Son Indicted

[savior no more]

Today my son was indicted for armed robbery – the charges he has been sitting in jail for since February of this year. I knew it was coming but it still has left me numb, depressed, and hopeless. My go-to emotion when these things happen is wanting to die. Not really suicidal – just not caring to exist. I know this will pass. Nothing in reality has changed from yesterday to today, just the actual process of what he has to face.

One thing he did do differently today was to pray after he called and gave me the news. Not that him praying changes a thing, but beyond a reformation, I can’t see much of a life or future for him. He was in jail for seven months last year for burglary of a habitation - his father’s house – and now this time he was in the car when two other people went into a convenience store and robbed it. He has no boundaries and frankly he and society are safer with him locked up. He will likely be sent to prison for a long time. His psychiatric and neuropsychologist evaluations beginning ten years ago until now say he has limited insight and judgement. I’m just sad.

What I hope to do with this sadness is to not harm myself by overeating, etc and to just allow the emotions to come. Part of my opening up to this group has involved allowing the pain. At times I have wanted to not post but I have decided processing these emotions with you guys, however painful, in the long run is healthier than stuffing them (literally). I think I’ll stay away from the nightly news and the local paper for a few days – these indictments are always reported. I used to watch the news every night when he was on the streets just to hear if someone had been killed. What bothers me the most is that a child I brought into this world could do such a thing. I guess that’s really my ego I’m battling with. Ugh

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm so very sorry SNM, even though you knew it was coming it is a kick in the gut to hear about it. When I've been at my most powerless with my daughter, what helps me is to give her over to my perception of a Higher Power, you have no control over any of this. Repeating the Serenity prayer is helpful too.

When you come around out of this initial shock, my suggestion would be to amp up support of YOU. If you aren't in a support system, perhaps get in one now. I always found CoDa 12 step groups helpful, but therapy, parent support groups.... there are probably groups for parents who have kids who are incarcerated. Another avenue of support you might explore is NAMI, which has chapters in most states and they offer very good support for parents of kids with mental health issues.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, I have my own experiences facing the dreadful consequences our kids can bring to our door. While he is serving his time, do your best to take care of you, you deserve to find some joy and peace, you've had a rough go of it with your ex and now your son. It takes a lot out of us to deal with long term stress caused by those we love.

It's late and there are likely few members posting now, but they'll be back tomorrow. Hang in there. Cry. Pray. Meditate. Take a bath. Do what soothes you. I'm sending a big, warm cyber hug to you........this too shall pass......

 

[New Leaf]

Savior, I am so sorry. Words just can't express. My heart goes out to you. Sending gentle hugs and hopes that you are able to process these feelings, let them run their course, take deep breaths and find time for you. I have given my two over, as Recovering mentioned and find it helpful to sit with the feelings and write it out as needed. Such a fine group of caring people are here, who understand. Please take time for you, and do what you need to let it out. We will be here for you, dear.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Kalahou]

savior no more,
You are not alone here. We understand your hurting heart, the sadness, the loss. My son also has been in jail some months now awaiting a trial or other disposition of his case. I don’t know what will happen. I still care about him very much. As you said, you know this will pass. I can see how strong you are, realizing and understanding your need to detach from obsessing about his situation and your desire to focus on making YOUR life more positive.. Your son’s being in jail has nothing to do with you or with anything you did.

Many others here also have had and now have difficult children in prison. I choose to think that there is benefit and profit in all situations. Perhaps he is in a place now that has a variety of potentially life changing opportunities for him. Maybe this is the "rock bottom" that he needs to hit in order to make changes..

It is extremely sad and breaks our hearts. But we can’t allow our difficult children’s behaviors and situation to keep our lives depressed. Even with limited insight and judgement, your son (as did my own) made his own bad decisions, and was involved in some way with a crime. It's unfortunate ... but there is nothing anyone else can make him do or fix it for him … It is repeated over and over on this forum… “He is the only one who can change him”. I hold a hope that maybe some one in the jail will have a positive affect and assist him in that direction.

One time a friend shared to me that if the “higher powers that be” had providentially through circumstances put someone in a place to help them, perhaps meant for the best, who were we (and why would we) to try to remove him from that place, or feel sad he was there? It gives me some food for thought, when I remember my son in jail.

SNM, hang in there. We will stick together through these trials and come through the fire, stronger and purified. Stay with us here. Know you are going to be alright. ~ Kalahou

 

[so ready to live]

SNM-I'm so sorry you have to trod through this mess. Your avoidance of the news seems like a good idea, we all know it's not like you are not thinking about it anyway, right? But, take it in your time, better not to have it "put in your face".

One time a friend shared to me that if the “higher powers that be” had providentially through circumstances put someone in a place to help them, perhaps meant for the best, who were we (and why would we) to try to remove him from that place, or feel sad he was there?

I had heard this before-great message to remind us we are not in control, nor do we want to be with our lack of knowledge.

Not that him praying changes a thing, but beyond a reformation, I can’t see much of a life or future for him.

Reformation can happen and I believe prayer does change people and situations. Change the indictment-no-but it's him that matters most to your mother's heart. Consequences teach us all, limited insight or not. I always hope that I will SEE the change, but if it happens after I'm gone, it still happens. Be kind to yourself today, many of us are "in this", if you keep running the race, I can too. Hold my hand. Prayers.

 

[Albatross]

I am sorry, SNM. As you say, you knew this day was coming, but having it brought home is something else altogether.

I too think it is best to avoid the news and so forth for a bit. As parents it is very very hard not to "stuff it down" in one way or another, even though we know in our heads we hold no blame for their bad choices.

In whatever way you can, find ways to get some distance.

I too have faith that our difficult children will "get it" one day, through the lessons life itself teaches. May this in some way be a turning point.

 

[Lil]

SNM, I don't think there's any way to adequately prepare yourself for the reality of something this big. Be kind to yourself. We are here for you whenever you need a shoulder.

 

[pasajes4]

They are still our children no matter what turns their lives take. It is difficult to wrap our minds around the choices that they make. Feel your feelings and grieve. It is important to go through the process of grieving.

 

[RN0441]

SNM so sorry to hear about your pain. It does help to post and chronicle our feelings as others have mentioned on this forum. Just writing it all down and rereading posts -- mine and others -- is therapeutic for me.

You are not alone and we are suffering right along with you in one way or another. And we don't have an ending to our stories.

 

[Carri]

I heard this somewhere and use it all the time...

Breathe...
Close your eyes.
Breathe in, breath out.
As you breathe in, let it be.
As you breath out, let it go.

While he is serving his time, do your best to take care of you, you deserve to find some joy and peace, you've had a rough go of it with your ex and now your son. It takes a lot out of us to deal with long term stress caused by those we love.

You will get through this, we always do. Never ever thinking things would turn out this way. When my son has been locked up, I find great relief in knowing he's safe from himself.

Hugs,
Carri

 

[Tanya M]

Hi SNM,
Oh I know that pain you are feeling. My son has been in and out of jail / prison and it's just so hard on us parents.
I too felt that society was much safer with my son locked up.

I am so glad you are here with us and that you are sharing.

Part of my opening up to this group has involved allowing the pain. At times I have wanted to not post but I have decided processing these emotions with you guys, however painful, in the long run is healthier than stuffing them (literally).

It is good that you are recognizing how important it is to "feel" all the emotions. To work through them and not be consumed by them. This site is truly a life line!!

What bothers me the most is that a child I brought into this world could do such a thing. I guess that’s really my ego I’m battling with.

I used to joke that aliens took my good son and left me with this out of control being. It is hard to see the sweet child we brought into this world doing such ugly things. We are stronger for truly seeing it for what it is. Too many parents have blinders on and truly believe "my little Johnny or Susie" would never do such a thing.
When my son was in middle school he set fire to field behind the school. There was that part of me that did not want to believe that he could do such a thing but there was no denying it, I knew very well that yes, my son did this awful thing.

You will get through this. There are better days ahead. I and many others here are living proof of that.

Be very good to yourself SNM. Take time for you, go for a nice long walk or drive, get out in nature. Buy yourself some flowers, take a bubble bath.


You deserve some goodness and happiness.

Let us know how you are doing.

((HUGS))................

 

[Tiredof33]

I feel your pain. I allowed my emotions to take over and my health was declining. Try to stay focused on taking care of you, very easy to say and hard to do.

I can honestly say, there have been many nights for me, I wished I had not had this child of mine. Selfish, but the pain is sometimes overwhelming.

My difficult child is 37, almost 38, still immature, still does not think of the consequences. Blessings, only a parent with a difficult child can understand the pain.

 

[TheWalrus]

I was where you are when my daughter had her accident and almost died. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function. The shock and the pain were overwhelming, and I was drowning in the emotion. I immediately got a prescription to help with the anxiety, which I have never had before. It helped tremendously.

Gradually, once the wound wasn't so raw, I was able to look ahead and that helped me a lot. To count my blessings, to see the positives in such a negative situation, and to remind myself DAILY that I would not feel this way forever, this was not the rest of my life, and that in 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years, I would not be struggling with what I was struggling with at that moment. I might be struggling with something else, but that reminder to myself every day that this moment was not frozen in time helped me a lot.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, be careful not to let this impact your self-care and health. It is tempting to just give in to those negative emotions and let them take over, but don't. This is a valley, albeit a deep one. You have many peaks left and gorgeous views in the future.

 

[savior no more]

Thank you for the honesty. I have felt that too many times.

 

[savior no more]

Thank you all for the thoughts and replies. The pain of what son is facing in jail is much less than the pain of seeing him running the streets and getting beaten up on a consistent basis in the months before he was back in jail. A part of me wishes I could just take care of myself, yet I find myself at the most grueling part of my Masters program and clinical hours. In a way it's a good diversion as I have to meet deadlines and don't have time to obsess about him.

On a happy note, I work at the same place my daughter does and often times I will take over the people she cares for. They are always so complimentary of her skills and caring - certainly something to focus on and be happy about. I'm learning my perspective and viewpoint is within my control. Part of how I dealt with anything was try to immediately flip to gratitude before I felt the feelings. With this group, I am at liberty to show my true feelings. Through the years I have learned to not share the "real truth" about my son - even in Al Anon - because most people either are too stunned to help or nervously try to fix or blame me or him. With ya'll there is a deep knowing that only parents with children like ours can understand. Thanks .

 

[Childofmine]

SNM, you sound like such a resourceful person who is doing the very best she can. I am glad you have a diversion right now, as hard as it can be to focus when our DCs continue to do what they do.

I also am glad that you know about gratitude, and about how focusing on gratitude can help shape our attitudes.

And you are so right about feelings. If we stuff down or deny or delay our feelings, we stay stuck. Feeling our feelings, sitting still and letting them wash over us and through us, making time for the fatigue and paralysis that comes with these types of deep feelings, all of that can help us move through our grief and pain and fear.

Once I started allowing myself to do these things on a daily basis, I started to move forward.

Another helpful tool can be to write it all down. Twice during the very worst times with Difficult Child I sat down and poured my racing thoughts into my computer, typing as fast as I could type, not editing and not hesitating, until I was spent. Crying the whole time.

It was truly a turning point for me, both times. Later, I read the document out loud to my Al-Anon sponsor, and I cried again the whole time.

Later, a few days, a couple of weeks later, I could see my own progress. I credit that exercise for helping me move forward on my own journey to stopping enabling, detachment with love and acceptance.

Having practical tools and practices that we can decide to use on a daily basis is so helpful on this journey. Otherwise, our racing minds and terrified hearts paralyze us. Living in constant fear takes a huge toll.
We are isolated, and we can't imagine that other people feel the same way we do or have the same thoughts we do.

We know here on this forum that there are so many that understand very well. That is a comfort.

We're here for you, regardless.

 

[blackgnat]

I will join our other warrior parents in my sadness that this is happening to you. Our DCs will never know the pain they've put us through and continue to put us through. With mine, I'm not sure he even cares. Just continuous bad choices...

So now your son is facing the consequences-at least you will know where he is and hopefully, there'll be some attempts at rehabilitating him while he's in prison.

Be good to yourself and take care of your physical and emotional health. Hugs...

 

[PonyGirl65]

Echoes of what all us other warrior parents have said here. Hugs & Good thoughts to you

 

[Roxona]

I echo what the others have already said. I'm truly sorry for you pain. Staying busy is good, but remember to take some time for the things that make you smile.

 

[pigless in VA]

Be gentle with yourself. Sending you some warm hugs for your pain.