Son called to be picked up from a dangerous situation-I refused. Sorry-VERY long!

[blackgnat]

Hi all, I have posted before about my son, as recently as about a week ago. (On the end of one of Payla's posts)

From August to March, he was in mission where he was in a program for homeless men who have drug and alcohol problems. He also has mental issues, but had to omit that fact or they wouldn't have taken him. He did really well there, loved the work and enjoyed his sobriety. Graduated the program and was accepted into a halfway house. His probation ended about two weeks later and he immediately left the house, saying he wanted more freedom.

He then couch surfed with some "sugar daddies"-he is seemingly bisexual and would go on craigslist to exchange sex for drugs and alcohol. After about 48 hours, he decided he couldn't handle it and asked if he could stay with me. I am currently subleasing an apartment that I only have until mid July . I really didn't want this, but because I am dysfunctional, enmeshed and a pushover (am currently in therapy to detach) I said he could come for ONE night. He did and set up a place with another sugar daddy who was willing to house him for as long as he wanted to stay. That lasted about 3 days.

So I got another call asking me to come get him. I said no. He said that he would be dead -has attempted suicide but always halfheartedly. One of his diagnosis is bipolar and another one is schizo affective disorder. From what I have read about Borderline (BPD) I think it's more that. He's VERY manipulative, conniving and sociopathic. I still refused to pick him up. I refused to answer the phone. He then left a message saying that he had called the Pastor at the halfway house and he was coming to pick him up the following day. I was SO relieved that he had made THAT choice!

The next day I got a call from him saying that he was in the local hospital. He had got drunk (BAC of .39!) and had fallen down a flight of concrete stairs. He had 2 staples in his head. They kept him there for a few days, then transferred him to the state mental hospital. He went from there to a rehab for a few days. He then called me from the rehab and asked again if he could just stay one night with me and we would go back to the Mission from which he had graduated. One night turned into 3 (there was a sudden death of one of the staff there, so the Mission was being respectful of this) but I eventually took him back and they accepted him.

I visited him after about a week and he was back to his sober, hardworking hopeful guy that he seems to be at this mission. He had a psychiatric appointment where he got klonopin. He started abusing it and even though they drug tested him and said it was okay, one of the managers felt he was abusing it and said he should tell the truth or leave. My son decided to leave. This was Saturday. He wanted me to pick him up. I said no. He walked to another mission in town-one that is much more liberal and seems pretty unsafe. He left after a day and went to couch surf with someone whom he had bumped into and was friendly with while at the first place.

He called this morning and said not to worry, he was safe, but that there was a lot of temptation around and could he stay with me for a few days? I said no. (We are planning a trip to Colorado in June to see his younger brother and my ex, who live there. My plan is to leave him there and hope he can make a new start). I said he could stay here on the night before we leave for Colorado but not more than that.

So now, 5 hours later, I get a call from him. He sounds drunk or messed up. He said he had just been jackknifed (don't know what this is) and thrown out of a car. Could I pick him up and could he stay with me? I said no. He should go back to the mission or go to hospital. He called again. I repeated my answer and said he had got himself into this and had to find help for himself.

He is 24. It seems that all it takes is about 24 hours in an unstructured environment for him to absolutely eff things up and get himself into the most horrendous situations. I truly think he's going to die or get killed or arrested (has been in jail about 12 times) and I feel SO guilty, but I have done everything and more to help this kid. It seems that no matter what I do or try or whatever opportunities he is given to start over, he goes back to the danger.

His father is a good person, but completely emotionally unavailable. I have borne this burden alone and I'm just so drained.
I'm SO sorry this is so long.
My question really is:

Am I doing the right thing by refusing to pick him up? The ending is ALWAYS the same, no matter what I do. He has been to ERs, rehabs, clinics, jail multiple times. Nothing is working. He does have mental health issues-is it REALLY his fault that he keeps making the wrong choice? He often says he'd rather live in the criminal space because he's not cut out for the normal world. I see this but he needs to stop dragging me into it. I have nothing left to offer.


But is it MY fault if he ends up dead? I COULD give him a space on the floor here for a couple of weeks, but I don't want to. I don't know what he'll get up to. He could rage and damage the property. Last time he was here for the one night, I went to work the next day and when I got home he was high because he'd gone on craigslist and had THREE guys here. He said they weren't in the apartment and that he met them downstairs (as if that makes it okay) but I don't believe him. He wants his needs met at any cost and expects me to rescue him. I'm done.

Even typing all I've typed is so normal to me because I'm so used to this chaos and lunacy!

All comments are welcome. SOOOOOO sorry for the length of this and thanks to all who have even got this far....

 

[DDD]

May I simply offer you support with-o any complex explanations? I have not walked in your path. I have dealt with drug and alcohol addictions and luckily for me the stress is far less than it was a few years ago. The confusion?? I've been there done that! The fear?? been there done that! The sleepless nights? been there done that! The deep love? I still have that and always have!
My assumption is that you are absolutely making the correct choice by denying him a safe haven. Lordy..I am so really sorry that you are traveling this road. None of us ever expected to have our children travel this difficult and impossible road. That I absolutely KNOW! I am sending you supportive thoughts and prayers..and hugs! DDD

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. I'm sorry you are going through this with your son. He actually does sound mentally ill to me and would probably thrive if he could get on disability and live in a group home. He probably needs that structure. However, it also doesn't appear that he is capable of or willing to (I am not sure which) of making a rational plan for himself. And he's too old for you to make decisions for him legally. If he gets violent it is unsafe for him to ever stay with you. He is likely co-morbid...drug addicted and mentally ill and getting better would take a tremendous effort that only he can decide to make. This is unless he has psychotic episodes, in which he really does not understand what the right thing is. However, you STILL can't legally make him get help, even if he does get psychotic.

How can it be your fault if something happens to him? You have done everything possible for him and offered him every chance to get help, but you can't make him accept it. You have done the max that you can do to help him get to a better place. You can not blame yourself for the way he is because his treatment is out of your control.

in my opinion you are a good mom who did the best she could with a difficult and ill son. If he ever calls you truly looking for a solution to his problems, you can offer suggestions and support. Other than that, I hope you have a nice trip in Colorado with your ex and your other child.

Sorry I didn't have more to offer.

 

[blackgnat]

Thanks so much for your replies. When he was in the mental hospital they gave him Thorazine, which he said leveled him out and make him feel like a normal person. He said he felt that that was what he needed.

So we got the RX filled and he just stopped taking it after a while. Partly because I put him back in the Mission (and they're not allowed psychiatric medications, because they believe that God will take care of their mental problems...hmmm) and partly because when he got out he wanted to get high on other things.

He has no insurance but is in the Medicaid system, Doesn't have a card so he's supposed to go and get "his numbers in order". I keep thinking I should do this, but again, they don't really want to deal with me because he's an adult and I feel he is able to make certain calls to selective people (like drug dealers) so he should be able to do the same to really help himself...or is that too much to expect?

When I met with him the other day he felt that he didn't need his psychiatric medications. I think it's just a lack of money and a **** health system. If we had oodles of cash, he'd be in a facility pronto.
He just called again, sounding very altered, asking when I could come get him. I said not until he was in a sober state and that I was not professionally qualified to help him.

I refuse to deal with him in an altered state. He becomes very violent when he is drunk and I am not willing to take the risk.

So exhausted. But so guilty.

 

[busywend]

You absolutely should not put yourself in danger. You are doing the right thing. It is the best parenting decision you could possibly make. Where ever he is he will continue making bad decisions. So, making them away from you accomplishes 2 things. 1.) you stay safe so you can continue to hope and push him to make the right decisions. 2.) it keeps you safe you he does not have to live the rest of his life having put you in harm. Best Parenting Move. Period.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Blackgnat, I agree with everyone else, you have done everything you possibly can for him, regardless of any mental illness or personality disorder or diagnosis, he is an adult and his choices are his and the consequences are his. The best advice I can give you, which is a direct result of my own experience with my adult difficult child, is to keep yourself distant from your son's shenanigans and seek as much support as you can...........a great source of support for parents of kids who have mental illness is NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have parent groups which will offer you tools and support. If you can, find yourself a therapist, ASAP, having done this kind of enabling for so long and alone, you need a lot of nourishing, caring, informative, tender and continual support. You need it now and you need it for awhile. I have some experience with this and I know the level of depletion, exhaustion, resentment, guilt, sorrow, hurt and overwhelm an adult like your son can bring to you.

Let me answer your questions directly, NO it will not be your fault if he dies. It will be a choice that he makes or something that happens to him. You are not to blame for any of his choices. There is NOTHING you can do. You cannot control another person. You cannot control another person's choices. You are powerless to change him. You cannot fix him. You cannot heal him. You did not create this. If he has a mental illness, he can seek help and he doesn't, even when one of those medications made him feel normal. My difficult child makes the same bad choices over and over as well, there is nothing I can do. I know how painful and weird that is, but all you will do is drive yourself crazy trying, and trying, and trying and trying.............and nothing will change. Nothing will change until your son decides he will change. You cannot make that happen, no matter what you do.

You absolutely did the right thing by not picking him up. If I were you I would RUN to the nearest therapist, support group, 12 step codependency group, NAMI parent group. anywhere where the focus of my life is going to be ME. Learn tools to detach. You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Set strong boundaries around how you WANT to interact with your son, and if you don't want to interact, don't answer the phone. Let it go to voice mail and don't listen to it. Step back from this lunacy, and then step back some more and keep stepping back. You deserve to have a life without all this drama and trauma. You cannot make a difference in the life of another who does not want to change. So let go.

You are being held hostage by your son. Don't allow it anymore. You can make that choice. It's your life, take it back. And do it now.

*Thanks for writing the whole story down, it helped to understand and I hope it helped you to vent too. Keep posting. We're here. ...........HUGS.............

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with everyone else. You can not help him. He is extremely lucky that he can access the medicaid system so he can access mental health care and get that help. Many cannot. If he gets tired enough of his situation then he knows where to go. If you want to do anything at all for him then simply print out the options he has and give it to him every time you see him. I would make it small and laminate it. Maybe print it out on both sides so you can get the information on there. Of course you dont have to because Im sure you have told him a million times already and he just doesnt care. I have an adult difficult child living with me and any information that might possibly help change his situation simply goes in one ear and out the other and he grunts. He couldnt even repeat what you said it you offered a ten dollar bill in front of him. Its pitiful. He simply doesnt care. He has too good a thing going on here.

 

[blackgnat]

Thanks for all the wisdom.
Yesterday morning I got a call at 5 am from him saying Please come get me mom I am in a hospital and don't know where and they won't keep me here and I have no clothes because they took them from me. I told him to ask them where the hell he was and he told me a place that's about a 40 minute drive, (but I still didn't know where it was) and I just went into enabling/rescue mode. I said I would get him and we'd take it from there. Called in half a day's absence from work.

Got there-it really IS in the middle of nowhere, yeah,I know...and he was in the lobby, in scrubs. Broken nose. I brought him to my place, again, on the premise that he could NOT stay there, but I could maybe get him some clothes and another place to stay. He had been out on the streets, ****** somebody off and they had punched him. Clothes were cut off him at the ER , all covered in blood. He had no recollection of his original story , which was being thrown out a moving car.

I called in the rest of the day off. We went to all the missions and shelters he'd been to and got the stuff he so cavalierly left behind. Called places, they didn't have any beds available immediately. I told him that he could stay that night but when I got back from work, we would be leaving for anywhere else.

He thanked me profusely and said he couldn't wait to go to Colorado and make a new start. I felt he was angling for a week's stay at my place (which I am SUBLEASING, so have a lot of responsibility to keep the place as I said I would). He said he would use my laptop to find resources in Colorado. I left for work , full of prayers.

Even before I got home, I felt that urgency and fear-I have to get him out of here and what the hell am I coming home to?

The place was in darkness. He was asleep and I just woke him up and said "What are you on?" . He said pills. He then woke up properly and said he had to call a friend (who is a protector of sorts) and I said it was a good idea because he couldn't stay. He agreed and said "Mom, I just can't do this. I can't stay here and live how you want me to live. Im a hardcore addict. I have to level with you. I called a guy I know and had sex with him and he brought me alcohol. I just can't have this time on my hands doing nothing without thinking of ways to fill it without getting high or getting into some kind of trouble."

I have to say I secretly applauded his honesty and I said "Lets go". He called his friend and they are now back in the bars and on the streets.

I am delighted to have my temporary home back and feel strangely numb. But comfortably so. Like the penny has finally dropped. Even though I have told this myself a million times. This REALLY is his life and his choice and if he dies or if something terrible happens, its his choice. I asked him, when we were driving down to the city, "Does the prospect of getting high and drunk and being on the streets make you depressed or desperate or does it scare you?" and he said "NO. I want this."

So right now, who am I to dictate that he should live it differently? He said before he got out of the car, "Mom, I love you and you have been a wonderful mother. If anything happens to me or if I die, I just want you to know that I love you so much and you have been the most perfect mother for me. I know you have hated what you have had to do because my ****thank you behavior made you do it, but you did it anyway and that is the mark of a loving mother. It might be a weight off your shoulders if I die because you won't have to worry about me any more. "

Any and all comments are welcome, because of course, it'll be hard to let things go and I see the manipulation etc in this, and am STILL expecting the other shoe to drop but I just wanted to update those who have read thus far and again, to thank you for any and all comments and encouragement I've received.

Sure I'm not out of the woods yet. But isn't that one of the worst aspects of having a difficult child? There isn't a lot of closure so our emotions are stretched so thinly all the time. And often the closure we get is the type we dread....

Best wishes, strength and courage to all of us!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Your post is very moving, it made me feel so much empathy for you and for your son too. I feel sad for you and for me too, our children turned out to be so different then what we imagined. There is nothing either of us can do to make that any different then what it is. What I work on all the time is acceptance, it's not easy either, in fact, it's the most difficult thing I've ever done. That's where help comes in, whatever kind of help works for you, a lot of parents here go to Alanon family groups and they are helpful. Support groups, therapy,.......... choose forms of support that feel right to you and use them.

I have to learn to accept my daughter for my own well being, there is nothing else I can do. And, like your son, she does not make good choices, she is impaired in some manner which is not clear to me, but she is. I have to recognize my powerlessness to effect change. As you do.

Your son told you who he is, he took you off the hook, take yourself off, there isn't anything else you can do, he is living the life he wants to live. And, other shoes may indeed drop, so the best thing to do is to stay in the present moment and enjoy it, when and if the shoe does drop, you can deal with it then, but waiting for it to drop is not a good use of your time. All it does is ruin this moment. Right now, he is out there, you are home, you are safe, it is quiet, you can cozy in and enjoy tonight. Put him aside and focus on you, what else can you do, worry about him out there? What good would that do. Try to train your brain to stop the relentless worry. When we are in constant fear that way, we actually create new neuro-pathways in our brains, the 'fear' path. We go down it over and over again until our brains just do that all the time. You've got to create new neuro-pathways, get out of that rut of worry and practice acceptance. Little by little it grows until one day, you just don't go down the fear road any more.

This is a tough road for us, unlike any other......and we travel it, for the most part, alone. No one else can stand in our shoes and know what we know. We can get heard and acknowledged here on this board, which is a wonderful gift and helps so much. And, yet it still is a lonely path at times. I am so sorry you are in this place, I wish it were different for you, and me too, but, it is what it is and all we can do is try to travel this path with a little grace, a whole lot of faith, compassion for the people our kids have become and truckloads of acceptance for what we cannot change. Sending you big hugs and wishes that you focus on you and find your joy and your peace.

 

[blackgnat]

I'm not sure I can even articulate what your post means to me, RE. In a good way!

It's something I've LONGED to hear for years.

I have a very loving and caring group of friends, but NOBODY has had to go thru what I have, and I am NOT saying this like its a peeing contest. They just don't get it. Why should they? Why WOULD they? I have accepted this. Some of them are visibly upset if their kid doesn't make a certain grade or if they stay out beyond curfew...REALLY?

But I am trying to learn that it's not my place to criticize. It's all relative.

Again thank you to infinity for your kind and wise words. It's SUCH an ****** process. I feel happy that he has gone. I am NOT gonna lie ! But that feeing also leads to infinite amounts of guilt.

But isn't it okay for me to be happy that tonight, whatever he is doing, I feel okay in my own home? We ask SO little of ourselves, after all of this abusive behavior from our difficult children....that we (sorry, I mean ME!) need permission to feel at peace. Instead of, "OMG, I am warm, safe and fed" , and "my child is making such bad choices and I must suffer for their choices?"

Sorry, guys, I am honestly just processing as I write and hope that someone else is identifying with my feelings...

 

[DammitJanet]

Hi, side story to my life. Back when I was 20 I ran away to NYC. There I met all sorts of difficult child people just like myself and many were doing exactly what your son is doing. In fact, I hooked up with a boy I will call Eskimo Jim who took me under his wing when the guy who took me up there dumped me in the middle of Times Square and left me to fend for myself. This boy, along with many of his other street friends, did the best they could to get by and that was mostly sex for money to get drugs and then they crashed at some cold water flat in Spanish Harlem. I was extremely lucky that they just felt sorry for me and they would park me in a bar during the hours they worked and didnt try to turn me out. I saw some really bad things. I was there in 1981/82 and I would bet my right arm that everyone I knew is now dead of AIDS. Its a ****ed wonder Im alive.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Blackgnat, it's not only OKAY that you are happy tonight and tomorrow and all your days, it is imperative, it is your duty and your right, it is what life is meant to be. Life is not meant to be survived each day, it is meant to be enjoyed and treasured, each moment,............ and every moment we spend worrying about something we can't change is a complete and total waste of OUR lives. Don't do it. Start to accept it and change your moments, one by one into what you desire them to be. I am absolutely certain that you have done all you can do, even your son told you that, so take those shackles of guilt, self imposed I might add, and throw them away. Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving, as Erma Bombeck used to say. As I have done that, step by step, I feel liberated from those shackles, from the pain, from the enmeshment with my daughter's choices...........you can do it. I wanted to feel peace, joy, freedom, serenity and a real sense of acceptance for my child and for the situation I am in. Life has become so, so much better, my difficult child's life is more or less the same, but I have changed dramatically.

I've also mentioned this before, but when I was having guilt for living my life and having any kind of prosperity while my difficult child was practically homeless (by ALL of her own choices) Calamity Jane, here on this board, told me, "What are you going to do, wear a hair shirt?" I had to look up hair shirt, but when I found out what it was, I laughed out loud, geez, should I walk the streets in pain and discomfort to prove that I love my child? Yikes.

That loneliness Blackgnat is so pervasive, it goes deep. All of my friends kids are successful, happy, well adjusted kids, no one can relate to me. I can also see the judgments and or pity in their eyes. It's a kind of aloneness that is indescribable However, last year I got myself into this codependency program through Kaiser here in CA. a huge HMO with an enormous Substance Abuse program which included an entire staff of therapists trained in codependency. It was a year and a half long program with 3 phases. I ended up in a group with parents with mentally ill kids and a few with kids using. These people knew my anguish, my guilt, my deep, deep sorrow and loss, it was the first time in my whole life I felt as if I was understood and others really 'got' what I was feeling about my only child. And, when they spoke, it was as if I had said that. It was a very, very healing experience. Then I found this board, so with the support of my group and the support I received here, I began that journey, that process of detaching and accepting. If you can find a place like that, you will accelerate the process simply by being in an environment of compassion and empathy. I think there are many here on this board who have benefited greatly from finding various support groups which they can identify with.

Make today the start of your freedom. Your son freed you when he told you what a great mom you are and that he is going where he wants to go. Now free yourself, go enjoy your life, we only get this one ride around the merry-go-round, once this moment is over, you can't get it back, so go have some fun, laugh, be happy..........take your life back from hanging over the edge of suffering, step back from that edge and walk away. I'm sending you big hugs and lots of encouragement to BE HAPPY.

 

[scent of cedar]

Sure I'm not out of the woods yet. But isn't that one of the worst aspects of having a difficult child? There isn't a lot of closure so our emotions are stretched so thinly all the time. And often the closure we get is the type we dread....

I needed to read that this morning.

Barbara

 

[scent of cedar]

Life is not meant to be survived...it is meant to be enjoyed and treasured, each moment

I wanted to feel peace, joy, freedom, serenity and a real sense of acceptance for my child and for the situation I am in.

I was having guilt for living my life and having any kind of prosperity while my difficult child was practically homeless

geez, should I walk the streets in pain and discomfort to prove that I love my child? Yikes.

That loneliness Blackgnat is so pervasive

All of my friends kids are successful, happy, well adjusted kids, no one can relate to me.

I can also see the judgments and or pity in their eyes.

It's a kind of aloneness that is indescribable

These people knew my anguish, my guilt, my deep, deep sorrow and loss

I was understood and others really 'got' what I was feeling

I began that journey, that process of detaching and accepting.

Make today the start of your freedom.

take your life back from hanging over the edge of suffering, step back from that edge and walk away

BE HAPPY.

I needed to read this, too. Thank you, Recovering.

Blackgnat, you are a brave and compassionate woman.

Barbara

 

[nerfherder]

Blackgnat,

I had a cousin much like your son. He did eventually OD at age 29, and it was hard on the whole family - hardest I think on the ones who stayed in denial all those years and continued to stay there even after he died - one aunt refused to ever speak the words "he died of a heroin overdose" instead insisting he died of cancer.

And thanks to the way his mom (really his stepmom) handled it, I never spoke to her again. It was the rest of us cousins and functional aunts who tried to get him into a rehab facility towards the end, since he was no longer able to make his own decisions, and we just couldn't get to him in time.

I think his apparent honesty, and your staying detached much as you can, are the healthiest ways to manage for both of you. My cousin, even in his worst moments, never stopped loving his family, and told me so. Had the rest of all his mom and dad's generation been less in denial and more in touch with reality, maybe things would have been different.

 

[busywend]

Lets not forget that we are also role models for our children. So, letting someone, anyone (yes even your child) use, abuse, manipulate and take advantage of us is just teaching our kids that is what they should do if ever in our shoes. We have to do what is hard but right.

 

[blackgnat]

My God, what incredible posts and words of encouragement I have received!

there aren't enough words to thank all of you for your support and empathy.

It's my lunch hour and I'm hiding away in a room that isn't used very often, just welling up with tears at your collective kindness.

I think that a therapeutic program to deal with my codependency issues would be a wonderful thing. I just need to practice that acceptance and begin to enjoy life without the pain of having my child like this. I need to be grateful that I have another son who is doing well and concentrate on loving him instead of being so fixated on the tragey that has befallen the eldest.

Thank you so much for saying I am brave-for all of us it takes so much strength to deal with the unthinkable. My brother (now dead) was a paranoid schizophrenic diagnosed when I was 14, so I just feel I have lived my life having to cope with insanity. It astounds me that I have had to go through this with my son.

Guess I need to get over that, because it is my reality...like the cockroach after the nuclear holocaust, I'm still here!

Really, there are no words to express my gratitude for this board and the loving people on it. I'm just humbled. And I don't want to cry at work....

 

[recoveringenabler]

Blackgnat, my brother is a paranoid schizophrenic too. My sister is bi-polar, with a cocktail of other diagnosis, my parents had mental problems, my niece was a danger to her family, psychotic, my ex, the father of my daughter has some serious issues and then...............my daughter.............sigh...........I too have had to "live my life having to cope with insanity." I completely understand how you feel and the depth of the impact on your life.............that's why I can say to you, you can do this, you can get out of the despair that you didn't create, or cause, nor can you change it.............it's his karma, his choice, his life, not yours. I've had to do that with quite a number of my close relatives, set boundaries, detach, accept. It is really the only way to find any happiness or peace. Otherwise you end up in denial like Nerfherder's Aunt..............the truth is what sets you free and you just got a huge dose of truth from your son. He told you who he is, accept him, love him without enabling him and go forward in your life............there is nothing more for you to do.............hugs.......

 

[blackgnat]

If you don't mind me giving the next installment (though I wasn't really expecting one) he just called me to let me know he was okay. I said fine and that I'd pick him up Sunday because he has a dr appointment on Monday.
20 Minutes later he called again and said that he and his friend Dan were kind of stranded. I said I was NOT going to pick them up. The place they are is 45 mins to an hour away and I just went there yesterday and maybe a couple more times this week.

He then was very quiet and said."Well we were wondering if we could come up and stay with you tonight and leave the next day."

WHAAAAAAAT?

I said absolutely not and that he had obviously not understood our conversation of yesterday, when he CLEARLY chose the lifestyle that he is claiming to want.

Could I have got a clearer wake up call that he is full of it? This is partly why I'm so confused and drained. He doesn't know what he wants and changes his mind every five minutes, as soon as the going gets tough.

I'm more depressed now and wondering if I will ever get out of this grip.

I don't even want to [ick him up Sunday for his dr apt on Monday. I want to be done.

I can't believe he thinks I'm such a pushover that he has the cojones to ask me that question. I TOLD him I didn't even want HIM to ever stay here again, having sex with strangers in a house that I'm so kindly allowing him to stay in. He must think I'm just this flake who is a taxi service, always ready to meet his needs. This is the kid who put me in the ICU for 4 days, after hitting me so hard that I had a bleed on the brain.

Sorry I am just venting. I guess it's because I haven't been consistent. But now's the time because I am destined for the nuthouse myself if I keep playing his head games.

 

[witzend]

I think that you are doing the right thing by not picking him up. I think that what may be adding to both of your burdens is the inconsistency - which he is excellent at creating. Honestly, "one night" is never going to be just one night. It might be a night this week and four next week and two next month, but "one night" is not what you guys are doing.

Is it possible for you and your therapist to work on a list of things that you must have for you in order to be comfortable with inviting him into your home? I wouldn't start with a night at all, I'd start with a visit, and it doesn't sound as though you have any reason to visit with him. I wouldn't say any of this if you were feeling stronger, but you say you're struggling with your own issues. He's 24 years old. You've done your parenting and he is an adult and you are vulnerable. You need to get yourself well. Work with him on terms that keep you well.