Son avoiding home after being released from juvenile hall

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Nov 29, 2007.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    difficult child has been at "Camp anywhere but home" for 3 months now after his release from juvenile hall.

    The people have around 7 boys at the home and they live up the road. Despite the great job difficult child had been doing about getting his community service hours under control, and getting but NOT KEEPING a job because (insert any lame, nonsensical difficult child answer to sense of self here).

    I got a report today that they want difficult child out. TODAY. The man who has raised and fostered OVER 400 kids (get this it just slays me) has NEVER EVER in his entire 68 years on earth seen or had a kid like this one. (OH REALLY ROCHESTER? DO TELL)

    The owner of the group home told the caseworker today that he has never seen a child so hell bent on stealing, breaking into things, he is stealing bicycles (AGAIN), and not taking a bath, doesn't want to go to school, has stopped going to community service, hasn't paid a dime on his probation, and last night since they have been having SO many issues with him - they locked him outside at 10:00 so he took it upon himself to TRASH the lounge area. He threw chairs at the walls, put huge holes in them, destroyed the table, ripped a clock off the wall and then stuck a pipe down the commode and flooded the entire house with 12" of water - his comment 'Prove it'.

    So - caseworker called me and said they are bringing him - and I SAID SHUT UP.....SHUT UP (bad word in our home) I said DO NOT even tell me you are sending him to MY home. HE&& no! I mean it. And can you blame me? It took these people (you know the ones the agency said were the VERY BEST IN THE WORLD WITH KIDS LIKE OURS) three little months to decide enough is enough. They don't get him, he's destroying more stuff than he can ever replace (really?), he's put everyone in a terrible mood (oh do tell), he's lying, stealing, and the neighbors have called the cops to have the stereo turned down for the 14th time (WHAT?) and now they want to send him to my house?

    I said - and I was NOT kidding - Take him to jail - I do not want him or his shennanigans at MY HOME. I will not take him - I will move first. I will leave the state and hide out and you will not find me. (Caseworker told me to calm down) I said - CALM DOWN? OH..okay (very coy) "Then YOU take him to YOUR home until YOU find him a place to go and see if you don't get him placed a little faster!"

    OH MY STARS IN HEAVEN are these people serious? WHAT the heck am I going to do with him - if the BEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD FOR RAISING KIDS like him cant' handle him or control him in less than 3 months. I know he doesn't spend much time AT the group home - he's off wandering, stealing. And NO ONE will press charges because if they do the group home will probably close down, be investigated by agencies blah blah blah.

    So I AM - (drum roll) A SAINT.....I am a SAINT MOTHER - The man told the caseworker if I put up with him longer than 3 months for doing the exact same things and WORSE? I should open a group home.

    Ah hahaha. ahahhaaha hahahah......someone take me away.

    Oh and then he says "Happy Holidays"

    I fell to pieces laughing. Then said -----yeah you too.

    HOW much smarter/stronger/braver/tougher ARE WE PARENTS - REALLY?

    Thanks for listening if you got this far....
    Star The hiding star - I am invisible.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I am so sorry. I so love the idea that we've begged for help, gotten nothing but hearing what sorry parents we are, the kids go into care or whatever and, when that doesn't work, they want to send the kids back to us. Um, if we couldn't control them the first time around, if your group home/therapeutic foster home/residential treatment facility couldn't help, what, pray tell, are we supposed to do?

    Hope they find a place to put him where he'll do less damage and maybe, just maybe, find something that will help him.

    Wonder what Father Flannigan would do with your son?
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat



    What is the outcome? What did they do with him?

  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    How old is this kid?
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    The fallen star has to be what...17 or darn close to it by now isnt he?

    I seem to remember him as being about 4 years behind Cory and Cory is now 21.

    Star...honestly, if he is raising such a ruckus in that place then tell them to call the cops and let them revoke his probation. Is 17 adult in SC? Me thinks it is. If so, maybe a year or two in the adult system would cool his heels a bit.

    After all I know, I wouldnt take him in either. Mistakes I have made.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Yes, Asteroid boy is 17.

    We did call the probation officer - she said there is no violation he has 3 years to complete his community service hours, and pay his restitution. SO THAT tells me someone told HIM it didn't have to be done yesterday - problem 1

    I am really so beyond saying "That place wasn't a good fit." because there is NOTHING / NO PLACE that is. At least I am not in denial any longer, and I HAVE lowered the bar on my expectations of him in general.

    He's a thug, a theif, who doesn't drink or do drugs yet. At best he will probably be a career criminal and live the majority of his life behind bars. He can't get along with anyone, refuses to obey ANY and I mean EVEN the tiniest request. He's vindictive and while he suffers from severe PTST - it's long ago the rest of the world got off the pity pot. If I were reading about him and didn't have him - I would tell me to call him and say "Goodbye, I don't think I want to be your Mom any more - it's too painful." AND THAT is the truth.

    When I told DF they were sending him home - he said "WELL HE JUST CAN NOT COME HERE." loudly. I just rolled my eyes and then had to endure 1 1/2 hours of - "You KNOW he can not come home to live." "THey are going to have to put him somewhere besides here." I finally walked out of the room - (I wanted to scream NO JOKE HE CAN'T COME HERE? WHY DF?) THen I realized he's just as frustrated as I am, but doesn't handle stress anywhere near my capabilities.

    The caseworker said he called me because I am the most resourceful person he knows when it comes to finding placements for kids - and now? WHAT do you do when every placement in the state says "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and I'm not joking even a little bit.

    I suggested they take him to the state mental hospital - but he really hasn't met the criteria according to them. Sigh.....

    I think when you are out of options - it's time to say goodbye.

    I'll be better off NOT knowing at all what he is doing with himself.

    Maybe the zoo would have him. Bootcamp said OH H* no. Not with his unstable record.

    Must think on this. ANY suggestions appreciated as I am really out of think juice.
  7. mary9461

    mary9461 trying to hang on

    My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have done everything possible. It is really sad when the system wants the parents to find placement for our difficult child's. I mean they work for the system and they can't place them, what makes them think we as parents can? I have found here in SC help is very hard to find.

    Know you are in my prayers << HUGS >>

  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Star, I am sorry. But, for all your VERY HARD work, your son is turning into your abusive ex. Sigh. I wish I never had to write that.

    Are all these homes aware of your ex's adult life?
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Star. I wish there was more to say.
  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I understand completely. It sounds like a rerun of my life and difficult child. My son went to many rehabs or whatever - when they had had enough of him and vice versa they would say come and get him! I was so sick of hearing that - it is like if they dont come and be perfect or try they cant stay. Why in the world do we want them back to do the same thing all over again! The last time my difficult child did that - he was in Georgia at a rehab I had tried a year to get him into and convinced the PO that he was ready - or he convinced them - anyway a month into the 6 months to a year stay - they called us to come and get him! I thought just like you - oh no - I am not having him here to ransack my house again and cause pure he88 here anymore - I said take him to the nearest jail and call Greenville county to come and get him - he knew if he messed up he was going back to jail - well they did and the judge violated his probation and he went to a correctional facility for 11 months - however if didnt "take" because he is back in jail now! How much more do we have to endure? We just physically had the child and did all the things we knew to do - you name it and I have done it - so have you. I would stick by my guns of having someone else either go get him or find another place - they always want to send them back home even when they know they are not well. It is easy for them. :rolleyes:
  11. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Okay Star---take a deep breath, close your eyes, breath---$%&))$$$#%^&*(
    NO! Tell them to take him where-ever. If these "people" with all the ability in the world can't keep him, those miracle workers who could take this poor misunderstood boy and turn him into solid citizen can't make him "obey", the state just needs to find the next program. Don't let them bully you---like you would anyway, warrior mom extrordinaire---
    I wish I knew what to tell you---where to send you--but everywhere we've sent ours, he's come back home.
    Hugs---and a shoulder---and an ear that is used to listening to the disgruntled rantings of my difficult child so it can handle all you can dish----
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Honey, I don't have much in the way of advice.

    I got lots of hugs.
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hey Star.........

    I have tears in my eyes.........I mean, really. You have been through SO much with I have......BUT you always handle it so amazingly on this board, with such humor and wit.

    I know how painful this is for the mom heart. You were just given one more reason to separate, completely detach, stop being "mom" - and that is frickin' hard! (Beyond hard - but you know what I mean)

    My thoughts and suggestions? I would, if financially possible, rent him an efficiency to stay in, in whatever town he is in currently, until he turns 18. Here in Texas, they are an adult when they are 17 - if where you live will not allow that, then move him to Texas. I am serious. Put the apt in your name, and then demand he sink or swim. He needs to work, or go to school - and you will only help him out until he does one of the 2.

    Here in Texas we also have the Texas Rehab Commission, which helps "disabled" people with housing, services, vocational skills, etc. I have just hooked my difficult child up with that - again - he can use it or loose it. I am sure where you live has something similar.

    At this point, you have done all you can - and you just need to let him stop fighting authority - and find himself. Be it thievery, or the next millionaire, you really never know - but he needs to do this - without any authority figure directing him - and without you suffering.

    Big, giant hugs.........
  14. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I wish I even knew what to say...can that. I'm glad I DON'T know what to say.

    All I can do is send positive thoughts your way. I wish that were enough.
  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Star, I'm out of town on business....wanna join me? You won't have to tell anyone where you are.

    As for this latest set of events...I am speechless...and so sorry.

  16. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Oh Lordy!!!! :smile:

    Nothing else to add!!!!
  17. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    There's always something more interesting than the last post from some of you! I can't imagine being in your shoes and all of us, even on a good day, can imagine the same thing happening to us in some fashion. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I feel how panicked you are. Tomorrow is another day.....
  18. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    Maybe you could drop him off on a deserted island and drop off food & water every month or so!!! You and you're family are in my prayers. love ya
  19. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'd do if my difficult child's Residential Treatment Center (RTC) called to say "come get him", but I know for sure I wouldn't have him back home. This is so hard.

    (Sometimes the system just makes you want to turn all difficult child on their bu.tts.)

    Sending strength and hugs,
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member close to 18 is he?

    Will SC cross state lines now that they have run out of instate options? I know NC will. I KNOW SC utilizes the ***. Have you looked into them?

    What is SC's Juvenile doctor system like? In NC they have what are called Training Schools instead of juvenile detention facilities. Well we have detention facilities but those are more for short term.

    Can you go before a judge for an emergency placement with his probation officer and ask that he be placed in some sort of training school if such a thing exists down there?

    They are behind wire...they are kiddie prisons but they have more training to them.

    Wouldnt it be a probation violation if the group home pressed charges for the damage? Tell them to press charges for gosh sakes! Help you!!!

    If all else fails, find out how much the cheapest monthly motel rooms are down at the beach...tell him you will pay one month, then half the next month...and he best figure out how to work construction at the beach. There are tons of jobs there and he can just move into that crowd. Its where difficult child's go. I cant tell you how many husband has to deal with on his crews.