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Substance Abuse
Son is back. Now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 653986" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>And it's more the rule than the exception when you adopt a child who spent most of his formative years not even knowing us. I have been in touch with a large adoptive parent group for twenty years. I am still in touch with a few parents from Illinoiw, where we used to live, and in Wisconsin w here we live now. It is VERY unusual for an older child (and older can mean one and two so you are lucky and I am too because I adopted a two year old). Babies need to be loved and nurtured from birth or they learn to only depend on themselves and their developing brains hardwire them against caring or empathy to varying degrees. My son learned to bond only with his peers as they lived together and took care of one another...kind of sad that no one special adult ever did. Your son may not have even had caring peers. My son decided to show the world he was NOT just a stupid orphan (his words) by overachieving. He has. He had the smarts to do it. Yours decided not to follow the rules of society and to give the so called finger to his situation. But my son has lots of anger in him too. Lots. He just does not show it. And we, like you, thought about the children who cried for parents and I think they do. It's just that once they get them, they find they don't really connect with them or like them or want to be hugged or fussed over and that they don't trust them. I can't tell you how many stories are like ours. Many were also sexually abused, although some of the kdis don't even remember that happening until their 40's or later. </p><p></p><p>I don't see how you were responsible for the first seven years of your son's life. What could you have done? You didn't know him. When he cried in his crib and was ignored, were you there to pick him up and wipe his tears? Could you feed him when he was hungry? Could you give him special attention and hug him? He was seven years old before he ever heard of you and maybe he never saw anyone who looked like you before. What if you, as a child, lived in a big place with a lot of kids and rules and nobody ever held you or fussed over you and one day you were sent to live with strangers who spoke another language in Sweden? Do you think you would fall in love with them or be puzzled, confused, and maybe even feel like the orphanage had rejected you after your parents have rejected you? As you grew up, even if you were treated nicely from then on, would you nhot look in the mirror and wonder who you looked like? My close friend was adopted and this was a huge issue with her until she found her birth family (and it has been no picnic...it was a mixed bag...and she did not reject her adoptive parents...but it did get overwhelming). She is at peace now, and had to learn that she has her own identity and that it is not connected to any one family or person. She was the one who told me about adopted children before I adopted them, but she did not know about older adoptees as she'd been an adopted baby. It is different. If the child comes to you as a baby, you can do all the caring things for them that an infant needs in order to develop normally. </p><p></p><p>Now...what could you have done to make your son better, since you were strangers until he was seven years old? What could I have done better because I'd like to know myself, even if it hurts? I gave him everything the other kids had and tried hard to hug him and do the mommy things we all do for our kids, but he did not want me to. He stiffened if anyone tried to hug him. He turned his cheek for kisses.</p><p></p><p>What could you and I have done????</p><p></p><p>Hugs from me with special understanding.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 653986, member: 1550"] And it's more the rule than the exception when you adopt a child who spent most of his formative years not even knowing us. I have been in touch with a large adoptive parent group for twenty years. I am still in touch with a few parents from Illinoiw, where we used to live, and in Wisconsin w here we live now. It is VERY unusual for an older child (and older can mean one and two so you are lucky and I am too because I adopted a two year old). Babies need to be loved and nurtured from birth or they learn to only depend on themselves and their developing brains hardwire them against caring or empathy to varying degrees. My son learned to bond only with his peers as they lived together and took care of one another...kind of sad that no one special adult ever did. Your son may not have even had caring peers. My son decided to show the world he was NOT just a stupid orphan (his words) by overachieving. He has. He had the smarts to do it. Yours decided not to follow the rules of society and to give the so called finger to his situation. But my son has lots of anger in him too. Lots. He just does not show it. And we, like you, thought about the children who cried for parents and I think they do. It's just that once they get them, they find they don't really connect with them or like them or want to be hugged or fussed over and that they don't trust them. I can't tell you how many stories are like ours. Many were also sexually abused, although some of the kdis don't even remember that happening until their 40's or later. I don't see how you were responsible for the first seven years of your son's life. What could you have done? You didn't know him. When he cried in his crib and was ignored, were you there to pick him up and wipe his tears? Could you feed him when he was hungry? Could you give him special attention and hug him? He was seven years old before he ever heard of you and maybe he never saw anyone who looked like you before. What if you, as a child, lived in a big place with a lot of kids and rules and nobody ever held you or fussed over you and one day you were sent to live with strangers who spoke another language in Sweden? Do you think you would fall in love with them or be puzzled, confused, and maybe even feel like the orphanage had rejected you after your parents have rejected you? As you grew up, even if you were treated nicely from then on, would you nhot look in the mirror and wonder who you looked like? My close friend was adopted and this was a huge issue with her until she found her birth family (and it has been no picnic...it was a mixed bag...and she did not reject her adoptive parents...but it did get overwhelming). She is at peace now, and had to learn that she has her own identity and that it is not connected to any one family or person. She was the one who told me about adopted children before I adopted them, but she did not know about older adoptees as she'd been an adopted baby. It is different. If the child comes to you as a baby, you can do all the caring things for them that an infant needs in order to develop normally. Now...what could you have done to make your son better, since you were strangers until he was seven years old? What could I have done better because I'd like to know myself, even if it hurts? I gave him everything the other kids had and tried hard to hug him and do the mommy things we all do for our kids, but he did not want me to. He stiffened if anyone tried to hug him. He turned his cheek for kisses. What could you and I have done???? Hugs from me with special understanding. [/QUOTE]
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Son is back. Now what?
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