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Substance Abuse
Son is back. Now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 653897" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Rina, I've been there. I adopted a six year old from another country. He used to, on and off, try to express that while he feels close to his school peers and friends, he does not feel like we are his parents. He is a brilliant man and was a brilliant kid and pondered these things and they bothered him and I believe he tried, especially in his 20's, to bond with us. Then he met his wife and from our point of view, which is the only one we have, he changed as soon as he met her. She would fall all over him, keep him from us, was jealous of his sister (to her they were not related and he was very close to her) and little spats that had never happened started happening. He joined a very, very, very strict church that doesn't believe any church but his type of church is a Christian church. This eliminates Lutherans, Catholics or any church with a denomination. He joined the...was it called Brotherhood for men? Things are blurry at the time, but he turned on his sister, Princess, and that was a mess and it ended up that he walked off. He has spoken to nobody for eight years, except my ex husband who goes to a non-denominational church and he didn't speak to him for three years either. The gist of it is attachment. We love them as if we've given birth to them, but they have not known us for 3-4-6-10 years of life and they are developing children. I was convinced by enough very on-top-of-attachment psychiatrists to not take it personally at all and I decided to let him go after one last unsatisfactory meeting. He is fortunately not into drugs and is doing very well. I don't worry about him, but I don't see him either. I would never adopt an older child again. Well, I'm too old now, but I advise younger would-be adoptees to get infants and not infants that were in orphanges and probably never knew what it felt like to be fed in somebody's arms. It caues changes in the brain when a child is not loved by one special caregiver in the early years. I am not quite sure why son still talks to ex, but I do know it is rare and that it is under very strict circumstances. They belong to the same church so maybe he feels he has to make it look good, but they don't see each other every week at church so...</p><p></p><p>You did the best you could. If this were my child, and I had the knowledge about attachment that I now have, I would search for a psychologist (not just a therapist) who has a special interest and knowledge of attchment in adopted children. Regular therapists mostly do not even know about it. Obviously this boy, your son of your heart, has not attached to you, but there are certain therapies that can heal unattached kids and he is still under eighteen. Beeware of any loony schemes such as "rebirth." But do seek out help for him. At the same time, know that you were not in his life for his first seven years. How could this be your fault?</p><p></p><p>We take these children into our homes and hearts because we love children, feel we are good parents, and just know that loving them will heal their pain. It doesn't. Many are more afraid of love than craving it or they just don't know how to accept love and push you away the more you love them. Some act out more the more you try to love them. Many do use drugs, get into criminal trouble and seem to have no conscience because they have learned, in infancy and beyond, that nobody is going to take care of them except them and they are 100% me-centric. It helped them cope. It becomes hardwired. You still have two years.</p><p></p><p>Just please don't blame yourself. I went for therapy not just because I necessarily blamed myself, although part of me did, but because I was grieving the loss. Therapy for us is a good thing. It helps us cope. It helps us grieve. My son was far to old to help by then. I had believed that because he did not misbehave he could not have attachment disorder. It was untrue. He still has disordered attachment, if the stories my ex tells me are true (I kind of have to take them with a grain of salt, and since it is a hurtful topic I don't talk to him about it very often).</p><p></p><p>At any rate, we meant to do good. We did do good. WE had good hearts and we gave them a chance to do well in life. The rest of it is really up to them.</p><p></p><p>My young adoptees never had any problems attaching.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for the heart of yours that I know is hurting. And, Rina, I feel I never knew my boy either. I felt like that even when he was little. I felt I did not know who he was and he did not share much. My ex also does not know how to show love or emotion. He feels it, but he can't show it so there are no demands for affection placed on anyone in his orbit. May be why maybe son feels safer with him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 653897, member: 1550"] Rina, I've been there. I adopted a six year old from another country. He used to, on and off, try to express that while he feels close to his school peers and friends, he does not feel like we are his parents. He is a brilliant man and was a brilliant kid and pondered these things and they bothered him and I believe he tried, especially in his 20's, to bond with us. Then he met his wife and from our point of view, which is the only one we have, he changed as soon as he met her. She would fall all over him, keep him from us, was jealous of his sister (to her they were not related and he was very close to her) and little spats that had never happened started happening. He joined a very, very, very strict church that doesn't believe any church but his type of church is a Christian church. This eliminates Lutherans, Catholics or any church with a denomination. He joined the...was it called Brotherhood for men? Things are blurry at the time, but he turned on his sister, Princess, and that was a mess and it ended up that he walked off. He has spoken to nobody for eight years, except my ex husband who goes to a non-denominational church and he didn't speak to him for three years either. The gist of it is attachment. We love them as if we've given birth to them, but they have not known us for 3-4-6-10 years of life and they are developing children. I was convinced by enough very on-top-of-attachment psychiatrists to not take it personally at all and I decided to let him go after one last unsatisfactory meeting. He is fortunately not into drugs and is doing very well. I don't worry about him, but I don't see him either. I would never adopt an older child again. Well, I'm too old now, but I advise younger would-be adoptees to get infants and not infants that were in orphanges and probably never knew what it felt like to be fed in somebody's arms. It caues changes in the brain when a child is not loved by one special caregiver in the early years. I am not quite sure why son still talks to ex, but I do know it is rare and that it is under very strict circumstances. They belong to the same church so maybe he feels he has to make it look good, but they don't see each other every week at church so... You did the best you could. If this were my child, and I had the knowledge about attachment that I now have, I would search for a psychologist (not just a therapist) who has a special interest and knowledge of attchment in adopted children. Regular therapists mostly do not even know about it. Obviously this boy, your son of your heart, has not attached to you, but there are certain therapies that can heal unattached kids and he is still under eighteen. Beeware of any loony schemes such as "rebirth." But do seek out help for him. At the same time, know that you were not in his life for his first seven years. How could this be your fault? We take these children into our homes and hearts because we love children, feel we are good parents, and just know that loving them will heal their pain. It doesn't. Many are more afraid of love than craving it or they just don't know how to accept love and push you away the more you love them. Some act out more the more you try to love them. Many do use drugs, get into criminal trouble and seem to have no conscience because they have learned, in infancy and beyond, that nobody is going to take care of them except them and they are 100% me-centric. It helped them cope. It becomes hardwired. You still have two years. Just please don't blame yourself. I went for therapy not just because I necessarily blamed myself, although part of me did, but because I was grieving the loss. Therapy for us is a good thing. It helps us cope. It helps us grieve. My son was far to old to help by then. I had believed that because he did not misbehave he could not have attachment disorder. It was untrue. He still has disordered attachment, if the stories my ex tells me are true (I kind of have to take them with a grain of salt, and since it is a hurtful topic I don't talk to him about it very often). At any rate, we meant to do good. We did do good. WE had good hearts and we gave them a chance to do well in life. The rest of it is really up to them. My young adoptees never had any problems attaching. Hugs for the heart of yours that I know is hurting. And, Rina, I feel I never knew my boy either. I felt like that even when he was little. I felt I did not know who he was and he did not share much. My ex also does not know how to show love or emotion. He feels it, but he can't show it so there are no demands for affection placed on anyone in his orbit. May be why maybe son feels safer with him. [/QUOTE]
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