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Son in jail
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 726341" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome Nightflyer, I'm glad you found us here. Within these pages you will find much wisdom from warrior parents who have been traveling this journey for a long time.</p><p></p><p>My son is currently in prison. He is on year year 2 of a 2 year sentence for assault with a deadly weapon (knife). This is not his first time, there have been quite a few. (read my signature)</p><p></p><p>As for your son blaming you for the mess he's made of his life, please don't buy into that. It is probably one of the most common characteristics our difficult adult children share, to blame mom and dad.</p><p>It's easier for them to blame us than to accept responsibility for the poor choices they have made. When they blame us, as parents we hear that and think "what did I do wrong" "how did I cause this". When they blame us they make us question who we are as parents, they make us question our own sanity and this in turn results in us feeling guilty.</p><p>There is no such thing as a perfect parent, we have all made mistakes but that does not equate to our children making poor choices.</p><p>There are too many examples of parents who have more than one child, all raised the same and yet there is that one that goes off the rails while the others grow into responsible adults.</p><p>Please understand, this is nothing you did or didn't do. This is not your fault. Your son has made his own choices that have led him to where he is. </p><p></p><p>There is a term we use here, the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) When we first start on this journey with our difficult adult children it's so easy to lost in the FOG. I know I was for many years. I had fear - my son was homeless, was he safe, was he lying in a ditch dead, was he overdosing on drugs, was he going to break into our house again and ransack it, was he going to steal from us again, etc.......... I had obligation - he's my son, I have to help him, I have to protect him, I have to make this right for him, etc....... I had guilt - this is all my fault, I must not have been a good mother, I must not have loved him enough, I must not have been there for him enough, how could I have let this happen to him, how could I let him be homeless, etc........</p><p>I was finally able to come out of the FOG. I came to understand that my son's poor choices were his and his alone. You see we as parents do not have any control over what our adult children do. In fact when they become young adolescents they start making their own choices, good or bad.</p><p></p><p>I strongly encourage you to work on coming out of the FOG. I repeat, this is not your fault. You did not force your son to do the things he has done that has led him to be in jail. Now is the time for you take your life back. This can sound so strange because for so long we as parents have been sucked into the vortex of chaos that is our difficult adult children's lives. </p><p>Start by doing things that bring you joy. Yes, I said joy. It's okay for you to be happy despite your sons circumstances. Remember, his circumstances are the consequence of his choices. Start doing things for yourself - buy some flowers, go to dinner with friends, go for a walk in the park and take in the beauty of this world, treat yourself to a day at the spa, just do something for yourself. </p><p></p><p>This is not your fault.</p><p>You have nothing to feel guilty about.</p><p>It's okay to live your life and be happy.</p><p>You deserve to be happy.</p><p>You are not alone.</p><p></p><p>I'm so glad you are here with us now. </p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you............................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 726341, member: 18516"] Welcome Nightflyer, I'm glad you found us here. Within these pages you will find much wisdom from warrior parents who have been traveling this journey for a long time. My son is currently in prison. He is on year year 2 of a 2 year sentence for assault with a deadly weapon (knife). This is not his first time, there have been quite a few. (read my signature) As for your son blaming you for the mess he's made of his life, please don't buy into that. It is probably one of the most common characteristics our difficult adult children share, to blame mom and dad. It's easier for them to blame us than to accept responsibility for the poor choices they have made. When they blame us, as parents we hear that and think "what did I do wrong" "how did I cause this". When they blame us they make us question who we are as parents, they make us question our own sanity and this in turn results in us feeling guilty. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, we have all made mistakes but that does not equate to our children making poor choices. There are too many examples of parents who have more than one child, all raised the same and yet there is that one that goes off the rails while the others grow into responsible adults. Please understand, this is nothing you did or didn't do. This is not your fault. Your son has made his own choices that have led him to where he is. There is a term we use here, the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) When we first start on this journey with our difficult adult children it's so easy to lost in the FOG. I know I was for many years. I had fear - my son was homeless, was he safe, was he lying in a ditch dead, was he overdosing on drugs, was he going to break into our house again and ransack it, was he going to steal from us again, etc.......... I had obligation - he's my son, I have to help him, I have to protect him, I have to make this right for him, etc....... I had guilt - this is all my fault, I must not have been a good mother, I must not have loved him enough, I must not have been there for him enough, how could I have let this happen to him, how could I let him be homeless, etc........ I was finally able to come out of the FOG. I came to understand that my son's poor choices were his and his alone. You see we as parents do not have any control over what our adult children do. In fact when they become young adolescents they start making their own choices, good or bad. I strongly encourage you to work on coming out of the FOG. I repeat, this is not your fault. You did not force your son to do the things he has done that has led him to be in jail. Now is the time for you take your life back. This can sound so strange because for so long we as parents have been sucked into the vortex of chaos that is our difficult adult children's lives. Start by doing things that bring you joy. Yes, I said joy. It's okay for you to be happy despite your sons circumstances. Remember, his circumstances are the consequence of his choices. Start doing things for yourself - buy some flowers, go to dinner with friends, go for a walk in the park and take in the beauty of this world, treat yourself to a day at the spa, just do something for yourself. This is not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's okay to live your life and be happy. You deserve to be happy. You are not alone. I'm so glad you are here with us now. ((HUGS)) to you............................ [/QUOTE]
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