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Son Almost 18, home from residential treatment. Need Advice
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 707734" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My son is 28 now. We have had a lot of the same issues.</p><p></p><p>I will write this as of right now, while he is still underage and you have legal obligations for his care.</p><p></p><p>What I write here is what I wish I had done; not what you should do.</p><p></p><p>First, I would take as much control upfront as I could. If the rule is NO GIRLFRIEND in house unsupervised, you COULD spell out up front what will be the consequence if he violates it. Like he will not have the option of coming home when he will not be supervised. You could then put a keypad deadbolt for example, and control his entry. You could have an alternate place for him to wait for you to arrive.</p><p></p><p>But the thing to consider is any force on your part, could well be opposed by him with more force to resist, upping the ante.</p><p></p><p>Alternately, you could enlist the help of the girlfriend's parents to see if they could provide an after school environment that was supervised.</p><p></p><p>Or you could put in video cameras over entry doors, that transmit to your phone (these are widely available now and cheap) and confront any rule violation quickly. If he has any privileges like cell phone payment or internet, etc. you can take them away.</p><p></p><p>With curfew times my own parent locked the door, but we did not live somewhere that got very cold and I had a car where I could sleep.</p><p></p><p>The problem many of us face is the more pressure we put, the more acting out there is. And we come to fear the acting out.</p><p></p><p>Some parents remove doors, for example, and eliminate any source of creature comfort, providing only what is legally necessary. This to me, seems like war. But I understand when it becomes necessarily--when the child is in danger and putting others at risk.</p><p></p><p>With your own child, I would focus on the very real advances he has made.</p><p></p><p>I just now read your signature. I adopted my own son, too, as a toddler. And I was a single parent.</p><p></p><p>You have a younger child. That makes it trickier because everything that happens with the older child, is viewed/experienced by the younger.</p><p></p><p>Is there not study hall available after school until you get home? Or sports or another supervised activity? Why does he need to come home where he will be unsupervised, if it is already a concern?</p><p></p><p>And curfew. If he does not observe it, do you have to consent to let him leave? I mean, if he goes out, why not lock the door?</p><p></p><p>My son has made many agreements and has kept few. But he is getting better. I really think it is about responding quickly and without ambivalence when he violates agreements that he made in good faith.</p><p></p><p>I would keep in touch with the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff. They should have some kind of aftercare. After all every other parent of a resident, now home, has had to deal with the same thing.</p><p></p><p>I would consider Al Anon or Coda for support in setting and maintaining boundaries.</p><p></p><p>I wish I had something brilliant to say. But I do not. But I do understand....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 707734, member: 18958"] My son is 28 now. We have had a lot of the same issues. I will write this as of right now, while he is still underage and you have legal obligations for his care. What I write here is what I wish I had done; not what you should do. First, I would take as much control upfront as I could. If the rule is NO GIRLFRIEND in house unsupervised, you COULD spell out up front what will be the consequence if he violates it. Like he will not have the option of coming home when he will not be supervised. You could then put a keypad deadbolt for example, and control his entry. You could have an alternate place for him to wait for you to arrive. But the thing to consider is any force on your part, could well be opposed by him with more force to resist, upping the ante. Alternately, you could enlist the help of the girlfriend's parents to see if they could provide an after school environment that was supervised. Or you could put in video cameras over entry doors, that transmit to your phone (these are widely available now and cheap) and confront any rule violation quickly. If he has any privileges like cell phone payment or internet, etc. you can take them away. With curfew times my own parent locked the door, but we did not live somewhere that got very cold and I had a car where I could sleep. The problem many of us face is the more pressure we put, the more acting out there is. And we come to fear the acting out. Some parents remove doors, for example, and eliminate any source of creature comfort, providing only what is legally necessary. This to me, seems like war. But I understand when it becomes necessarily--when the child is in danger and putting others at risk. With your own child, I would focus on the very real advances he has made. I just now read your signature. I adopted my own son, too, as a toddler. And I was a single parent. You have a younger child. That makes it trickier because everything that happens with the older child, is viewed/experienced by the younger. Is there not study hall available after school until you get home? Or sports or another supervised activity? Why does he need to come home where he will be unsupervised, if it is already a concern? And curfew. If he does not observe it, do you have to consent to let him leave? I mean, if he goes out, why not lock the door? My son has made many agreements and has kept few. But he is getting better. I really think it is about responding quickly and without ambivalence when he violates agreements that he made in good faith. I would keep in touch with the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff. They should have some kind of aftercare. After all every other parent of a resident, now home, has had to deal with the same thing. I would consider Al Anon or Coda for support in setting and maintaining boundaries. I wish I had something brilliant to say. But I do not. But I do understand.... [/QUOTE]
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