Sometimes we don't see what's in front of us clear enough

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Tiapet, Jun 16, 2012.

  1. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    So it was my birthday a few days ago. I never make a big deal of it and quite frankly, have tried to make it go away, push it aside as much as possible. Especially when someone starts asking me what I want, etc. I just can't deal with it and would rather it just not be. I know probably everyone feels just the opposite but I have a reason.

    20 years ago my ex and I had gone to an event (happens weekly)that we usually went to sometimes for enjoyment. He invited a male friend of his but this friend did not show. My family also went. At the time my ex was a drinker. As the night wore on he got madder and madder over it and of course he was drinking.

    We returned home. I invited my sister over. My family lived right next door. I don't recall what happened at the time but something did and he asked my sister to leave. She didn't and said it was my house to and asked if I wanted her to leave. Of course I said no. BIG mistake.(she never liked him vice versa) He grabbed a hold of her and tried to drag her off the couch, hurting her back pretty good. She decided it was time she left. Knowing her if she didn't it would get pretty ugly.

    I don't recall what happened to get him going more but I know he was punching me in the face, specifically my nose and didn't stop until it bled. Next thing I know was the cops showed up and arrested him and took him. I was stupid at the time and I think I didn't want them to as he had stopped. Of course they couldn't because there was evidence (the blood).

    Apparently my sister had come back over to make sure I was alright and knocked on door but we didn't answer. Then my father came after her and did same thing and no answer. He told me (back then) that he heard yelling. They decided to call the cops.

    My sister kept pushing me to go to hospital to get looked at but I wouldn't. She did so because when her ex was abusing her I forced her to take pictures of herself and the damage because she wouldn't go to remind her of what was done. Coincidentally we, in later years, learned just how badly she had been abused that we DIDN'T know about (choking, spitting on, etc..) that she had kept hidden.

    I had decided somewhere in the wee early hours of the morning I would go to the hospital as I was in so much pain. I went to the local hospital and didn't wait long even though there were a lot of people. I handed them the card the police had given me for domestic violence assistance. That's all I needed to do. I got xrays and treatment. I was given medicine for the pain and left knowing my nose was broken and I'd have some black eyes for a few days.

    Mean while, when I got home ex had called and was waivering between remorse and not feeling like he deserved to come back home and not wanting to come back home and then finally deciding he was but would never drink again. I can tell you that no, he NEVER did drink again after that (which was only 7 months into our 13 year marriage) but he never gave up smoking his drugs. He never gave up abusing us verbally, emotionally, psychologically, mentally. On very rare occasions there was extreme low level physical. What I did not know back then was the other "abuse" he was doing. I only learned what it was after the fact. I consider myself pretty smart but I sure felt extremely dumb and embarrassed for a long time on top of the embarrassment I had felt going through it (and everything else you go through anyway).

    Now for the reason of this post. After 20 years I have held on to all this and felt the way I did about my birthday. I finally JUST told SO why I feel this way (been with/around him 9 years now so he's dealt with it and didn't know why all this time). I did it in text because I am STILL feeling the effects of the abuse in so many ways years later (which he is too and has to handle and we discuss often). I can't often verbalize things but sometimes I can put it in a text. Less personal perhaps?

    Anyway, I wanted to share the text with you here in hopes that maybe, just MAYBE, it may help someone else out there dealing with abuse or were abused and don't realize the lasting effects it can have on you and that IF you find the right person......well just read...:)

    "Ok, but I am NOT him. I would never ever act that way. Why should you keep a tradition that comemorates that night? I am a new partner with a whole new dynamic and trying to help you make a new life. After 20 years, I think you should loosen the grip on parts of the past like that. I love you and enjoy celebrating you. I'm not always good at this kind of stuff. Ok, maybe I svck at it, lol. But please dont rain on my parade (for you). "

    Please, if you are in an abusive relationship there is help.

    Here is what it may look like in case you don't know (and there is still more).

    Here is the national hotline

    There are plenty more places for help. Tell us here. We can also help. Feel safe and know that there are lasting effects years down the line. There are many of us the CD family that have also been through it on many levels, many ways that are there for you too. You are not "stupid" for staying, no it may not be "easy" to get out but there IS a way I kid you not! It is NOT impossible to get out no matter how bad it is! safe and do it for your kids if you can't do it for yourself as it will effect them too.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    (((hugs))) Tia

    Your SO is right. I understand where you're coming from, I do. But I'm thinking perhaps it's time to replace a really horrible set of memories with some good wonderful happy ones. It might not be easy to do at first, but will feel more "right" as time goes on. You have every right to be loved and cherished and celebrated. You could maybe start out with something small and quaint.

    You're right also. It's terribly hard to throw off abuse, regardless of the type of abuse. And sometimes even when you truly believe you've healed and overcome can still sneak up and bite you when you don't expect it.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Tiapet, first ...HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Turning the anniversary of the day of your birth into a celebration could be empowering! I can't advise you at all so am just wishing this for you. Sounds like a loving thing to share with SO too. He wants to let you know how worthy you are. I'm glad you shared. I think it can help others and hope it will help you too.
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    Happy Birthday, ((((HUGS))), and thanks for sharing. I hope doing so brought you a bit more healing.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Tia... Thank you. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY - because it should be a time for celebration. It might take a while to get used to that part, but sharing with your SO was the first step. Sharing with us, the second. :bigsmile:
  6. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Happy Birthday. I hate fathers day for similar reasons. I hide it from husband as best I can though. If you figure out how to let go of the effects of abuse I'd like to know.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tia...let me tell you I totally get where you are coming from. I know you have heard me mention on here - probably several times - that I was kidnapped and raped at 18. The date was June 12, 1980. I dont think it is a coincidence that I have been feeling rather crummy the last week or two. It has been What? 30 years now? I can still vividly recount the entire thing. I even remember what I was wearing. It used to be that I would go ape from the beginning of May until the end of June. Like clockwork. You might as well just not expect me to be human. For awhile we didnt know why it was happening but then we caught on...a duh moment there! When Keyana was due to be born in early June in 2006, I didnt know whether to be happy or scared to death. I wasnt sure I could handle something good happening during that time frame. I was afraid that if her birth was, oh heaven forbid, on that date I would simply lose it all together. Actually it probably would have been a really better thing to have replaced very ugly thing with a beautiful thing. As it is, I have found myself looking forward to her birthday so much during normal years and actually find myself forgetting the date all together. This year has been different because she isnt here. I dont have here to distract me. Nothing special happened. It was just another day on the calendar that I noticed the date of and I wasnt busy with her.

    But for me it did take 26 years. Thats an awful long time.
  8. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Hound, you are right, it is going to take some time before this will feel right to me. His words just hit me square in a place that hadn't reached before. I wasn't ready for anything this year exactly except for acknowledgement so it's a small step and it's enough. I'm always having stuff sneak up on me and have for years and he's had to deal with so much of it and we just have worked through it gently. He is really great about it because I have so very many triggers and often don't know it at the moment but can look back after the moment passes and see it and then we discuss. He will do just about anything within his power to make my life better in anyway he can and does. He knows about the history but not many specific details until I share. He has told me his life's mission is to see me through what ever amount of time I have in what ever state I am. He knew when he got involved with me that my health was on a down hill and could end in the future. Who does this? Only someone who truly cares!

    Buddy, thank you. I'm not ready for celebration at this point. The acknowledgement was enough for this year. Tiny step forward. Sharing was another and was done specifically in hopes of helping, if only 1 person.

    Thank you Keista. Yes, it did. Each piece I share in time of my life, the things that were done does help and that I learned a while ago. It's just not an easy thing as there was so much done (not just by ex). The more you share the easier it gets in time they say. For some of the things it has, others not so easy.

    Thank you Step. Yes, several "steps". LOL I'm not looking for the acknowledgement or I don't know what you call it. I just wanted to get it out there in hopes to truly help some one, anyone.

    Thank you as well Liahona. I'm sorry that Fathers Day is a trigger for you. I wish I had the magic for anyone who experiences things like this but I don't. I just take it one day at a time and when something occurs that triggers something I try to deal with it as soon as I realize that it has happened. Something like this has been going on for a long time and has had wide sweeping effects. I really didn't realize until he put it the way he did that I was "commemorating" the day. When put that way, well it puts a whole new spin on it and I don't like it looking like that. I don't want it to be like that because it's just one more piece of my life that was taken away and I let it this time. No more!

    I'm sorry you had to go through what you did Janet. I can relate on some level to that experience as well, though I was not kidnapped. I was 17 and I was raped as well. I actually got over that a bit easier then this but I still have many triggers too from it. Sharing helped with that a lot and why I did better. I think abuse tends to make you feel more shame/embarrassment/etc, though you don't really have a reason to, somehow there is a whole lot more to it. I haven't been able to wrap my head around it and I think I've really tried to just put it behind me as much as possible. I believe it comes partly from the fact that you stay with your abuser when you really should have left where you don't "stay" with your rapist perhaps. I don't know if that's the answer. Just a guess.

    Really, thank you to everyone for being supportive. Thank you to everyone who has read this and not responded. I know you're out there and I TRULY hope that I have helped someone!!!
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I have a card for you......but was not sure if you wanted a birthday mentioned you HATE birthdays. So it's here. Not sent. Shame too - it's funny as all get out. Has a donkey on it and everything.

    I want to add something to your ASTONISHING post.

    FIRST? It takes a TON of courage to make a post like this. To write about an event like this that is life-altering isn't easy. Even years later? You see that it's still stuck in your mind, and it has changed the way you think, how you do things, how you percieve you even ALLOW yourself to CELEBRATE YOURSELF. That one event - FOREVER changed a very special day - ONE SINGLE day - that has trickled down in your life and probably caused you to do many, many things differently in your life that you may or may NOT be aware of. It's like fractured glass. Or stepping on ice.......watching the little fractures run everywhere. No pressure? No fraturals.....Same in life with abusive relationships.
    Years ago? I met and married a man that abused, tortured and tried to kill me numerous times. This happend over and over the course of our marriage. Finally I got out, and got counseling - I was in counseling for more than 15 years to put my life back together from the things that man did to me AND the things that my life needed to be FIXED from being adopted and not understanding how blessed I was - and how things got misconstrued in my head....and my sense of self-worth.

    ONE event in a persons life can get so convoluted it sets in motion a chain of events that alters them forever - and that can be something as SIMPLE as a bad day on the playground, or as serious as being bullied or a parents divorce, or child abuse. Don't EVER be afraid to seek counseling and continue to talk with someone about things in your life that happened and get it OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE - because the things that happened to me? TOOK 15 years in therapy to help me adjust and work out. I'm still on AD's and I have NO problem telling anyone about it - or telling anyone - YOU NEED HELP - because - well - if you need it - and you know it - why should you not tell someone? If your tire is flat? That's obivious - if your brain has a flat? You may NOT know it. But if no one tells you - you may run around for life going - wabbity wabbity wabbity wabbity.......blap blap blap blap .........and well? To me it's just not worth it - I'd tell someone if they had a flat.......I'm not shy about telling someone if their brain is out of kilter too. And you know if it is --------(and mine is on occasion) lol......(raises eyebrow) hmmmm......but seriously ------

    TIA -



    HUGE HUGS.........

    oh and I passed my test~! :nervoussmiley: