Son #2 and daughter in law...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KTMom91, Dec 29, 2010.

  1. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    We had dinner with mother in law last night, and she filled me in on some conversation I'd missed on Christmas Eve regarding daughter in law child raising theories. Now, I like my daughter in law, and I am not offended that she feels more comfortable with her mother than with me...I felt the same way when Miss KT was little.

    Apparently we are not to mention Santa around Maddie, because daughter in law does not want her daughter to think that a man will bring you presents. There will be no Tooth Fairy, no Easter Bunny, and nothing else of that genre. She decided to home school, so Maddie won't get any of those kinds of ideas. Although she is going back to work, no one but her mother, sister, or cousin is allowed to watch Maddie.

    Both Son #2 and daughter in law are seriously overweight, and though I don't know daughter in law's history, Son #2 must be doing some serious overeating. He's put on close to 150 pounds since they got married, which worries us. He's not even 30 yet. Also, Hubby's family is pretty close, with Sunday lunch at Grandma's twice a month, and everyone helping out when someone was down, and Son #2 has almost completely pulled away, saying he hates everybody asking for help all the time, and yet he had no problem being the recipient of "all that help" when he was struggling. This is a new thing, within the last six months or so.

    Just a bit of a confused vent, I guess...I never kept Miss KT from her father's parents, even after we divorced, and I certainly didn't isolate myself from Hubby's family. It just seems strange to me.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Odd. I suppose daughter in law is entitled to her views on santa ect but she's robbing her child of much of the magic of childhood.........her problem I guess. Over protecting is what it sounds like she has in mind.........and it will backfire on her in a huge way eventually.

    I call it First Child Syndrome.

    I'd give Maddie Santa gifts just for Went through something similar with Nichole's boyfriend..........and didn't work for him cuz no one listened to such foolishness. lol

    It's so easy to declare all this sort of stuff when your child is a usually doesn't quite work out that way though.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sounds like first child syndrome to me too. New mothers know everything dont you know? LOL.

    Billie told me she had everything down pat before she gave birth. She was an expert because she had been a "nanny"...and I use that term loosely. I think she babysat for a kid once in a while. She wanted to tell Cory how he wasnt holding Keyana right, how he wasnt putting the diaper on her right, how he should give her a pacifier, blah blah blah. Finally he told her off. He was doing it just fine and when she had one, she could do it her way...lmao. Well, Billie also had her own opinions on medicating kids, foods, diets, blah blah blah.

    I seem to remember that she would never allow a child to be medicated. That was just taking the easy way out. Let me tell you how fast Jamie shut her up! She also swore her kids would only eat wholesome foods, organic, no processed- fast food junk. We all know that Hailie lives on chicken nuggets, hot dogs and cheese balls! Thats some wholesome food there!

    Im waiting on the medication to come.

    I have no idea how your daughter in law is gonna keep Santa, the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny away from Maddie. Its not just you or someone in your family that are going to tell her...its the entire world. You cant put the kid in a bubble so she never sees an advertisement. Is Maddie never going to know about the Disney Princesses either? How about Mickey Mouse? Elmo? Where does one stop?

    I dont think anyone has been harmed by the myths of Santa, Easter Bunny or the tooth fairy. I was afraid of Santa and found out pretty young that the Big red man wasnt real but I understood the sentiment. I was afraid that if some large man could climb down my chimney to leave presents, then he could also come any other time of year to hurt me! My parents pointed out how many Santa's I saw and did I really think they could all be the same person? That kinda dawned on They kinda just broke it to me that it was a spirit type of thing. No one was coming in. I was safe.
  4. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    First part is the idea of not perpetuating a lie (ie: using Santa as a tool to get a child to behave and not lying to them about where the presents come from). I've met parents who do the same, no biggie honestly and it's just another parenting technique is all. Homeschooling while working is not the definition of homeschooling. Need to be home to homeschool a child.

    As for the weight issues. I don't know what to say, maybe you could gently bring up that you are worried for them and love them very much and want to see them healthy and there for their child and family?
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Dear KT's daughter in law,

    Good luck with all that.

  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well Im not big on using Santa as a tool to get the child to behave by using Santa as a way to get a improve behavior by threatening to remove presents. Just this past week my daughter in law was screaming that at Hailie and I completely rolled my eyes because the kid was at negative presents and we all knew that simply wasnt going to happen. Simply a futile empty threat that would never be carried out and leaves the kid not believing the parent at all. Teaches nothing but that parents dont mean what they say.

    I tell Keyana when she is begging me for toys in the store from August on that she needs to ask Santa Claus for that for Xmas. She is 4 and a half right now. She will go down the toy isle and pick something out and look up and say "Santa, I really want this for Xmas!" Her wish list changes constantly. Starting about October, I start taking pictures of her on my phone as she does this and I tell her I have to send these pics to She better think long and hard about what she is asking for.

    I do this too about the end of April and the beginning of May for her birthday. We have the birthday fairy. Better tell that fairy what you want them to think about what you want. Gives me an idea about what she really wants for her birthday. I may or may not get her that item...or I may get one item and a few other things she really needs. Like a special doll plus some much needed clothes or shoes.

    Easter Bunny always comes. I will never stop that until she is grown and has kids of her own. I love to hide eggs and have them hunt them and find them. I love to make easter baskets. Just what goes in them changes. The basket may change. Maybe it wont be the traditional basket. Maybe it will be a purse or hat or some other container she wants. My mom actually put my easter stuff on a record one John Denver if Im not mistaken. I put one of the boys stuff on a baseball mitt one year. Its fun to be inventive.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    We used to go through the Toy R Us ads, and before Katie could write, she would cut out the pictures and glue them to her letter to Santa. I never used Santa as the bad guy for her behavior - there would have been nothing under the tree in that case - but she did have to tell Santa thank you the way she told everyone else.

    When she was old enough to recognize handwriting, I had a guy friend of mine fill out the tags for gifts from Santa. That kept her guessing!

    And yes, the Easter Bunny still comes to our house. Last year he brought Miss KT a color book and crayons, among other things, and she was thrilled. She likes to do I.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I never did the Santa to behave thing either....................................... I mean the dude comes one day a year. That's not going to be very effective bribery for all the other days of the year. I just did the Santa wants you to be as good as you can thing and left it at that, effort counted too. But for a very young child Santa can make xmas magical......and I do hate to see parents rob a child of that. Children grow up much too fast these days as it is.

    I wasn't huge on the easter bunny or the toothfairy........although I did them both. My kids enjoyed it even when they no longer believed.......same for santa........and as adults they enjoy being secret santas to kids who are in need.

    If she really plans to leave out childhood myths........she's got her work cut out for her.
  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I had a neighbor do that for us this year, and even write a tag for a small gift for me, lol. We went through the whole "Yes, Virgina" stuff when it was on TV, and told her the same thing my parents told me about all the Santas out and about - they were his helpers, spreading the spirit of Christmas giving. While I personally celebrate Yule, she's more familiar with Christmas because it's what she sees in commercials, at school, etc., so I give her the choice and told her if she'd rather learn about Hanukka or Kawanza (pardon spelling errors) then we could go learn about those instead. She always chooses Christmas, and gets that Santa has different names and looks in different places because he's a spirit of giving, not an actual person. So she gets to open one or two presents on Yule, and the rest on Christmas. I have a feeling that this was Santa's last trip here, though.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member boys were told when they were younger and actually up until they had kids of their own or moved out, that if they ever admitted to me that they didnt believe in Santa, then the gifts would stop coming except for clothes and underwear. I started this with my oldest because he was 3 years older than Jamie and 5 years older than Cory. Obviously he caught on first. I didnt want him spoiling it for the younger two.

    So....I had full grown kids talking about Santa right up till age 18...lmao! It was only when we had grandkids to pass it on to that they stopped saying it....well actually, sometimes they will still say...but Santa didnt get me anything! LOL.
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Yup, I agree... Hope she's really, really into destroying childhood innocence.

    That's what it is to me. I believe, still, at the age of 38. I don't believe in some "jolly old elf" in a soot-covered velvet suit. I believe in the heart of it - of giving with no expectation of receiving. 'Cause that's what Santa does, right?

    Same for the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy... And the Great Pumpkin, if you want to come right down to it. I know a lady who refuses to let her daughter celebrate Halloween. (Religious holiday - All Souls' - HMM.)
  12. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    This makes me sad. My Duckie was so difficult when she was young (toddler through primary grades) that she would react with a strong negative reaction whenever I did something nice for her if it was out of the ordinary. But others could give and do for her... so I created the magical fairy. MF was known to leave little gifts and notes. She became a tool for me to express the love for my child that Duckie rejected. I also think that Mr. C helps kids see themselves as a part of something bigger than themselves... and they get good practice at exercising faith. We also said that Duckie needed to do her best... there's a lot of leeway there, lol, because Santa knows when you are really trying to behave well.

    But besides all this, it's really concerning to me that daughter in law (& Son#2) are willing to isolate themselves from family and the rest of society. There's a few red flags there.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Santa and the others also help kids learn to accept gifts nicely and to be polite. I know that Keyana has learned to say please Santa or Please Easter Bunny. And when she receives a gift or that basket...she looks up and thanks the "air" for her gifts. She also never says anything like..."oh...why did I get that? I already have one of those!" Even if she knows it comes from someone else, she is very appreciative to the giver, thanks them, gives them a big kiss and just moves on. No tantrum. She is just polite about things.

    We havent had to deal with the tooth fairy yet but I am planning on getting a special Tooth Fairy case for her to put her tooth in and the fairy will exchange the tooth for a dollar. Im assuming that is the going rate these days. I saw the case somewhere. I probably need to pick one up soon. My kids started losing teeth about age 5.

    I am sure she will learn the truth in the next few years. This year was absolutely perfect. I bet we dont have a whole lot more.
  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think the best you can do is let Son #2 and daughter in law know that you will honor their decisions and then support their choices. None of their choices are bad for the kids - just parenting choices. Isn't Maddie still a baby??? I think you can humor daughter in law at this point because either reality will smack her upside the head without any help from you or she will find a way to make it work. The key thing to remember is that daughter in law controls access to Maddie.
  15. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    As a non-Christian whose kids did believe in a limited way in Santa (H is Catholic), my first thought was that maybe she didn't want her daughter to think it was ok if men give her presents. I was really afraid that if they believed in Santa. my kids would then be more vulnerable and might fall prey to pedophiles who would tempt them with toys and trinkets. I am a relatively rational person, however, and got over it. Santa was never used to influence behavior in my house because i really didn't buy into the whole thing. Actually, we didn't even really have Santa. We had Hanukah Harry who drove a big white Cadillac and helped Santa deliver presents to Jewish kids.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I've read your post subjectively :sigh: and I don't think it is really about holiday celebrations. Your son has decided that his wife should be able to make decisions for their family. Although I agree that lst time parents often have unique ideas about raising their drives me nuts that grown men so often defer to their spouses, often without objections. We've lived it and it still amazes me.

    Our son didn't have that particular issue to face (or ignore, lol) but he very often opted to be quiet about really nutsy ideas
    to our shock. Example ?? my daughter in law gave their toddler "yummy oreos" to make his "tummy feel better" when he had loose stools. WTH! She also has always preferred to spend time with her family and we actually don't know their children on an intimate basis as a result. We see them a couple of times a year. Very fortunately they are nice, bright kids and a true pleasure to be around. Miracles happen, lol.

    Only time will tell how this all unfolds but I'd suggest that you neither impose your ideas nor ignore your traditions in your own home. Hugs. DDD
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    DDD, I think you meant "objectively".

    Yes, difficult child 3 was. It has caused us a great deal of headache and heartache. We tried to shield him from these myths because of one belief system is proven to be only a myth of childhood, what does it teach him about all other belief (and faith) systems? Especially when we knew we were dealing with autism, I tried to prevent the Santa stuff (and easter bunny and tooth fairy - although that was less o a problem) from slipping past, but it was grandparents who SNAFUd it up on me. I got so angry - I had made it clear. Trouble was, they did not accept the diagnosis at all, were angry about it and filling difficult child 3's head with detailed stories of Santa only caused a great deal of grief. The school added to the problems - again, I had asked them to not do this. Simply being around it wasn't a problem - it was adults talking to difficult child 3 and telling him about the jolly red gentlemen who gives stuff away for nothing...

    I don't know where difficult child 3 is these days with his belief systems. I don't go there.

    Before difficult child 3 I would have been sad to hear of a parent censoring such stuff from their child. Now - I cheer.

    However, there are other things in this story that bother me. I would try to gently find out why K feels she needs to do this. And I would respect her wishes in this - no sneaky gifts, please. Do not undermine something like this, it may have an important reason. As I did.

  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My word use may be off. I intended it to show that it was influenced by personal experience. When I read the post I thought that the directive was indicative of daughter in law's who start with one issue and usually move on to multiple ones. on the other hand, lol, I hope it is just a holiday thing! Fingers crossed that I am completely wrong. DDD