Something is definitely going on

[JKF]

MrMike - I can't thank you enough for your reply and kind words. Although I would never wish this pain on anyone it truly helps to know that there are others out there who get how difficult this experience is. I love my son with all of my heart and it goes against every instinct I have to turn him away like this. But I know if I don't stand my ground he will never ever learn how to succeed. I'm so sorry you're experiencing the same thing right now. I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

RE - I read and reread your post several times today and every time I envisioned you all encircling me and holding me up I couldn't help but be comforted. Thank you for that.

Anyway - I'm not gonna lie - I am absolutely devastated. He was SO close to permanent independent housing. Closer than ever before. Tomorrow would have been move in day but instead here he is BACK AT SQUARE ONE. I was SO hopeful this time around and I feel a genuine loss right now. I cried so hard on my way home from work today that I was nearly hyperventilating. It's weird but I actually feel like I'm in mourning.

He didn't call today but he did message me on Facebook to let me know he was able to retrieve his belongings from the room and they are being stored for the time being at MHA.

I admit, I have once again started searching for housing options and emailing people in search of help for him. difficult child doesn't know this though. I can not give up on him yet. I guess I'm not ready for that level of detachment and that's ok. I hope in time I will be but not yet. Also, my father has once again offered to let difficult child come live with him in Idaho. Some of you might remember that this was all set to happen in April but difficult child's probation officer refused to allow him to go. I'm not gonna lie though - if it comes down to it and there are no options left here in NJ for difficult child I'm sending him out there this time. The probation officer isn't even here in our state and is in sporadic (at best) contact with difficult child. All they want is their money for difficult child's misdemeanor crime. So yeah I'm fully prepared to go against my beliefs and break the rules and send him out there to my dad and a chance for a better life instead of letting him be homeless on the streets again all winter because he owes $1000 to the state of PA. It's not happening again.

But that's an absolute last resort - first I'm going to continue to search endlessly for help for him and encourage him to help himself. Maybe there's one more miracle left.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm happy to hear you felt comforted...........we all need comfort to manage these issues our difficult child's bring to us...........

I would be devastated too JKF, you worked like a dog to make this all happen for him. I would have cried buckets as well.............and I have............for very similar reasons. I always think of that quote Cedar once said, "this is a personal devastation like no other." Yes, yes it is.

Oh JKF, you have to follow your heart and your instincts and give your son what your heart tells you to. None of us can judge another, we all have our own distinct path, our own unique kids and their own different issues..........each of us decides when we hit the end. You've heard all our stories, each one of us went the distance with our kids, to the very end of the road, wherever that road lead us we went......and for some of us, when the road ended, we dug new ground............just to keep going......... Only you will know when that road ends and perhaps it won't, there are some kids who wake up and yours may be one of them............or not. But, we all understand how much we all have to try. It is what it is. I always say this and I believe it with all my heart, there is no right or wrong and it takes as long as it takes.........this is the hardest thing most of us will ever have to do.

Sometimes I have thought that with all our efforts, all the attempts we make and then all the disappointments we endure as a result of our kids not following through or worse, throwing the opportunities away.................that there comes a point where fate takes over and what is "supposed" to happen, happens............even it that is the worst possible outcome we as parents could have imagined...............that it is the 'soul' growth the person needed to have happen in order to heal/grow/learn/advance...............this may sound esoteric and a bit odd, really it's all just a jumble of random thoughts I've put together to make some sense of how my own child acts and responds in the world.

There seems to be a common thread among many of our kids..........in addition to the disrespect, entitlement, disregard for authority, nonchalance about rules and others rights...........there is also a profound and deeply desired need for complete freedom to do what they want to do............no matter what the cost.

Only after coming on to this site did I realize how common a thread that is among many of our kids. I wonder if that need for freedom, precipitates the addictions and/or mental illness that some of our kids have...........if the need to do it their way is so remarkable that they begin to go crazy trying to fit in with the rest of us..........my daughter has always been a 'freedom fighter'..............odd and 'outside of the lines'........even before she went so south as to be unrecognizable to me. I recall Cedar telling a story about her daughter shaving her head, which made me think the same thing about her, are they made so differently that living a "normal" life by our standards........... along with the ensuing judgments we place on them for being "not okay"..............does that push them further into the abyss?.................further away from our reality, the reality most of us live within...........I don't know, but it makes me feel compassion for them. Which is not to be confused with allowing bad behavior or disrespect, I still believe we have to set strong boundaries and keep the toxicity and manipulation at bay............for me it is then more about focusing on myself, taking the judgment off of my daughter, setting strong boundaries against disrespectful or negative behavior and then surrounding her with love.............. and in my heart letting her go into her rightful place, wherever that is, with my blessing, rather then my judgment. Right now, that place is not only not with me, it is estranged from me.

Your son is young, if I were in your shoes, I would be doing exactly what you are doing.........I might follow MrMike's therapist's advice and limit my responses while I look for options in the background, allowing him to be "in the wind" for awhile as he possibly gets the gravity of his loss. Or he may not, my daughter never seemed to feel disappointment about that kind of stuff, I was the one who suffered greatly in the disappointment arena.

But maybe our kids just really don't want to be tied down in a boarding house or an apartment...........perhaps their need for freedom must be met in a way we can't even begin to understand. Maybe on some level he knows that and sabotaged those efforts because he knew he couldn't make that work. Even though to us, they would be safe, perhaps safety is the last thing they're looking for. My need for my daughter to be SAFE is in direct contrast to her need to be FREE and those worlds continuously collide...........they are in direct opposition.

The reality with your son is that at his age his brain is still maturing and the part that controls impulse and being able to recognize consequences BEFORE a desired event is not fully developed quite yet............so there is still room for growth and learning, so it makes sense for you to stick around in whatever capacity you want to, for as long as you want to. My daughter's brain has already developed, this is truly who she is at 40 years old. You have time to negotiate this territory IF that is what you choose to do. I was a frequent guest in that territory and now I've chosen to exit for my own sanity.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you, these are my own thoughts and musings which sometimes make sense to me and offers me solace and what I believe to be a glimpse into worlds I don't reside in............ with all my heart, I wish my daughter didn't reside there either...............but she does and now that I'm over here not trying to protect her or save her or fix her, I am now just trying to understand what happened to her and be in some manner respectful of that.

Hang in there JKF, you consistently make very good choices, you help, you back up, you let him know how much you love him while you keep yourself safe and set good boundaries. You are clearly modeling positive, healthy and appropriate parenting skill. This shot you just took didn't pan out, and you worked hard to keep him safe................but 'out there' somewhere is a better option. That's what keeps me healthy, that somehow, everything is working out the way it's supposed to, not necessarily the way I want it to, but ultimately the way I need it to. As always, sending you caring thoughts and gentle hugs............Good night............

 

[scent of cedar]

We lived like that for years and I will never do it again!

It took over every aspect of every single one of our lives - myself, husband and easy child suffered for years because of difficult child's issues. My easy child is finally doing well after a consistent structured family life, no at home difficult child drama, daily medication and weekly therapy. It has taken years to undo all of difficult child's influence on easy child.

And that right there kills me to say because when I do I feel like I'm choosing easy child's well being over difficult child's.

But that's soooo not the case! I have set up services and shelter for him again and again and again and each time he takes what he needs and leaves it behind without looking back. I have been there to bring him food, give him rides, help with laundry, give spending money, take him shopping, etc, etc, etc and never once has it been enough to keep him from going off the deep end.

I feel so hopeless and defeated.

Do I feel like the worst mother in the world because I won't allow him to live in our home?

YES! I do.

My heart hurts so bad today.

I'm so sorry, JKF. I did not know the history of your journey with difficult child.

What I can tell you, without reservation, is that you are doing the right thing.

difficult child daughter's problems and the drama that attended her growing up affected difficult child son so negatively that, to this day, he accuses me of having deserted him when he needed me, when he needed his mother, so I could deal with difficult child daughter's weird, unsolvable, pointlessly nasty, never ending issues.

To this day, JKF.

When we were all in a tailspin over difficult child daughter, people told us, again and again, to let her go and concentrate on then easy child son.

I couldn't. I didn't know what I had done to create the situation with difficult child daughter. I stopped interacting with difficult child son as a mother. I stopped advising him, out of fear that, whatever it was I had done to difficult child daughter, I would unknowingly do the same to difficult child son. I remember shopping with him one day and being unable to help him decide on the clothes he wanted for school. I was kind to difficult child son, of course. I cooked for him, I loved him, I was so proud of him.

But I was afraid to parent him.

Because of the horrible problems difficult child daughter brought into our lives, because nothing I knew to do or could learn helped, I was like...broken, inside. I had no confidence, no authority, because in my heart, I believed I had somehow failed difficult child daughter and would fail difficult child son in the same way. You all know I had been in therapy for so long. What you don't know is that my therapy devolved into desperate quest to understand how I had failed as a mother, and how I could address that. I was so afraid I would somehow do the same thing to then easy child son.

So, JKF, I know a little bit about what you are going through feels like.

You have had to find courage to continue to parent. You have found courage to protect your youngest child from the chaos of your oldest child's illness.

I did not do that.

husband was there for easy child son, of course. husband and his brothers, too.

But husband was not easy child son's mother.

easy child son got into drugs, and you all know how the rest of that story turned out.

I don't have words strong enough to tell you how certain I am that you are taking the absolutely correct action, in keeping your difficult child away from your youngest child. I do know that, when we've made a decision about how we are going to get our families through what seems like an impossible situation...we're always going to wonder whether our choice was the right one.

As a parent who chose, again and again, against professional advice and over easy child son's strenuous objections, to bring difficult child daughter home AND WHO THEN LOST HER easy child CHILD TO DRUG ADDICTION, I can tell you, unreservedly, that you are doing the right thing.

I understand that my sharing what I have learned is not going to make the path you need to walk with your difficult child easier. But I hope you can see that the path you have chosen is the best decision you could possibly make. It is never going to be easy, with or for your difficult child. He is so young, and I know you hope for his best future. It is going to be hard, for a long, long time...but your easy child is safe.

If I could do it again, if I could have enough faith in myself to understand what I was throwing away to keep difficult child daughter at home...I don't know to this day what I would have done, but somehow, I would have protected easy child.

We never saw it coming. One day, he was there, strong and healthy, funny and happy. He was so angry though, about difficult child. She would be gone in treatment for months at a time. Things would come back into balance. difficult child would come home. Things would get bad.

And one day?

easy child was gone.

difficult child son, miserable and angry and addicted, was there, instead.

difficult child is disgusted by his sister, and angry at me for bringing her home again and again, to this day.

I hope my story helps you to be stronger, JKF.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, too.

You are doing the right thing.

And it's hard, so hard.

Cedar

 

[in a daze]

Thoughts and prayers your way, JKF. We can cry together...

 

[JKF]

RE and Cedar - I have responses to your wonderfully supportive comments from earlier but I will post them tomorrow when I'm on a real computer and not sitting here pecking away with my pointer finger on my phone. lol

I do want to share that difficult child messaged me on FB earlier just to say hi. I replied back and said hi and told him I hope he's doing well. Of course, me being me, I asked him if he was staying at the temporary shelter tonight because we are having horrible weather. It was crazy before with thunder and lightning, rain, wind and hail like I've NEVER seen before. difficult child wrote back saying that unfortunately the shelter is full but he's ok and can handle the night on the streets. He also said that he's taking it one day at a time and trying to do what needs to be done even though (and this is a direct quote) "this freaking blows".

Despite the lingo he seems like he's handling this well. From the very beginning he's been handling it surprisingly well and that's something I've never ever in my life seen with him before. In the past he's ALWAYS freaked out and blamed everyone else for his mistakes but this time he knows HE messed up and is taking responsibility for it and dealing with (so far) the consequences in a clam, mature manner.

And of course here he is all calm and I'm a mess like never before. I can't shake the sadness this time around and I've been crying for days. And reading his calm mature messages doesn't help. It makes me feel guilty and second guess myself. This is such a crazy ride. I want it to stop now.

 

[scent of cedar]

JKF, if you can do it, make a determined effort to believe for the best. Picture in your mind that difficult child is safe. warm, happy in his own way. This will help you. If the situation is other than that, you will learn of it soon enough. Right now, you are suffering over something you cannot change. Your son knew this would happen and he chose it, JKF.

One way or another, consciously or not, this is what he wanted to do, next.

There is nothing you could have done to stop or to change what is happening, now.

Your son has not been victimized, he did not walk into this unaware. For whatever reason JKF, this is what he wants to do, for now.

We were horrified to learn our daughter was going to be homeless.

Horrified, sickened, sleepless.

And while we were suffering? She was fine, JKF. Not fine by our lights, but by her own.

It was a comfort to me to call shelters in the area and learn that homeless people could shower, eat, do laundry, receive mail. That my difficult child chose not to avail herself of these services was HER choice. When she did come home this summer, I learned that there is a whole subculture on the streets. It is dangerous, but people form little groups that watch out for one another. They share what they have. No one expects them to be sane, no one tries to control them. The rules are harsher, but very basic. They are able to do exactly what they want to do.

Please, JKF, use all the tools at your disposal to make it though this first, horrible night.

husband and I have learned that it is about surviving what our children choose to do. They do seem determined to walk the paths they end up walking WHATEVER WE HAVE DONE TO PREVENT THAT.

After all these years, I understand that my difficult child daughter is just...different. She truly could not care less about clean sheets or meals on time or any of the things that matter, to us. She went where she wanted to go, every time she went to the violent, vicious people she has felt most comfortable with, all of her life. I cannot say why this is. Not for her, and not for your son. But they are choosing this path, JKF.

Bless him, pray for him, and let him go.

As Recovering so often says, surround him with love, and accept that he is going where he wants to go.

He knew what would happen, JKF.

He wanted this. Crazy as it seems to us, this is what he wanted. Just like it is what my daughter wanted.

Please post often. We are here. We understand.

Sending strength, JKF.

I know how this hurts.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Sometimes we parents hit those walls................I remember that...........crying a lot.............maybe on occasion we just need to fall apart, express all of that frustration and sadness..........it's all so overwhelming and hard...........there is NOTHING you have to feel guilty about............try hard to let that go................all your choices are perfect...............it's just the difficult child world, it is crazy making..............he can be calm because he lives on a different beam.........the rest of us have appropriate responses..............that's what you're having right now, an absolutely appropriate reaction to insane data...........I am so sorry, I really understand how all of this feels to you.............I wish I could make it stop for you.................many hugs.............lots of prayers............we're all still circling and holding you up.............let us know how you are............

 

[scent of cedar]

I am here, too.

Consider and cherish all that you do have today, JKF. Gratitude will help counter the loss and the horror. Though you hoped this would not happen, you knew that, whatever happened, this part of your journey with difficult child son would not be easy.

You can do this. You are strong enough, wise and compassionate enough, to bring your family through this and to go on, from here.

This is a page in the story of difficult child's life. There will be many other pages.

You need to be strong, now.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thinking of you JKF, sending prayers and hugs............let us know how you are..............

 

[JKF]

Just a quick check in right now. Cedar and RE - you both write so beautifully and openly and I can't thank you enough for your support and encouragement. I find myself reading your posts over and over again and your words are very comforting.

Anyway, everything is the same. difficult child is fully on the streets. The temporary shelter is history now too. He's been sleeping at the train station. OMG - the reality of this situation is killing me. I went to see him this morning and I brought him sweatshirts and a blanket and a few homemade ham and cheese sandwiches. He was very appreciative. I felt like I was in a really bad dream. Standing in the library parking lot handing my oldest son a duffel bag with warm clothes and a blanket so he can sleep on the streets is something I never ever imagined I would have to do. I drove away in tears and cried all the way home.

My husband and I are leaning heavily towards sending him out to my dad. There he might have a chance. Here he has nothing. Every single bridge here has been torched!

Anyway - it's going to be pretty cold here tonight. Supposed to get down to 38 degrees. I just can't take this. Please keep my difficult child in your prayers.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh boy, it's very difficult to be a mom to a person who lives on the streets. I understand how much of a struggle this is for you JKF, I really do. I have been on that road many nights with my schizophrenic brother who lived on the streets of L.A. for YEARS (not now) and my younger sister who lived I don't know where for months at a time when she was young........(not now, she is a successful artist with her own home)and my daughter who has slept in unsafe places outside too..........(she now lives with a roommate who wants her to leave, but still, she's temporarily safe)......ugh.......I know...........

Your son is definitely living the natural consequences of his choices, bad as they have been.........Yes, it is like a bad dream and one that's hard to escape from because you're responding to another's choices. It's sounding as if living with his grandfather may be a good option for now. Perhaps that's where he is meant to be.

Your difficult child is always in my prayers............as you are.............I am sending hugs and hope that you can have a comfortable evening too............that you can let go a little and relax...............you are most likely much more upset about this then he is...................perhaps a hot bath and a good book...................

 

[scent of cedar]

JKF, this is when you have to believe for the best. Believe that your son will survive, and that he will learn from this experience. Begin planning to send him to the relative. Sometimes, that is just the change they need ~ once the kids realize there are consequences to their decisions. I am sorry you experienced providing those things ~ the sleeping bag and the sandwiches ~ for your son. It kills, to do that. But you have done the right thing, JKF. Your son did know what would happen if he did what he did. He did it, anyway. I'm not talking consequences. I'm talking choices. For reasons we will never understand, there are some children who need to do it this way.

My daughter was one.

I bought her a sleeping bag, too. Sent food, and heard all about how she and the bad man enjoyed it.

But I did what I could do. And so did you. More than anything, your son needs to know you love him. He knows that. Why ever it is that he needs to go through this terribly dangerous part of his journey, that is what he has elected to do.

All we can do sometimes is love them through it.

You are doing that. You didn't turn away, you didn't condemn him. Because you were there, he has a strength so many street people do not have. This is something my daughter told me. Though she chose the street life, she was never hopeless, because we loved her.

Your son knows you love him. He probably doesn't understand why he needs to do this anymore than we do. But your love, your compassion and understanding will help hm come back.

As Recovering so often tells us, pray a white light around him. Love him.

Love yourself through it too, JKF. There is strength to be found in accepting what is and loving the child, anyway. If your son is wiling to try moving to another area, the experiences he is having now will help him to do better, there.

Remember when I told you difficult child daughter said the street has its own community? Believe in that, and believe your son is safe and warm and learning what he set out to learn.

We are all here for you, JKF. I know what this feels like. I know too, that your suffering is not going to change anything for your son. Take care of yourself. Get out of the house. With husband, if you can do it. Really try to understand that, though we cannot see it, there may be a purpose here.

All those things help me.

But I get it that nothing really helps, and I'm so sorry this is happening.

Cedar

 

[lovemysons]

JKF,
Just wanted you to know that I'm keeping your difficult child in my prayers.

LMS

 

[in a daze]

Thinking about you and praying for you JKF...

 

[scent of cedar]

38 degrees. That's cold. He still sleeping at the train station?

How are you doing?

We got difficult child a really good sleeping bag she could carry in a back pack. I worried about the cold, too. difficult child will lose the sleeping bag (it will be stolen) if he cannot fit it in a backpack. Check out Goodwill and places like that for sleeping bags. You will be amazed at what you find.

Good, warm socks. difficult child told us homeless people must be constantly on the move. Their feet become abraded. Good, warm, dry socks to change into makes all the difference, for them. Cotton socks.

Hat and gloves.

Those packages of cleansing wipes. Gel handwash.

Peanut M&Ms.

Those chewable multi-vitamins. They don't always have access to drinkable water.

A small bottle of non-alcohol mouthwash.

You can tell I was like, really strict about difficult child's situation while she was homeless.

:O)

Cedar

 

[InsaneCdn]

Cedar... I worked at a company that adopted a "street" of homeless people for Christmas. Traditional hampers don't help them at all... your list is pretty close to what we were given, here's a few more additions:
1) sugarless gum - it's a "reasonable" substitute for a toothbrush (i.e. better than nothing)
2) tictacs or similar small mints, to control bad breath for when it matters
3) a few J-cloths - can double as a face-cloth, or a bandage, or a lot of other creative uses... thin enough that it hand-washes easily, cheap enough to ditch.

 

[JKF]

Cedar - yes he's still out there. Uggggh! I gave him a blanket and sweatshirts and a backpack when I saw him Saturday. Tomorrow I'll be dropping off some nonperishable food that he can eat after he's had his daily meal at the soup kitchen. The MHA is also helping him with showers and clean clothes, toiletries, etc.

The situation is definitely getting to difficult child now. He's edgy and complaining how much the streets suck and making comments that are meant to sting such as "At least YOU have a home". I gently reminded him that he, too, would have had a home (or at least a room in the boarding house) had he not made such poor choices.

Anyway, my husband and I have decided to go ahead and send him out to my father next week. Not as a "reward" but because we can't quite give up on him yet and we feel in out guts that this is the right decision. So he has approx 6 nights left here to deal with the elements and then hopefully he'll be on his way to a better life.

Please send lots and lots of good vibes and prayers that for the next 6 nights he'll be safe and stay out of trouble until it's time for him to leave. I'm a nervous wreck bc I'm terrified that something will happen to mess this up but I really hope not!

 

[scent of cedar]

This six days of learning what life is like on the streets will probably be a really good thing, JKF. From your report of difficult child's comments, it sounds like any romantic notions he had about homelessness are pretty well dashed. His grandfather will have rules, too. It is a blessing in disguise that difficult child has this limited experience of homelessness to teach him about the cold, about no snacks, about no hot coffee, about mealtimes only at certain times, and that, if you miss the meal, you go hungry. Though it will be hard for him (and for you!), this might be just what your difficult child needs to do so he can make a success of the move to Grandpa's.

Don't do his laundry, JKF. Don't make it too easy on him, at all. It's only six nights. Though he is young, he is a man, and this was his choice.

Remember the Serenity Prayer.

Try to believe for the best.

Picture him warm, and well fed, and safe.

Maybe, this six days of homelessness will be the experience that helps him turn his life around.

It did comfort me to speak to the people who run the shelters. I knew then that difficult child daughter was making a choice. Has your son told you yet why he chooses the train station over the shelter? Here, the shelter had laundry and shower facilities. They would take the street people in to apply for their I.D.s They could get their mail, there. A nurse spent a day a week at the shelter, and could refer for free medical. Though she did avail herself of the other services, difficult child daughter wanted nothing to do with sleeping at the shelter because she didn't like the rules. Knowing about the things that were there to help difficult child helped us feel stronger.

I'm so sorry, JKF. It sometimes seems the kids are determined to take it to this level.

Holding you in my thoughts, this evening.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Holding you and your son in my thoughts JKF............big hugs too............

 

[JKF]

Cedar - by the time he leaves next week it will be two weeks on the streets. The novelty has definitely worn off. He hates it now. He keeps trying to make me feel guilty but I'm not budging. Tonight he said he can't sleep at the train station bc the police are harassing him and he will be up all night now etc. Then he said he was off to sleep in the abandoned parking garage. Ugggghh!! All I said was "I'm sorry. That must be hard." Not an easy thing for me to do but I did it.

As for the temp shelter he can't go back there bc he refuses to follow the rules. So they told him not to come back. The curfew there is 4:30 pm and that is just not something difficult child can accept. So that's his choice but now he has to deal with the consequences.

I know he wants me to tell him he can come stay here until he leaves but I can't do that. We don't trust him and I cant take the risk that something might happen. We ARE allowing him to sleep here the night before he leaves. One night should be fine but I can't risk 5 nights. Plus we have to work this week and easy child has school and difficult child could never be left in this house alone.

So even though I feel really bad and it kills me to say "sorry - figure it out" I do know that we are helping him a great deal already and I shouldn't feel so guilty. We are paying for him to go out to my dad, we are allowing him to spend a night here when we said NEVER again, and both husband and I are taking off of work to see him off.

So yeah - 5 nights. So near yet soo far away all at the same time. Please keep sending positive vibes our way. I will be walking on eggshells until he's off and on his way.