Son comes home with the police. It's long.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DazedandConfused, Mar 16, 2010.

  1. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I just get home from work; Daughter is gone to school. I have no idea where Son is. Two times last week he doesn't come home until way after dark. Lots of explaining why he needs to be home before it's completely dark and that I worry. What's his response? "Can't you see that I am okay?" (said in a snotty voice). I explain that for the two and a half hours that it is dark I do not know that. Does it again the next night. Result: grounded-kinda. He's been grounded for so long and it's doesn't seem to get through to him.

    My Mom is still very angry at him for his treatment of me. He's (or was anyway) very close to her. They would take walks and have long talks. She finally witnessed him in his full nasty, rude, and raging glory, and she was so upset. She's trying to support me. I don't know. She says she just can't stand that he's sweet as pie to her and then so horrible at home. She wants him to change the way he acts at home before he's back in her life again like before. I think she's going to have a very long wait. We had a long phone conversation and I told her that it may be a very high price for both of them to pay.

    The Major Bone of Contention: The cell phone.

    Just a short recap. I got him a cell phone as an early Xmas present. Three weeks later I took it away (actually a wrenched it from his hands and hurled it to the floor) and told him he needed to straighten up before he would get it back. As you can probably guess, it has made no difference other than him harping, threaten, and cry, to get it back. This is nearly everyday day. Sometimes several times a day.
    I've explained and explained and explained. His response: "It's mine and I'm going to report you to the police". So, let him right? I don't know about you, but NOBODY is going to call the police to report me from a phone that I PAY FOR! No how,no way. Go some where else. Thing is, nobody will let him.

    I could write a book of our daily battles. husband is gone working most of the time and his job is not exactly secure due to the economy. Neither is mine due to state education budget cuts. So, I have that stress. I'm in school carrying 14 units and I'M NOT GIVING THAT UP! It's the only thing I do only for me and the only thing that will stop me from finishing is MY DEATH. I'm nearly at the halfway point and though I love my children, and want what is best for them and they fight me tooth and nail each step of the way but school is non-negotiable.

    Anyway I will now dear reader use this opportunity to segue to our villain's latest escapade: He's going to take me to court. That's right. Sue. Why? Cell phone!

    At this point, a rational person would think, "Give the kid the cell phone and have some piece!". I do like to THINK I'm rational, and I could probably play one on TV, I'm refuse to pay for a cell phone for someone who calls me a "retard". Or, says I'm stupid, or whatever nasty little name he has for me.

    So, today I get home from work and I'm not home even ten minutes when there is a banging on the screen door. I ask who it is (though, I know it's probably Son aka: The Villain) and he says "It's Son". I go to answer the door and there he is with a police officer standing behind him.

    (I should probably let you know that I have been living with the threat of arrest for taking "Son's" cell phone for months. Because I refuse to allow him to use our house phone, he told me last night after another epic battle he was going to go to the police station and "report" me)


    I ask Son (villain) very calmly why do I have the police at my door? The cop says, "Yeah, go ahead and tell her". Long story short, Son made good on his threat about going to the police station. He apparently waited over an hour to talk to an officer (which was one reason I didn't want him bothering the police, they are so busy and understaffed in our town). Anyway, Son told the officer he wanted me arrested and put in jail for 30 days. The officer was very nice and asked about mental health and medications. I tried to give the short version of the last five or six years. He did give Son a very stern talking to, but it didn't seem to phase him much. Apparently, they talked about court and I don't think that the officer intended to give Son the idea to take me to court. Which, mind you, is twenty five miles away. It's night time and even after me and his Dad telling him it's closed, he's going down there via the bus.

    So, here I am. I've gotten some recommendations regarding new psychiatrists. Our old/new one has taken a leave of absence. I'm just not sure what do. Therapy? I don't think that's going to help. He will just argue. A placement? I don't know. I just don't know. He doesn't get into trouble other than make our lives at home hades. Most of it is now directed at me. He'll argue even when it's obvious he's wrong.

    He got an infected toe. He decided to make the treatment a power struggle. So what happens? It gets worse. I tell him it's infected and it need to be treated properly. He argues back and forth: "no, it's not" over and over to my "yes, it is".

    I just don't even want to think of how miserable my life is going to be over the next four or fives year is going to be.
  2. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Guess what? He's home. Wants to show me a ball he found out in the desert. Then, starts up with me again. husband is concerned that when he gets older and bigger that he might actually try to seriously harm me. His thinking is so skewed and he absolutely refused to listen to anyone if they contradict him. No medication has ever been able to help him with that.

    I'm exhausted with him.
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    You do know that, first, he'll have to come up with the filing fees for court right?

    I'm sorry, I don't mean to make light of this...but I think this is one for the record books.

    I think a placement is a viable option.
  4. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Actually, flutterby, I didn't think of that!

    (no worries, it made me laugh too)
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Small claims court filing fees aren't cheap. I took Useless Boy (aka Miss KT's father) to small claims court for unpaid insurance premiums. You realize he'll probably ask you for money for the filing fees?
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be laughing, but I am. He is just so "out there" in his thinking. Has he ever been tested for anything on the autsim spectrum? I mean, he is just so black & white about this it's comical. He really reminds me of an Aspie kid we carpool with (except for the mood component). If he is on the spectrum, that could explain why medications haven't helped with his distorted thinking.

    We regularly confiscate video games and cell phones for a whole host of transgressions. Rudeness and disrespect are definite line-crossing behaviors that qualify. So do poor grades. They whine and moan, but I just smile.

    If he's getting hostile, maybe it's time for a medication tweak -- when's the last time his Lamictal dosage was evaluated?

    I'm glad you are holding firm to your classes. We have to do something for ourselves as warrior moms. You absolutely deserve it.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I shouldn't be smiling either but I can't help it-sounds just like something my difficult child would like to do. Sorry you are dealing with so much on a daily basis. Gentle hugs and I am glad you are keeping those classes.
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow Dazed, your boy is nothing if not persistent! I'm not sure we've had one who digs down in the sand as deep as yours!

    I say go ahead and use those psychiatrist referrals to find one you feel comfortable with and let him/her start from scratch with your son. A new start might giveyou some fresh perspective.

    Until that time, hugs.

  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm actually impressed that he followed through with his threat to go to the police! *grin* My kids used to threaten to call on me all the time. Worst they did was call 911 on each other once, while fighting. Such fun to come home to cop cars in the driveway.

    I can feel the exhaustion in your post. Hugs.
  10. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Oh yeah, sounds familiar - my GFG17 accuses me all the time of "calling the cops" on him, but at least 3 times HE has walked over to the police station. Once, the result was HIM being taken away in cuffs. You'd think he'd learn....

    Last night he accused me of stalking, because I saw a new friend on his FB page who happened to have the same name as the girl with whom he said he was staying - on HER page was her mom, and voila, simple search and I knew the address where he was. I told him it was "research". Ha.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    wow...nothing if not persistent. Well, cops and courts will do nothing with this. You actually own everything that he has legally. This will just frustrate him further. I agree on using the psychiatrist referrals. What a pita difficult child!
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    LOL wow don't let him talk to Onyxx!

    I took her cell phone last week in December and still have it. She said she could not live without it - well, she is doing just fine! She tried to tell me I could not take it... I looked her in the eye and said, do you want to look at this from a legal standpoint? If you do not give it to me, I'll just have it shut off. It's on MY ACCOUNT. I can report it stolen, too... Another charge against you... And I get it anyway.

    She looked away, sighed, and handed it over.
  13. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    I would be considering giving his phone to him. However, I would suspend or cancel the service so he couldn't make calls on it anyway. The phone may be "his" as a present, but nothing says you ave to continue to pay to allow him to make calls on it. (SIGH) of course that would just open up a different can of complaints and arguments so not really much help. :dissapointed: Too bad the cop NOT arresting you hasn't clued him in that you are allowed to confiscate his phone.

    Good luck in your classes, glad you have something that you do for you. And maybe if he does find a way to take you to court, you'd get a good judge who might have some suggestions for you that could get you help on ways to help your difficult child.
  14. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Honestly, I probably would have begged the cop to take me in. 30 days away from Son? Might have been completely worth it. :winks:
  15. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    The difference between a easy child and a difficult child:

    When easy child was 11 or 12, he threatened to call 911 because I took his football away - no throwing the football in the house. I hear him pushing buttons on the phone, but he never talked to anyone and went upstairs.

    I'm in the kitchen yelling upstairs to him, asking him to bring me a flashlight (he and difficult child always seemed to hoard them) when there is a knock at my door. Apparently he *did* dial 911, but hung up immediately. He didn't realize that they send someone out when you do that. (I am so glad that the officer could hear what I was saying when I was yelling upstairs and didn't think I was just screaming at my kid.) The officer gave easy child a lecture, I was standing behind easy child trying not to laugh out loud - shoulders were shaking - and the officer winked at me.

    The difference? He never did it or threatened to again. (Although, he was technically a easy child/difficult child at the time.)
  16. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    You should come east for a little visit after the semester ends... you seriously need a break! I tend to agree with gcvmom... maybe he should be re-evaluated for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). His rigid thinking is really effecting his functioning. FWIW, a person can have Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and a co-morbid mood disorder.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sure...come east! You can make the Start up with TM and just head down the interstate and see us all!
  18. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Or start south and work north... the weather is getting better here but it's still warmer in NC!!!
  19. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Well, since you're already in CA...let's meet in the middle!
  20. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Thank you all for the support and the invites :D!

    I wish finances would allow. Maybe someday (sigh).

    I do think I need to revisit the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). In the past, his high social ability and lack of having obsessions seemed to always knock him out of that diagnoses. However, now that he has hit puberty, his odd thinking, anxiety, lack of boundaries is having me rethink the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD).

    So, we went to my Mom's for dinner. We live on the same street and Son wanted to go play basketball at a neighbor's house. This gave me time to speak with my Mom. She doesn't really understand, but is trying. Son was late to dinner and we didn't wait to eat. Mom makes him a plate and we decide not to make a big deal. Son arrives 45 minutes late and is angry we didn't wait. He was rude and then made gagging noises when he found out what was for dinner (chicken and dumplings..yum). My Mom had to make quite an effort not to react, but she did it. He did manage a few bites and then said he didn't like this dish anymore. He was thirsty and just decided to take my Mom's glass of water without asking after drinking his own. I stopped him, and he was annoyed and rude as usual. Overall, when compared to the last couple of times, not a bad visit for Son.

    He did come up after dinner and whispered something in my ear. I couldn't make it out and told him to tell me again. He said he was afraid Gma would hear. He whispered again and said he was sorry for bringing the police to our house. I told him that I forgave him. He said he was mad about something at school (who knows what) and over the cell phone.

    When we got home, he began again about the cell phone. I didn't react or say a word. He then began to sob loudly saying he just loved having that phone so much and misses having it; was there anyway he could earn it back? I thought about it. Obviously, I have to use a different strategy parenting this kid. Time for me to do some research and get him in to a new psychiatrist. Anyway, I told him I couldn't talk to him until he calmed himself down. He told me he feels so sad and depressed over the loss of this phone; it's apparent that it means much more to him than just having a phone. Exactly what, I'm not sure. I didn't just want to give it back to him; I told him that we would see how his behavior is for the rest of the week and decide from there. Plus, he has to help me this weekend with taking down the book fair. One day at a time, I guess.

    On a good note, his report card came today. All classes passed and he made the honor roll again. Just barely, but he made it.