Son a sexual abuser?

[ggluvbug]

I have not been around for a long time, but maybe someone else can help me out. My son, who is 11, is bipolar, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). He has been in and out of the hospital 4 times...the last one for 3 months after I voluntarily commited him to the state hospital.

About 2 weeks ago, my son inappropriately tickled my neice and my daughter. He did it 2 times and eventually admitted it. I have been watching him closely and talking to him, and this weekend he shared with me that he has thoughts of killing my daughter and hurting her through sexual means. I have caught him 2 times peeking in my daughter's bedroom after they were asleep.

I am scared, and I don't know what to do.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

 

[klmno]

Welcome! I haven't had that situation, but I do agree that it is very serious and something needs to be done ASAP. Fortunately, it sounds like he hasn't actually hurt any girl yet so it appears to me that having some sort of intervention immediately would prevent the worst for the girls and for him. I'm not sure the best steps to pursue that though. I'm aware that you can call CPS, but there might be a preferable way of getting him some help. Is there a family member that he or your daus can stay with for a few days until you figure something out?

 

[klmno]

Also wanted to add- I think some others here have some experience in this area, so hang tight and you'll get more responses and advice. The board might be a little slow this evening, so it might be a good idea to also check back tomorrow. Hang in there!

Obviously, don't let either him or the girls out of someone's immediate supervision- protect the girls no matter what.

 

[ggluvbug]

I don't have anyone who he can stay with. it is my sister's daughter whom he touched. My father in law is out of the question. And my mom is out of town. Tonight, we are going to a small group at church, and he is going to have to go with us. I can't trust that he would behave himself out of my sight.

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, I would make sure he sees a very good psychiatrist. If this were my child, rather than trying to guess what this means, I would want him in very aggressive treatment and would want him watched very carefully. I would not leave him alone with other kids. It may be nothing, it may pass, but I read "True Crime" and I wouldn't ignore it. I would try to help him now, while he is still young--at the same time I would make sure he is within sight of an adult at all times. You may have to buy an alarm for his door at night. This way you can help him help himself. If he feels an unhealthy impulse when nobody else is around, with an alarm this will wake you so you can help him control himself. If he has touched the girls, he has already done something inappropriate, and you really don't know if he's done other things to other kids. He needs help. Now when you tell the Psychiatrist about this, he is a mandated reporter and will be obligated to call CPS. Use them as helpers. They are used to all sorts of trouble and are helpful if you show a willingness to work with them. (((Big hugs))) to you.

 

[ggluvbug]

I have a lock on the door, but I have been hesitant to use it because of a fire hazard. I didn't think about an alarm. I am calling his psychiatrist tomorrow to ask her about what to do. We have so many problems with him and impulse control that I am very worried.

 

[ggluvbug]

by the way, what is "True Crime"?

 

[katya02]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I think MWM has given excellent advice. I think the priority would be to get your son seen by a psychiatrist TOMORROW. This cannot wait, and if you explain to the intake people they'll agree. Your son would make criteria for admission, which will allow him to be fully evaluated asap and allow the girls to be protected. I know this sounds extreme but if he's confessed to these violent thoughts, and you've already caught him 'peeking' twice at night, it sounds as if he's beginning to act on his fantasies. Also you don't know what else he's done that he hasn't told you about.

If you get the runaround from the psychiatrist's office tomorrow, take your son to ER or call the crisis team and explain what's happening and why you're scared. That way he'll get evaluated right away.

{{{hugs}}} I'm so sorry. Please let us know how it goes.

 

[klmno]

It's my understanding that you are not allowed to lock a child in a room, so I think you are wise not using that. But, an alarm could be used. Really, I'd even consider having the girls sleep on the floor next to my bed (temporarily) under these circumstances, but that's just me. I think it is a great thing that he told you he;'s having these temptations. I think because of that, maybe he can be helped before anything more happens. But, what concerns me is that he's already taken some action on these temptations. If your girls are 5 and 3 yo, there is NO WAY they could defend themselves from an 11 yo boy.

 

[meowbunny]

I'd put the alarms on all three doors -- the outside of his, the inside of the girls' rooms. While it is normal for an 11 YO boy to be curious and incest by siblngs is far more common than most want to admit, your son has some serious flags going up. There's the fact he has inappropriately touched at least one girl already. There's the fact that he's fantasized harming your daughter for sexual pleasure is frightening. He needs help and, from the sound of it, more help than he has been getting to date. It really is sad when we do everything possible up to and including hospitalizations and it's just not enough.

HUGS

 

[BusynMember]

It is not normal for an 11 year old to act out on a 6 and 3 year old no matter how curious he is. I would not try to sugar-coat this. Has he maybe been abused himself?
"True Crime" is actual crime stories. And many of the men started out with violent fantasies that they didn't act on at first, but they escalated. I'm not saying he will end up that way, but getting him help if paramount. My guess is he won't tell you everything that he thinks about or that has happened, but at least he is trusting you to get him help. I think he is asking you to help him from doing anything else. I would find somebody (not just anyone) who understands children who have sexual fantasies and are acting out. I am not convinced that just a regular therapist would be able to either know how serious this is or how to help him. This requires a very delicate, special type of help. It is too easy for somebody who doesn't "get it" to dismiss it, and I don't think it should be dismissed. It could get worse. It is well worth finding somebody who is famliar with this than to have something REALLY bad happen and the roof come caving in on you. There must be somebody who has special training in children with sexual problems. Good luck. (((More hugs)))

 

[change]

Hi. My deepest sympathies for what you're going through. I've just been through Hurricane Ike (not too badly thought THANK GOD) and it's still nothing compared to what my family went through and is still healing from that was just like your situation. My children are adopted, that's about the only difference. Please heed all warnings and "flags" and protect your daighters at all costs. We tried to do that and in the end, our son violently attacked our daughter and he was only 14 months older than her. She is just now beginning to "pick up the pieces" from it all and still has bad days. Every single day was bad for me for a long while too. I still have a bad day every now and then and live in shame a lot of the time. I feel like a family member died and feel a lot of guilt even though he is the one who put us through hell for many years. He was attacking other children since age 9 and no one would press charges nor help us except for private therapists and his alternative school. His behavior only escalated. Now, by court order, he can never return home. We are still involved in a case (just went to court before hurricane Ike hit) and are about to go again. I'm always stressed out. My daughter has a hard time being happy about anything for long. We are questioned about him all the time (where he is, where he's been, etc.) and we don't know what to say. We are just now beginning to feel better about an answer for those questions. Some family members act weird around us now and I have a few not speaking to us anymore. It's awful. Anyway, I wish you luck and hope it turns out better for you. I wouldn't do anything different as far as protecting my daughter except for having tried harder to get him out of our house sooner instead of believing he'd change. Maybe we could have spared her the violent attack.

 

[witzend]

Yes, I'm afraid that it sounds as though alarms are in very short order. It's a small step from opening the door to walking into the room.

I hope that you will be able to reach the therapist first thing tomorrow. Make sure that the person who answers his/her phone understands that he has made threats of sexual violence towards your daughters. If you can't have him seen at his regular therapist tomorrow, take him to the ER.

Good luck, I know this is hard for all of you. I hope that you will find the help that you need. Others will have good advice and more insights to offer, too.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, I am so sorry!
I agree with-MM, that you need to get your son to a good psychiatric. Find out if he has an actual plan of action or if he is just "thinking."
It is good that he actually said something aloud to you. You are very lucky to be communicating. Did he express concern or worry about it? Or was he ho-hum about it?
I would definitely get locks on the girls' doors. You don't want them to freak out, but just reassure them that they are old enough to have their own privacy now. I don't know how much they know or how worried they are about the touching that already occurred.
Are they cordial to one another at breakfast or after school? Or is everything totally cold and scary?

 

[timer lady]

I would guess the first thing is to not panic.....you're aware of the situation & it will be handled. The alarms are a good idea.

When my twin difficult children were at risk we put cameras in each bedroom, the living room, dining room & play room, with a monitor in the kitchen & at my desk. We moved a monitor to our bedroom at bedtime. All antics were recorded, more importantly I could be on top of things even when I could not be in the same room. Before you ask, I had 3 SWs approve this for kt & wm, only because we already had services in our home & many mandated reporters. (We picked up the equipment at Radio Shack.) Those cameras were a live saver until other placements, treatments came along.

I'd get your difficult child into a child/adolscent psychiatrist ASAP. Don't bother with the therapist until/unless a psychiatrist has seen difficult child & ruled in/out any major issues with your difficult child. There are treatment facilities for issues of this type.....

In the meantime, boundaries is the word of the day. Demonstrate boundaries.....demonstrate respect for others. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Let us know how it goes.

 

[Jena]

hi,

ok i know your head must be spinning yet i agree do not panic right now, keep in mind that it is good he spoke to you, and told you. that is huge in itself, often people won't share these thoughts because they are so afraid of them.

for now, i don't think i would treat him as an outcast in anyway, he still has to know that you love him, yet i understand your concerns for wanting to keep the girls safe ofcourse.

i would suggest maybe tell kids your going to have a sleep over with them, let them camp out in your room. yet any move you make right now he will know it's due to what you told him. i think that getting to the pysch a.s.a.p. is warranted.

it's hard to think of this right now, yet once you begin the therapy session, or even an initial talk with-the pysch keeping your mind open that your child may have suffered some type of violation himself is possible, possible.

ok try to stay calm if possible, i know this is very hard. my family dealt with a similar situation and well that person was removed from the home immediately. it was very sad.

good luck and update us and let us know how you are

 

[Wiped Out]

The others have all given great advice, I'm sending prayers and hugs your way.

 

[everywoman]

You need to put your son in a car right now and head to the nearest children's hospital. Do not wait to talk to the psychiatrist. You must keep your daughters safe. If anything should happen you would be held accountable and CPS could charge you with neglect. Do not hesitate. been there done that---know the drill too well.

 

[OpenWindow]

Back in June, my 12-yr-old son inappropriately touched my 8-yr-old daughter. He has also been intimidating her and threatening her for a long time. I told his counselor, who was a mandatory reporter, and she had to report it. Chances are, whoever you tell will have to report it too - there are some factors they consider like whether he touched skin or clothing, his age (in my state the age is 12), their age differences, and whether he threatened them or coerced them in any way.

DHS has been involved and has come to our house for several visits. We have a safety plan that includes a door alarm on our son's door (we got ours at Home Depot and it was not expensive) and we put a lock on her door that she can lock and can be unlocked with a key. (We also had to show her how to break her window to get out in case of emergency.) We can never leave them alone in a room together, and if our son goes outside to play one of us has to be there to supervise.

Sometimes having DHS involved is a good thing, and sometimes not so much. While we were nervous at first because they were talking about sending him away, but they have backed off of that and it has since been OK. Our son is getting an evaluation at the Children's Hospital with people that specialize in sexual abuse, both victims and juvenile offenders. Our daughter is in counseling and is going to go the the family treatment center at children's so they can make sure she is OK.

If you know of a lawyer, I would call there tomorrow as well. It can be very confusing and the day I talked to a lawyer I got so many questions answered in just a half hour. They usually don't charge you for a consultation and may be able to help you through some of the confusion.

I agree with those who have said not to panic. Make sure they are separated tonight and talk to the psychiatrist tomorrow, who will probably have to report it. Try to have a safety plan in place before DHS calls and comes by. The girls need to know you'll do anything to protect them, and your son has to know that you love him and that you want to get him help, but that you have to take certain steps prevent it from happening again. It sounds like he is reaching out for help, and that's a good thing. My son won't even talk about it, and gets mad if anyone brings it up.

It's not going to be easy for you. These havd been the hardest few months of my life. I want to help both my children get through this with the best outcome. I want to prevent this from ever happening to my daughter again, and I want her to feel safe and secure, and I want to help my son not grow up to be a sexual predator and to be a happy adult. I still think it's possible, and that hope has helped keep me going.

Linda

 

[ggluvbug]

I had to really question him to get him to give me the answers he gave me. He kept refusing to talk to me, but he did eventually. He was emotional at first, but when he went into details, his affect changed and he was very matter of fact.

I am calling his psychiatrist in the morning. My girls are secure for tonight.

God, I feel so sick....I can't understand any of this.