Son arrested for possession of pot

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by outoftime, Oct 16, 2012.

  1. outoftime

    outoftime New Member

    My 19 year old son has been getting into trouble off and on for the past four years. His father and I divorced about four years ago as well. He has been arrested for minor in possession, breaking and entering, and DWI. The last charge was after he turned 18. Now, he is a college student at a local university -- he is very smart and has skated through school without trying very hard. Just before he started college, he got kicked out of his dad's house for not obeying the curfew and general disrespect. His grandmother owns apartments near the college campus, and she is letting him stay in one for very cheap. And, his father and I agreed to help him pay for the apartment as long as he kept his scholarship and got a part-time job. So far, no part-time job. He also has no transportation due to the DWI. For his 19th birthday, I actually paid for the DWI training and signed him up. Now, he has been arrested for possession of pot and pot paraphernalia. I am at my wits' end. I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I cannot believe he is doing this when he has such a bright future ahead of him -- he's smart, he has a full scholarship, and he has parents and grandparents who are helping him. So far, the help has not really helped him at all. So now, I believe that his father and I are going to have to just stop helping. Stop paying for the apartment. Could I still give him groceries?? I don't know. He could be in jail tomorrow after the sentencing. I don't think we should pay for his fines -- which will be either $1000 or $2000 -- not sure yet. Should I withdraw support and just let him go to jail? I find that so very hard to do. Yet, he doesn't seem to be able to make any good decisions. Since he got the apartment, he has had multiple friends over, been drinking (I don't know how much, but I know he has been), and of course, smoking a lot of pot. I don't even know what his grades are, but he says he has been going to class and doing well. He signed up for a second course, even. So I think he does want to continue college. What can I say to him? What can I do?
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome,
    Ugh, I sure feel for you, and I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. Your son is scholastically bright, but he's partying way too much, and taking full advantage of your generosity, and the generosity of his Dad and Grandmother. He's having parties in the subsidized-by-Grandma apt. He is not working. He says his grades are good, but I'd be doubtful till I saw the grades and attendance in black and white. Substance abuse by definition makes liars out of its victims.

    He's fallen into the life is a party culture that is common in college environments, but breaking and entering and DWI are no joke. He's seriously on the wrong path. I wouldn't pay for his court fines - let him get a job, let him EARN something. He is a man in the eyes of the law - that is important for him to know, so my advice is - FWIW - let him take the consequences. Perhaps the judge will put the fear of God in him. As you have said, all your help isn't helping him any - it's just making you feel better. But if you really think about it, does it feel better to be duped and swindled?
    You didn't indicate that your son has a history of any anxiety, mental issues, etc., so I'm assuming he doesn't. The divorce may have had an impact on him - has he had counseling to deal with it at all? This kind of behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum, so getting to the bottom of it is important. Your son has to want to figure this out, as painful as it is. Don't feel guilty - you have done everything possible to support him, and he's let himself and you down. He has to be accountable for his own actions, starting now.
    I'd suggest you find a welcoming support group for parents in your area that you can attend for strength and counsel, and also continue posting here. Again, I'm sorry for your trouble.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He's 19 now and there is little you can say to change him. I would cut off his money supply and let him work for it. In fact, that's what we did when daughter was using drugs, although she was into more than pot (and your son may be doing more than pot too). Although my daughter was busted twice for pot possession, pot was the least of what she was actually using, although we didn't know how bad it was until she quit and told us. If he is using the apartment for party time, why pay for it?

    I would find out about his grades and if he is even going to class. Tell him that until you make sure he is getting good grades and going to class, he will get nothing from you, not even groceries. Then you'll have more info in which to base your decisions on.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm reaching out to you with full understanding of your anguish, shock, pain and say nothing of the blankin' confusion that your son is causing you. None of us have THE answer. Take your time reading old posts and track what courses were tried and see what seems to fit for your family. Some of us have had normal kids who just went astray. Some of us have had exceptional kids who went astray. You have to use and think of the Serenity Prayer which many of us have found valuable in accepting the things we can not change, changing the things we can and knowing the difference. He has put you on a painful road. I'm sorry. been there done that. We are here to support you but obviously we don't all have "THE" answers. Hugs. DDD
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am gonna ask a few questions. You said he was arrested for pot and paraphernalia. How much pot? Was it just personal use ie. less than half an ounce and not bagged up to sell? If so, he is probably not in too much trouble. Misdemeanor charge. Tell him to ask for a public defender and then get them to roll the charges into simple possession of one or the other and that will be that. Or that is what I would advise. He didnt get caught selling meth. I realize some think I am a bit lenient.

    However you seem to have a fairly smart kid who has a scholarship to a university and if you can keep him going that is to his benefit. I hate to say this but lots of kids in college smoke and drink. Now I would never allow him access to a car because of his DWI. No way. I would make him pay his court fines. Normally the courts will tell him what the fines are and then ask him how long it will take him to pay them? Normally they will say something like we will give you two or three months and you will be on probation for a year but the kid doesnt get off of probation until the court fees are paid.

    Can you tell I have been through this a time or 12?