Someone's difficult child here with questions about rehab

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by stalln4x, Oct 21, 2012.

  1. stalln4x

    stalln4x Member

    Hello parents,

    My name is ___ and I'm an addict and an alcoholic. I can't quit K2 on my own. AA is helpful when the addict in me isn't telling my parents how it's just a bunch of crackheads saying they can't control themselves. I'm done with it now forever, just like I have been before. I finally ran out and my CCard's maxed out luckily. I spent every bit of cash I had and all the coins my parents put in my car for parking meters down to less than a dollar. Why anyone smokes this is beyond me now and I was thinking that to myself when I noticed there was some of the little leaves stuck inside my jacket on the fuzz. I spent an hour or two in the university library picking little pieces of plant matter out of my jacket and smoked it in the bathroom... I did this twice. It makes me feel like ****, it makes me feel sad and depressed, it lasts 10 minutes maybe, and I can go through $100+ in a day or two really. I need rehab. I need to make this stick. I need 30 days where I can't get high. I need to convince myself that complete abstinence is the only way. Drugs are disappointing when I do them now and it's to the point where I think weed, alcohol, etc. as feelings in my body and can consciously distinguish me in spirit/mood from the drugs I'm feeling to a point.

    Consciously, it's like... why did I do that? It's not fun. Then I smoked specks of k2 in the library

    Of course, my dumb ass made up the excuse that I just started doing drugs again because I wanted to go to rehab and that when I ran out of K2 the first week this semester, that my first thought wasn't "aww, no more K2" but "no more rehab". Which might be true? I'm not sure. Maybe it was after a bag or two, but then why would I have kept doing it? I'm a damned addict and I do need rehab... I think my addict mind was kind of subconsciously swapping things around, doing some kind of sideways reverse psychology. They also took my cell phone one time they caught me using after around this time, and (I cringe as I type this) there was a website for one of those resort villa rehabs open on it. Which I honestly wouldn't be willing to go to as I feel that would make me feel more self-centered and isn't really necessary, plus I'm not dumb enough to think that's going to help anyone prepare for the real world.

    Rehab is what it's going to take. I know deep down why I want to go, and yes, 1/3 of is is to be an avoidant coward and avoid life, college, etc. for the rest of this semester (and maybe not murder my grade point average quite so bad--I've got holes on my transcript from missing semesters before, but now my grades are AWFUL; that's what drugs get you). At the same time, as soon as I smoked it, it was like "Ooooh, that's why". And yet 30 seconds in, it's just feeling good but deeply sorrowful in spirit. Thinking about what I've done to my family and whatnot.

    The 'real me' has gotten through to my psychiatrist/therapist enough that I think I may not be able to get any more benzos, which is good. I shouldn't take anything for sleep in all honesty, but at least now hopefully Valium and Temazepam don't come up in sessions.

    Rehab would work, I'm pretty sure. Real me, deep down, wants to be a college professor someday. Real me doesn't want to say "haha, I was a 'hopeless addict' and now I can have a beer with friends fine". Real me wants to be 33 and say "Haven't touched a tranquilizer, a drop of alcohol, or a particle of k2/weed in 10 years and I don't Real me wants to not give a **** about drugs and alcohol. Real me knows that having a point where I decide once and for all that I'm an addict is what it's going to take and that it's going to take being invested in "never" in order to really be able to do it. AA is going to be a good thing for my life just for the social club aspect/meet and see people who are having good lives without use, including some around my age. Deep down, I think spending a month of my life specifically away from substances and to pound into my know-it-all head that I'm an addict and that every. single. time. I. do. drugs. i. don't. enjoy. it.

    Does this sound at all like your difficult children? Did any of them feel that getting that first big "boost" from rehab is what it took?

    Did rehab hurt any of your difficult children?

    I worry about the stigma but as I heard at AA, it's stupid to be ashamed of treatment but not of being an addict.

    P.S. Did anyone else get scared sh-tless that they were logged into facebook and this was going to show up when they saw the new chat bar thing?
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Stall - I posted on the SA forum.... but really you sound so ready reading this!! I think my son feels a lot of what you do but he is not where you are yet. I hope he gets there some day. I am really hoping for the best for you!!!!

  3. stalln4x

    stalln4x Member

    Toughlovin, I just wanted to say thanks for the replies over in SA. I have a cousin your son's age who, as I found out pretty recently, didn't finish high school either and has been having substance problems. I guess he did rehab and is now in a halfway house--my mom told me and said she wanted to know it wasn't just me who has problems.

    I can also say that a lot of people, both who I've been in college with and from high school, had their rebelious drug adventure phase (myself included, with a little less adventure) and eventually found that it just gets old and there's a point where you realize that the substances and cheap thrills aren't satisfying but merely pacifying. Sounds like he's getting the benefit (?) of starting to learn to fend for himself, which I wish I had started having to do a little bit at that age but I've unfortunately kind of sucked my family into the wake of some of the chaos I've been creating.

    by the way, I'm taking you and Nancy's suggestion of seeing if my therapist could help talk to my parents about this and am going to send him a letter. I'll say a prayer for your difficult child!