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Son in jail...again.. new to the board
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 666617" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome Jude. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad you found us as you will find much needed support and wisdom here from parents who have been there.</p><p></p><p>There is a good article at the top of the PE forum on detachment, I suggest you read it and re-read it.</p><p></p><p>Yes, the calls from jail can be quite expensive. I too had to limit calls from my son the multiple times he was in jail. I would suggest you set a limit that you are comfortable with. I limited my sons calls to once every two weeks. I also told him if he called outside of those parameters that I would not accept the call. You have control over this, not your son.</p><p></p><p>Your son is an adult and should not be counting on you to make all his problems go away, of course that won't stop him from trying to guilt you into helping.</p><p>It's very common with DCs that they will blame the parents for all their problems in hopes that we will feel guilty enough to give into their demands. They try to make us question how we parented them, we second guess ourselves. We are all imperfect parents. A "perfect" parent is a mythical creature just like a Unicorn. I am sure just like the rest of us here you did the best you could and that is sufficient. Please don't fall into the guilt trap. As you start to detach do not be surprised at the lengths your son may go to again, try to guilt you into helping/enabling him.</p><p></p><p>My one and only son put me through more chaos, pain and heartache than anyone should have to endure but I am here to tell you that you can get through this. You can go on to live a very happy and productive life. The only way I have been able to do this is to detach from my son. This does not mean that I don't love my son, I love him as much as I ever did. It means that I love him enough to let him go and I love myself enough to take my life back.</p><p>We are powerless when it comes to our adult children and the choices they make. My husband and I tried for years to help our son, we spent tens of thousands of dollars and in the end, he has chosen to live his life his way. I had to finally accept that the life I had hoped for him was never going to happen.</p><p></p><p>It is not an easy journey for any of us here but we don't have to travel it alone.</p><p></p><p>We are here for you Jude.</p><p></p><p>Please keep reading and posting.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/staystrong.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":staystrong:" title="staystrong :staystrong:" data-shortname=":staystrong:" /><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/notalone.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":notalone:" title="notalone :notalone:" data-shortname=":notalone:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 666617, member: 18516"] Welcome Jude. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad you found us as you will find much needed support and wisdom here from parents who have been there. There is a good article at the top of the PE forum on detachment, I suggest you read it and re-read it. Yes, the calls from jail can be quite expensive. I too had to limit calls from my son the multiple times he was in jail. I would suggest you set a limit that you are comfortable with. I limited my sons calls to once every two weeks. I also told him if he called outside of those parameters that I would not accept the call. You have control over this, not your son. Your son is an adult and should not be counting on you to make all his problems go away, of course that won't stop him from trying to guilt you into helping. It's very common with DCs that they will blame the parents for all their problems in hopes that we will feel guilty enough to give into their demands. They try to make us question how we parented them, we second guess ourselves. We are all imperfect parents. A "perfect" parent is a mythical creature just like a Unicorn. I am sure just like the rest of us here you did the best you could and that is sufficient. Please don't fall into the guilt trap. As you start to detach do not be surprised at the lengths your son may go to again, try to guilt you into helping/enabling him. My one and only son put me through more chaos, pain and heartache than anyone should have to endure but I am here to tell you that you can get through this. You can go on to live a very happy and productive life. The only way I have been able to do this is to detach from my son. This does not mean that I don't love my son, I love him as much as I ever did. It means that I love him enough to let him go and I love myself enough to take my life back. We are powerless when it comes to our adult children and the choices they make. My husband and I tried for years to help our son, we spent tens of thousands of dollars and in the end, he has chosen to live his life his way. I had to finally accept that the life I had hoped for him was never going to happen. It is not an easy journey for any of us here but we don't have to travel it alone. We are here for you Jude. Please keep reading and posting. :staystrong::notalone: [/QUOTE]
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