Son back from rehab

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by worried sick mother, May 24, 2016.

  1. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    My son has been back from rehab one week today, I've yet to see him or even hear his voice. We have had a few text messages that I instigated, he seems very short with me, not mean just short. He lives 45 minutes away from me in another town. He doesn't have a job but is suppose to be looking. I have ask him if he has food and he says he's good. His girlfriend got fired from her job last week so now their both unemployed. His counselor at rehab had told me to help with bills for one month to give him time to find a job. I didn't want him to do anything illegal or not be supportive, he hasn't ask me for anything. He did however ask my mom to help with rent for the upcoming month, she told him she would have to check with his parents and he told her not to involve us that he didn't want any drama and that he had boundaries with us now. He doesn't want us to know where he lives, his girlfriend moved to a new apartment while he was in rehab. Something is just not right, I don't know what it is though. He seems to not want much to do with us, especially me. He has younger siblings that he doesn't seem to want a relationship with at all. He is still on my phone plan and I checked his records and he has been messaging with one of his old drug buddies that I know sells heroin. I don't know if I should confront him about this or cancel the phone service. He has said he is bored to death because they do not have cable or internet which my mom used to provide. He had a Vivitrol injection before he left rehab so he can't get high off opiates but I have a feeling he's doing something. I just feel if something wasn't going on that he would want to see his family, we were close and had a good relationship before drugs. What do you guys think??
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Why would he chat with a heroin addict if he wasn't using? Why the sudden secrecy? Is girlfriend on drugs? If so, of course they are using together. Unless she quit, druggies hang with druggies. It is their bond. The sober do not hang with heroin addicts. The newly sober BETTER stay away from them or else they have no real desire to stay clean.

    It sounds like he already slipped. I lived through a few relapses with a kid. If this were me? No money for a place I can't visit. Not happening. I'd need to decide if I was helping to fund drug use, which I'd refuse to do. I would insist on the address and visits and I'd do surprise visits, even if he whines about not trusting him.
    "Trust is earned, Son."

    You can set boundaries too. Weekly drug tests. Hair is best. No food help as there is no reason for it. There are plenty of free places to eat. There are food pantries too. He doesn't need your money for that.

    I would lay down the law. You want my money, like a minor child? Then you follow my rules until you are clean and self supporting and not as dependent as a twelve year old while claiming you are an adults. Adults work and pay for their own needs and wants.

    Yes, I did practice what I preach and she quit. Sorry, but it sounds like your son is still using. in my opinion he can work and pay his own cell phone bill if he's using it to text drug addicts. I disagree with rehab and am surprised they didn't send him to sober living before they let him leave.

    Hugs to you. I know it hurts so much and they don't even consider us when they are using. They become very selfish, even mean, and they lie, lie, lie.
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    Last edited: May 24, 2016
  3. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Is the girlfriend a drug user? Recreational, or otherwise? If so, I would tell you not to get your hopes up too high. Having a partner that is still using, or who is also new to recovery, generally negatively effects both parties. It is something any specialist would agree with. Couples who use drugs together tend to be just as reliant on each other as their drug.
  4. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    This is so true- happened to son. He went to jail for about 60 days; he came out, and wham, back to heroin girlfriend. Its so easy to stay clean in a controlled environment like jail, rehab. Its the getting out- and having to live life clean that is hard. YOU almost have to move away, lose the old friends, to not get tempted back into the cycle of drugs.
  5. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    My son got the Vivitrol injection last Monday and it blocks opiates from getting you high but he may be using something else. Supposedly the girlfriend stopped using on her own but I find that hard to believe. There's some reason she got fired from her job, she's a great employee without drugs. Looks like from what I'm seeing on his phone records and Facebook activity he's right back to his old ways of staying up all night and sleeping all day, not sure how he thinks you would find a job doing that. He's like a stranger to me, I don't even know him. He's not the son that I raised and sent off to college. I wish it didn't bother me so bad. No matter how hard I try he is on my mind 24/7.
    As far as him not wanting me to know where he lives , I don't think I want to know. I used to drive by his place all the time and drove myself insane so it's probably best for me that I don't know. Why is detaching so darn hard?
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Worried sick, there is absolutely nothing you can do about your son's drug use. You can't make him stop. Period.

    What you can do is concentrate on your behavior. Cut off your connection to his phone so you can't check his records. He is an adult so you need to stop snooping on what he is doing. My advice is to cut off his phone if you are paying for it and let him get his own.

    Also, I don't have a Facebook page for a reason. I don't want to be tempted to check my daughter's page to see what she is doing.

    Start seeing a therapist if you can afford it. Support groups are free to everyone. Find something to help you get through this.

    There is a saying in AlAnon: You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Until you accept that, your life will be hell.

  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I read your post and was thinking detach, detach.

    Yes it's hard. I'm working on it with my son and he's sober for now.

    You are going to drive yourself crazy. You can't control an adult. It's his journey/his life.

    I'm so sorry you have to bear this burden and I KNOW how hard it is.
  8. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I know everything I should be doing like detaching but I just can't stick with it. I'm way better than I've been in the past though. My life has been hell for sure!!
  9. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    Love this advice. Worried sick, if he's back to using, what can you do? NOTHING. There is nothing you can do. We only have control over ourselves and how we respond to our addicts.

    Try and appreciate the quiet from the drama. Believe me, I KNOW IT'S HARD!! I have been living this for almost 10yrs.

    Somehow, it's like we are 'addicted' to our addicts. They are our sons, daughters, our babies. We love them! How can we just detach? I am learning how detaching is more loving for them, to them, than NOT.

    My son was discharged from 'self-initiated' residential inpatient facility last Tuesday, (was there 5wks) and is now in a sober living men's home going to IOP 3x/wk. Some days he calls me, some days he only texts me, some days I haven't heard from him. I am trying hard to let go. Detach.

    I think we get addicted to being involved, being enmeshed in their dysfunctional lives. It's been this way for YEARS (for most of us), it's all we know!

    This is not healthy for 1. them, 2. us, and 3. our families.

    Again, I need to is HARD, HARD, HARD to detach.

    There is nothing you can do. There is nothing you can do. There is nothing you can do.
    Sometimes repeating that, helps me.

    :notalone: :staystrong:
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  10. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Well, Vivitrol is good in that it renders using pointless. Like the way that Suboxone fills the mu receptors, and closes them off. This is why we don't crave while on it. We cannot get high while on it. This is a good thing, but there is SO much more to it.

    Ideally, you use these drugs as a part of a comprehensive recovery plan. They aren't really meant to be replacements like Methadone was. The idea is that the addict can pick up the shattered pieces of their lives without having to worry about withdrawal, and cravings. It isn't meant to be forever. It is easy enough to stay clean when you don't even have the option of using, but the ultimate goal is to get to a place where you do make the choice not to use.
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  11. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    It's hard to detach. There have been times when I've found myself looking at my son's phone records just to see if he is still alive....and then the iPhone tracker to see where he's at. I've stopped looking at the tracker and lately he hasn't given me a reason to check the phone records for signs of life. Instead, I just try to stay busy and fill my life with things that do bring me happiness. That's the only things that has helped the most...that and J has been slowly trying to make a better life for himself.

    Is there a Vivitrol for meth addicts? J refused medications while he was in rehab, and I know he had some really bad cravings at first. I think he still has them from time to time (it's been almost a year since he entered rehab). He runs into people from his old life every once in a while...he tells me every time he turns them down. I think he finds some pride in what little strength he does have.