buck is there?

Let Tony know that ALL your hard won mental stability will be gone in under a month if he brings Buck there. WHY won't the other brothers take Buck in? The drugs are the reason.

What is the chance that Tony will go to alanon? Drag his ass there for a MONTH before he can bring ANYONE home to live. Tell him it is a meeting EVERY NIGHT for a month or no one lives with you.

Of course I cannot make decisions for you. My husband wouldn't try anything like this because he would be very afraid of what I would do to make HIM miserable.

If Buck's sobriety is so shaky that he cannot live by himself then he isn't really sober and needs to have support that is right there. It isn't close in your area, nor are the social services to take care of a 50yo man with decades of drug abuse to his body and mind. Do you know the name of the church? Why not call and tell them to go get him and help him? HEck, call the police in his area and say he is threatening to kill himself if he can't come live with you and Tony (because I bet he is saying if Tony won't come get him he should just go get a bunch of drugs and shoot up and die - I would be anything that he has tried this with Tony at some point) and he needs to be taken to the psychiatric hospital because there isn't one near you and you can't take care of him.

What does Billy think of all of this? Would he and Jamie have any luck talking sense into Tony? For all Tony gripes about Cory taking everything eh has, why does he wnat a not very long clean drug addict with decades of drug abusing mentality to overcome to live iwth you?

Whatever you do, whether something we have suggested or not, you have my total support. I wish I could help.

 

[KTMom91]

Janet, I don't know what to say, but am sending hugs and prayers that Tony comes to his senses.

 

[Jody]

Janet,

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I totally understand how you feel about your house and having people in it all the time. I can't handle that mentally at all. It would make my fibro go all out of whack and i would be in bad shape. I am not in a relationship and this is one of the reasons why, I can't compromise on issues like this. Can't and don't want to. I just can't handle that kind of stress in my home anymore. I wish I could tell you what to do. I know what I would do, I would tell Tony and his brother to get a place of their own, and once his brother grew up and put on big boy pants and supported himself then Tony could come back home, if I wanted. All of our situations are different though, and I so hope that Buck just disappears somehow. Do we all need to get together and get a plan together for Buck so that that happens. lol.