Son heading to jail, just feel numb

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mtic, Oct 24, 2017.

  1. mtic

    mtic Member

    It’s been a while since I made a post, probably over a year, not that I really posted much. I was going to write out some history of the last few years with my son, but to tell you the truth, everything is getting blurred time wise. Needless to say he’s stolen from us, stolen from a business where he used to work, and is addicted to drugs. We thought he was getting his life back on track many times. He paid back the business and I think only did a day or so in jail. He entered an outpatient drug treatment and seemed to be doing okay for a while.

    Well, yesterday my 26-year-old son was just arrested for theft again. He is currently living in another state with a friend (who is really trying to help my son). My son befriended an older couple who lives near him. They’ve treated him like a son. Well, they used to give him their credit card to buy stuff at the store for them, and recently my son started getting cash advances. They found out and pressed charges. So now he has a court date of 11/1 (his roommate posted bail). With his prior theft charge, I’m totally expecting he will spend time in prison. I’m just happy he’s not living near me. The only reason I know all this stuff is because his roommate keeps us updated. My son rarely contacts us. The last time he contacted me was about 2 weeks ago calling for money, which I refused to give him. We've been told he's doing drugs again (which is not a big surprise)

    I really don’t want any contact with him. I feel sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment of having my son in jail and nothing but a criminal. I’m not really sure why I’m even posting this other than to get some stuff down on “paper” and post to a group of people who understand. Maybe prison is what he needs to finally admit he’s hit rock bottom, although we thought he had hit rock bottom several times in the last three years. Maybe there are programs in prison that will help an addict. I have no idea, and part of me doesn’t even care anymore.

    Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    did you post with the same name? i remember your story.

    i am so sorry for the pain of this. I am so sorry you have to to through it.

    the couple is right to file charges. i do not think he will get prison time. i think he might get drug treatment diversion. which would be a good thing. if he stays in treatment and clean he will stay out of prison.

    even prison would have a silver lining. school. religious services. aa and na. college, sometimes. fewer drugs. structure. a wake up call.
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2017
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I think I remember your story too. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    I could say a lot but what I really want to say is that I know how much it hurts.

    We understand and we will support you.

    Please keep us posted and come here to get your drink of strength.
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  4. mtic

    mtic Member

    Yes, I changed my user name as I wanted to be more anonymous from prying eyes...not that anyone knows I'm on this page, but still...

    Thank you for your support. How would the courts know he has an addiction problem if he wasn't brought up on drug charges? That's why I'm wondering about treatment in prison, but maybe if there are programs available, he will seek them out. Seriously, this would have to be rock bottom...right? I've thought that many times over the past few years. Hubby and I are going out to dinner tonight. Life goes on.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i think a case can be made this is addiction related. he stole to buy drugs.

    in my experience this is not necessarily rock bottom. he decides.

    some prisons have drug treatment. virtually all would have aa and na. there is also mental health treatment. while there are drugs in prison, they are not so readily obtainable.
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    Last edited: Oct 24, 2017
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel


    Journal away we all understand and care. You are not alone. This is not your embarrassment. His actions his consequences. Drugging and thugging. We all know it well.

    Be good to yourself.
  7. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Hello mtic,
    You are not alone here. Everyone understands and relates to your situation in one way or another.
    Yes, this is just how I felt by the time my son finally went to jail - on felony. Actually in another way, I felt so relieved and thankful. I had peace. I did not bail him, I did not supervise release. I stopped thinking of him as being "arrested" and started thinking of him being "rescued." (My son is 10 years older than yours.)

    By the time I learned on his arrest, I was done with keeping quiet about all the "problems" with him. It is too hard to keep it all inside yourself. I shared here and with supportive siblings, and "let go" of my embarrassment. What do I have to be embarrassed about? I did nothing wrong / I am not in jail. It has nothing to do with me - I didn't cause it, and can't cure it.
    My son's felony charges were not "drug" charges either, but he either tested positive when arrested, or exhibited drug behavior, or else volunteered drug information to his defender etc. He did not like living in jail. He stayed in jail with no visits from anyone for 6 months. I did accept a 5-minute phone call once a week, and I did write a note to him every few weeks.

    Fortunately for him, he apparently qualified for /was recommended for and released on probation to a 18-month to 2-year drug court program, which has strict terms and conditions. If you violate the terms / conditions of the court, you go back to jail, which happened to him a couple times for short periods during this time. He's had consequences for other issues also ~ all part of learning.

    I think his prime motivation is to stay out of jail, so he does "the minimum" (as is usual for him) to meet the terms of the program. I think going to jail and getting in the drug court was a life-ring for him. I rarely see him, rarely hear from him (for only 5 mins) and often do not think of him. But he knows I support him in any honest efforts to manage his life responsibly. He is not a personality I would normally choose for a friend, but we can share a hug for being in the same family.
    As others above have stated, there are benefits from being in jail. I kept a belief that perhaps someone would be put in his path who would take an interest in him. He did reading in there and actually wrote a few long letters to relatives who wrote to him. I was shocked! One very favorable thing was revealed by the very first thing he said to me when I saw him after his release. He said "I had a job for the last 3 months everyday!" The job was 4 hours a day in the laundry. ( But that was the first thing he told me ~ it was obviously something he was proud of that meant something to him ~ he had not had a job more than a week during the prior 4 or more years.)

    Hang in here with us, and vent all you like. There is much wisdom, and caring here. It is a safe place. Trust the process.
    Take care. You are going to be alright.
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    Last edited: Oct 24, 2017
  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    mtic, I read each word of you post and I am so sorry for your grief. Even though I have said many times, I just don't care anymore, you know we do or else we would not be posting. I have said that so many times after so much saddness and disapointment. We raised our 35 year old daughter in Church, we tried our best and she is an _ss. If you lived close to me I would make you a nice cup of herbal tea and then go for a nice fall walk and talk about our children and try to laugh. Sending a huge hug your way.
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  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    ((HUGS)) to you!!!!

    I know these feelings all to well. Of course you feel sad and disappointed. This is not what any of us wants for our children. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You did not do this your son did. I used to have those feelings, worrying what other people would think. I came to understand that those who were truly my friends would not pass judgement on me and those who did, well I let them go out of my life. It's times like this when we really learn who is in our corner.

    I'm glad you posted. It's good to post and get your feelings out. You are with a group of people who not only understand but stand with you and support you.

    I hope you are doing something good for yourself.
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  10. mtic

    mtic Member

    Thank you everyone for your very kind words and support. My son's court date is 11/1 so I'll know more then after his roommate calls me back.
  11. mtic

    mtic Member

    Well, surprise, surprise. His case was dismissed. I don't have any details other than that. Hope this was the wakeup call he needed. Haven't had any contact with him, which is probably for the best.
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Let's hope Mtic
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I hope it was the wake up call he needed. With difficult kids, you never know. I know it was hard on Mom!! (((((hugs)))))
  14. mtic

    mtic Member

    So I got some misinformation. Only one of the charges was dismissed. Supposedly he has three other charges pending. Such a roller coaster of emotions with these difficult kids.
  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh Mtic
    Our DCs are like a box of Choclates and then some.

    I am sorry for this news. And the Roller Coaster is grade back up.

    Be good to yourself. Seek out support and do something to fortify your souls.

    Let us know how things turn out.