sometimes I really hate my life

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by sick and tired, Oct 1, 2007.

  1. sick and tired

    sick and tired New Member

    I found this site through the net, looking for tough love info.
    I'll try to be brief.

    40 y/o, Single mom for 12 years, I don't drink or date. I work full time and have been diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorder.

    Matt, 21 - dorms @ college during the wk - comes home on the wkend.

    Cass 16 - graduating a year early from high school, plans to attend college next fall. She refuses to help @ the house,she has used drugs in the past, she has drank on occassion, she had sex with her 1st b/f after dating him 1 wk. She won't do as she's told. I can't leave her alone for long periods of time unsupervised because I am afraid of what trouble she will get into. She has few friends. Today she slapped me and called me a :censored2:. She said she plans on not coming home from school tomorrow, so don't expect her. She refuses to feed herself and she still :censored2: her thumb.

    by the way dear old dad showed up after 12 years and said he wanted visitation. WE went to court (cost $1700) and he had to go to drug/alcohol evaluation - he failed, tested positive for marijuana and cocaine. He withdrew his petition. He scheduled the test so he knew when he would be tested.

    My net income: $300/wk - We live in a 2 bdrm apt. my car is 14 years old. child support$60/wk - which she claims is rightfully hers.

    I am tired and can't take anymore. I have been to hell and back and I don;t know what else to do other than get a PINS petition. If I send her to her father's - I can only imagine what will happen to her. The only other person that might be will to take her for any length of time is my brother - but she has access to alcohol there - she has taken it before, I know she will again. I can't do this anymore. I'm too old and too tired. any ideas? I'm all out.
  2. jamrobmic

    jamrobmic New Member

    Does she listen to your brother? Would he be willing to lock up the alcohol for now (we still lock ours up, even though alcohol doesn't seem to be our son's "thing," at least not at the moment). Right now it sounds like you need any kind of break you can get. We went through a lot of the same things with our son; I can't imagine how I would have dealt with him on my own. It was exhausting enough with two of us trying to deal with him.

    Has your daughter had a recent mental health evaluation? If not, I would schedule one as soon as possible. Getting the juvenile system involved did help us have a little control over our son, but it didn't solve all of our problems. It created a lot of new problems as well. A lot of decisions are taken out of your hands when the system gets involved. And it can get expensive. Getting mental health help did the most to improve our situation, but it took a while to get the diagnosis and the medications correct.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Sounds like you've been through the ringer and your daughter is turning the crank!

    1st: Go get Ross Greene's book "The Explosive Child". It'll give you some insight to how her brain works and gives you ways to work with her. Some of the stuff sounds like he's writing the book watching your family in the livingroom! Not a lot of technospeak - written like a regular guy.

    2nd: has she been diagnosed? If so, who diagnosed (psychiatrist, psychologist, school system, therapist, etc.)?

    3rd: if you can get a neuropsyche at a Children's hospital or teaching hospital (I don't know if you're NYC or upstate: we have a research center here that does them).

    4th: if you have to, put PINS on her. She's asking for it, you're just giving her what she wants. :devil: Drinking & dope are gonna catch up with her fast if she's pulling all of this stuff.

    Welcome to the gang! There's a lot of knowledgable, experienced, big shouldered people here (they can be pretty funny too!) that lend an ear all the time!

  4. sick and tired

    sick and tired New Member

    HE is the ONLY one she will listen to. As for locking up the booze - he has a fridge in the garage and his opinion is that a drink wont hurt her. he doesn't seem to realize that she doesn't stop at one.

    She has not had an evaluation. I just read a page on ODD - and I think it is right on target. Here I thought it was me, or she was spoiled - or whatever. I never thought this could be a mental health issue. I hate to get the authorities involved, i know she will twist the story and God only knows what she will tell them or who they will believe. I was hoping to get through this year just so she would go away to college and I would get a break, I thought I could make it another year.but after today, i don;t know any more. you know i have given up so much for my kids and I would do it again, but i am so tired. I thought if I loved them enough, it would make up for everything that is wrong in our lives. Now I just want to vomit because I feel like everything I did was for nothing. I remember when she was little, I would give her basic instructions and someone asked me" Why do you talk to her like she is a dog?" I didn;t do it intentionally, i did it because that is the only way she would listen. Even now, if I give her detailed instructions, she won;t do it because it is too involved or if I give her basic instructions she won't do it because she says I didn't tell her what to do! I can't win!

    I am going to schedule the evaluation ASAP - provided we make it through tomorrow. something has to change or her whole life is going to be a huge mess! by the way she is taking AP courses in school and has excellent grades - go figure!

    thank you for all your help and advice. i really appreciate it!
  5. sick and tired

    sick and tired New Member

    Thank you for the welcome. She has not been diagnosed but after finding this site, I plan to have it done ASAP. I am in Buffalo and there is a children's hospital nearby. I will cal them tomorrow. I get paid on thursday and will order the book then. Thank you for all your help. I think I am going to go to bed now.I am exhausted.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board.
    You've already gotten some sound advice.

    If she were my daughter, I'd have her evaled as fast as they can get her in.

    I'm glad you found us. You're gonna love it here.

  7. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    If PINS is the same in NY as it is here for me in Massachusetts, I WOULD file the petition. I filed a CHINS( Child In Need of Services)on my then 15 year old daughter. She was placed in foster care for 4 months and it was the best thing for all of us. She will tell you that too! It also allowed us to get services quicker for her. At the very least, you could call the juvenile court to find out about it and what services can come from it. Good Luck...
  8. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    It's good to read you are going to have her evaluated. It's an almost impossible feat to know what's needed otherwise.

    Glad you found us and welcome!
  9. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I also live in NY state. I filed a PINS on my dtr when she was 15 and it helped create a paper trail of sorts and also protected me from any problems with CPS or police--it was clear that I wasn't a negligent parent just letting her kid run wild (she was running wild too--skipping school, staying away all night, drinking, drugging, etc.) Unfortunately, it didn't help her turn her life around--the probation officer tried to help and also warned her of all the bad consequences she was likely to incurr. I ended up sending her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in Utah when she was nearly 16. She relapsed on return and I filed another PINS when she was 17. This time her violation of it resulted in her being court ordered to rehab. By the time she left rehab she was nearly 18 and then she left home, did lots of stupid things, but at 19 decided enough was enough and now she is able to support herself and has settled down.

    Anyway, good luck to you--you will find this a great group of people to commiserate with and also to get lots of good advice from!

  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I'm really glad that you know now that this is not a reflection of your parenting. For example: my oldest was a "rager". He'd blow a gasket about everything from the time he was roughly 2. I kept telling the dr., day-care, eventually schools that there was something going on that I couldn't figure out. Turns out he had aspergers syndrome which manifested as ODD and ADHD. ODD rarely stands alone, so the multifacet diagnosis was no surprise. So I spent the early part of his life thinking I was screwing up when in fact it was the "professionals" insisting that he was 1. too smart 2. spoiled. :grrr:

    Don't beat yourself up (she's doing enough of that!). You're "barking up the right tree" right now!

  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Welcome! Yes, get to a Children's Hospital and ask for a multi-discpilinary evaluation. Be sure you get a neuropsychologist on the team. If you can not get a team, get to a neuropsychologist.
    Even if you get no help in Buffalo, you could try Strong Memorial in Rochester. They have a huge children's ward.

    The inability to take more than one direction and yet not give specific enough instruction, is familiar to me with my ADD difficult child.

    (difficult child = Gift from God or the child that brought you here).
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of all, your son is undermining you by keeping alcohol where your difficult child can get to it. I would tell him to stop coming home on weekends if he is going to allow your daughter to use alcohol. He is contributing to the deliquency of a minor.

    Second, you could be describing my difficult child in her younger days. She was also an excellent student who was in honor's and AP classes. She never got into trouble at school.

    Our home life was a different story. She was defiant, disrespectful, used drugs, and stole from us and our easy child on numerous occasions.

    We finally had to kick her out (not once but twice) before she finally started to straighten out. She is now living on her own, has a job delivering pizza, and has gone back to college full time (after several false starts). She has also become loving and pleasant now ~ something that I wouldn't have thought possible when she was 16.

    Looking back, I wish we had sent her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or EGBS when she was your difficult child's age but I didn't even know that they existed back when she was in what we now call her dark years.

    We did go to counselor after counselor but things didn't get better until we forced her to grow up by refusing to let her bring drugs and chaos into our lives anymore.

    You can't do that, though, since your difficult child is only 16. I would do what the others are suggesting and get her evaluated.

    Welcome to the board. So many of us have lived through what you are going through now.

  13. branbran

    branbran New Member

    I am also from NY, Westchester County and I agree with the PINS, It will at the very least protect you from any blame. I received most of the help for my daughter through the school system, if you could believe that. She got all her evaluations through the school as well as most of her placements. She is in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in Mass. right now, but when she was home and getting in trouble alot, the cops told me I needed to file a PINS petition to protect myself, they told me that I could get in trouble if I didn't do something to help my child. Little did they know, I was living in hell and bending over backwards for her on a daily basis, but I needed something on paper to prove it. I can't complain about the system in my town, the courts and the schools have always worked in my favor, my daughter has always gotten what she needed. I guess we are lucky in that respect. In my opinion, you should file the PINS petition. If she violates, she will pay the price, however she just might get the help she needs. The best thing that ever happened to my difficult child was her getting arrested. She was in lock up for a few months, but ultimately she was placed in a good facility where she is actually making major improvements. We just had our first overnight home visit this past weekend and it went really well.

    You have found the perfect place for lots of advise and support. The people on this site are wonderful, full of knowledge and kind words.

    Good luck. Keep us posted. :smile:
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Here I thought it was me, or she was spoiled - or whatever. I never thought this could be a mental health issue. I hate to get the authorities involved, i know she will twist the story and God only knows what she will tell them or who they will believe.

    Lets see: So far she (a 16 yo child) has

    Intimidated you
    Slapped you
    Called you names (which is an ignorable offense if you want it to)
    Run your household
    Not pitched in to help even by cleaning up her own messes
    Done drugs
    Slept around
    Called your bluff on every above offense and you've basically done:

    I guess at this point you could take her for an evaluation, but....
    Is she going to commit to therapy?
    Will she take prescribed drugs or continue to self medicate?
    Will getting a diagnoses cause her to help around the house?
    Will it make her stop sleeping around?
    Or will she continue to steam roll you?

    Personal experience says - she'll continue to steam roll you. Therapy would be good at this point FOR YOU. She's not going to go. But you can, and you can learn how to quit being such a door mat to this child, realize you have the right to feel safe in your own home (ie slapping, drugs, booze to an underager, language) And you have a right to know that in allowing her to do what she's done she has worn down your self esteem. Gosh I bet you are on top of your game right now huh? (being sarcastic here)

    My assessment of this situation from what you have written is that you need to learn how to communicate with this child, stand by what you say, and if she threatens or intimidates you again call the police. It's hard to say what your local police would do in a situation so why don't you visit them and ask for a victims assistance liason. They will be able to give you the inside into what WILL happen, COULD happen, if you call 911 and report her let's say......for not coming home EVEN IF SHE TELLS YOU "I'm not coming home this Friday." at 16? THAT IS RUNAWAY. Tell her before she goes to school "You will come home tonight and every night or I will be calling the law." Most likely if it's her first offense the police will ask you if you have an idea where she is at, go to that house, pick her up, bring her home. If shes runs the minute she gets home you pick up the phone and call them again. If she continues to do this eventually the cops will get tired of her shenanigans, and you can go to family court, file for a petition of incorrigibility, she does a 45 day evaluation in a kiddie jail, gets a psychiatric evaluation, maybe some medications, and a placement that a.) gives her a taste of real life, and b.) gives you a much needed break so you can continue therapy to find out that you really are a valuable person, deserve to be loved, and this isn't all your fault.

    As far as her twisting the story around? Yeah sure, she'll try that too maybe, and when she does - there will be an investigation. And what will they pin on you? You don't drink, do drugs or go out. Been there, done that....I didn't punch him in the eye officer...I'm 5'8 and 240 lbs, used to box and I promise if I hit him he'd be holding his face together. After that? I didn't get questioned about "Oh yeah well I'll tell them you beat me!" Yeah? Go ahead. If I beat you - you sure wouldn't be telling anyone - you'd be writing it on a dry erase board from the ICU. JERK.

    -Heck she may even get to tell the world why she's so angry and start to mend her own life. You have to know you have done the best you could. Stop saying I should have this or that. You did what you've done and thats it. Now move on from here and start taking care of YOU. YOU DESERVE A LIFE. If she's going to be miserable? Let her be that way....without dragging you down.

    Would I call the police if I heard "And I'm not coming home from school? YOU BETCHA......Three or four times. And every time they brought him back to me. And I sent him to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) the last time and guess what? I never heard it out of his mouth again.

    Hang in there and come here often. You need friends right now.

    We're here for you!
    Hugs & Welcome
  15. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    good words from star.

    your daughter may not want help right now but you need a break. if she does go to your brother's make sure he has legal custody so he can be resp for any trouble she gets into, not you.